Addicted to Him

by Lauren Dodd

  Even though my date with Seth is hours away, I decide to go ahead and jump in the shower.

  I pour some passion fruit body wash into a loofah and soap myself up. I close my eyes and lean back into the water and think about how close Seth was to me last night. I wanted him to kiss me so bad but I know he won’t until I tell him I want him to. I can almost feel his breath against my neck again. His eyes ask me a question and I nod. His lips come down on mine, hard. We explore each other’s mouths with our tongues for several minutes but then I want more. I pull his T-shirt over his head and run my tongue down his smooth chest. He asks me if I want him and I nod, knowing I’ve never wanted anything more. He drops his pants, his hardness revealing how much he wants me, too.

  In one swift move, he reaches under the dress I’m wearing and slides my panties off me. I gasp, breathless with the anticipation of him being inside me. His strong arms lift me up effortlessly. I clasp my legs around his waist and nearly scream with pleasure as he slides himself inside me.

  He pounds into me, forcing himself deeper and deeper. He yanks back the top of my dress and closes his mouth around my rock hard nipple. I yell out, knowing I can’t hold back much longer. I squeeze myself around his hardness wanting to give myself over to the sweet release but not wanting it to end.

  “Are you ready?” he asks, gripping my ass. I nod and feel myself start to convulse with pleasure as he throws his head back and moans. My orgasm seems to last forever and when I finally open my eyes I realize that I’m all alone in the shower, Seth nowhere to be found, with my finger still lodged inside myself, trying to catch my breath.

  I finish rinsing off then get out and dry myself with one of the fluffy towels that Lisa has hung up for me. I’m still trying to process what just happened in the shower. It’s not like I’m a virgin to masturbating, but it has probably been at least two years since I’ve done it. I just haven’t felt aroused. If I even had one lustful thought, I convinced myself that something was wrong with me and that I should be ashamed of myself.

  I know now that I haven’t done anything wrong to instigate the things that happened to me. I was the victim, even if I’m the only person on the planet that would probably believe that. Even though I know the stuff I just fantasized about would never come true in real life, I guess I at least owe it to Seth for bringing me back from the dead.

  ****

  Seth picks me up in a black pickup truck instead of his Mustang. I could care less if he showed up in a rickshaw, but I immediately panic because I realize that the twins aren’t with him. I know that Seth would never cross the line with me, but after the shower episode, I’m not quite sure I can trust myself anymore.

  I slide hesitantly into the truck and buckle myself in. Seth jumps in, looking excited, and takes off down the road.

  “I’ve been waiting all day for this,” he says, turning out of Dad’s subdivision.

  “I bet. It must be hard being cooped up in that building all day.”

  “I meant to be with you,” he says, glancing over at me.

  “Oh.” He doesn’t seem to be put off by my lack of reciprocation. I can’t help it. I can’t just sit here and confess that I’ve been thinking about him all day long. I can’t give him that much power.

  “That movie that you wanted to see is playing at The Drive so I thought we could go.”

  I’m touched that he remembers a movie I mentioned just in passing. I nod, smiling at him and relax back into my seat. I try not to glance over and watch his strong arms as he steers the truck but I fail. I can’t remember ever being this attracted to anyone in my entire life. I wish I was the steering wheel so that it was me his hands were sliding over.

  “You okay?” he asks, busting me staring.

  “Yeah, sorry.” I look out my passenger window to avoid embarrassing myself any further.

  After fifteen minutes of driving, I realize that we aren’t headed to the theatre by the mall. We keep driving in a more remote area that I’m not familiar with until we come to the entrance of a drive-in theatre. I didn’t even realize that these things still existed.

  Seth pays for both of our admissions then drives his truck through the gate and onto the lot where other drivers are parked and waiting for the movie to start. He continues down the last row and pulls into the last spot that seems a little more secluded than the others. I start to panic when I realize he just did it so that his large truck wouldn’t obscure anyone else’s view. Instead of backing into the spot like everyone else, he pulls in which confuses me until he gets out and starts arranging stuff in the bed of the truck.

  I get out of the truck and make my way back to the lowered tailgate. Seth is arranging several blankets and pillows in the back of the truck to make it comfortable. He even has a cooler filled with soda and two giant paper bags that I can tell by the smell and the grease stains on them are full of buttery popcorn. Normally I would think that it was the sweetest gesture imaginable but tonight I’m petrified to sit so close to him without anyone else around. I squeeze my eyes shut tight and hope that someone parks right next to us so that I’ll be forced to behave myself.

  “Come on up,” he gestures, holding his hand out to pull me up. I think about it for a second then realize how unladylike I would look trying to climb up here with a dress on and I reach for his hand. The minute our hands touch I could swear that fireworks go off in the sky. He pulls me up then reaches around and embraces the small of my back to steady me. Once he’s satisfied that I’m okay he lets go. I hate how much I want to pull his hands back to me.

  “This is really cool,” I tell him, watching him pull the tailgate up. He adjusts the speaker next to the side of the truck so that we can hear the movie then settles himself beside me. I’ve scooted myself all the way against the side of the truck as far away from him as I can. I purposefully set the cooler and bags of popcorn in between us, although, I don’t think a brick wall built through the middle of this truck would be enough to keep me from wanting his hands all over me. He leans back against the pillows and starts chomping popcorn like he doesn’t have a care in the world. I wonder if maybe the mystery is gone for him because he sure doesn’t seem like he is having trouble keeping his hands to himself.

  “I’m really sorry about Ava last night.”

  “I get it. She thinks I’m a threat to her. She’s such a smart little girl, wise beyond her years,” I say.

  “She’s grown up a lot in the last few months. She might still carry a doll around, but she understands way too much about what’s going on. I hate that I can’t shield them from it,” he says, looking sad.

  I get it. I feel the same way when I know that Wade has started to unravel things that he shouldn’t know anything about at his age. I try the best I can to protect him, but Chastity seems to think that the sooner he grows up, the better. She tired with the Santa Claus routine when he was four, citing that she was fed up with Santa always getting the credit. It broke my heart that he couldn’t have that magic in his life for a little bit longer. I guess I should be thankful that she ever did it for him at all because she never did for me. Dad never knew that I always knew he was lying about Santa leaving all the gifts at his house because Chastity had told me it was just him buying them. I always wondered why she never wanted me to believe in magic but then I realized it was because she didn’t want me to know that there was something better out there for me than being with her. I keep all of this to myself because I’m sure the last thing Seth wants after working in his family’s business all day is for some girl to dump her tragic shit all over him.

  “You okay?” he asks, noticing my silence. I nod quickly and thankfully the previews start playing distracting us.

  I try and pay attention to the plot but Seth’s tan arms and cologne make it so difficult. All I can think about is reaching for him and telling him that I’m ready for him to put his hands on me. But he looks completely into the movie, chowing down on popcorn without a care in the world, as I’m practically going nuts
imagining his hands all over my body.

  I will myself to focus on the movie and dig my hands into my popcorn bag hoping that maybe stuffing my face with salty, buttery popcorn will help. After a few minutes it almost works, I’m sort of caught up on the movie plot. I wipe my buttery hands on my bare legs and reach for my soda. I feel Seth watching me and I turn to see him looking at my body with the same intensity that I’ve been feeling about him all night.

  I watch him run his eyes slowly up and down my body. I can almost feel how much he wants to touch me and I hate myself but I can’t stop myself from responding by pushing my chest out and spreading my legs further apart. Seth’s tongue darts out of his mouth to lick the butter and salt around his mouth and I swear I can almost feel his tongue plunge inside me. My nipples harden and I feel a slickness between my legs.

  When he meets my eyes I recognize the same fire that I’ve been feeling since the moment I saw him at the library that first day. I’ve never wanted anything as bad as I want Seth to touch me right now. I want to give him everything, which petrifies me. Whatever is between us feels dangerous and I have a feeling that if I give myself over to it, I might never find my way back to myself. I realize how crazy these thoughts are because even if we had a full blown relationship for the next two months, I’m still leaving in August. But part of me knows how hard it is already going to be to leave and wonders if I could actually say good-bye to Seth if I let things go too far.

  “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, but I’ve never wanted anyone this bad,” he whispers, watching my mouth.

  Oh, God. I can’t believe he just put words to what I’ve been thinking. But even if I don’t freak out once I let him touch me, surely a guy like Seth is experienced and who knows if I’m even going to know how to please him. I wrestle with so many different emotions that I know I must look completely bewildered.

  I know that all I need to do is give him the go ahead and his lips and body will be against mine in a heartbeat. I ache to feel his hands on me and his lips on mine. A summer fling will be good for me, I remind myself. I deserve this, I tell myself, inching closer to Seth.

  I run my eyes down his neck and imagine licking it. He watches me patiently, just waiting for the words. I lick my lips, so close to saying them. He doesn’t move toward me but watches me, urging me on with his eyes.

  I’m almost there when Chastity’s screechy voice pops into my head reminding me that someone like Seth would never want someone like me. He only wants me because I seem like a challenge. Once he gets what he wants, I’ll never hear from him again. I want to believe the look in his eyes, promising that he would never hurt me, but I know that even if he didn’t mean to, he would. I jump up in the truck, slide my flip-flops on, and am shimmying the tailgate before Seth even moves.

  “I have to go to the bathroom,” I say, bolting toward a concession area that we drove by when we first got here. I don’t look back, afraid that Seth is following me. I weave through the aisles of cars filled with people enjoying themselves, lost in the movie or the embrace of their date. None of them freaking out like I am. I wish I could just be one of those simple people who can live in the moment and accept it for what it’s worth but my head always gets in the way. I’m always living months and years ahead, worrying about what’s going to happen and missing my opportunity to be happy right now.

  “Hey, beautiful,” a guy at the concession stand slurs as I pass by. I ignore him and continue on to the ladies room. I sit inside a stall for several minutes trying to calm myself down. I’ll just ask Seth to take me home and explain to him that it just isn’t going to work out.

  If only I could convince myself that is what I really want but it isn’t. I’d spend every single hour of every single day with Seth, and that’s what really scares me. He makes me want a better life. A life without Chastity holding my head down all the time. A life with people who actually want me to be happy and succeed.

  But I could never just abandon Wade. I wouldn’t be any better than Seth’s dad if I just disappeared forever one day. And if anyone knows that long-distance relationships don’t work, it’s me. As much as I love my dad, we still have a hard time communicating with each other because of the time we’ve been away from each other.

  I rinse my face with cold water and head back out to the truck to ask Seth to take me home. I pull open the door to the bathroom and the drunk guy is propped against the wall.

  “There you are,” he says, making me realize he’s been waiting for me all this time. My stomach flips and I feel sick. I glance around the deserted hallway but no one else is there.

  “Excuse me, my boyfriend is waiting for me,” I say, trying to move around him. He reaches out for me and I start backing away. I end up backing myself into the dead end wall at the end of the hallway as his hands reach out to touch me.

  “I saw the way you looked at me. Don’t act like you don’t want it,” he slurs, stumbling toward me.

  “You’re mistaken,” I squeak out. I want to scream, hoping that someone from the concession area will hear me, but my voice is locked out of fear. Phil’s face flashes in front of me and I feel helpless, just like I did all those times he put his hands on me. “Please stay away from me,” I try to scream but it comes out like a whisper.

  I squeeze my eyes shut tight, his hands almost on me now when I hear the most sickening crunch. My eyes flutter open to see the guy writhing around holding his nose with blood pouring into his hands. Seth stands in front of me, glaring down at him with a murderous look in his eyes. He starts kicking him in the ribs over and over until the guy is begging for him to stop.

  I reach out and touch Seth’s arm bringing him back from whatever dark place he’s retreated to. He scoops me up in his arms and I bury my face into his chest the entire way back to the truck. He doesn’t bother with anything in the back of the truck but speeds out of the drive-in and onto the highway.

  I want to reach out and touch him but he still seems very angry so I just let him drive. I can tell that he isn’t taking me home as we keep getting farther and farther away from the city.

  A few minutes later, we are meandering down a dusty gravel road. Seth slows near a section of large trees and pulls into a barely worn lane that I never would have known was here. My heartbeat picks up exponentially when I realize that we are in the middle of nowhere together.

  “Follow me,” he says, jumping out of the truck.

  The truck sinks down as Seth hops into the bed. He knocks on the back window to get my attention. I slink out of the passenger side and walk back to the bed of the truck where the blankets and cushions still are from the movie.

  He holds his hand out to help me up. He effortlessly pulls me into the bed of the truck then eases me down into the softness of the blankets. I expect him to climb on top of me and start ravaging me but instead he lies next to me and strokes my hair. I gaze up at the millions of stars twinkling down on us and listen to the cricket orchestra all around us. The tall oaks completely surround us, making it feel like we are completely deserted. The only two people left in the world.

  “Why didn’t you scream for help?” he asks, propping himself up on his elbow and staring down at me. I start to squirm knowing that I won’t be able to stop myself from giving him everything if he even so much as touches me.

  “I’m shy.”

  “Bullshit. It’s more than that. You could have kicked that guy in the balls and gotten away from him but you were cowering in the corner and couldn’t get a word out. Somebody has done something to you.”

  I have to stop myself from gasping out loud in surprise. I barely know this guy yet he seems to know my darkest secret. I thought being with him for the summer would be a nice distraction to make myself feel normal again, but now I realize how dangerous he really is. Being with him could bring my carefully constructed world crashing down around me.

  “I want you to take me home,” I demand, getting up.

  “No, you don’t. You just don’t want
to tell me the truth. You don’t trust me,” he says, his blazing green eyes taking on a sad quality.

  His comment flusters me, making me want to kiss him instead of fleeing home like I wanted to just a second ago. “I do trust you.” At first I think I’m lying, but then I realize that I’ve allowed myself to be driven out into the middle of nowhere with Seth and I’m not even nervous. I actually want him to touch me.

  “Do you know how much I want you?” he asks, his eyes on mine.

  I steel myself to say what I want to say, knowing that I’ve never taken control of a situation like this before. But if I’m going to do this, I have to do it on my terms. “If you want me then you just have to be willing to accept what I’m willing to give,” I say, easing myself back down.

  He just looks at me for what seems like forever. I’m sure that any second he will jump out of the bed of the truck and dump me off at home. You would think that a girl willing to give it up without forcing him to hear about her problems would be any guy’s dream but Seth seems to want more. He licks his lips and moves closer to me.

  “I want this,” he says, reaching under my dress and rubbing his hand over my panties. I gasp and arch my back, knowing that his fingers are mere millimeters from entering me and the thought almost makes me come. “But I also want this,” he pulls his hand from under my dress and places it over my heart.

  “I want you to trust me enough to tell me what’s going on with you because if you can’t do that then there is no point in us going any further.”

  I can’t even think I want his hands back on me so bad. Nothing else matters. Besides, he doesn’t know anyone back home so it’s not like he’s going to tell anyone. Not to mention the relief I’ll feel at finally getting all of it out in the open.

  Even though it is pitch black out here, I can see his green eyes shining down at me. They are filled with so much emotion that I feel like my heart might burst straight out of my chest. No one has ever looked at me like this before. For the first time in my life I feel like I might finally be getting what I deserve. I want to tell him everything.