Defect

by Danielle James

  My fist drove into Antonio’s face repeatedly. My defective brain bypassed all the signs that I should stop. All the popping and crunching sounds coming from under his skin. All the screams and the growing crowd. The warm spray of metallic crimson misting my face and coating my knuckles.

  I ignored all of it.

  I stopped when the fuck I wanted to.

  I stopped when Antonio wasn’t moving. When I stood up, silence ballooned in the hallway. Every pair of eyes was glued to me. Once again, nobody wanted to come near me. Maybe Antonio was right. Maybe I was one giant fucking defect.

  “Ezra!” My mother’s shrill scream didn’t make me snap back to reality or suddenly grow remorse in my chest. I didn’t give a fuck about Antonio. He was a piece of shit. The fact that he was sputtering and groaning on the floor honestly annoyed me. He was lucky I didn’t do worse.

  “Call the police!” Someone else screamed. I leaned against the lockers again and looked at everybody, waiting for someone else to call me defect like it was my name. All three of Antonio’s boys were church mice. They didn’t even try to help him up.

  Principal Dorsey grabbed my arm, trying his best to yank me into his office but I snatched away from him. He held his hands up after I glared at him. I could walk myself into his office. I was tired of everyone treating me like I was a walking vegetable.

  “The police are on their way, Ezra. You’ll be arrested,” he told me once I was seated across from him.

  “Okay,” I nodded.

  “No! That is not okay! Principal Dorsey, Ezra doesn’t know what he’s doing! He can’t go to jail. This is a big misunderstanding.”

  “No, it’s not, Ma! I know what the fuck I did. He deserved it. He spit in my face.”

  “He spat in your face?” Principal Dorsey asked, raising his eyebrows.

  “Yeah. He did. You think I flew off the handle for no reason? Run the tapes back.” I wiped the beads of sweat from my forehead, smearing Antonio’s blood across my skin. I didn’t give a fuck.

  Principal Dorsey gawked at me and opened his mouth. Nothing came out but he nodded his head. “Oh, he spit in your face? Why didn’t you tell me, baby? Why didn’t you come get me?” Mom asked, nervously nibbling her bottom lip.

  “Come get you for what? Were you going to wipe the spit from my face? You got a bib in there for me, Ma?” I rested my elbows on my knees and pushed out a long breath.

  “We’ll get this all sorted out when the cops get here.”

  “Cool. Whatever,” I said. Principal Dorsey left us in the office and that’s when my mother railed into me.

  “I’m trying to get you back into school and this is what you pull? What in God’s name has gotten into you? You would have never done anything like that before.”

  “Well, this isn’t before,” I muttered.

  “Clearly. You’re unhinged and you don’t need to be around people if this is how you’re going to act.”

  “You know what, Ma? Why am I not in therapy? If you think I’m such a fucking threat I should be sitting on someone’s couch.”

  “You don’t need a therapist. You need to come to church with me. There’s nothing that we can’t pray you through.”

  “Oh yeah? You let me know how your prayers work.”

  “Ezra, you’re tap dancing on blasphemy and I will not have that.”

  “What are you going to do, exactly? Are you going to beat God into me instead of getting me help? When did you become so devout?” I never remembered my mother being steeped in religion but she’d been glued to her bible ever since I came out of the coma. It was annoying as fuck, to be honest.

  “When I lost my sons!”

  “Oh, so…I’m dead? Good to know,” I nodded and stood to my feet. Energy was tingling and buzzing through my body and the only way to distribute it was to move around. Every time I stood up, my mother drew her shoulders in and tucked her chin close to her chest.

  “I didn’t say that, Ezra.”

  “You did! You said sons. I heard what the fuck you said, Ma! If I’m dead to you, say it. Stop pretending like you want to help me and take care of me.”

  “I do! Just calm down. Now isn’t the time or the place. We need to speak to the police and…”

  “And? Fuck the police.”

  “Ezra, please!” She hissed. Her brown eyes narrowed to slits. Frustration poured off her like buckets of sweat. I couldn’t force myself to care. She didn’t care when she buried Ev without me. She didn’t care when she spoke about me like I was an invalid. My respect for her was waning and my love for her was tied up in some weird limbo that I didn’t understand. Every time I tried to map out my feelings for my mother, everything got tangled and it pissed me off.

  I guess that was my stupid fucking brain not being able to sort things out.

  “Mr. Fredericks, come with us,” the deep voice at the doorway of Principal Dorsey’s office made my head jerk to the left.

  “Officer, is he going to jail? He’s not mentally stable. I have his files from the hospital and…”

  “Ma’am, he needs to come with us. You need to stay where you are.” I looked between my mother and the officer and went along with him quietly. A flicker of the old me wanted my mother to help me out of the fucked up situation I’d gotten myself into but the new me didn’t care. The new me was happy that someone told my mother to stay in her place. I could handle my own consequences as long as I was in control.

  The cop cuffed me with my hands behind my back before we left the office. He wanted to read me my rights privately before he took me out amongst the huge crowd that spread in the hallways. As much as the teachers tried to control the kids gawking and snapping pictures, they couldn’t. Their best bet was to let it happen and reprimand for it later.

  “Defect!” One of Antonio’s friends called as I was escorted down the hall and out of the building. They were safe since I was cuffed and flanked by two officers. Even still the men escorting me only reached my shoulders. I could see well above their heads and I locked eyes with all three of the Antonio’s groupies.

  “Fucking defect!” Someone else shouted. The words sprouted like fast-growing vines moving from person to person until it became an unruly chant. A roar that the adults couldn’t settle. I felt the hatred and fear from everyone. They were all scared and curious as to what I’d do next. Hell, so was I.

  The cops rushed me outside and helped me in the back of a squad car where I could finally hear my own thoughts. I searched my mind over and over for remorse toward Antonio but I didn’t find any. He was a piece of shit. I apologized to Everett in my head but that was about it.

  …

  I was booked and processed then put in a holding cell. You know who showed up five minutes after I got settled in? My fucking mother. She came waving her doctor’s notes and spewing her explanations about how fucked up I was in the head but it fell on deaf ears. From what I’d been told, I wasn’t moving from my cell until Antonio’s parents decided if they wanted to press charges or not.

  I stayed locked in that holding cell for six hours and the scariest part wasn’t being locked up. It was that I didn’t want to go back home. Being in jail was easier than being cooped up with my mother all goddamn day.

  “Fredericks, you’re getting released. The family has requested to speak to you first though.”

  “Just me or me and my mom?” I quizzed as I bent my head down to exit the cell.

  “Just you. You are aware that you’re a grown man. You’re eighteen, son.” The officer looked at me like I was crazy but he didn’t have Nicole Fredericks as a mother.

  “I know,” I nodded.

  “You’re taller than that goddamn cell door and you’re worried about your mother?” He laughed at me and shook his head. Like I said, he didn’t have to deal with her ass. I might have been twice her size but she knew how to wear me down with her incessant and annoying nagging.

  The guard walked me down a hallway to a private room with a heavy metal door. When he
escorted me inside, I saw Antonio and his parents seated at the table. Antonio’s nose was bandaged and his face was a swollen mess of black and purple bruises. His eye was swollen shut and his lip was completely busted.

  Damn.

  I fucked him up pretty bad.

  Still no remorse.

  “Ezra, hello,” Mrs. Morris said quietly when I sat down. She tipped her head back a bit and looked into my eyes. “I’m so sorry we’re seeing you under these circumstances.”

  “You have my condolences for Everett, son,” Mr. Morris sighed.

  “Thank you,” I said through clenched teeth. It wasn’t that I was angry with them, I was pissed that everyone got to say their final goodbyes to Ev but me.

  “Let me start off by saying we don’t condone what you’ve done. Toni’s nose is crushed, his jaw is broken and he has a black eye among other things. However, we did watch the security tape after Principal Dorsey brought it to our attention that Toni spat on you.” Mr. Morris cleared his throat as if it would unclog the anger and annoyance. It didn’t.

  “Under California law, spitting on someone in the way Antonio spit on you can be seen as an act of assault. So, we will not press charges because what you did was in self-defense. Also, we know that Everett and Toni were best friends and we know that you miss your brother. I can’t imagine how it feels to lose someone so close to you. I don’t know what my son thought he was doing by spitting on you like that but I am sorry, Ezra. That is not how we raised him. He could have had some common decency toward you after everything you’ve been through.” His mother sounded disgusted by her own son.

  “We just wanted to tell you that face to face. You don’t have to worry about us pressing charges,” Mr. Morris said with a nod. He stood up and helped Antonio up.

  “Son, do you have anything to say to Ezra?” Mrs. Morris asked, folding her arms.

  “Sorry,” he gurgled. I didn’t respond. I looked at him and folded my hands together on top of the small metal table I was seated at.

  Once the Morris family left, I was escorted out and processed out of holding. Mom was waiting for me at the front of the building. I walked right past her. “Seriously, Ezra? What is your problem?” She exploded with her hands over her head like that would finally warrant a response from me. Because yelling at someone and flailing your limbs around like a psycho always gets people to communicate with you.

  “I want to go the fuck home,” I told her.

  “I want you to talk to the pastor at church because he has an amazing therapy program that…”

  “I don’t want therapy from someone who yells at people on Sundays. If I’m going to go to therapy, I’m going to go to a doctor. Not a pastor.” I stalked to her car and got into the passenger’s seat, slamming the door.

  “You will go talk to the pastor. I already told him you were coming. He’s expecting you tomorrow.”

  “Okay?” I clicked my seatbelt into place and a sinking feeling started to eat away at my stomach. I felt uneasy whenever I got into the car with my mother since the accident. Even though I couldn’t remember the details of everything that happened, my energy remembered.

  “Principal Dorsey told me that the superintendent is moving forward with expulsion. You won’t be able to go to school anymore, Ezra. Are you happy?”

  “Yes,” I nodded.

  “Lord God, please help my son.”

  “I thought your sons died. Who the fuck am I then?” I quizzed.

  “Ezra, please. You have got to stop this. I know you’re aware of what you’re saying and you know it’s not right to continually disrespect your mother the way you are. This is outrageous. How am I supposed to help you for the rest of your life with you treating me like this? You think I don’t hurt every day for Everett too? You’re not the only one in pain. I wish you would stop acting like you are. I lost my son! Do you know how unnatural that is? A parent should never have to bury their child. I’m heartbroken.”

  “You, you, you. That’s all I hear. You don’t ever ask me how I feel. You only care about how you feel. You care about how everything makes you feel. I’m sorry I don’t care about your feelings right now, Ma. You’re alive. You’re fine. You walked away without a scratch on you. My twin is in the motherfucking ground and I didn’t say goodbye. It’s only been a month.

  You expect me to jump right back into normal life? I don’t have a normal life! My brain is fucked up and I can’t do anything I had planned for my life. I’m sorry if wondering how you feel isn’t at the top of my list. Right now I don’t give a fuck about how you feel.

  I don’t even know how to feel anymore. Everett was a piece of me and I have to function in this world without him. I’m going to adjust however I need to.” I wanted to shrink myself. I wanted to run away and pick the rotten pieces of myself out. Maybe I’d be normal again if I did that.

  Maybe if I picked out enough of the black and broken bits of me, time would rewind itself and I could have Everett back. Even if it were only long enough to say goodbye it would soothe my cinder block of a heart.

  “Well, now that you’ve gotten that out. I was thinking that if you’re going to be expelled from school we’ll get you enrolled in some night classes and you can get your GED. It’s not a big deal. It might be better for you that way.”

  It was like she didn’t hear a word I said. Thoughts sank into my head like rocks. She would never hear me. I stared out of the window and watched the palm trees whiz by until we pulled into the driveway of our house.

  Walking inside, I felt the same emptiness I’d been feeling since I got home from the hospital. I hated it. It gnawed at my stomach with serrated teeth. I rushed up the stairs to my room, training my eyes on the carpet beneath my feet. I still couldn’t look at Everett’s door. Whenever I did look at it, I imagined him on the other side listening to bass-heavy rap music. I could hear his laugh.

  I slammed my bedroom door and went into the bathroom. I still had oxidized blood smears on my face when I looked at myself in the mirror. My thick brows fell low on my forehead. It was my permanent expression now.

  I turned on the water for a shower and peeled my clothes off. Sometimes I rushed through my showers because the running water made the storm in my head louder and more fierce. I was alone with my thoughts and my thoughts were consumed with anger and thoughts of Everett. My mind was not a fun place to be and I felt trapped there.

  …

  “I’m going to work today. I shouldn’t need to tell you this but please stay in the house until I get back. I left food in the kitchen for you and you can do anything you want around the house.” Mom stood in the doorway to my bedroom, eyeing me, waiting for a response. She wasn’t going to get one. I slid my headphones over my ears and saw her leave out the corner of my eye.

  I was banned from leaving the house alone especially after beating the shit out of Antonio a few days ago. Before that incident, I could at least go outside for a walk. Now I was stuck inside. I wasn’t going to listen to her but the thought of it alone was ridiculous. I stood up and walked to the window. I wanted to watch her drive off to make sure she was gone before I went outside and took a walk. It was the only time I got fresh air.

  After fifteen minutes passed and I was sure Mom was gone, I put on my shoes and headed outside. It was the weekend and kids were everywhere on the block. I narrowed my eyes and looked around at everyone laughing and talking. They carried on conversations like the world was spinning normally. Like things weren’t warped and fucked up.

  I envied them all.

  I wished my life were as simple as Saturdays outside riding bikes and playing with friends. I wished my life were as simple as going to parties and trying to get phone numbers. My life wasn’t simple at all anymore. I was drowning in a storm inside of my head and I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it.

  “What’s up, Defect?” I heard the shouting over the low music playing in my headphones. Maybe I was hearing things. My brain was fucked up, right?

  “Yo,
Defect, can you hear?” I felt a hand shove me forward. I stumbled over my feet and looked over my shoulder. The storm in my head rumbled to life. Thunder clapped and lightning flashed.

  It was one of Antonio’s boys. His eyes were glassy and red and his breath smelled sharp like he’d been drinking. I tried to pull myself together before the rage took over me. It was the hardest thing I’d ever tried to do. Seconds ticked on while I tried to compose myself but my fist wanted to smash into his drunk face.

  “You think because you fucked Toni up you’re going to walk around like you’re tough? I bet you anything you wouldn’t try that shit on me. Fucking defect.”

  “Leave me the hell alone. I’m not trying to go back to jail.”

  “Only place you’re going is to the morgue. I don’t appreciate what the fuck you did to my boy. That was Ev’s best friend and that’s how you treat him? You need to learn a lesson.”

  “Are you sucking Toni’s dick or something? What the hell is wrong with you?” I asked, fisting my hands at my side. My chest tightened and my muscles turned to stone.

  “What did you say to me, Defect? I know your brain is fucked up but you need to watch your mouth.”

  “Fuck you,” I spat. No matter how many times that tiny flicker of a voice told me to back down, I couldn’t. I refused to be a victim because some asshole had a point to prove.

  I didn’t even know the asshole’s name and he was in my face goading me on. I knew I’d end up in jail again if I fucked him up the way the storm in my mind was telling me to but I couldn’t make myself care.

  Care, Ezra.

  Antonio’s friend punched me in the jaw and my headphones flew off my neck. I stumbled to the side. I tried to resist the urge to hit him but I couldn’t. I stood upright and cracked into his face with my fist balled up tight.

  It was a one-on-one fight for a few seconds then I heard someone shout, “Jump his ass!” I felt so many fists and feet on me that I lost count.

  I was set up.

  That’s all I could think of when I went down to the concrete. Antonio’s boy knew I wouldn’t be able to leave well enough alone. He knew the only way he could beat me was with a whole crew.