by Abby Lee
⋆ Carry on walking down the street/jogging in the park/drinking beers at the pub and know that you have done your little bit for democracy.
⋆ Stay up to 5 a.m. seeing the results come in.
⋆ Watch the Labour Party win, but with a massively reduced majority.
⋆ Go to bed and have a celebratory fiddle.
Thursday 12th May
There’s a handsome man lying in the grass in my front garden. He is fully dressed. And drunk.
I did debate for a moment whether it would be in his best interest to snog me, seeing as he’s such an attractive chap and obviously in need of a good woman to look after him.
Then I considered taking advantage of his situation and removing some of his clothing to get a peek at the goods.
And then I wondered whether I should call an ambulance for him – he is very inebriated, after all.
Instead, I decided I should help him manoeuvre himself into the recovery position so that I’d at least know that he was safe, even if he did pass out. I don’t think I’ll invite him in, in case he pukes all over my house, but if he’s still there in the morning, perhaps I’ll invite him in for a coffee.
Tuesday 17th May
Met up with Blog Boy again last night. We went to a cast and crew preview screening of a film I worked on last year and I think he was a little impressed that we had to go to BAFTA to watch it. Unfortunately the film itself wasn’t likely to score a BAFTA, it was actually laughable in places, which was a shame.
Still, it was fun to see it with Blog Boy. Our knees and arms were touching for the entire duration of the film. I know I shouldn’t read anything into it, but I’m positive there was something there between us.
And I’m sure that it wasn’t just the heat emanating from between my legs.
Sunday 22nd May
A few days ago I got talking to a journalist that I’d met through Fiona, and she mentioned that one of her colleagues was writing a piece on anonymous sex. His task: to find a woman who was willing to turn up and fuck him with no strings attached.
Naturally I was excited by this prospect; here was a chance for me to have some casual sex and skip the whole drama of meeting, chatting and getting to know someone. Forget on-line assignations, here I could just turn up, have a shag and leave, and this bloke would write about it and never even know my name. I wouldn’t have to go to the trouble of finding out his, either.
It sounded intriguing, so I suggested to Fiona’s friend that she pass on my email address to him, and if he was interested, he should get in touch.
He emailed just an hour later. He seemed like a nice enough guy, sincere, and Fiona’s friend vouched for him, so I knew he wasn’t some hind of pyscho. So today was the day that we arranged for me to go to his house and fuck him.
I was nervous, of course, partly through fear that we wouldn’t fancy each other, and partly because I’d never done anything as remotely daring as this before, but I set out to Ladbroke Grove well armed: see-through basque, black stockings, tiny g-string, knee-high boots, condoms and lube. Let’s just say I like to come prepared.
I rang the buzzer and he opened the door almost immediately, and we grinned at each other a bit stupidly then kissed quickly on the lips. There was a spark though, thank God, and I followed him upstairs to his bedroom, getting an eyeful of his shapely backside as we went.
It started off well. We kissed some more, clothing was removed. I went down on my knees and sucked his cock. He put a condom on, pushed me onto my front, slipped his cock into me and began to fuck me from behind. I was so excited that I came straight away. He took my hips in his hands and pushed himself in deeper and I climaxed again, bucking against him.
Then he fucked me more vigorously, and I shuddered so much that I pushed his cock out. He tried to penetrate me again, but his penis had gone soft. He sat down on the bed and proceeded to tell me that I reminded him of his ex and that he was too upset to shag any more. Then he rolled himself up in his duvet and turned away from me.
No matter how horny, how sexy, how hot the moment was, there was nothing like the passion-killer of the ex being brought to the bed too; we lay there for an hour or so talking about how broken-hearted he was – not exactly the aphrodisiac I wanted in this type of situation.
I did wonder what I was doing there, listening to some guy I didn’t know pour his heart out to me about another woman, when he should have been giving me a good rogering. But I felt bad for him. Being with me just reminded him of how much he still wanted and missed her, and I’m not such a bitch as to take my pleasure and leave. He deserved to be treated with respect and given dignity, even if I found the whole affair sad and pretty annoying.
Besides, I’d had three orgasms to his none, so I felt it only polite to listen to him.
Wednesday 25th May
Between them, the journalist and Franklin have given me plenty of food for thought. I’ve considered some other men I’ve slept with too and come to the conclusion that a lot of men are crap at one-night stands. The thing is, they want intimacy, but can’t accept that and seek solace through casual sex instead, only to find that that’s inevitably unfulfilling for them.
The idea that men use love to get sex and women use sex to get love must be a myth. In my experience men want and need love and companionship just as much as their female counterparts and women seek sexual pleasure and gratification just as much as men do.
The difference is that it’s still largely unacceptable for men to admit to that emotional need in case they are labelled ‘weak’ or ‘feminine’, and if a woman is open about her sexual desires she’s instantly a ‘slut’. So we don’t question the gender stereotype and it’s no surprise that this internal emotional frustration can be a source of conflict between the sexes.
I reckon that this suppression of feelings is the root of men’s insecurities and that this eventually manifests itself during bedroom antics: going soft or coming too quickly seems common for many men during casual sex. As a result, I believe men fall into one of three categories:
The Fucker. They are immersed in an existential emotional crisis, about which they are in complete denial. They seek to fuck as many women as possible as a way to feel better about themselves. The sex they have is cold, distant, emotionally detached, and purely masturbatory: they use the woman’s body to get off – her pleasure is irrelevant.
The Pseudo-Partner. They either haven’t had much casual sex or have recently come out of a meaningful relationship. They seek a connection with a woman and convince themselves that they just want a shag but are actually seeking emotional solace, either to boost their damaged ego or because they miss that shared closeness with someone. The sex they have is very affectionate, loving and tactile: they interact with the woman as if she were a partner.
The Lover. They may be newly single or just want more casual interactions on their way to finding that someone whom they connect with emotionally. They are not necessarily seeking sex just for the physical pleasure, but are open to all opportunities that cross their paths – even if that might mean ending up in a relationship with someone who was originally just a one-night stand. The sex they have is generous, fun and laid-back; they interact with the woman as if she were a friend, enjoying her intellect as well as her body in bed.
I seem to have met quite a few Fuckers in my time; they’re responsible for the horrendous interlude that was my early twenties. I had sex with men that not only didn’t give a shit about me, but actually pretended to give a shit about me in order to get me into bed. They told me that they had feelings for me and wanted to see me, but never contacted me again.
Sex with these men was dreadful, without exception. They fucked me as if they were the only ones with sexual needs and that all that mattered was their cock. I felt used, unsatisfied and empty, just a means for them to obtain their pleasure.
Being emotionally fucked up, these men kept lying to themselves about ‘just wanting a shag’, spent all their time lying to wome
n in order to have awful, selfish sex, and then went about their lives in denial. I bet they left a lot of messedup women in their wake.
Sex with a Pseudo-Partner is much better in terms of quality, but comes with its own baggage, this time at the other end of the scale. These men are unfamiliar with the necessity to keep a degree of emotional distance during a one-night stand and they resort to making love instead, even though they’ll swear blind that they only wanted to get laid.
They don’t want just physical gratification, but crave affection which they end up expressing sexually with someone they don’t really have feelings for – it’s a false intimacy, in every respect.
I’ve read about Pseudo-Partners time and again on sexblogs, and it looks like a lot of them end up seeking solace in the arms of a prostitute who offers a so-called ‘Girlfriend Experience’. They get sex, a cuddle and a chance to offload what’s on their mind instead of the clock-watching in-out, in-out that usually constitutes an appointment with a working girl. These men can then pretend to themselves that they are getting what they want – even if it is just for one hour. And by paying for it, it helps to maintain the charade that all they want is a shag.
Keeping up these appearances can be tiresome, however, and it seems to be quite common for men to have difficulty sustaining an erection when faced with casual sex. The journalist may have thought and said that he wanted a quick shag, but his flaccid penis was telling a different story – and a cock never lies.
I’m not saying that bedding a Pseudo-Partner can’t be enjoyable – the journalist was a great lay, which I’m sure was because he had had plenty of practice with his partner – but in a one-night stand situation, his lovemaking became ultimately unsatisfactory. I wanted to be fucked with abandon, and he wanted to snuggle up and lie in my arms.
It’s not all doom and gloom, though, because I’ve saved the best for last: The Lover.
Tom is a great example of this type of man. He is emotionally aware, upfront about what he wants and open-minded about what he might encounter.
His expectations do not seem to be centred round his need to suppress his emotions, nor does he suppress his sexual desire; rather he is able to have creative, laid-back sex if that is what he feels like having, or something more deeply felt if he prefers.
There is nothing soul-searching or angsty about the things he does – he has always told me honestly what he wanted from me and I have done likewise with him. The sex was flirtatious, spontaneous, tactile and relaxed. The true physical expression of sexual desire got explored and the experience was mutually enjoyable, and, of course, sexually satisfying on multiple levels – quite literally.
A Lover like Tom understands the difference between making love and fucking: he may shag with abandon, but he can still do it in a generous and sensual way, without resorting to that false intimacy and make-believe lovemaking.
Tom can also cut through the crap: if he wants to see me again, he says so, if he doesn’t, he’d say that too, I’m sure. He is mature enough to relate to me as an equal and as a friend – even if he’s fucking me senseless. Challenging the myth about them just wanting sex, men like Tom are able to connect on an intellectual and emotional level too; unlike the Fuckers or Pseudo-Partners, there’s no game-playing, so The Lovers make great one-night stands.
Sadly for me, Tom has ended up getting back together with his ex-girlfriend in Birmingham so that rules out future commitment-free romps and I am left still looking for men who don’t make the aftermath of a casual shag messy, complicated, uncomfortable or embarrassing.
I’ve hardly come across any Lovers so I suppose that proves my hypothesis. How depressing. Still, I maintain my optimistic outlook. I have to, after all; if I didn’t I’d never get laid, and right now I am gagging for some more action.
The Girl’s Top Ten Guide to One-Night Stands – for Women
1 Be clean, hygienic and keep your muff neat.
2 Wear nice pants. Clean ones are a must. Especially if you are planning on draping them over someone’s face at some point during the night
3 Always take condoms with you. Practise putting them on a dildo with your hands and also with your mouth: the latter skill especially helps when they go soft at the sight of a little bit of latex
4 Relax for goodness sake: it is just sex. It doesn’t need to mean anything
5 Enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be fun, not stressful. Don’t spend time focussing on your insecurities:
a) If you are getting naked with him, know that he fancies you and you turn him on
b) He doesn’t think you look fat; if you feel confident about your body, he won’t notice the cellulite
c) Don’t worry about not being porn-star sexy: if you are enjoying yourself, that will make his cock hard – not your trying to seem at ease with maintaining a fantasy representation of women
6 Enthusiasm is more important than experience. Do ask what he likes, and whether he is enjoying what you are doing; always be willing to learn new things – even if they are not to your liking (anything involving defecation, children or animals obviously doesn’t apply here)
7 Don’t worry if you find it difficult to climax. Instead of feeling pressurised to come, concentrate instead on that nice warm feeling in your pussy and enjoy it. If all else fails, move his hand away and do it yourself. Mama knows best, remember
8 Do try to remember his name. Though you could probably get away with ‘God’, ‘Jesus’, ‘Ah yeah, fuck me harder’ and ‘Do it! Do it!’ if you are unable to recall who you got into bed with. He won’t mind
9 Don’t be too affectionate, loving or tactile, nor expect him to be: this is casual sex, not a relationship
10 Make sure you understand the etiquette after the event:
a) If he says: ‘I’ll call you’ and walks out – he means: ‘Goodbye’
b) If he says: ‘That was great, thank you. Want to do it again sometime’ and gives you his phone number – he means: ‘I’d like to shag you again’
c) If he says: ‘That was great, thank you. I had a wonderful time – and not just because the sex was fabulous; the company was terrific too. If you’d be into meeting up for dinner sometime, give me a call’ – he means: ‘I’d like to see you again and get to know you some more’
d) If he says: ‘We are made for each other’ – run
e) If the sex was fantastic, but you don’t want anything more, even though he might, it could be tempting to use the guy as an occasional human dildo; but be aware of hurting his feelings if you decide to do so (unless he behaved like a total tosser, in which case, ride his cock till it makes you come, and then get the fuck out of there)
The Girl’s Top Ten Guide to One-Night Stands – for Men
1 Be prepared: hygiene and cleanliness are not optional here – especially in the trouser department
2 Pant choice can be important – always go for the newest ones you have, and obviously they should be clean. Style is not that relevant; though it takes a confident man to get away with wearing y-fronts
3 Always have condoms handy; there are no excuses here. Brand type is irrelevant, just ensure they are nearby as the moment ‘arises’. Do try to stay hard – it helps
4 Relax for goodness sake: it is just sex. It doesn’t need to mean anything
5 Enjoy it. Sex is supposed to be fun, not stressful. A one-night stand is not a job interview: it’s about having fun, not about your sexual prowess
6 Enthusiasm is more important than experience. Being willing to learn and be open-minded will make for much better sex than attempting to be the world’s greatest lover
7 Don’t worry if you lose your erection. It’s really not a cause for concern – sex does not depend on your ability to stay hard – just be willing to do other things to please her and yourself. Whatever you do, don’t say ‘Sorry, honey, it (pointing at your cock) ain’t happening tonight’ and then roll over and go to sleep. Do slide your fingers inside her, kiss her deeply and say, ‘God it turns me o
n to see you so worked up, I could do this all night’ and then prove it
8 Do try to remember her name rather than just call her ‘honey’, ‘darling’ or ‘babe’. Obviously don’t call her by the wrong name, or worse, ‘Mother’.
9 Don’t be too affectionate, loving or tactile; this is casual sex, not a relationship:
Making love is reserved for partners, not one-night stands
Intimacy can confuse the situation
If you want a ‘Girlfriend Experience’, go hire a prostitute
10 Make sure your etiquette after the event is up to standard:
a) If you say: ‘I’ll call you’ and don’t mean it – you’re a tosser
b) If you say: ‘That was great, thank you. Want to do it again sometime?’ and hand over your phone number – you might just get a call for another shag
c) If you say: ‘That was great, thank you. I had a wonderful time – and not just because the sex was fabulous; the company was terrific too. If you’d be into meeting up for dinner sometime, give me a call.’ – do make sure you give her your phone number too, or else you’ll look a right twat.
6
June
Wednesday 1st June