Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

by Steven C. Hayes

  It may help you to close your eyes and imagine it, and when you get it out there, open your eyes just long enough to read the next question. Then close your eyes again, see what comes up in response to the question, and allow this feeling to assume the properties that come to mind. This exercise may seem a little strange, but don’t let that stop you.

  EXERCISE: Giving Your Target a Form

  If this target had a shape, what shape would it be? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this target had a size, how big would it be? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this target had a color, what color would it be? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this target had power, how powerful would it be? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this target had a weight, how much would it weigh? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this target had a speed, how fast would it go? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this target had a surface texture, what would it feel like? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this target had an a internal texture, what would it feel like inside? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this target could hold water, how much volume would it hold? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ Now close your eyes one last time and picture the entire object. See if you can drop your struggle with an object made up of this exact size, shape, color, power, weight, speed, surface texture, internal texture, and volume. Try to be willing to experience it fully, without defense. Meditate on that for a few moments.

  Now, see whether there are any sticky negative reactions that appear to interfere with your willingness to have this object be exactly as you experience it to be. These reactions might be things like disliking it, fearing it, judging it, or just wanting it to go away. Close your eyes and see if any reactions like that are rumbling around.

  If there are not, you can end this exercise. If there are any, move the original target object off to the right and imagine taking your sticky, difficult reaction to that target and putting it four or five feet in front of you, next to the first one. See whether you can get it out in front of you on the floor in this room. For example, if you find that you hate the first thing, put “hate” out on the floor next to the first object. We will call this second one the “new target.”

  If this new target had a shape, what shape would it be? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this new target had a size, how big would it be? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this new target had a color, what color would it be? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this new target had power, how powerful would it be? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this new target had a weight, how much would it weigh? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this new target had a speed, how fast would it go? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this new target had a surface texture, what would it feel like? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this new target had an internal texture, what would it feel like inside? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ If this new target could hold water, how much volume would it hold? (Close your eyes and let the answer come up…try to really picture it.)

  _______________________________________________________________ Now, close your eyes one last time and picture the new target object. See if you can drop your struggle with this new object…with an object of its size, shape, color, power, weight, speed, surface texture, internal consistency, and volume. Try to be willing to experience it fully, without defense. Meditate on that for a few moments.

  Now before taking these objects back, since they do reside within you, close your eyes and just take a peek at the first target object and see if it looks any different in size, shape, color, and so on. It may or may not change, but just take a peek. Do you see any differences? If so, note what they are below:

  _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ _______________________________________________________________ Now imagine picking the new target up from the floor and taking it back inside of you, then take the first target and do the same, but also realize that it’s possible to be more willing toward the things we struggle with, and notice, too, that it is how we react to these events that gives them much of their power over us. Close your eyes and bring both objects back inside you, willingly, much as you would welcome a guest into your home.

  As we physicalize painful and avoided events, usually we become more able to embrace them. Many of you probably noticed that the second target was as difficult or more so than the first. Some of you even noticed, as you let go of your struggle with the second, the first target got lighter, less heavy, or smaller when you peeked back at it at the end. If this was true for you, you’ve discovered something really important: The power of avoided events derives more from our unwillingness to have them than from the features they have.

  Taking Apart the Problem

  Facing our problems is like facing a thirty-foot monster composed of tin cans, wire, and string. In this seemingly overwhelming form, the monster is very difficult to face. If we disassemble him, however, into all the separate cans, wires, and string that he’s made of, each of these pieces is easier to deal with one at a time.

  In the next exercise, we will walk through the multiple dimensions of your target item, and see if it is possible to embrace each element willingly. If you recall the metaphor of being in a tug-of-war with your own emotions, in essence we will “drop the rope” with each domain, one at a time.

  You can do this either in workbook form or as an eyes-closed exercise. To do it the latter way, you can read it into a tape recorder (leaving long pauses where you will need time to process the instructions), and then with your eyes closed, follow the tape and do the work. Or you can have a friend read it aloud to you. Be sure to ask your friend to give you the time you need before proceeding. Setting up a signal system at each pause would be a good idea, such as your friend not reading past a pause until you raise your finger.

  If you do it as a workbook exercise, do it slowly (don’t rush through it just reading, for it will be unlikely to have any impact that way). Instead read a little, do thoroughly what the text asks, then read the next part, and so on. This exercise can easily take an hour or more if you take your time to do it properly,
so don’t start until you have the time and a quiet place in which to work.

  EXERCISE: The Tin-Can Monster

  In this exercise you will continue to work with the target item you’ve been exploring this chapter. However, you may want to copy this exercise before you start working on it, so you can do this with different targets later.

  Get comfortable wherever you are seated. Now first notice your breathing and take a few nice deep breaths, with the air coming in through your nose and out through your mouth. See if you can notice those parts of your body that come in contact with the place you are sitting. Now notice any sounds that are present in or outside the room. Take at least a minute just to get centered before moving on. You can use some of the mindfulness exercises presented in the last chapter to this effect.

  Start out by recalling something that happened last summer. Anything that comes to mind is fine. Remember what was happening then. Remember where you were and what was happening. See if you can see, hear, and smell, just as you did last summer. Don’t remember the scene as if you were someone else looking at the scene from the outside. Do it from inside the body of the person called “you” who was there, looking out from behind your eyes. Close your eyes and take a few moments to imagine this scene.

  Now notice as you remember the scene that you were there. There was a person behind those eyes, just as there is now. And although many things have happened since last summer, notice too that there is an essential continuity between the part of you that is aware of what you are aware of now, and the part of you that was aware of what you were aware of back then. As you know from chapter 8, we call that person the “observer-self.” See whether you can do the rest of this exercise from the point of view of your “observer-self.” You can let the scene you’ve called into memory go once you have gotten into the observer’s seat.

  Bodily sensations. Get in touch with your target. Take a few moments to do this. Deliberately become aware of the feelings that are attached to your target.

  Now watch your body and see what it does. Just stay in touch with the feelings and watch your body. See if you notice any bodily sensations arising. If there are several, select just one to focus on. If you are doing this exercise in workbook form, write down your bodily sensation on the line below:

  __________________ Now focus on that single bodily sensation. If other events crowd in (thoughts, emotions, memories, other bodily sensations), let them know you will get to them later, and shift your attention back to this bodily sensation. Notice where the sensation begins and ends. Notice exactly where it is in your body. If you could make a sculpture in the shape of this sensation and put it into your body, what would it look like?

  Now see if you can completely “drop the rope” with this sensation. Must it be your enemy? Is it okay to have it be exactly as it is? If you find there is still something you are resisting, create an imaginary sculpture that is 100 percent identical to the sensation and place it where the sensation was, so that everywhere the sensation used to be, you now have the identical sensation that you created. They are identical, but this one you created. See if you can allow this sensation to be there as it is, instead of running away from it. How would that be? You aren’t promising yourself you will always do this, but for just this moment, see whether you can do it.

  Now go back to get in touch with your target, and once again watch your body and see what it does. See if there are any other bodily sensations that pop up in association with your target. If there are, that’s just one more sensation to focus on. If you are doing this exercise in workbook form, write it down here:

  __________________ Now focus just on that bodily sensation. Notice where the sensation begins and ends. Notice exactly where it is in your body. And once again see if you can give up any sense of struggle with this sensation. Is it okay to have that sensation (not “okay” as if you like it, but just “okay” in the sense that you acknowledge it and allow it to be what it is). Take a few moments and sit with that feeling until you sense that you are a little more open to having that feeling in your body.

  If you find that you are talking to yourself about it, that is a thought. We aren’t dealing with thoughts yet. Just come back to feeling the sensation and seeing whether you can renegotiate your relationship with it. Are you willing to sense what you are already sensing?

  Now set that aside and get in touch with your original target. Take about a minute to look for other specific bodily sensations. You can repeat the process described above as many times as you wish for each different specific bodily sensation. After a while, you also can just go through and notice all the little twinges or other reactions that appear, without spending much time on each. As each one pops up, notice it and acknowledge it. It would be like waving to one acquaintance after another from across the street. Just welcome them and acknowledge them, without arguing, agreeing, doing what they say, resisting, defending, or any of the rest. You can write down any other bodily sensations that appear here, one at a time.

  __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ After you have exhausted all of your physiological sensations, then you are ready to move on to your emotions.

  Emotions. Go back and get in touch with your target once again. Take a few moments to do so. Deliberately become aware of that feeling.

  This time, watch for emotions associated with your target. Just watch and see what they do. Stay in touch with your feelings and take a few moments to see what comes up for you. If several things come up, select one to focus on. If you are doing this exercise in workbook form, write it down here.

  __________________ Focusing just on this one specific emotion, see if you can actually get next to this emotion by choice, instead of running away from it. See if it’s okay for you right now to feel this particular emotion. The goal here is not to like or dislike the emotion. We aren’t evaluating it. The goal is to feel it, as it is, without needless defense. Try not to let it spread out into other areas like thoughts, or behavioral predispositions. Just go into the emotion. We will get to the others later.

  Is there anything in this emotion that you cannot have in this moment and this moment only? Is there anything truly dangerous, harmful, hostile, or bad that requires you to get rid of it, or considering it only as an emotion, is this something you can experience? However much you have opened up to this specific emotion, see if you can open up to it just a little bit more. Again, see if you can actually get next to this emotion by choice, instead of running away from it. See if right now you can stay with this one emotion. Take a few minutes and sit with that emotion until you sense that you are a little more open to it.

  Now set that aside and get in touch with your original target. Take about a minute looking for other specific emotions. You can repeat the process as many times as you wish with each different specific emotion, but see whether you can do at least one more round. When you feel another emotion, write it down below:

  __________________ Now repeat all of the same steps as before. See if you can let go of any sense of struggle with this emotion.

  After taking a minute or two to do that, look again, and if you sense there are other emotions present, just notice and acknowledge them. As each one pops up, just welcome them and acknowledge them. You can write down the names of the other emotions that show up below, one at a time. Don’t go on to the next item until you sense that you are beginning to “drop the rope” (i.e., that you stop struggling so much) with the emotion on which you are focused.

  __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ __________________ After you have exhausted all of the emotions that are attached to your target, you are ready to move on to behavioral predispositions and urges to action.

  Behavioral predispositions. See if you can get in contact with the person behind
your eyes, the observer you, the aware person you’ve been your whole life. As we have been diving into your content, that sense of self may have slipped away, and doing this exercise effectively requires contact with this more transcendent aspect of our experience. From that perspective (or point of view) get in touch with your target feeling. Take your time until you have it.

  Now, see whether you can sense an urge or a pull toward action. What do you want to do when you feel this? Don’t actually do it, just notice the pull to engage in this behavior. It’s almost as if your muscles are starting to move. It’s kind of like a bodily sensation, but it’s more like the beginnings of a behavioral sequence. When you have one write it down here:

  __________________ This time, instead of just doing that behavior or trying to suppress it, stay exactly where you are and feel what it feels like to feel the pull to behave in this way, without actually behaving in this way. It’s like standing on the ledge of a tall bridge over a river and feeling a slight pull to step back or to jump. Instead of stepping back or jumping, just feel the pull. Now ask yourself, “Is there anything in this pull that is something I cannot have? Is it fundamentally bad or something that will destroy me? Is it something that I must get rid of?”

  As before, if other reactions (bodily sensations, emotions, thoughts, etc.) try to creep in, let them know you will get to them later.

  Take a few minutes and sit with your behavioral predisposition until you sense that you are a little more open to its pull to act on it, without needing to act on it or make it go away.

  Now set your behavioral predisposition aside. Again, get in touch with the person behind your eyes, the observer you. From this perspective, see whether you can bring the target feeling into the center of your consciousness. Watch quietly for what other behavioral predispositions may be present. As you watch, stay with your observer-self—the part of you that has always been you. Watch from there. When you have another behavioral predisposition write it down below: