Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life

by Steven C. Hayes

  For new things to happen, we must break down the old things. ACT clients sometimes call this the “reverse compass.” They learn that if a habit points north, it may be time to head south. That strange little item in your actual exposure exercise in chapter 10 (remember the exercise “Acceptance in Real Time” about deliberately doing more of what your mind said you could not do) was a reverse compass item.

  When large, old, inflexible patterns break down, you have an opportunity to establish new patterns where they are needed. Some of these patterns can be consistent if it works for them to be so (for example, you may find that it works to keep your commitments); others can be deliberately established as more flexible patterns if being more flexible works.

  Pattern Smashing

  Let’s give you an example of some pattern-smashing games that you might play. Suppose you notice that you always have a drink or two when you go to parties. You don’t have a drinking problem, but you suspect that some of this social drinking might be part of your pattern of getting comfortable, so that you can relate to people more easily, and that, in turn, is a part of your pattern of “try not to have feelings that I don’t like.” That larger pattern has costs, and you see that; so, perhaps you could get a handle on breaking out of your larger pattern by attending to this small aspect of it that you just detected.

  So, how about going to the next party without consuming any liquor? Just for fun. Just to see. It might be interesting to see what it’s like not to have any alcohol to grease the wheels of socialization. And instead of withdrawing, how about looking a stranger in the eye and getting a real conversation going. Instead of holding back, how about saying something slightly personal? Inside all of these smaller changes, you may discover whether you’ve been using crutches, and what they cost you, if anything.

  Suppose you notice the pull to “look good” and “be right” when you are with other people. Superficially, your efforts cost you nothing, but you suspect they are part of a larger pattern of trying not to feel small, which, in turn, is part of a larger pattern of trying not to be seen, for fear of seeming small, and that is part of a larger pattern of accepting the idea that you are, indeed, small. If you noticed that pull, you might try doing something that would create social discomfort intentionally, for no other reason than to feel what it is like to be uncomfortable socially.

  For example, wear white socks with dark clothing, but don’t talk about it. Skip putting on your make-up or apply it in a silly way. Tell a lame joke deliberately, but don’t explain it. Deliberately misstate a fact you know, but don’t admit you are doing it deliberately. Tell an embarrassing story about yourself to friends. Pay for something using only small change. Purchase something odd (like deodorant) and then return it.

  Do you see the point? The goal is not to be silly or to be a fool. Once you’ve broken up the pattern, new behaviors will become possible. The goal is to confront your larger patterns when you detect they have built a box for you to live in that spreads into areas you care about.

  For example, if you can return deodorant, you also might be slightly more likely to knock on a stranger’s door and ask for a contribution to feed hungry children (if an action like that appeared on one of the “action” lists linked to your goals and values). Or you could call someone you barely know and ask for a date (if that showed up on one of the “action” lists linked to your goals and values).

  One great way to break up unhelpful larger patterns is to do truly new things regularly. Paint a painting if you’ve never done so; learn to dance; sing a song in a karaoke bar; join a social group; take a cooking class; fix or build something yourself; write a poem; start a journal. This can be especially useful if these “things I just don’t do” are part of a larger pattern of avoiding failure.

  Superficially, it seems as though it wouldn’t matter if you can’t give a toast because, “I’ll be embarrassed if it’s bad.” After all, how often would you have to give a toast anyway? But what larger pattern is being fed? If it is a larger pattern of playing small, you may be building yourself a straightjacket with these tiny choices. You may be feeding a conceptualized self (“I’m just not good at doing social things” or “I’m just too anxious”) that is systematically narrowing your own ability to live. (See chapter 7 for a discussion about the conceptualized self.) If so, it’s time to kill off that conceptualized self by breaking the pattern. This is the sense in which ACT advises “kill yourself every day.”

  We’ve identified some of the key larger patterns that language encourages: experiential avoidance, cognitive fusion, attachment to the conceptualized self, and so on. If you do anything different in the presence of events that normally lead to these patterns, you are helping to create more psychological flexibility. In the grandest scheme of things, that is the ultimate goal of ACT—the ability to fit your behavior creatively into the larger patterns you wish to create. Said another way, the ultimate goal of this book is psychological liberation. How much has your life been about what your mind suggests, rather than what you want it to be about?

  You many wish to return to that exposure exercise in chapter 10. If you haven’t finished working with all of the items, perhaps now is a good time to do so. If you have more lists to work on, perhaps now is the time to begin.

  Because You Said So

  As you take responsibility for building larger patterns that serve your interests, and as you break down patterns that do not, it’s important to keep your eye on the linchpin in both: Can you do what you said you would do? Building the strength of that pattern is the most important pattern of all. It’s a good idea always to be working on keeping small commitments for no reason at all other than you said so. Here is why.

  You cannot build larger behavioral patterns in agreement with your values unless you can do what you say you will do. But if you limit doing what you say to this one area, a vulnerability opens up: What if your mind gets you confused about what is or is not a value? It seems safer to fill that gap. That way, if you make a commitment and begin to reconsider it because you now think it is not really important, you’ll have the strength to maintain the pattern for long enough to complete the commitment.

  The way to fill this gap is to choose to do things for no reason other than you said so. At one time in human history this was a common practice, and was considered a kind of moral training. It still exists in our spiritual and religious institutions, but at a much weaker level than it once was. Examples might include getting up and going to bed at an early hour just because; foregoing favorite foods for a period of time, just because; fasting, just because; wearing an uncomfortable shirt, just because; writing in a journal, just because.

  Such commitments should be clear and time-limited. The need for clarity is obvious, but they should be time-limited because otherwise, knowing they will eventually end, your mind will suggest that the time to end them is now.

  It is best that they do not seem important (that way they also provide practice in defusion from the need for importance). The importance comes when life demonstrates that keeping your commitments is useful. This is just a way to practice and build that pattern.

  None of this will work, however, unless you maintain the pattern. It is sometimes surprisingly hard to do. This is in itself revealing. If the patterns are trivial, why are they so hard to change? Usually, it’s because there is a strong past pattern of not keeping commitments, or keeping them only when you “have to,” which is all the more reason to practice.

  Defusing from What You Are Not Yet Ready to Address

  You cannot address all of your unhelpful behavior patterns at once. But there is a huge difference between taking things one step at a time, and creating new forms of rigidity that will later become problems. Suppose, for example, you have an anxiety problem and you use tranquilizers occasionally to try to reduce your anxiety. This is not likely to be harmful as long as you are undermining experiential avoidance patterns and you stay open to considering the role of tranquilize
rs when you get to them.

  What is dangerous is fusing with exceptions (“Whether Valium is a form of avoidance or not, I don’t care. I have to have my Valium.”) as if you get to decide which patterns are workable or not, regardless of their actually workability. What if you go forward so far, and then it becomes clear to you that Valium is, in fact, part of a larger avoidance pattern (we are not saying it must be…but what if?). Fusion such as this will now create a very difficult barrier indeed. It is far better to take a flexible “wait and see” posture with whatever you are not yet ready to address.

  Fused statements like, “If I ever lost my mother I would just fall apart!” or “I can’t face my abuse history. I can’t!” are both unhelpful and dangerous. Moving in the direction you value doesn’t mean getting to have it your way. One step at a time is helpful. Choosing your values is essential. “I get to pick what works and what doesn’t work” is pure fantasy. If you are not yet willing in a given area, fine. Just watch for the cost and stay open and defused.

  Share

  There is nothing in life that is not made more real by sharing. Intimacy is a matter of sharing your values and your vulnerabilities. If you are building new patterns and breaking up old ones, share that process. If you see a form of avoidance and you are ready to let it go, tell others of what you see. It’s like shining a light down a dark hole where you hide. It becomes much less appealing to hide there because at least one person will know the game you’re playing. If you have a new commitment, share that too. It will make it real. Just don’t expect the other person to make that new thing happen, and don’t try to deflect your responsibility by sharing.

  Staying Mindful of Your Values

  The best way to build larger patterns is to be mindful of them. The worksheet on the next page can be very helpful in this regard. You can fit four months of data at once on it, allowing you to look at very large patterns of progress in each of the ten domains where you have done values work (our thanks to David Chantry for allowing us to use this form, which he developed).

  Guilt, Forgiveness, and Repair

  Earlier in this book we discussed the fact that all people have an investment in keeping their “reasons” and their “stories” true, even when their bottom line is pain, or limitation. Now it’s time to face another source of pain that is built into growth: that is, guilt over wasted time and opportunities.

  Human beings don’t come with owner’s manuals. Most of us have to learn the hard way how normal psychological processes can become traps—by becoming trapped. ACT research demonstrates that the processes we’ve described in this book can be powerful sources of change. But real progress immediately confronts us with the fact that things that happened to us in our lives, which became part of very destructive patterns, did not, in hindsight, have to function that way.

  VALUED LIVING

  Use these charts to keep a record over the next few weeks of your ratings of how important each of these life areas are to you (these ratings may not change very much), and how consistent your actions have been with each of your values. Each week, mark your ratings by putting in the appropriate box a forward stroke (/) in, say, red ink for your importance ratings, and a backward stroke () in, say, black ink, for your consistency ratings.

  Ouch.

  The pull to fuse around a new form of defense is very powerful. In its most extreme form, that pull can destroy progress by using the secret function of maintaining the story “I couldn’t do anything else.” Usually this pattern is seen when the person realizes how much harm took place in the service of avoidance, fusion, or maintaining a conceptualized self. Marriages may have been broken needlessly. Children may have been driven away without real cause. Parents may have been blamed too harshly. Opportunities may have been spoiled forever. Sometimes it is not even possible to apologize: people have died or are no longer interested.

  Ouch.

  In such situations, this is precisely when the processes we’ve been describing are most needed. This is when you need all the kindness and compassion for yourself that you can muster. To accept these painful feelings, defuse from self-critical thoughts, and focus on what it is you really value, you must be kind to yourself. If you do that, even your pain becomes part of your new, more self-respectful, more values-consistent path. Respectfully decline your mind’s invitation to beat yourself up for not knowing what was in the owner’s manual you were never given. You do not need to defend that by fusing with new defensive rationalizations. You did the best you could at the time. You know more now.

  Often growth processes require not just self-forgiveness of the kind we have just described, but forgiveness of others, too. Suppose, for example, early in your life, you were abused in some way and the feelings the abuse engendered became a destructive force in your life. As you learn and practice the skills of acceptance, defusion, mindfulness, and directing your life in terms of your values, you may begin to realize (1) that you’ve been trying to hold the abuser responsible by making sure your own life is a mess, and (2) that you have the skills to move ahead, even with your history of abuse, into a life you value.

  This can be very painful. It may seem as though you are letting the abuser “off the hook” if your life prospers without that person first admitting his or her wrongdoing, or hurting the way you were hurt, or, at the very least, acknowledging your pain. In some sense this may even be true (for example, an abusive parent seeing your new progress might think, “See, I didn’t really do anything so bad.” Ouch).

  But the “hook” went through you first…then your mind put the abuser on the hook. Letting go of keeping that person on the hook means you can now slide off too. It doesn’t mean that now you think that what was done to you was right. It means moving on, and serving your own best interests.

  The etymology of forgiveness is “giving what went before.” Forgiveness is really a gift to yourself, not to the events or persons who created hurt in your life.

  As this kind of process deepens, you will probably encounter the inverse situation. You may begin to see how avoidance and fusion led you to destructive acts toward others. You may have been self-righteous, or shown a lack of integrity. You may have been distant, or failed to be there for the people you loved. In your fear, your children may have received less than they deserved. In your addiction, your employer may have been shortchanged.

  The flip side of forgiveness is responsibility. When you detect destructive patterns of behavior in yourself, taking responsibility means trying to clean up your past messes, and systematically making repairs where you can. If you skip this step and simply try to move toward what you value now, it will have a hollow ring.

  WHOSE LIFE IS IT ANYWAY?

  Life is hard. Life is also many other things. Ultimately your life is what you choose to make it. When the word machine dominates, life works one way. When the verbal evaluative side of you is but one source of input, life works differently. The choices themselves aren’t always easy, but finding the freedom to choose is a liberating experience. It’s your life. It is not the word machine’s—even though (of course) it tells you otherwise.

  Conclusion

  The Choice to Live a Vital Life

  When you confront a core problem within yourself, you are at a choice point much like the figure below illustrates. Off to the right lies your old path of avoidance and control. This is the path the negative passengers on the bus most want you to take. It is the logical, reasonable, sensible, verbal path. Your mind will chatter on about dangers, risk, and vulnerabilities and will present avoidance as a method of solution. You’ve been down this path, over and over and over again. It’s not your fault; you’ve done what any reasonable person would do. It just turns out not to be effective, vital, or empowering.

  Conclusion Figure 1. The crucial fork in the road.

  It’s not your fault, but now that you know, it is your responsibility. Life can and will make you hurt. Some of that you don’t get to choose: it comes regardless. An a
ccident may confront you with physical pain; an illness may confront you with disability; a death may confront you with feelings of loss. But even then you have the ability to respond (the response-ability).

  The consequences that come into your life derive from the actions you engage in, and most especially the actions we’ve been discussing throughout this book. No one but you can engage in acceptance or avoidance; fusion or defusion; living in your head or living in the present; taking yourself to be nothing but your programming; or taking yourself to be your continuity of consciousness itself. Most of all, no one but you can choose your values.

  There is a crucial fork in the road. You must choose which path to take. The less traveled path to the left is the path of acceptance, mindfulness, defusion, and valuing what you really care about. Down that road is vulnerability and risk, but it is about something.

  These two roads lead to very different places. It’s not that one leads to problems and one doesn’t. It is not that one leads to pain and one doesn’t. They both lead to problems. And they both lead to pain. To the right the problems are old and familiar; to the left they are new and even more challenging. To the right the pain is deadening and suffocating; to the left the pain is bittersweet and intensely human.

  Imagine you are looking down at that fork in the road. From above you can see that this choice before you is part of a larger system of choices. Imagine that you start right in the center with your problems. You hit the fork in the road and if you go left, you go into the acceptance and commitment cycle. If you go right, you go into the control and avoidance cycle. Both of these cycles are illustrated below.

  Conclusion Figure 2. The Acceptance Cycle and the Avoidance Cycle.

  In the control and avoidance cycle, life is all about what your mind tells you. You become entangled with verbal predictions and evaluations. You start trying to do what your mind says to do, even if you’ve tried these things before and found they didn’t work. Your “life bus” is turned over to your mental passengers, and they drive right off into control and avoidance. For a little while it even feels better. At least it is predictable. You feel relieved.