by Ada Marie
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. Bella, you’re not selfish. I know you’re going through a hard time, or that’s what your parents told us, but we just want you to know that we’re here for you, we love you and we want you to lean on us,” Matt said. He truly regretted what he said. Of course he knew she wasn’t selfish; she was far from it. He just couldn’t understand how she left without even saying goodbye.
“It’s not that far from the truth. I’m selfish. I left you and everyone else hanging without saying, well, anything. You should hate me for that, but I’m not going through anything; I’m fine. And I really wish people would stop telling me otherwise.” Annabella tried to remain cold an emotionless while she spoke.
“Annabella, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean…”
“Please just go, I just want to be alone,” she said.
“Fine, I’ll go. But this conversation isn’t over; not by a long shot. I’ll fight for you. I don’t care how long it takes,” Matt said, opening the door and shutting it behind him.
Sitting on the edge of her bed, Annabella felt the loneliness sneak up on her. Here she was, with so many people that cared about her, but she kept pushing them away until she was completely alone.
She wanted to scream until she had no more voice.
***
Dear Diary,
How can you lose yourself in such a short amount of time?
There was a time in my life when I thought I had everything. I never thought anything bad could happen to me. Some people have things handed to them; others earn everything they’ve ever wanted. Some people have good luck but my luck is shit. I get dealt all the wrong cards. I’m a broken shadow of who I used to be.
I wake up each morning only to dread the day, to dread my life, everything was stolen from me and I have no idea how to get it back. I’ve thought about telling someone so many times, but I can’t. I can’t load my own hell on someone else.
His presence still lingers everywhere; it’s like I can’t escape. I feel like I’m drowning in my own memories. He haunts me every single day. I can still feel his hand as it touches me. I can still hear the sound of his voice, smell his strong scent.
It’s all such torture.
I just want to forget, but the more I try, the more I remember. I can’t remember the good things in life. I can’t remember what it feels like to be happy.
Among everything though, I’m angry. I’m angry at myself. I let this happen. I trusted someone I shouldn’t have. I stayed late in that locker room. My actions set this all in motion.
I’ve cried so much that my tears began to dry. Nothing comes out anymore. I’m just a washed up version of a girl that I used to be. It’s so dark, everything is black, and there was a time when everything was so bright and colorful but it’s all gone.
Where the hell do I go from here? My nights are sleepless, they end in tears.
I’m turning into my own type of hurricane. I destroy everything I touch. Matt kissed me today, and I pushed him away. Matt kissed my lips but I felt him. Matt touched my face but I felt him. I’ll never be able to love. Love is for the weak and the naive.
***
Annabella put her journal away. She knew she needed to relax. She was on the verge of breaking down completely. She knew she’d never be able to fully get away from the pain. She would never be able to, but she could escape it for a while.
Going into her bathroom, she drew a bath and soaked in bubbles while listening to her iPod. Closing her eyes, she sighed in relief. It was just what she needed after the day she had. Including the time she spent with Travis.
Travis.
She thought of him and how he wanted to get to know her. Why would he want that? Why would anyone want to get to know a girl with so much baggage? What could possibly be appealing about a girl who wore baggy clothes to hide her body? A girl who kept to herself and never let anyone in? What could he possibly want to get to know?
The best way to keep Travis sane, was to never give him the time of day. She’d push him away just as she did everyone else in her life.
Although, she wasn’t being fair; he didn’t have to go out and buy her that iPod. Nor did he have to apologize for acting like a jerk.
The sad fact was that Annabella, as much as she’d love a friend, she didn’t trust a soul.
***
Waking up the next day, Annabella dressed herself in workout pants and a sweater, and tried heading out for a run. Each morning it was the first thing she always did; she loved to run. It kept her from the memories. It was another escape, even if it only lasted for a little while. As she took each step downstairs, she was met with the wrath that was her best friends.
“Where have you been? Where were you yesterday?” Aubrey snapped, putting her hands on her small hips and narrowing a glare at her.
“I was with a friend. We got caught up. I don’t need to explain myself to you,” Annabella snapped back, walking to the fridge to pull out a bottle of water.
“We came all this way to see you, Bella. And it’s like you don’t even care,” Chelsea cut in as Annabella finished her water.
“You used to be so calm and collected; happy, even. Now you’re just this girl who’s changed, someone we don’t even recognize anymore. You’ve changed so much, and not in the good way,” Maxie stated harshly. Against her better judgment, Annabella let the words sting her.
What was this, an intervention? She’d changed, was that so hard to accept? She wasn’t the same girl she was back in Tampa. He made sure of that.
“What do you want from me?” Annabella snapped pounding her fist on the counter “I’m not that girl. I’m not the one I used to be and I’m not going to stand here and listen to you tell me how much I’ve changed for the worst in my own home.”
“We’re just trying to help you. We just want you to be the girl you were before,” Aubrey told her best friend. If only she could get through to her…
“Yeah, we just want you back,” Maxie added when Ryan and Matt came further into the room.
“You don’t get it; maybe I’ll never be her again. Don’t you get that I’m not that girl I was all those months ago, and if I’m being honest I never will be. But I’m fine and I don’t need you guys telling me what I should be doing or talking to my parents about what is wrong with me. I’m fine. Change is a part of life and sooner or later you need to deal with it.”
“Why are you being so bitchy?” Aubrey asked. A frown sent wrinkles from the corners of her mouth to her chin.
“Hey, there’s no need for all of this,” Ryan said, coming to his little sister’s rescue. “If Bell says she’s fine then she’s fine. The three of you are supposed to be her friends, so start acting like it. Stop being so negative. You shouldn’t be telling her everything you don’t like about her, you should be telling her all the things you love about her. Isn’t that what friendship is?”
“But she’s a completely different person now,” Chelsea whined.
“Change is life; we all change,” Matt defended. He felt like he owed her for everything he’d said last night.
“I don’t have time for all of this, you can either accept me for the person I am now, or you can get the hell out of my house. I’m going for a run.” Annabella left them standing there with confused looks on their faces.
***
Annabella felt like she’d been running for eternity. She just kept running and running; she wanted to escape it all.
Everything from the secret she was keeping, to everyone pitying her, to her best friends basically saying they hated who she was becoming. She didn’t expect it to hurt as much as it did when her friends confronted her. She thought she’d already lived through all the pain she’d have to take in, and yet here she was taking in some more. She’d never forget the look in their eyes; it was a hint of disappointment mixe
d with pity. Annabella hated it.
The was lost in her thoughts until she bumped into someone and landed hard on her read end. Travis sat beside her on the ground.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” Travis joked, lending her a hand to help her up from the ground.
“Oh, so you’re not going to yell at me and tell me this is entirely my fault?” Annabella said, pulling the ear buds out of her ears.
“Tempting, but no. I was actually going to come by later. You forgot this yesterday.” Travis pulled her phone out of his pocket.
Frowning, she took it. She hadn’t even noticed that she didn’t have it. Travis misinterpreted her expression. “What’s wrong? Oh, is it not yours?”
“It’s not that. It’s just that I didn’t even notice it was gone,” Annabella admitted to the guy standing in front of her. Travis was wearing black running shorts and a grey tank top that showed his muscles. He was pretty buff for his age in her opinion.
“You do now.” He smirked down at her. Upon noticing her distress, he softened his expression and held out the phone.
Annabella sighed and gently took it, careful to not let their hands touch. “Thanks.”
“What’s wrong?” Travis asked.
“It’s nothing, I don’t want to unload my problems on you,” she said. In all honestly, she could really use someone to talk to.
“I’m a great listener. You can tell me, and who knows, maybe if you tell me you’ll feel better. Most important maybe you’ll trust me enough to give us a chance to be friends,” Travis remarked as he led her through the park. They sat at the picnic table where he’d hunted her down to give her the iPod.
“My best friends hate me,” she mumbled, putting her hand to her cheek. She didn’t bother looking at him.
“Why would you think that?” he asked, intrigued. How could anyone hate her? She seemed like a pretty content and giving person. But then again, his judgment about people wasn’t always correct.
“They came to visit, and I have barely spent any time with them. This morning they basically told me they hated the person I’ve become,” she answered calmly. She wanted to contain her emotions even though it hurt like hell that they didn’t like who she was becoming.
“I’m sure they don’t hate you. Maybe they just don’t understand the new you,” Travis suggested. He sounded like he was speaking from experience. Annabella was surprised how easy it was to talk to him.
“Maybe. I don’t know,” she said, giving him a shrug.
“Hey, you’re going to have to be positive; it’ll all work out. And you know what would be even better?” Travis asked.
“What?”
“If you’d give me a chance to be your friend.” He stared intently at her.
“I don’t know. Listen, Travis, I’m no good for you. I’m no good for anyone. I’m not perfect like all those other girls,” she said. Her emotions were starting to overwhelm her.
Of course she wanted a friend; she’d been alone for so long.
“I don’t want perfection, I want the real you. I want to know your hopes, your dreams. I want to get to know the Annabella that lives behind those beautiful blue eyes,” he confessed.
Surprised by his declaration, Annabella wasn’t sure what to say.
“I don’t mean that in a romantic sense you know. I mean I don’t want to get in your pants, if that’s what your silence means. I just want to know you. I think you could use a friend just as much as I could,” Travis told her. “What do you say? Take a chance on me?”
Take a chance? How? How could she take a chance when every time she did, she always ended up hurt? How could she see the good in things when such horrible and terrible things have happened to her?
“I won’t let you down,” Travis pleaded.
“I don’t know.”
“What are you afraid of?” Travis just wanted to understand.
“I’m afraid to trust you, and then have you end up like everyone else. I don’t want to be let down,” she whispered.
“I won’t let you down, I promise. And if I do, I give you full permission to taze me.” He smirked at her as a way to get her to smile, which she did.
“Fine. We can be friends, but I have just one condition,” Annabella told him seriously.
“What is it?” Travis asked her.
“You have to promise that it won’t go any further, that all we’ll ever be is friends,” Annabella said, trying not to let her fears come out.
“Deal,” Travis said as she offered his hand to her.
“Deal,” she repeated shaking his hand.
“Can I walk you home?” Travis offered. And for the first time, Annabella felt a bit relieved. She wasn’t happy, but she didn’t feel as terrible as she always did on any other day. She knew her friendship with Travis would be a good thing.
Six
“So, what do your parents do?” Travis asked as he and Annabella walked down the street on the way back to her house.
“My father is a neurosurgeon, and my mom is a nurse. It’s how they met actually,” Annabella told him.
“That’s kind of neat.” Travis admitted.
“What about your parents?” In the short amount of time they’d known each other, he’d always been the one to question her, yet she pushed him away, but it occurred to her that she knew next to nothing about Travis.
“My mom’s a lawyer. As for my dad I don’t know. I’ve barely seen him since I was fourteen.” Travis spat.
“Why not?” she asked, surprised. Annabella didn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t have both of her parents.
“He cheated on my mom, then left us for the woman, got married and now they live a couple hours away.” Travis mumbled.
“I’m sorry Travis. That’s got to be hard to deal with.”
Travis shrugged. “You get used to it. Pain is something I’ve always known, but I can only let him hurt me if I choose to. I let go of it a long time ago. Everyone suffers; we just have to learn to find our way back to happiness...”
Annabella walked in silence thinking about what Travis said. It was like he was reading her mind and speaking right to her fears. She was suffering, and she couldn’t stop it. She’d been suffering for months, but she couldn’t let it go. He was still hurting her, and he’d always be able to hurt her because she couldn’t let go of the past.
“You okay?” Travis asked as he watched her face fall.
“I’m fine, I’m just tired. The run I took is kind of wearing me down right now.” It was a half-lie.
“Do you want to stop for a little bit?” Travis offered.
“No, I’m okay, I can make it. Plus, we’re almost there,” Annabella told him.
“Okay, so what do you say about doing something fun sometime,” Travis suggested.
“I’ve been here for nearly four months, and yet I’ve never seen anything fun to do, Travis.” As she spoke, they came up to her house.
“You just haven’t been hanging around the right people. You stick with me, and you’ll have loads of fun,” he told her with a wink.
“Full of yourself much?”
“No, I just know how to have a good time,” Travis teased with a smirk, his brown hair falling in front of his eyes.
“Alright Mr. Hotshot,” she teased back. “What’s there to do for fun in this town?”
“Well, you’ll just have to trust me and let me show you around tomorrow,” he said.
“And If I said I don’t want to?” She said in a playful tone
“I could always make you.”
“I’d love to see you try,” Annabella dared as they made it to her door. “Would you like to come inside? I can get you some water, and then I can take you home if you want, so you don’t have to run back.�
��
He just wanted to spend more time with Annabella to get to know her.
“I’d love to come inside, but you don’t have to take me home,” Travis said. He loved the offer, but he was okay to run back.
“Okay. First though, I feel the need to warn you, you might get scolded by my brother.” She opened the door only to be met with her three best friends, her brother, and Matt. They all stared as Annabella offered Travis water.
“Well, who’s this?” Ryan said as he came to the counter where Annabella and Travis sat caught up in conversation.
“This is Travis, and he’s a friend. Travis this is my brother Ryan.”
Ryan smiled as he extended his hand. He was glad that his sister was finally making friends. His parents told him she never hung out with anyone. “It’s nice to meet you, Travis. Would you like to stay for dinner tonight? We’re ordering pizza.”
“You don’t have to.” Annabella said, not sure if he’d want to or not
“Do you want me to?” Travis asked with a smirk. Looking to her friends, she felt their judgment.
“I’d love it if you stayed.”
“Then I’ll stay.” He smiled.
“Bella, can I talk to you for a sec?” Aubrey cut in. She was clearly angry and didn’t bother trying to hide it.
Looking up, she knew that it was time to face her once and for all. “I’ll be right back. Be nice to him,” she said to her brother. She then went upstairs to wait for the intervention that was her friends.
“What the hell is going on?” Aubrey asked. Any trace of a supportive friend was gone.
“What are you talking about?” Annabella asked, genuinely confused.