by Ada Marie
***
Dear Diary,
Matt won’t let me go, and I don’t know how to convince him that it’s over. He keeps telling me that he’s going to fight for me; why won’t he let me go? I can’t be the girl I used to be, I won’t ever be her again. Why can’t they all just let me go? I hate who I’ve become. I hate her so much, but I hate him more, for making me this monster I’ve become. I don’t deserve Matt. I let all of this happen, everything. The reason that incident in the locker room even happened was because of me, so I got what I deserved. I don’t deserve any bit of happiness anymore.
But Travis…
He makes me feel happy. Not completely. Just flashes. He doesn’t tell me that I need to be someone, or that he wants to save me, he just says he wants to know me and that scares the hell out of me. What if he turns out to be just like him? Or what if he finds out about my past? I’ve tried so hard to keep it hidden and buried, but secrets have a way of coming out, and what if this is one of those secrets? I haven’t known him for long, but I like my friendship with Travis. For months I’ve felt so alone, and he makes me feel like I’m not. I don’t want to lose him. It sounds strange, but I become someone else when I’m with him.
Aubrey and the girls make me feel so small. They look at me with their judgmental eyes and their fake smiles, and I know it will never be the same. They’ve been here for two days and I just can’t seem to be around them. It just reminds me of what happened. They remind me of him. I can’t be in the same room with them and I can’t contain the emotions that run through me when I am.
Aubrey and I are supposed to be best friends, but she won’t accept the fact that who I was before, well, she’s gone. I will never be that girl. I would give anything to be the girl I was before. I’d give anything to be happy again, but I need to face the reality of everything. And the reality is I’m stuck in this hell forever.
***
That night was a sleepless one for Annabella. She wished her parents never left. She wasn’t happy before her friends got here, but she was dealing. Not well, but in her own way
Now everything was spinning in slow motion out of control. She wanted nothing more than for everything to be the way it once was. She would love nothing more than to be able to be the way around her friends that she used to be, but she couldn’t go back. She couldn’t erase the past, the filth and disgust that she felt every time she saw her reflection in the mirror. She was a completely different person. That sweet, innocent girl, whose only goal in life was to make a difference and to help people, was gone. Her goals were done and dead.
Giving in, Annabella got out of bed, knowing she wouldn’t be able to sleep. She went to her desk, and began to write. Moments passed by before hearing a knock on her door. It was three thirty in the morning, who could possibly be awake at this hour?
“Come in,” she called in a whisper loud enough for the person behind the door to hear.
She was surprised to see Aubrey. Her blonde hair was pulled back in a ponytail and she wore a tank top and purple pajama shorts.
“Hey,” she whispered. She sounded sad. Annabella felt bad. She imagined it couldn’t be easy on her. All of the sudden, her best friend had a complete change of personality. If the roles had been reversed, Annabella assumed she’d act the same way that Aubrey did. Not that she would ever wish what happened to her on anyone, especially not her best friend.
“What are you doing up?” Annabella asked, offering her best friend the seat on the futon that was in her room against the wall.
“I couldn’t sleep. Then I went to the bathroom and saw your light on. Bella I’m so sorry,” she said, surprising Annabella
“Why are you apologizing?” she asked, confused. If anyone should be apologizing, it was her. Annabella was the one who’d changed. She’s the one that was letting their friendship drift apart.
“I’ve acted like such a bitch. I know that you never intended to hurt me, or any of us. And I knew that, but that didn’t stop me from treating you so horribly. I’m not going to lie to you, I don’t like how much you’ve changed, and it scares me. You’re not the happy go to girl that you used to be, but I can accept you for who you are. I promise. I just need time to adjust. I don’t want to lose you forever,” Aubrey cried, staring down at her fingers.
It was shocking for Annabella to see Aubrey in the state she was in. She was usually so put together. She was never afraid to tell you what she was thinking, yet here she was pouring her heart out to Annabella and she seemed to be a tad nervous.
“Aubrey, I’m not mad, or even upset. I’m mostly just confused. I thought out of everyone that you’d be there for me in my time of need, but you made me feel like such an outsider. You made me feel like everything I was doing was wrong, and you accused me of blowing you off for Travis. I wouldn’t do that. I could never do that. I’ve known Travis for all of five minutes. I’ve known you my whole life. Do you have any idea how much it hurt for all of you to disapprove of the person I’ve become?” Annabella asked, pouring her emotions into each and every word.
“I’m sorry that I hurt you, I really am.” Aubrey told her, feeling the guilt and shame that came from her hurting the best friend she ever had.
“Let’s just leave it in the past. We don’t have to spend the next week like this. I mean we might as well spend as much time together as possible, right? You’re leaving in a week’s time,” Annabella said. As hard as seeing her friends was, she loved them deeply and didn’t want to say goodbye yet.
“Actually we’re not.”
“What do you mean?” Annabella asked, shocked.
“Well, it’s summer. Maybe not for you, since you moved and start 3 weeks earlier than us now, but we’re on vacation and we wanted to spend more time with you, your parents even said it was okay. Chelsea, Maxie, Matt and I are all going to stay for a few weeks. Well, that is if it’s okay with you,” Aubrey said cheerfully. It made Annabella smile that she was getting back to her usual self.
“How could I say no when you put it like that? You seem happy,” Annabella told her. Sure, it was difficult for her to be around her friends right now, but at the same time it was difficult for her to be away from them. She was torn. She wasn’t happy in life, but maybe her friends being close would at least get her to a bearable point, and she wasn’t about to make the rest of their lives miserable, just because hers was.
“So, now that we’re back to loving each other and not hating each other, what is up with Travis?”
Annabella smiled at the sound of his name, and she didn’t even know why. “We’re just friends.”
“You’re totally not just friends. Did you see the way he looked at you when you came downstairs after crying? It was like he could behead someone for upsetting you,” Aubrey sang.
“Not true. Anyway I can’t be with anyone right now, and more than that, Matt kissed me,” Annabella confessed to her best friend, relieved that she could finally talk to someone about the awkward moment.
Aubrey’s eyes began to widen, a grin growing on her face. She was always Matt’s number one supporter, and to this day she still believed they belonged together.
“You’re with Matt?” Aubrey asked hopefully.
“Not at all, I told him it was useless to fight for me because in all honesty, I don’t think we’d ever work. Not this time.” Annabella knew her friend was going to have something to say about that statement.
“Travis seems like a cool dude and all, but you and Matt, you belong together. Don’t let that go.”
Annabella felt like screaming. The truth was Travis had nothing to do with it, she didn’t even feel for Travis in that way, at least she didn’t think she did. The fact was that she wasn’t ever going to be able to feel for a guy what a seventeen year old should be able to feel. All she’d see was him. She couldn’t bear the touch of any guy on her bod
y. It disgusted her. It was just better if Matt cut all his ties and moved on. Despite everything, Travis or no Travis, she and Matt wouldn’t ever be together again.
She couldn’t bear it.
Eight
Waking up the next morning, Annabella turned to find herself next to her best friend. They’d stayed up for hours just talking the way they used to.
Aubrey told her about the guy she’d been seeing, although she never mentioned a name. It turned out she was falling in love for the first time. Annabella felt happy for her friend. She was glad to see someone’s life going great. Aubrey talked for a long time about how Annabella needed to give Matt the time a day.
Annabella loved her best friend more than anything, but deep down she just wished she would stop pushing Matt on her. They were over and the sooner Matt accepted that, the better for him. She’d never be able to love him.
Getting out of bed, she quickly showered and dress and then sat down at her desk and began to write in her diary.
***
Dear Diary,
She keeps pushing me to give Matt another chance. Doesn’t she understand? I’m broken. I’ve lost the ability to love. I can’t love anyone, not even myself. The thought of someone else touching my body in such an intimate way, makes my skin crawl.
I’m glad that Aubrey and I made up, but she just doesn’t understand. How could she? I feel trapped inside of someone else’s body, someone else’s life. How in the hell do I get better when I can still feel him everywhere?
***
“What are you doing?” Annabella heard Aubrey call from over her shoulder, and she hesitantly closed the diary.
“I’m not doing anything. I’m going to go downstairs and get some breakfast though,” Annabella informed her as she put her diary in one of her desk drawers and locked it. That would be a disaster waiting to happen.
“I’ll come with you,” she said. “So what’s on the agenda today? “
“I have plans with Travis,” Annabella commented as they headed down the hallway to the top of the stairs.
“What about us? I thought you said we could spend more time together?” Aubrey asked in a disapproving voice. Annabella knew that deep down it had nothing to do with her not spending time with her, as it did that she was going to spend time with Travis rather than Matt.
“I’ll be back soon, I can’t bail on him. I promised, and I always keep my promises,” she said with a smile.
“Why not? You said it yourself, you barely even know him.” Aubrey’s defense was feeble. In the end she knew Annabella would go.
“Travis is my friend just as much as you are. In fact, he’s the only friend I have here. I’m not going to leave him hanging, and he wouldn’t do that to me. You know, you’d actually like him, if you just gave him a chance,” Annabella said harshly.
Aubrey didn’t dislike Travis because of anything she heard or assumed about him, she only disliked him because she felt like he was the only thing standing in the way of Annabella and Matt. “I doubt that. He comes off kind of cocky. “
“He’s not though. Deep down inside of that thick skull of his, he’s a decent guy. You just have to give him a chance.” There’s was a time when she thought Travis was a self-centered, cocky bastard, but now she was about to go face one of her biggest fears with him. Heights.
“I doubt that. When will you be back?”
“To be honest, I’m not even sure. But I’ll try to make it soon,” Annabella called from her bathroom as she dressed.
“Where are you going?”
“Cliff jumping,” Annabella replied, her heart racing with thrill. She was excited yet terrified. Ever since the incident she’d been so afraid to live, but Travis was bringing something out in her she thought she never had. Courage.
“You cannot be serious.”
“I am,” Annabella told her and when they reached the kitchen, she was faced with Travis.
“What are you doing here?” Annabella asked him. She hadn’t even realized he was there.
“I’m waiting for you, remember we have plans,” Travis said, moving away from Ryan to close the distance between him and Annabella.
“You could have called, or texted,” she suggested.
“What’s wrong with surprise?” Travis asked in a mocking tone.
“There’s nothing wrong with it, but if you would have called I would have been ready by now.”
“I suppose that’s true, but it’s okay, I had your brother of there to keep me company,” Travis said. He was surprised how much he really did like Ryan.
“Well do you want something for breakfast?” Annabella offered, walking to the fridge to take out a bag of bagels. She held out a bottle of water.
“I already ate, but thank you anyway,” Travis said, taking the bottle.
“So what do the two of you have planned today? “ Ryan asked as he took a bite of the bagel he’d made
“I’m taking your sister cliff diving,” Travis said, his eyes only Annabella as she ate.
“Cliff jumping? What in the world are you thinking?” Ryan scolded Travis.
“I’m thinking it’ll be fun. And she says that she hasn’t done anything fun since she got here. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t change that?” Travis said playfully as he took a sip of his water.
“Aren’t there other things you could do for fun without trying to get my sister killed?”
“It’s totally safe. It’s not completely high you know. People do it all the time.”
“You better take care of my little sister, or I swear to God, I’ll kill you.” Annabella smiled at her protective big brother. She knew that no matter what, she’d always have her brother on her side. When all else failed, her brother would always be the one to take care of her.
“Ry, it’ll be okay. I promise, I’m not even completely sure I’m going cliff diving, but I promised to go check it out. I never once promised to jump,” she said, aiming her last statement at Travis.
“It’ll be fun,” Travis teased. He felt his phone vibrate. As he took it out, there was a text from Marissa.
[Marissa:] I miss you. Please, give me another chance.
Sighing, he put the phone back into his pocket. He didn’t have time for this. The sight of Marissa made him sick. He had nothing to say to her, and he wanted nothing more than for her to just leave him alone.
“Are you okay? “ Annabella questioned, observing his sudden change of attitude, breaking him from his thoughts
“Yeah, I’m fine, ready to go? “ Travis asked, shaking off the feeling of disgust left over from Marissa.
“You brought your bike?” Annabella asked in a disapproving tone as Ryan, Matt, Chelsea, Maxie and Aubrey followed them outside.
“I did,” Travis told her with a smirk. He knew exactly how she’d react.
“And you expect me to get on the back of that thing?” Annabella asked, crossing her arms and giving him a death glare.
“I do. Come on, Bella, live a little.”
“If I had a death wish I would, but I’m not ready to die yet,” Annabella said. The truth was she was already dead, at least on the inside.
“Come on, you know it’s tempting,” Travis said, as he leaned against his bike.
“If she doesn’t want to, she doesn’t have to,” Aubrey hissed.
Standing with her arms crossed, Annabella’s expression softened. Live a little? Could she do that? Did she want to do that? Could she get on the back of his bike and be okay with being so close to him?
Live a little.
She’d been in the dark for so long, maybe it was time for her to take a chance.
“Give me that,” Annabella said, holding her hands out for the helmet Travis held.
“Let me help you,”
Travis said, buckling the helmet in place on her head.
“Are you sure about this Bella?” she heard Ryan ask from over her shoulder.
“I am,” she assured him then turned to Travis. “Where is your helmet?”
“I don’t need one,” he said.
“Bella are you crazy you cannot get on that thing. You could get seriously hurt,” Aubrey said.
“Aubrey, calm down, I’ll be fine.”
“Shall we go?” Travis asked, hopping on his bike. Annabella followed suit, wrapping her arms around him.
“Yes.” And then they were gone.
Annabella had to admit that riding down an open highway on a vehicle with no roof or walls was quite the risk. Sure she’d taken her Maserati flying down back roads as fast as she could go tons of times, but this was different.
It was a bike.
She felt excitement rise inside her as Travis began to speed. She felt fearless for the first time in months, and she felt like she could take on the world. Even though she knew this feeling was only temporary, she wanted to embrace it. Wrapping her arms tighter on Travis, she began to feel free, the invisible chains that kept her prisoner to her past came off. The thrill of the ride was exhilarating.
She knew that if it were possible, she’d want to live in this moment forever. The thrill and excitement of speeding down a highway was just enough to pause her pain and hurt for just a little while. She wanted to stay right here, right now.
As the bike began to slow, the feelings came rushing back to her. Everything in her dark world became reality again, rather than something then was just a horrible dream.
“How do you feel?” Travis asked, helping her off the bike. She flinched at his touch.