Bearly Christmas

by Becca Fanning

  Noah put his arms up and Chloe scooped him up, snuggling him for a moment before carrying him over to the changing table. He was so big that his arms and legs hung off the edges and Chloe watched carefully to make sure that he wouldn’t tumble off.

  “You are getting so big!” Chloe said under her breath as she searched for a clean outfit. “You’re already wearing toddler clothes, isn’t that something?”

  Noah gurgled. “Mama!” He cried loudly, beating his stubby fists against the side of the table. “Zoo!”

  Chloe broke into a wide grin. “That’s right sweetie, we’re going to the zoo today. Can you tell me who lives at the zoo?”

  Noah closed his eyes and wrinkled his tiny features. “Tigers!” His voice was a startling burst of energy and Chloe jumped a few inches off the ground.

  “That’s right, honey,” she crooned as she reached over and pulled Noah’s pajamas off. “Tigers! And bears, and lions, and lots of other critters. We’re going to have a fun day.”

  By the time Chloe was ready to leave the house, half of her wished that she could climb back into bed and sleep. Noah was exhausting. She’d always heard that two-year-olds were their own special kind of trouble, but she wished that someone had really warned her how tiresome Noah would be. Chloe loved her son more than anything else in the world, but sometimes she felt like the job of parenthood would have been better suited to a married couple than a single woman in her early thirties.

  She remembered the day that she’d decided to have Noah.

  “Chloe, I haven’t heard from Richard Abrams about a sequel confirmation. You may be looking at a dry spot of a few months.”

  Chloe shifted uncomfortably in her seat. It was hard to concentrate on what Dick, her agent, was talking about. She was in tremendous pain from the stiletto heels strapped to her feet and the compression garment sucking in her already-tiny waist.

  “That’s fine,” Chloe chirped. “I was actually hoping to have a few months off. I have family on the West Coast and I’d love to go see them.” She wasn’t lying. After spending fifteen years trying to make it in “the business,” she felt like she more than deserved a break. She could practically feel it now – the relaxing heat of the California sun, the warm sand baking beneath her body.

  Dick frowned. “And Chloe, have you ever thought about getting married?”

  Chloe burst out laughing. When Dick glared at her reproachfully, she felt a blush come over her cheeks. “No,” she said, covering her mouth with a delicate hand. “I’m sorry, Dick, but that’s not even close to being a priority right now.” She composed herself. “I’ve always wanted a family, but I don’t think now is the right time.”

  “You’re not exactly getting any younger,” Dick replied. “What about Mack Stratton? He’s single, and he’s told me before that he thinks you’re the most beautiful actress in New York.”

  Chloe pulled a face. “No,” she said firmly. “No, thank you.”

  “Will you at least consider it? It might help to improve your image?”

  Chloe frowned. “Dick, what are you talking about?”

  “Well, it’s just….” Dick trailed off. He straightened up in his chair and folded his hands in his lap. He was a fey, slim man in his early fifties and until now, Chloe had trusted every word that had come out of his mouth. They’d had their differences, but overall she felt as though they’d worked together quite successfully. “Chloe, it might help the way you’re perceived. Women don’t like to look at gorgeous, single actresses. They feel belittled about their own choices in life.”

  “That’s stupid,” Chloe scoffed. She sighed. “I wish I had a family, Dick. But my career isn’t where I’d like it to be, and I just…well, I just don’t know. I mean, I’ve never really dated that much, you know? I don’t have any idea of what marriage is supposed to be like.”

  Dick’s eyes widened. “You want to have a family?”

  She nodded. “Of course I do,” she said. She was telling the truth – recently, passing mothers with strollers in Central Park had given a kick to her insides. She knew that her time was ticking, but it just didn’t feel like the right moment.

  “Why not have a baby?”

  “What?” Chloe frowned. “With whom?” She held up a hand before Dick could reply. “And do not say Mack Stratton, please.” She rolled her eyes. “He’s so pretentious. He’d be a terrible father.”

  Dick shrugged. “Don’t they have sperm banks for these types of things? Why not have a baby, by yourself? You’d be a great mother, and it would really open you up to a whole new category of roles.”

  Chloe bit her lip. Everything in her wanted to say yes, but there was one small hesitation. “What about my career? What if it never bounces back?”

  Dick gave her a small smile. “Then you’ll know that you had a good ten years of it, and you can retire fabulously,” he said. “You’ve done an excellent job managing your resources. And don’t forget, there are always reunion shows. Directors love those.”

  Chloe closed her eyes and thought for a moment. “I’ll do it,” she said quickly.

  Now, Chloe knew that deciding to have Noah had been the best decision of her life. The two of them had just moved from New York City to upstate, near Ithaca. The wilderness was proving a startling change for Chloe, but she knew in her heart that it was the best decision for Noah. After all, she’d taken him to expensive child therapist after even more expensive therapist. The consensus was all the same: sure he exhibited some odd behavior, but he was stuck in a concrete jungle! Everything would change when he got out in the wild!

  “Yeah, right,” Chloe said under her breath. She strapped Noah into a car seat – made for five year olds – and gently closed the door.

  At the zoo, Chloe and Noah picked up a map and then met up with the rest of his nursery school class. Noah was technically too young to be in nursery school – his classmates were all three and four – but Chloe had batted her eyelashes at the school coordinator. She was glad that he had a chance to socialize with his peers, it was one of the reasons why they’d moved to the country.

  Chloe hated to admit it, but while Noah had enjoyed some success with his peers, she hadn’t exactly had the same luck. She was used to New York Women, like herself. The kind of women who wore heels, lipstick, and jewelry to the grocery store. The kind of women who toted their children around in designer sacks, stayed incredibly thin after pregnancy, and looked like a magazine spread on perfect motherhood.

  No one around here is like that, Chloe thought dismally as she surveyed the zoo group. The other “class moms” seemed to regard Chloe with a mix of envy and disdain. Every time she’d tried talking to one of them, she hadn’t been met with friendliness.

  “Oh, are you the nanny?” One woman had snidely suggested. “I don’t know how you can possibly fit into those skinny jeans!”

  “My fat jeans became my new skinny jeans after having Allie!” Another mother had crowed in response.

  Chloe had politely shaken her head. She didn’t want to be seen as aloof, but it was hard feeling like she had nothing in common with the other women her age.

  Today’s going to be better, she thought determinedly. I’m here to make a new friend, just like Noah. Fortunately, Noah hadn’t suffered the same predicament: he was immensely popular among his classmates. Chloe had even observed Noah teaching the other boys a kind of game: wrestling and pretending to claw at each other.

  The day was surprisingly hot and Chloe could feel sweat beading on the back of her neck as she carried Noah through an exhibit of sloths. She was wearing her usual casual outfit: black skinny jeans, peep-toe ankle boots, and a sleeveless black peplum blouse that showed off her trim figure. She’d brought a hat and her favorite designer sunglasses for the sun, but now she was beginning to regret dressing in all black.

  “Hey there!”

  Chloe turned around at the sound of a male voice. Lowering Noah to the ground, she gazed over the rims of her sunglasses at the man approaching
her. Something clicked inside her belly and she shivered with a tiny thrill of lust. Stop it, she thought in irritation. Just because it’s been a year since you had a date does not mean this is the right guy.

  “Hi,” Chloe said. She extended her hand. The man seemed surprised, but they shook – his huge paw engulfed her slender hand. “I’m Chloe.” She gazed around at the kids laughing and playing by the sloth exhibit. “I’m Noah’s mom.”

  “I’m Clay,” the man replied. He had an easy grin, a broad, tan face, and perfect golden-brown eyes. They were hypnotizing, like liquid caramel or honey. “Want some water?” He held out a bottle, dripping with condensation.

  Chloe’s mouth went dry and she nodded furiously. “Thank you so much,” she said graciously as she unscrewed the bottle and took a long drink. “I’ve been dying. I normally have a bottle, but I guess Noah and I were running a little late this morning.”

  Clay raised his eyebrows at Chloe in a way that made her feel like he could see what she looked like naked. The same shiver of lust came over her – much stronger this time – and she tried to fight it away. She was aware that Clay was staring at her and she tried to straighten her posture, suddenly glad again that she’d worn something flattering. Chloe didn’t even notice the scathing looks from some of the other class moms.

  “This is my son, Noah,” Chloe said.

  Clay squatted down – his frame was so large that he was still fairly high off the ground – and looked at Noah. “Hi, little guy,” he said. “Having fun at the zoo?”

  Noah blinked before running behind Chloe’s legs and peeping out from between her knees. “Animals,” he said uncertainly, putting his thumb in his mouth.

  Chloe bent down and scooped Noah up, letting him rest on her hip. “He’s a little shy,” she explained. She frowned. “But if you’ve met him before, it’s unusual for him to act this way.” She smiled at her son. “C’mon, Noah, you know this guy, right? He’s one of the class dads.”

  Noah gurgled and tangled his hands in Chloe’s low ponytail.

  “Want to go check out the otter exhibit?” Clay grinned. “Those little guys are my favorites in the whole zoo.”

  “Sure,” Chloe replied. She felt grateful for the distraction. “Let’s go.”

  As the three of them walked through the otter exhibit, Chloe couldn’t help herself from sneaking the occasional glance at Clay’s sculpted, muscular body. He wasn’t the kind of guy she found herself normally attracted to – her last boyfriend had been a skinny, model-type, much like herself. But she couldn’t deny that there was a sizzle of tension between Clay and herself that only seemed to get stronger as the day went on. He was wearing a pair of dark jeans and a plaid button-down shirt that she normally would have found goofy. But somehow, on Clay, the look was quite sexy.

  “Have you lived around here for a long time?” Chloe peeked over the edges of her sunglasses, into Clay’s golden-brown eyes. In the sun, they were like liquid amber. She found herself hypnotized by the little flecks of black.

  Clay laughed. “Pretty much my whole life,” he said, shrugging and holding his arms high over his head. “I love this place. It gets a little crowded sometimes – you know how moving to the country has gotten so damn trendy.”

  Chloe blushed. “I moved here recently,” she admitted. “I used to live in New York.”

  “We’re still in New York,” Clay said playfully. “But judging from that outfit, I’m going to have to guess that you meant the city.”

  Chloe nodded. Just thinking about it made her miss it. Suddenly, her bones ached for the jangly excitement of Manhattan, for the sour summer smells of hot trash and grease and people.

  “I know you’re a city girl,” Clay continued. He was eyeing Chloe in a way that, again, made her feel like he could see more than he was really letting on. “But you’ll find that you like living out here, too. It’s different, but it’s better. It’s healthier.”

  Chloe rolled her eyes. “I felt pretty damn healthy when I was walking six miles a day in heels,” she grumped. “And it’s not that I don’t like it here.” She looked around, trying to view the small zoo uncritically. “But it’s so different from what I’m used to.” She swallowed hard, suddenly aware that she was about to divulge more than she’d normally feel comfortable with. “And well, I’m just not sure. I want a good life for Noah. I don’t want him to be miserable, cooped up in an apartment.”

  Clay threw his head back and laughed. He had a full mouth of even, white teeth and Chloe shivered. “I can’t imagine growing up in one of those skyscrapers,” Clay said after he’d stopped laughing. “I mean, it sounds miserable. No green, no trees. No room to run or play.”

  Chloe shook her head. “That’s not true,” she argued. “When I was growing up, I spent every weekend in Central Park. We even went horseback riding,” she added defensively. “And I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything.”

  “And how about Halloween?” Clay raised his eyebrows and looked down at her petite frame. “Don’t tell me; you didn’t celebrate because your parents were too afraid someone would give you a razorblade chocolate.”

  Chloe blushed. “No,” she replied. “I celebrated. My sister and I ran around in our apartment building, knocking on all the doors.”

  “And you got candy? Or just apples from a bunch of health conscious city freaks?”

  Chloe giggled. “One time, we got a whole box of cookies,” she said shyly, running a hand through her ponytail and smoothing Noah’s damage. “Our neighbor was this….woman, who stayed home all day…and had a lot of male guests. She showed up at the door in a black negligee and handed us an unopened box of Oreos.” Chloe laughed again. “My sister was terrified but I thought it was the funniest thing ever.”

  Clay laughed politely. “Okay, that’s pretty good,” he said. They resumed walking lazily along the path. “Well, if you love the city so much, why’d you move here? It’s nothing like New York City,” he added.

  “Well,” Chloe said hesitantly. She bit her lower lip and looked down at Noah. He was standing towards the edge of the otter pen, looking at the creatures bathing and sunning themselves on large rocks. “Noah….Noah didn’t do so well in the city. He was always crying, unhappy. I thought it was colic, but the doctors all said he was perfectly healthy.” She swallowed hard. She’d never talked to anyone except for medical professionals about Noah’s condition before, and she was suddenly afraid of scaring Clay off. “I took him to a couple of child psychologists, and they all told me that he’d do better in the fresh air and sunshine. I couldn’t handle the idea of leaving the state entirely, so we moved out here.”

  “How long ago was that?”

  Chloe frowned. “It’s been a few months,” she replied quietly. “It doesn’t feel that way, though.” She sighed and blushed. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be spilling my guts to you. I barely know you.”

  Clay raised his eyebrows again and Chloe giggled. “It’s my face,” he said confidently. “I get that a lot. Everyone wants to confide in me.”

  Chloe rolled her eyes. “I think you’re just a master of talking to ladies,” she teased. “You’re probably married, and you didn’t even tell me.”

  Clay shook his head, holding up his ringless left hand. “Nope,” he said with a grin. “Never married. Don’t even have a girlfriend right now.”

  “Oh, god,” Chloe said. She covered her mouth, pretending to be scandalized. “Now you must really think I’m fast.”

  Clay laughed. “No,” he said. “I don’t. I just think you’re lonely. And I get that – this can be a pretty lonely place, especially for someone who looks like you.”

  Chloe frowned. “What are you talking about?”

  “Don’t be offended,” Clay said. He shook his head. “I just meant, well, you don’t really look like what most mothers look like around here. You’re all….” He paused, waving his hand in the air for emphasis. “You’re all glamorous,” he finished.