Being Jolene

by Caitlin Kerry

  “Really, Brooke.” This came from Ty, who was now standing above me.

  “Whoops,” Brooke said without feeling sorry about it one bit.

  The banter continued above me, but I couldn’t take my eyes away from the little girl in front of me. She was so innocent in her gaze. Life hadn’t hurt her yet, hadn’t taken its toll. Her eyes were all Ty; the wonder inside them came from her dad. Her eyes were focused on mine and it was a strange feeling to see how easily she trusted me. It was written all over her face, she had no preconceived notions of who I was, only that I was her dad’s friend.

  Ty swung up Annabelle and started to walk to the house, Avery and Brooke in tow. I followed when even more people came out of the house. Ty, still holding Annabelle, started to point and name each sibling “This is my eldest brother and sister, Evan and Daisy. It’s their birthday we’re celebrating. This is Regina, Scott, Sean, and the youngest Roxy.” I gave a small wave to the group, knowing I would never remember all of their names. There were pats on the backs and welcomes thrown at me and all I could do was give smiles and nod. The smile and nod method was saving me right now. As we made our way into the house, and eventually the kitchen, a large burly man was sitting at the table, holding a coffee mug and watching the children run around.

  Ty sat down Annabelle, who ran off with one of her many cousins I assumed, and stood next to me. He took his hands and rested them on my shoulders, standing slightly behind me. “Dad, I want you to meet Jolene.” His dad took a few moments to glance between where his son was standing and where I was, the intimate stance between us. He finally lifted his coffee cup in greeting. “Welcome.”

  I blinked. Strong and silent was the vibe I was getting from his dad. “Thank you for having me.” I watched his dad get up from the chair slowly, gripping the back of the chair next to him. It took a lot of effort for him to get up and he took his time. The hard life of a farmer who raised a family was painted over his demeanor. This man had lived a long hard life, though I had no doubt his children were the main reason why he kept going.

  “I almost can’t believe my eyes. My Tyrell bringing home a girl? Amazing. I hope this isn’t the last time we see you.” His dad smiled at me and I knew I had gotten his approval.

  I giggled at Ty’s full name, remembering how he had fibbed about it when we first meet. Ty’s dad hugged his son and then patted me on the shoulder as he said, “Excuse me, I’m going to attempt to chase my grandchildren around this farm.”

  I was pleasantly surprised how easy that went over. I glanced back to Ty and saw his smile. I could do this, the whole family thing. Right? I was hoping that the rest of the weekend would be as smooth.

  ***

  After Ty and I were alone in the old kitchen after a dinner of so much food I was surprised we weren’t feeding a small country, I turned and found myself into his arms.

  “I see you’re still standing,” he said in my ear.

  “Annabelle’s beautiful.” A statement I was sure Ty had heard before. The girl was polite and always had a smile on her face, a giggle so bright it warmed your heart.

  “I know, she really is. The drawing you did of her was almost spot on.”

  Stepping back from Ty, I saw his family pictures behind him, all the kids lined up and with their arms around each other. Such a large family and a concept I didn’t understand in the slightest. Even being here for a short time, I could tell the difference from the times I visited my dad. We conversed and ate quiet dinners and went our separate ways or both sat in the study, one reading and one maybe working. Ty’s family, though, was loud chaos. Kids were running everywhere and there were multiple conversations going on between the adults. It was actually very overwhelming, taking time to get used too. One of his siblings were constantly asking me questions only for someone to interrupt, or for a side tangent story to come from another. Ty made sure I was tucked into his side at all times and I was thankful for that. It had to be difficult with a five year old who hadn’t seen his dad in a long time. While I was on one side, Annabelle occupied the other. Rightfully so and I wasn’t jealous, though a small part of me was worried I would be. That same part knew how awful that sounded, to be jealous of a man and his daughter.

  Now we were alone. Brooke and Avery were giving Annabelle a bath. That meant Ty and I were on story duty and tucking in the little blonde. I could hear the buzz of quiet, like I was missing the sound that overwhelmed me for hours.

  “Story time, huh?” I said as I took my gaze from the pictures and put it back on the man in front of me.

  “Yep. I’m sure she already has the book picked out. It’s her favorite time of the day. As much as Annabelle is full of energy, I’m always surprised she can sit and read as many books as does. I have no idea where she got it from.”

  “She has a thirst for knowledge, for discovering things. I think she gets that from you.”

  Ty cocked his head and ran his thumb over his soft lips. I wanted it to be me that was running my fingers over his lips, but then I remembered the little girl upstairs and squashed any dirty thoughts running through my mind. Not the time.

  “You think so?” Ty asked me, bringing me out of lust filled haze.

  “Yeah, I mean I don’t know Brooke very well, but it’s all you. You both get the same look in your eyes when you see something new.”

  “Or maybe . . . we get the same look in our eyes when we see you. Because Jo, you have to know, I see you. I see beyond whatever wall you’re trying to put up.” He lowered his hand and instead ran it through my hair, gripping the back of my neck as he pulled me in closer. There was no stopping me when I leaned in and kissed him. He slipped his tongue into my mouth and I opened up to him, gripping his waist.

  There was a cough behind us and I jumped away from Ty, feeling the heat in my face. It was like I was a teenager caught on a date.

  Avery leaned against the doorway with her arms folded over her chest, but there was a smile on her face. “Brooke wanted me to come and get you and let you know that Annabelle is ready for story time.”

  Ty and I headed upstairs. I was nervous. When we got into the room, Annabelle was holding a book and lying in the big guest bed. She held out the book and Ty went to grab it, but she snapped it back before he could grab it.

  “No, dad, I’ve already heard you read books to me. I want Jo to read to me.”

  I would say that my heart skipped a beat, but really it felt like it simply stopped and then picked up again once it got over the shock. I slowly reached out and took the book from her hands. I was expecting to be an observer in this part. To sit quietly next to Ty and Annabelle and watch them interact, see their relationship. I wasn’t planning on playing an active role in this scenario, at least not yet.

  But . . . here was this little girl, the same eyes she shared with her father, those eyes were my downfall, and now I was holding a children’s book, not really knowing what to do.

  My eyes were wide as I cautiously sat on the side of the bed and swung my legs up. Ty got on the other side and Annabelle was between us. I looked up to see Avery and Brooke had already left. The three of us were quiet as I held the book in my hands, not sure what to do.

  I could do this. It was the simplest task, to read a book out loud. If I could remember how to read, to form sentences. The cover of the book caught my eye and the rainbow colored lines made me truly forget how to read. I focused and found the book to be Oh The Places You’ll Go by Dr. Seuss.

  When I graduated from high school, my dad had given me this book as a gift, remembering that while family surrounded many of my other classmates, I only had my dad sitting the stands. I opened the first page of the book, but I was only able to stare at it. I was freezing up over reading a book to a five year old. It was pretty pathetic if I do say so myself.

  “Jo,” Ty whispered to me. My gaze went up to his as he looked at me over the head of blonde hair. He quietly and slowly said to me, “Don’t forget. One step in front of another.” I took a deep bre
ath.

  “Hey Jo,” said the small voice between us.

  “Yeah, sweetheart,” I said on an exhale.

  “You gotta turn the page. I already know what the book is called.”

  I did what she said and turned the page. And then, I read. It was slow and methodical with a bit of rhythm these types of books demanded, but I did it. I didn’t tear my eyes away from the words in front of me, but I could feel Annabelle snuggle into me and rest her head against my side. It was sweet torture to feel this warm tiny human squeezed against me. I read the last of the words and I felt every one of them, even if it was simply a child’s book. I didn’t know there were tears in my eyes until Annabelle lifted her head from me. She got up on her knees, wrapping her tiny arms around my neck and gave me a loud kiss on my cheek.

  “What was that for?” I asked her.

  “Kisses make you not sad anymore.” I touched my cheek and felt the wet fallen tears.

  It was that moment when I truly knew how much I had lost.

  I would never have this opportunity with someone that might have my eyes one day.

  I would never know the joy of holding my own child after carrying it in my body for nine months.

  I had lost that; it was taken from me before I could even decide if it was what I wanted.

  Gone. Destroyed. Vanished.

  I tipped over in my emotion. The bucket holding them was full, too full, and had been for a long time. There was no holding it back as the tears escaped. I got off the bed and rushed out of the room, leaving any dreams of parenthood behind.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

  Ty

  Jolene rushed out of the bedroom. Her hands were trying to cover the tears I knew she was crying. The urge inside me to follow after her was strong, but I had to put my daughter to bed. The push and pull became more apparent when both loves of my life were in the same room.

  “Did I fix her dad?” Annabelle asked me.

  I hoped that she did, but I think Jo had to break a little more before she started to be okay.

  I got up and tucked in Annabelle, kissing her on the forehead and wishing her dreams of happy thoughts.

  When I got into the hallway, I looked both ways but didn’t see Jo. Brooke walked out of the bathroom and only got the word, “Backyard,” out before I was flying down the stairs in search of Jolene.

  I found her, crumpled against the large tree in the backyard that held the tire swing I fallen out of when I ten, resulting in a broken arm. I remember the pain I felt breaking my arm, sharp and then a constant throb while I was rushed to the emergency clinic. Watching Jo heaving with sobs in the dark and the empty tire swing swaying gently in the wind, that pain was ten fold compared to breaking my arm. Seeing her like this was my past and present crashing together.

  I sunk next to her and wound my arms tightly around her body, covering her and wishing I could take all the hurt from her heart.

  “Let it out, let it all out,” I told her. I doubted she ever let her emotions get the best of her. She needed this, to purge out the devastation she felt with everything she had lost.

  I don’t know how long I held her, but the stars shined brightly as the moon was lost tonight. It was quiet except for the cries coming from Jolene, each one killing me with the hurt associated with it.

  Time disappeared as I held her, the summer heat turned into a windy chill and I pulled her closer to me, knowing that in cases like this, I could never be close enough.

  Her tears and sobs slowed down, but she shook in my arms. I kissed her everywhere, on the top of her head, her cheek, her shoulder, and each kiss I hoped had a small amount of healing power. As long as I was here, she wasn’t alone. I couldn’t understand her pain, even if I wanted too, but I would make damn sure she knew she didn’t have to do this by herself.

  It had to be the middle of the night before I realized that my arms were stiff from holding her so tightly and that she was no longer shaking, but rather steadily breathing. I kissed her on the top of her head, her hair cool from being outside, and saw she had fallen asleep.

  I picked her up, trying not to wake her, and took her to bed. The small guest bedroom on the first floor looked out to the backyard and I climbed into bed, with Jo still in my arms. I fell asleep with her dried tears on my shirt and her heartache sinking into me.

  ***

  I flopped the pancakes on the plate and handed it to Annabelle. It was still early and the rest of the house was all sleeping. Annabelle had always been an early riser. While it was true for most kids, I knew she got it from me. We both had this feeling that if we slept in, the day would fade away. I was overjoyed to have a little daddy and daughter time. Jo was sound asleep and I figured she would be for a while.

  Annabelle drenched the pancakes with syrup, I should have stopped her but the glee on her face, and yeah I didn’t want to take that away from her.

  “Did you like my friend Jolene?” I asked her as I took a bite of my own pancakes. She held the fork awkwardly in her hand as she took a bite larger than her hand and tried to talk afterwards. I laughed quietly to myself and then went over to cut up her pancakes into smaller pieces. I set the plate back. She looked up to me and said, “She’s pretty.”

  “She is very pretty.” I smiled because that was a given.

  “She reads stories really well.”

  My smile grew. “Yes. Also true.”

  “Is she going to be your friend for a really long time? I think daddy needs more friends.”

  I couldn’t help the laugh but I hid it behind a cough. Even my kid thought I need female companionship. “I hope she’s my friend for a really long time. Maybe one day she will be more than a friend.” I was admitting to my kid that I never wanted to let go of Jolene. How crazy was that? Would it backfire in my face, like I was jinxing it or something?

  “Like Momma Avery?” Annabelle was a sharp little girl. She knew Avery and Brooke, for all intents and purpose, were in a committed relationship. Annabelle knew nothing different but her two moms and one dad. She was used to the craziness that was this family, which made me feel a little better.

  “I hope so.” And that was the god honest truth.

  This seemed to please Annabelle with her big smile she gave me. Brooke came down the stairs, wrapping her hair up in a hair tie.

  “Good morning,” she said to me as she kissed the top of Annabelle’s head and went to grab coffee.

  “Mommy, guess what?” came from Annabelle.

  “What?” Brooke said as she filled her coffee cup.

  “I might have another mommy soon!”

  Oh hell.

  Brooke turned to me, lifting the cup to her lips but the smirk she had on her face was hard to hide.

  “Oh really?” she said as she tilted her head.

  “Yeah! Like Momma Avery!”

  Brooke only raised an eyebrow at me. “Is Jo still sleeping?”

  “Yeah,” I answered.

  Brooke sat down her cup. She took a few pancakes, put them on a plate and poured syrup on them, handing the plate to me.

  “Go take your girl breakfast in bed. She’ll probably need it after last night.” I took the plate but Brooke held a finger, telling me to wait. She filled another cup of coffee and handed it to me.

  I took the food and coffee and walked down the hall to the slightly open old white door that led into the guest room. The bed looked liked a tornado hit it. The covers I had been using, because yes I quickly realized spending the night with Jo meant having separate blankets, were pushed at the bottom of the bed. The one she had been using was wrapped around her legs and it didn’t look comfortable at all. I woke up in the middle of the night and took off her jeans, but left her in the shirt she was wearing yesterday. Her dark and long hair was everywhere; I was surprised she was breathing through the massive amount of hair covering her face.

  I placed the food on the nightstand and sat on the side the bed. It dipped with my weight and it was enough to stir Jolene.

  �
�Hey sweetheart,” I said quietly as I ran my hands over my arms.

  “Mmm,” she murmured as she turned the other way. I took the coffee and walked around, leaning down and putting in front of her face.

  “I brought coffee.” One of her eyes opened, then the other. She blinked at me, taking her hand and rubbing them over her eyes.

  “Thanks.” It was only a whisper but it was better than her tears from the night before.

  Jolene pushed herself into a sitting position and took the coffee from my hands. As she took a small sip, her eyes wandered over to mine. “You know, before I met you, I really hated when guys called me pet names,” she yawned as she finished her statement, taking another drink of coffee.

  “Oh yeah?” I grabbed the plate of food and handed it to her.

  “Yeah. I dated countless guys. It made me feel like they weren’t even paying attention. I’m sure a few times was because they couldn’t remember my name. It was annoying but in the end the only person to blame was myself.” She shrugged like it was no big deal, but it was. She shouldn’t blame herself that men could be assholes. “But for some reason, I like when you call me sweetheart,” Jo told me.

  I watched her eat. “Why’s that?” When it came to Jo opening up to me, I knew I had to make her say why she did the things she did. I doubted she ever talked to anyone about it. If she said it out loud, she was able to see it. When it lived in her mind, it got pushed down by the negative thoughts she had, the ones she thought she needed to keep safe. Jo had to see her self-worth and I could love her till the day I died, but it had to come from her. I knew she had it in her; she was a strong woman, one that didn’t need to be suffocated with reassurance. She already had that confidence inside her; I just had to coax it out of her.

  “You don’t do it all the time. It’s special when you do. And when you’re coming you scream my name. That helps.” She gave me a crooked smile, a gleam in her eyes.