“I promise I’ll be finished by lunchtime, and we can hang out all afternoon and night. Remember we are having dinner with Tanzi and Jack.”
The one thing I hated more than anything was the feeling of being vulnerable but when it came to Sav and Jellybean I would do anything. I needed to be vulnerable. I needed to smash down the walls that held out my fears, and my biggest fear was the unknown. The unknown of why I was a twenty-five-year-old man who still had daddy issues and still felt like he didn’t deserve any happiness. I hated that my insecurities ruled my life and that I always had the feeling that everyone would end up leaving me. I was in a loving relationship but still I was waiting for it to crumble around me, expecting it to implode when Sav finally decided to leave me. What kind of screwed up brain did I have? It was clear to anyone that I was happy but still I had the nagging voice in the back of my head, taunting and screaming that I didn’t deserve any of it, encouraging me to fuck it up before I was the one to get hurt.
Groaning loudly, I mentally gave myself an uppercut and pulled myself out of bed. Savannah had been gone for only an hour and I was already bored out of my brain. I connected the laptop and sat at the desk by the floor-to-ceiling windows overlooking Manhattan.
I checked my emails, called Ali in LA, and mindlessly searched the internet for an hour. It was when I found myself looking at a celebrity baby name generator website that I knew it was time for a distraction. I was not allowing my kid to have one of those crazy mind-fuck names. Closing down the laptop, I decided to call Tanzi in search of a different distraction until Sav finished work. I walked through the hotel room in search of my phone and tapped out a text.
Me: What are you up to?
Tanzi: I am giving Jack the best fuck of his life.
Me: Dickhead! Give Tanzi her phone.
Tanzi: Hey twinnie, we just had breakfast and now I’m bored.
Me: Wanna hang out with me? I need to tell you something.
Tanzi: Holy shit, did you propose?
Me: No, Tanzi, I didn’t propose.
Tanzi: Yet. You haven’t proposed yet. I’ll be there in ten.
Throwing my phone on the couch, I stood to stretch, every bone of my body cracking. I rushed to the bedroom, slid on my jeans, and threw on a tee.
Now would be the perfect time to tell Tanzi my thoughts. It was just her and me. I paced through the hotel room in tormented anxiety at the conversation I was about to have. Just hearing Tanzi assume I had proposed made me feel fan-fucking-tastic. I couldn’t wait until Sav was known as Savannah Connors, but I knew now wasn’t the time. I had to confront the past before I could focus on the future. I had to grow a set of balls and tell Tanzi my crazy thoughts and then drop yet another bombshell on Sav. Tomorrow was a date that Savannah feared most in her life so I knew the bombshell would have to wait. I wasn’t sure if she realized that I knew what tomorrow was. Sav had been trying so hard to be strong, but I’d heard the late-night sniffles and felt her clutch my body as her memories swarmed her.
A loud knock on the front door brought me back to what I knew I had to do. Tanzi’s opinion counted towards every decision I’d made in my life. I had broken up with girls because of her. I had moved to Los Angeles because of her. I had even bought Red Velvet because of her. I loved that Sav always said I had the Tate Connors Effect, but when it came to my twin, it was always about the Tanzi Connors Effect.
I swung open the door to a beaming Tanzi. “What’s cracking, baby brother?” Tanzi said as she pulled me in for a hug. I pushed her away gently only to be greeted by a smirk the size of Mount Everest taking over her face.
Tanzi was two minutes older than me and that provided the ammunition she needed to constantly taunt me of being her baby brother. Even now at the age of twenty five, she still introduced me as Tate, my baby brother.
“You’re an idiot.” I laughed, motioning for her to come in. “You might have the age on me, but I have the good looks and charm.”
“You are so conceited,” she said with a roll of her eyes.
“And you aren’t denying my good looks.”
Tanzi followed me through the vast space of Sav’s hotel room and whistled her approval. Her head swung around like a twister, looking in every direction, trying to take in the space around her.
“Shit, if this is what I get from taking on business trips, sign me up.”
Shaking my head at my sister’s blatant disrespect of her job, I collapsed onto the couch. Tanzi walked through every inch of the hotel room, running her fingers along every surface and standing by the windows to take in the view. The longer she took, the more nervous I became. I rubbed my temples and closed my eyes as I felt a tension headache rolling in. As soon as my eyes closed, they flung open at the feeling of the couch moving beside me. Tanzi looked at me with suspicious yet concerned eyes.
“Tate, what’s wrong?” She scooted over and put her hand on my arm. Damn twin-tuition—one wrong move and Tanzi was on to me like a bloodhound.
Breathing in deeply, I frantically tried to squash the nerves soaring through me. “I am going to try and make contact with Dad.”
Silence.
You could have heard a pin drop. Her eyes had transformed in color the moment the words escaped my mouth, and now they were dark like midnight blue. Fuck. She was pissed.
“What the fuck? Why now?” Tanzi shot up from the couch like she had a firecracker up her ass and stormed through the apartment like a woman on a mission.
I dropped my head into my hands and groaned in frustration. Fighting with Tanzi was the worst, and by the look on her face, she was ready to fight. I raised my head slowly and peered at my twin, who was staring out of the window, watching the city below. We had never spoken about Dad, but now, all of a sudden, he was inching his way back into our lives whether we liked it or not.
Walking towards Tanzi, I stood behind her and grabbed her hand, swinging her around to face me. Holding both of her hands within mine, she finally looked up at me and her eyes crushed me. They were brimming with unshed tears.
“Tanzi, I have to do this. If I want to be any kind of man, I need to deal with this shit. It almost made me lose Savannah once and I can’t risk that again. I need to be happy, Tanzi, and with this hanging over me, I will never be happy.”
The single tear that ran over Tanzi’s cheek nearly killed me. “You are going to get hurt, Tate. You know I can’t handle it when you get hurt. I don’t have a good feeling about this. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Why do you have to be so fucking stubborn?”
The scene was set, the opponents had arrived, and a world-famous Tate and Tanzi Connors standoff was about to unfold. One quality we shared was our fierce stubbornness. We were determined, and neither of us ever wanted to lose. I had scars on my body from our battles in the past. God, I had no idea how Mom had put up with us. Everything was a competition with us. I knew I needed to do this, and Tanzi didn’t want me to.
“Tanzi, I can’t do this without you.” I knew I was asking too much of her but it was true; I couldn’t face anything without her. She was like the ultimate sidekick, the ultimate wing woman. She was the left to my right, the night to my day. Without Tanzi, I was nothing, and I knew I couldn’t face the past without her.
“What’s going to happen when it blows up in your face and you are shattered into a thousand pieces? He isn’t a nice man, Tate. You have nothing to prove. You are not him.”
“Tanzi, I have to see it for myself.”
“I can’t deal with this shit. I will talk to you later. Do what you want, Tate. You are going to do whatever the hell you want anyway. Look at Sav. You knew I always had issues with you going near my friends and you go and knock her up. Tate does what Tate wants so why change now.”
She spun on her heel to leave but stopped dead in her tracks. Her gasp floated through the air.
Sav had slipped into the room without either of us hearing, and by the look shadowing her face, she had heard Tanzi’s words. Placing a bag of groceries on the kitchen counter, Sav looked back at Tanzi with a look of hurt, confusion, and shock plastered all over her face. My heart raced at the words Tanzi had spat at me. I had no idea where they had come from. I’d thought she was happy about Sav and me. I’d thought she was the one who’d supported us the most.
“Tanzi, what do you mean by that?” Sav choked, her eyes darting between me and Tanzi while her bottom lip quivered ever so slightly. “I asked you if you had any issues with me and Tate. I would never have done anything with him if you weren’t happy about it.”
“I don’t have a problem with you, Sav. I have a problem with the whole issue.”
“Do not call our baby an issue, Tanzi. Think about what you are saying before you fire out shit like that.”
She narrowed her eyes at me. “Jellybean isn’t the issue., This whole fucked up thing is.”
“I am going to leave you two alone.” Sav’s words echoed through the room. I pulled my eyes from Tanzi and found Sav looking at the point of tears.
“I am leaving, Sav.”
“To hell you are, Tanzi. You need to sort whatever this is out. You two are my rocks and I can’t handle my two rocks colliding. I’ll go and hang out with Jack or go for a walk in the park. Please sort this is out. I want to have dinner tonight—the four of us.” Sav smiled weakly at both of us, and I could tell by the look on her face that her mind was racing. I rushed towards her and her eyes dropped to the floor. I hated when she lost her sassiness, and now, as I searched her face, it was running for the hills.
Pulling her towards me, I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist, trying so hard to provide her with comfort. “This is okay. I love you and I will see you when you get back,” I whispered into her hair. Sav nodded against me, and I leaned in to place a light kiss on her lips. Her eyes flickered between Tanzi and me briefly, and the feeling of regret flushed through me.
When the door closed behind Sav, I swung around towards Tanzi and glared at her. “What the fuck was that?”
“I love Sav, I love that you two are together, and I couldn’t think of a better person for you. Don’t even get me started on Jellybean. I love that kid and it’s not even here yet. The issue I have is that you have this perfect life in front of you. You have the perfect girl and a baby on the way but you are choosing to risk it by making contact with the one person who doesn’t give a shit about us. He is the one person who could destroy all of this. That is my issue, Tate.”
I grabbed Tanzi’s hands. This was affecting her more than she was letting on. My arms squeezed her in a cocoon to offer protection. I hated that this was going to hurt her. She buried her face into my chest and let out a deep sigh, and I felt the wetness of her tears seep through my shirt. She was crying and I was the cause.
“I need to do this. He is hurting me now and I haven’t even seen him. I am constantly in a state of panic, walking on eggshells, thinking that something is going to happen and I will mess this up with Sav. I don’t believe I deserve someone like her and it’s because of him. I need to know why he left; I need to know it wasn’t because of me, because of us. If I am going to be able to provide the life I want for Sav and Jellybean, then I need to do this.”
“But what happens when it blows up in your face? When he fucks this up again? When you lose Sav and Jellybean? Who will be there to pick up the pieces, Tate? Me! That’s who will be there. I can’t support this. ”
Quickly spinning around, Tanzi stormed through the room and out the door, slamming it with such force that it rattled the pictures on the wall. I stood, mouth agape, looking at the door. I had never seen Tanzi like this. My fists clenched and anger swamped me. Fuck it! I was doing it. With or without her support.
The door of the hotel room slowly opened and Sav’s head nervously looked around scoping the room. Sitting on the couch, I tried to get my whirlwind of unpredictable emotions in check. I offered Sav a weak smile because it was all I could muster. I watched her closely as she walked through the door without a word and placed her handbag on the edge of the couch, her eyes darting between me and every other corner of the room.
Swallowing hard, I spoke up. “Tanzi didn’t mean anything by what she said.”
“I know, Tate.”
Sav’s eyes dropped from mine, and I watched her closely. Walking through the room, she aimlessly started to fuss, cleaning the already clean kitchen, straightening up the bed that was already made, and scrolling through her phone. Clearly she was avoiding a confrontation. Looking at her with a heavy heart, I let a heavy sigh bounce through the air. Would our relationship ever be easy?
“Stop overanalyzing things,” she said from across the room.
“Stop reading my mind,” I shot back, a smile heard in my words.
“We are going out for dinner with Jack and Tanzi.”
“Sav, I don’t think that will be the best thing to do.”
“I have no idea what you two were fighting about but Jack, I, and this little person—” she rubbed her stomach—“want Mexican, and the three of us are having Mexican. If you don’t come, I am going with Jack. The decision is yours.”
“You are such a ball-breaker.”
“And that’s why you love me.”
Ariba Mexican Bar was located in lower Manhattan. It was one of those restaurants that everyone knew because it was that damn good. The music pulsated onto the sidewalk, and the chatter of the other patrons could be heard from around the corner. I grasped Sav’s hand tightly as we walked the block to the restaurant. The trip was quiet, neither of us saying anything, and to be honest, I didn’t know what I could say. Sav needed to know my plans, but the reaction of Tanzi and knowing that Sav was almost at her breaking point had me pissing my pants in fear. She rubbed her thumb over my hand and looked up at me with a smile.
“I am craving some serious nachos.”
“You are having cravings already?” I questioned with a smile.
“I always crave nachos.” She gave me a wink and pulled me through the door of Ariba. My eyes darted through the restaurant and landed on a table towards the back where Tanzi and Jack were sitting in quiet conversation. Jack’s arm was rested over Tanzi’s shoulder, and she looked at him with a frown etched on her face. Pulling my hand, Sav pulled led me through the jam-packed restaurant towards the table.
Jack stood when we got to the table and held his hand out. “Hey, man,” he said with a peaceful smile. I shook his hand and looked down at Tanzi. Her eyes flashed at mine quickly before turning her attention to Sav.
Pulling out Savs chair before I took a seat, I sat and began fidgeting with the menu my eyes roaming over the words but not taking anything in. The tension in the air was palpable. I didn’t want to be here, I could think of a thousand different things that I would prefer to be doing but Sav wanted to be here and I needed to be a man and suck it up.
“Can I talk to you for a minute, Sav?” Tanzi asked, grabbing Sav’s hand across the table. Sav nodded and pulled out her chair to stand.
I looked between both girls and panicked. Sav couldn’t find out like this. “Tanzi, just leave it.”
Standing from her seat, Tanzi threw her napkin on the table and glared at me. “Tate, this isn’t about you.”
Sav shot me a look before pushing back her chair and following Tanzi towards the bar.
I ran my hands over my face, groaning in frustration. “Fuck,” I hissed between my teeth. My eyes followed the direction Tanzi and Sav had gone and found them sitting at the bar in in deep conversation.
“Can I give you my opinion?”
I turned towards Jack. “Yeah, why not,” I scoffed. “Everyone else is so why don’t you?”
“Don’t be a prick,” Jack spat, his eyes n
arrowing at me. He lifted his scotch to his mouth and took a drink before focusing back on me. “For a matter of fact, I think you are doing the right thing. Fuck, I’d do anything to ensure my relationship with T was perfect, and if you need to contact your father to make that happen for you and Sav, then that’s what you gotta do. T is just scared. You are her world, Tate. She doesn’t want you to get hurt. That’s why she is reacting like this.”
“I don’t want this to hurt Tanzi but I need to have a future with Sav and this is the only way I can see a future with her. Sav owns me, Jack. She owns every piece of me.”
“I know, man. Just let Tanzi cool down.”
Jack’s eyes lifted from mine and looked over my shoulder. I shifted in my seat. Tanzi and Sav walked through the restaurant, laughing and holding on to each other’s hand. I was assuming by Sav’s laughter that Tanzi had decided against informing her of my thoughts. Sav pulled out the seat beside me and kissed my cheek softly. Instantly I relaxed.
The conversation flowed freely between Sav and Jack, their laughter colliding with the chill between Tanzi and me. It was suffocating. My eyes never left Tanzi’s, and she was pissed. We all ordered our dinner but still Tanzi and I didn’t say a word to each other. Jack and Sav talked about stories of when they were babies, and Jack was set in his ways that he was going to be taking Jellybean to look for either chicks or dicks when they were older. Seriously, it concerned me that my child was going to have him as an uncle. I couldn’t even enjoy the conversation with Sav and Jack, not with my twin shooting daggers of hatred at me from across the table.
I leaned in towards Sav, my mouth resting close to her ear. “Can we just get out of here?”
Pulling away from me, she twisted in her chair, allowing her eyes to scan my blank face for reasoning. Pursing my lips, I looked at her, begging her to grab my hand and pull me out of the atrocity that was Tanzi and me. Suddenly her gaze was pulled from mine, and she looked over my shoulder towards Tanzi, who I knew was watching us closely. I swallowed hard and lifted my eyes, focusing on my twin. Her face was covered in shadows of anger.
Breathless (The Breathe Series) Page 10