“Don’t stay on our account. You’ll do whatever you want anyway.” Tanzi’s voice flittered over the table and stabbed me in the heart. Fuck this shit. As I stood from my seat, the metal legs screeched as they scraped along the tiled floor below me, causing a scene I didn’t want to make. I leaned over the table, glaring at my sister but the words I wanted to say wouldn’t surface.
“I’m outta here,” I seethed through gritted teeth.
Turning, I stormed towards the exit and I didn’t look back once. My breath hitched at the sound of Sav’s pleads behind me, begging me to stay. I couldn’t allow her to see me like this. My anger for this whole fucked up situation was rocketing, my fear of what I would do or say increasing like the never before. Once again, Tate Connors was fucking things up. Story of my life. Dropping my head, I barged through the glass doors of Aribas and stepped onto the sidewalk. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was going to do—I just knew that I couldn’t be here.
Darkness and silence hit me as I sneaked through the door of the hotel room. The only light cascading through the room was from the city- outside peeking in through the windows. My eyes focused on the green numbers illuminated on the microwave sitting on the kitchen counter. It was two in the morning. I had walked the streets of New York in a daze for the past four hours. I was at my worst, I was swarming with anger, and I was scared, aggressive, and temperamental. My emotions were running wild and Tanzi had been right—our father was already fucking things up for me.
I placed my wallet, phone, and room key quietly on the bench and placed my shaky hands on the marbled top, my head dropping in defeat. The sound of a deep sigh echoing from deep within my chest filled the silence around me. My eyes closed under the emotions of the day as I tried to contain the rumble of thoughts terrifying my mind. I was fighting with my twin, I had walked away from my girlfriend, and suddenly I felt the lowest I had for a very long time.
Bright light suddenly illuminated the living room. My head swung around and my gaze landed on the concerned eyes of Sav. I felt myself breaking under her watchful stare. I needed to remove my eyes from hers, but they were holding on tightly, gripping me to the point of dissolving into a puddle of emotions on the floor below me. As she walked towards me wearing one of my shirts with her hair piled messily on top of her head, her eyes didn’t falter from mine and mine stayed glued to hers. She was breaking me down. She stood before me, barely an inch of distance between us. The hairs on my arms stood at the intensity of the air around us. When her arms suddenly wrapped around my waist and pulled me in, I stiffened. I didn’t deserve this. I didn’t deserve her concern.
“Sav, you don…” I choked, fighting back the emotions that threatened to spill from me.
Her grip tightened and she clutched at my shirt. “Don’t say anything. Just let me hold you, Tate.”
“Sav, please just le—”
“No, Tate, it’s my turn to be here for you. I want to hold you. Please.”
“I can’t do this anymore, Sav. It’s killing me.” My face dropped to the nape of her neck and I breathed in deeply, hoping her familiar scent would bring a sense of calm to my turbulent self. The beating of her heart increased against my chest and I held on to her like my life counted on it. I was scared. Scared that everything was going to implode, scared that I couldn’t take the first step I needed to move on from my past. But mostly I was scared that I could never be the man Sav needed and the father Jellybean deserved.
We stood in silence in the middle of the living room. My eyes remained locked around her, and she didn’t move an inch. Sav pulled away slowly, looking at me with hopeful eyes that sparkled with love. Rising on her tiptoes, she brushed her lips with mine in a peaceful kiss, and I melted against her. The sound of the door opening with a squeak startled me and my body flung around at the intrusion.
Tanzi.
“You two are talking, and whatever is going on needs to be sorted out. I’m going to bed, but please wake me when you come in. No matter what is going on, I love you. Don’t forget that.” With a light kiss, she pulled away and her eyes pleaded with me to resolve this. Sav walked towards Tanzi and whispered something, causing Tanzi to nod as she looked at me. Without another word, Sav slipped into the bedroom and closed the door behind her.
I sighed deeply. It was late, I was exhausted, and I didn’t have the strength to go head to head with Tanzi.
Tanzi stood nervously in the living room, watching me closely. “Why didn’t you want to find him when you were with Candice?” she asked quietly.
Just hearing her name shot a pain through my heart. Candice. Rubbing the back of my neck with my now shaking hands, I tried to keep my emotions in check. It still felt so raw even after all these years.
“This is different,” I breathed, dropping my eyes from Tanzi’s.
“How is it different Tate, tell me. I need to understand?”
I looked at Tanzi, and we stood in silence. My next words would make everything real. It had the potential to cause the emotions and feelings I had suffered with for the past four years to almost dissipate. “I have never felt this way about anyone before. There will be no one else for me, Tanzi. I…” I took a deep breath and felt my lungs compress. “I have never loved like this.”
The moment I said the words, my emotions bubbled over. I felt my eyes glaze over and I began to shake. After all these years of craving to go back in time to Candice, to relive the life we were going to have, I was now finally moving on and admitting that my heart had been healed by a beautiful Australian by the name of Savannah. My words to Tanzi were utter truth. Everything I was doing was for Sav and Jellybean.
I averted my eyes from Tanzi’s and rushed towards the window. I needed a distraction before I completely lost all control. Standing by the window, I pressed my hands against the glass and my head dipped low. Every emotion was running through my body.
“Tate, look at me.”
“I can’t.”
She grabbed my shoulder and spun me around. “Tate.”
I lifted my face, and the moment I looked into the same eyes as mine, I lost it. Every emotion I had held in for the past four years bubbled over. Tears ran down my cheeks, and I couldn’t ignore the sound of the deep sob leaving my chest. Tanzi’s arms encased me, pulling me towards her. I buried my face in her hair and cried. I was crying for Candice and the last four years. I was crying for Savannah, Jellybean, and for my future. I was crying for the loss of my childhood at the hands of my father and the sacrifices my mom made. Mostly I was crying for the man I had become, for the man I should be, and for the life I so desperately wanted but felt I didn’t deserve.
“If this is what you need to do then I’ll support you. I might not fully understand but you are my life, Tate. I can’t see him though. Please don’t make me see him.” Tanzi’s voice cracked under her words, and as I wrapped my arms tightly around her and held her close to me, I knew we were both consumed with fears of the unknown of what our father could bring.
My thoughts pounded deep inside me as I stumbled through the room. My body was riddled with exhaustion and completely drained of tears. I never cried. Ever. Tanzi had left a few minutes earlier, and now, as I looked around the darkness of the room and my eyes traveled to the door between Sav and me, I cringed at the conversation I still desperately needed to have with her. It was close to three in the morning, and all I needed was Sav. I needed to hold her and feel her warmth against me. I needed the comfort only she could provide. Switching off the lights, I stumbled towards the bedroom and silently opened the door. Sav had left the bedside light on, and my eyes found her sleeping on her side, cuddled into my pillow, a small frown etched on her face. I stripped out of my clothes and climbed in beside her as quietly as I could but still she stirred.
“Tate?”
I swallowed hard. “Yep, it’s me. Go back to sleep.”
“Just tell me that you are okay and I promise I won’t ask anything until you want to talk about it.”
I ran my knuckles over her cheek before lifting her chin with my thumb, making her look at me. “I am okay as long as I have you by my side.”
“I know you aren’t okay but I’ll take that answer for now.”
I laughed lightly, pulling her to my body, and her arms wound their way around my waist before she rested her chin on my chest, looking up at me. It was so cliché but it was like a Hollywood movie moment.
“Have I told you lately how beautiful you look? I love when I get to see your little tummy, and I love knowing that our baby is safely tucked up in there.”
Her eyes closed at my words and she snuggled in close to my body. We lay in silence. The only sound in the room was our breathing and the faint murmur of the traffic below. The lights of the city filtered through the window, letting me see shadows on Sav’s face. My mind was racing but I was feeling a sense of calm just from having my girl in my arms.
Her voice startled me. “You are going to be an awesome dad. Maybe a bit psycho protective but still awesome.” Laughing, she ran her hand down my arm and looked up at me with those eyes. I pulled her cami up over her small stomach, placing my hand flat against her skin.
“I can’t wait until I feel Jellybean kick.”
“It’s going to feel so weird. Sometimes I feel these little flutters but I don’t think it’s anything. I will probably cry when it first happens,” she confessed, love saturating her words. She rolled onto her back, allowing me better access to her stomach. I waved my hand over her skin, running from hip to hip and finally resting on her lower stomach. She placed a hand on top of mine, our fingers entwined entwining with each other’s immediately.
“We are going to be parents. Seriously, that shit is crazy.” I laughed softly and shook my head. Finally I found her eyes smiling at me.
“The coolest parents ever! Super protective but cool. Imagine if we have a little girl and the first time she goes on a date?” She teased. Shit! I hadn’t thought of that.
“She won’t be dating until she is twenty-five,” I replied instantly.
She giggled. “And if we have a little boy, you can teach him about football and take him surfing.”
“He would be the coolest little dude.” I smiled and rolled over, resting my head on her chest. Her heartbeat echoed below me. Me with a son? That was just crazy talk. I still couldn’t believe we were at this point. “Did you ever think we would be here?”
“What, in New York?”
“Haha you’re funny aren’t you?” I pushed her playfully and rolled my eyes. “Us two together, like this. What did you think when you first saw me?”
Her face softened as if she were in a faraway place. “Truthfully, I first thought you were incredibly fuckable and that you were using the moves I used. Remember you were with that girl? I won’t forget that day though. I was a wreck. I was in a new city away from everything in my past with only one person who knew the real me, but then I saw you and you were just...wow. Oh and that trip in the lift… It took everything in my power not to pin you up against the wall and have my way with you.” She raised her hand and ran her fingers through my hair as I remained lying on her chest. “And then I found out you were my new friend’s brother and instantly you were off-limits.”
“Well I am glad you are a badass and broke the rules.” I lifted my head from her chest and winked at her. “I knew you were bad news the moment I saw you bent over the desk with your pert little ass on display.”
“I’ll keep my ass to myself from now on.”
“Like fuck you will.”
I dropped my head back to her chest and listened to her steady heartbeat. Guilt soared through me. I had to tell her. I had promised myself I would never keep anything from her, and I knew the events of the night were playing on her mind. I sighed, knowing I was only minutes away from falling asleep. My body was at the point of relaxation, and the feeling of her fingers running through my hair and the kisses that she was splashing on my forehead added to my slumber.
“I’ve got to tell you something and I don’t want you to freak out,” I whispered. Maybe she wouldn’t hear me.
Her fingertips halted in my hair, and the sound of her taking a deep breath made the hairs on my arms stand to attention. “You cannot start a conversation with ‘I don’t want you to freak out’ and not expect me to freak out.”
Rolling to my side, I propped my head up with my hand. My emotions bubbled deep inside me as I looked down at her. It was now or never. My breath caught in my throat before I spoke the words I was so frightened to say. “I am going to try and contact my father.”
Savannah’s eyes widen slightly at the sound of my words and her brow furrowed before she regained her composure and nodded slowly. “Okay.”
Shocked, I looked at her. My heart felt like it had sunk within my chest. “Is that all you have to say?”
“I am not going to tell you not to contact your father.”
“I want you to say more than ‘okay’ though.”
“This is massive, Tate. I’ve seen how your father affects you, and I’d be lying if I said it didn’t worry me. I promised you I would always support you, but you need to be doing it for the right reasons.”
I looked at Sav lying beside me. She was the reason, our baby was the reason, but I knew if I told her she wouldn’t support it. I nodded and closed my eyes briefly.
“Tanzi’s pissed at me and Mom thinks I am crazy.” Rolling over, I moved my head back to her chest. I needed her close. The uneasy feeling was swarming me again. Why the fuck had I brought this up tonight? I knew what tomorrow was, and Sav did not need to deal with this.
“Why is Tanzi pissed? Is that what you two have been fighting about?” she asked, looking down at me with her killer green eyes, so full of warmth and concern.
“Yep. I told her earlier today and she completely blew up at me. She thinks that I am leading myself to heartache all over again, that he is worthless and not worth a second of my thoughts. But I need to do this. I need answers. If I am going to move on from all of the shit he put us through, I need to know. I might not like what I hear and I might not understand it but I need to do it.”
“I just want you to be happy, Tate, and if that means supporting you to go to the darkest part of your life, then I will. I have told you a billion times before, I’m not going anywhere.”
“Will you come with me?” I asked in a voice that held no confidence. The look that flashed through her eyes as she stared down at me answered my question.
“I wouldn’t be anywhere else.”
“I just can’t live my life like this, Sav. It’s not fair to you. I can’t handle the thought of hurting you because of something someone else did. You don’t deserve that. I am always wondering if I really deserve you at all.” I felt the lump moving up my throat. “I feel like it’s all going to be ripped away from me. That’s how I spend my life—waiting. Waiting for the moment people in my life to decide I’m not worth it and leave. If my father could leave, what’s making anyone stick around?” My arms tightened around Sav’s waist, and I scooted down her body to rest my head on her stomach. I needed the comfort my unborn baby could provide. Sav didn’t say a word. Her fingers soothingly ran through my thick hair and her thumb swiped my cheeks, capturing a single tear that had spilled. I had never cried this much in my life.
“Can I tell you why you deserve me?” she asked, continuing before I had a chance to speak. �
��You deserve me because you are the best man I know and you love me like no one has ever loved me before. You deserve me because I feel protected with you and because I am a better person because of you. But the biggest reason you deserve me is because you are the only man I will ever love. Tate Connors, you are everything to me, and I won’t let anyone make you feel otherwise. You allow me to look beyond everything in my past and finally be able to smile at the smallest things. You let me know that I deserve to be loved. I can’t live without you.”
I stretched my body, raising my arms above my head, and heard the distinct sound of my bones being pulled to their capacity. Sav and I had finally passed out around four am. I’d had no words after her admission and I had never felt so invincible. My name is Tate Andrew Connors and I am officially whipped.
A splash of blond hair fell over my bare chest, and the feeling of Sav’s light breathing on my skin caused goose bumps to stand at attention. As usual, Savannah was curled up on the side where my Connors tattoo was. No matter where we were, whether it was in my bed, her bed, or in this case a bed in New York, she was still there. My thoughts drifted to our conversation about the future, and my face was overtaken by the thought of Savannah becoming Savannah Connors one day.
Rolling my neck slowly, I glanced at the clock. It had just clicked over to six am. I swallowed hard. Today was the day. Sav and I hadn’t discussed it, but I knew. It was the date of the worst day of Savannah’s life—the date she had lost her parents. My protectiveness of her heart was at full capacity, and all I wanted to do was wrap her in cotton wool and protect her from the trauma of the world.
My arms scooped her up and pulled her flush against my naked body. Her legs tangled with mine and she murmured softly before snuggling back into the confines of my chest. I looked down at her as worry saturated me. She was blissfully sleeping, a smile on her face, but I knew that would be destroyed as soon as she woke up. Fuck. Sav and I were a whirlwind of emotions. I am sure some would call us a train wreck. Jesus Christ, I should be exhausted, but in reality, it had been the perfect trip.
Breathless (The Breathe Series) Page 11