Until Love Do Us Part

by Anna Premoli

  “What, is your secretary a fortune teller? I didn’t know…” said Ryan, laughing.

  “No, she’s not, but apparently it was all pretty obvious. To quote her, ‘Convicts, homeless people, the elderly, children and animals – it’s totally predictable’. Or at least it was to her…”

  “I only hope you’re not scared of dogs,” he teased.

  Amalia looked at him thoughtfully. “I’m not actually scared of dogs… I mean, not really. I’m more worried about the fact that I used to be allergic to them when I was a kid.”

  Ryan stopped immediately. “And now you’re not allergic any more, right?”

  “Well, I guess not. But I’m never really in contact with many animals…”

  She didn’t have a dog, her parents didn’t either and the people she usually hung out with had life styles that barely allowed them to be in contact with other human beings, never mind dogs. Dogs were just not an option. So, no, she’d never had the chance to discover whether her allergy was still there or not. Of course, children who suffered from allergies usually got over them when they grew up – usually, but not always, and it wouldn’t have surprised her to find out that she was one of the unlucky ones who hadn’t.

  Ryan scratched his chin thoughtfully, probably guessing at some of her worries.

  “Well, in that case, all we can do is hope for the best!”

  *

  They arrived at Fifty-Ninth Street quite quickly, then headed for the corner with Second Avenue, where, at number 1904 they found the association which took care of finding homes for abandoned pets and nursing those whose owners couldn’t afford veterinary fees. The place was lovely and already full of volunteers and people with their beloved pets.

  A young vet named Tom greeted them and took them for a quick tour of the place, before giving them their duties for the morning – which, they soon discovered, were, at Judge Wyatt’s suggestion, cleaning out the kennels and taking the dogs out for their walks. The judge had assured Tom that the two volunteers would not only do everything he asked them to with no hesitation but that they would actually be glad to do it! Amalia wasn’t sure if this Tom guy was naive enough to have fallen for the judge’s story or whether he too was part of the whole mean conspiracy against her. She really hoped it was the second option, because she always felt uncomfortable around people who were that simple minded. She didn’t even sigh when she realized that ‘cleaning the kennels’ meant using a big brush to remove all the poop that had accumulated in them since the previous day.

  But when she found herself surrounded by a group of dogs barking happily, she came out in a cold sweat.

  “Now be good, little doggies… be good, please,” she begged them while she backed off until she crashed into Ryan, who was watching the scene with amusement.

  “I see that you’re even worse with dogs than you are with children,” he said, breaking into a laugh.

  She was now offended.

  “I had a weird childhood, Ryan. I don’t know anything about children or dogs, but I did develop a formidable ability to debate.”

  “I had already noticed that…” he said, while chuckling. “Look, I’ll clean the kennels. You can take the dogs for their walk,” he suggested, thinking he was being chivalrous.

  But Amalia’s face turned pale. “No, please!”

  He stared at her dubiously. “Ok, then. Tell you what, I’ll clean the kennels and then take the dogs for a walk.”

  But his reaction put her on the defensive.

  “Hey, I’m not a completely desperate case! For your information, I’m perfectly capable of cleaning those kennels,” she snapped. She hated the feeling that Ryan thought she was such a snob that he was offering to do everything himself. The punishment had been thought up for both of them, so they both would have to help out.

  Ryan blinked his beautiful eyes several times before finally saying, “You? Are you saying that you want to clean the kennels?”

  “Of course, why not? I’ve got two hands too, in case you hadn’t noticed…”

  “You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, Amalia,” said Ryan in an attempt to appease her.

  “I know, and I’m not trying to!”

  The truth was that she was trying like hell to. She had woken up feeling combative and she was not planning on accepting defeat. And anyway, how terrible could dog crap be compared it to the argument awaiting them the following day?

  “Ok, I give in,” said Ryan, raising his arms. “In that case I’ll take care of the dogs.”

  “Great, please do – go, go” she said, gesturing to him to get started.

  “But listen, if you change your mind…” he began.

  “I never change my mind!” she answered, giving him a determined look, then snatching the brush from his hands.

  *

  Two hours later and she felt like she was in hell. What could hell be like if not an infinite lake of dog poop? Amalia didn’t think of herself as a snob at all, in spite of the world she had grown up in, but this? This was really too much for her. Her disgust was out of control.

  With the little energy she had left, she finished cleaning what looked more like a stable for a pony than a dog kennel, then sighed in discomfort. In her shoes, a normal person would have called Ryan back, she thought. And not just that: a normal person would have begged him to stay and clean those kennels. This was no normal punishment, this was pure sadism.

  After two hours of tedious cleaning, she had even changed her mind about looking after children: she was starting to wish she was doing that instead. They at least had been very sweet to her when they had seen how clumsy and out of place she was. Okay, they had tortured her for a bit, but in the end they had showed some pity. Here, on the contrary, she was alone, miserable and up to her knees in a swamp of disgusting dog do. Someone really needed to put her karma back on track.

  As if all that wasn’t enough, she had also started sneezing. Obviously her allergy had improved since she was a kid, but it hadn’t gone completely. Well, at least she realized she could never have a pet dog.

  Ryan, on the contrary, seemed to be at ease around dogs, and he looked the type who would quite happily own a big hairy one. But then again, he also seemed to be someone who wanted a big family. She could just picture him in a few year’s time with a pretty wife and a few little ones, all with green eyes and rebellious temperaments. She might even conceivably run into them some time… the idea left her breathless.

  “I’m done,” she heard Ryan say, awakening her from her absurd daydreams. “Now I can give you a hand with that.”

  But the closer he got, the less she could hide her feelings. And that was why, when he brushed a strand of hair from her face he found that her eyes were glistening with tears.

  “Is everything alright with you, Amalia?” he asked anxiously.

  “Me? Never been better,” she lied. Although when she was with him, she wasn’t a very good liar.

  “What about the allergy?”

  “What allergy?” she replied, trying to play it down, but after a couple of seconds she started sneezing again.

  “Exactly, what allergy?” he repeated, then took the brush from her.

  *

  After a few hours working at the kennels they went back home, completely exhausted. They took a shower together and scrubbed each other’s backs, but not even having soapy sex in the shower managed to totally restore Amalia’s mood. They dried off and got dressed and then ordered in some Chinese food for lunch, which they ate in a weird silence, each of them absorbed in their own thoughts.

  “Do you want me to go to my place?” Ryan asked her after a while, sensing the uncomfortable atmosphere.

  Amalia carefully put down the chopsticks she was eating with and hesitated a few moments longer than he had expected before answering. Ryan was staring at her with a serious and somewhat resigned expression on his face.

  She was thinking carefully about whether it would be better to just send him away before t
he natural deadline of their relationship. What difference would twenty-four hours more or less make, anyway? She really wished that she was strong enough to give him up right at that moment.

  This story had taught her that she wasn’t the kind of girl for ‘temporary relationships’ and that she couldn’t switch her feelings on and off to order. It was pointless to deny it and seeing him looking so calm and relaxed about the whole thing really made her furious. Well, he looked more resigned than happy, but he certainly wasn’t tearing his hair out in desperation.

  “No, I don’t think I do,” she answered finally, angry at herself for her answer.

  “You mean you don’t think or you’re sure?” he asked, showing some tact.

  “Unfortunately, I’m sure about it,” she sighed.

  “But you would like to talk about it…” he deduced correctly, sensing that she was overcome by a thousand emotions.

  “Yes, I suppose I would rather talk about it,” Amalia admitted unwillingly. She really wished that she didn’t feel this weird compulsion to discuss things like this, but unfortunately she was always finding herself fighting right until the end, even when it was a suicide mission. And there was no doubt that this was one.

  At that point, Ryan put the takeaway box down and cleared his voice before continuing. “Ok. Look, you know, it’s probably a good idea, this way we won’t leave all the talking for tomorrow,” he said. “Do you want to start?”

  No, of course she didn’t want start. Ideally, before getting into all this she would have preferred to know what the hell was going on in her mind, but she had already started talking now, so there didn’t seem to be much point in procrastinating further.

  “This temporary thing…” she started cautiously, “Does it really have to be temporary? I mean, in the days that we’ve spent together, haven’t you changed your mind about the possibility of the two of us… I mean… can’t we go on seeing each other?”

  Ryan could barely hide his surprise at this.

  “Would… would you like to go on seeing me?” he asked, as if he was having trouble believing his ears.

  “Well, yes I would, but you don’t need to look so surprised about it. Though apparently the thought of it had never even crossed your mind…” she mumbled resentfully.

  Ryan moved towards her and took her hand, before she could retract it completely.

  “No! No, please don’t misunderstand me. I just didn’t think there was any solution – I thought that the external circumstances didn’t leave us any choice at all.”

  “Well that’s only if we don’t do anything to change them.”

  “What do you mean exactly?” he asked, his curiosity piqued.

  “You could always ask to be substituted…” she said, throwing her bombshell. Ryan released her hand and froze.

  “I only became Assistant D.A. only two months ago. I can’t ask to be substituted a day and a half before the hearing,” he answered. “But you, on the other hand, could easily ask a colleague at your office to take your place and to plead the case on your behalf. There are a thousand lawyers there anyway…”

  This time she opened her eyes wide. “There might well be a thousand of us, ok, but Liz Stubbs has turned out to be a delicate case, given how frequently she’s appeared in court recently. And besides that, your charges are extremely serious and if I asked to be substituted just now I would compromise her chances of winning and getting off completely clean. Nobody else could defend her properly if I gave up the case.”

  Neither of them said anything for a few seconds.

  “We have reached an impasse then,” Ryan concluded, folding his arms over his chest as though to underline the distance – both physical and emotional – that now lay between them.

  “Well, yes, of course we have, since you insist with this nonsense! Ok, I admit that asking for a last minute substitution wouldn’t be a great move, but the damage to you would be pretty minimal. You’ve only just arrived there, and this is one of your first cases. You would have plenty of time to build a reputation for yourself in the future…” she tried to explain.

  “You must be joking, or at least I hope you are. I’ve got every paper in the city on my back watching my every move, and the D.A. is involved too. Obviously, because this Liz Stubbs case is big news. This is too important for me to just give it up for no real reason. The negative publicity would be devastating for my office.”

  Amelia glared at him coldly. “So you’re saying that I’m not an important enough reason for you then?” she asked resentfully.

  “No that’s not what I’m saying…” he exclaimed, trying to defend himself and raising his eyes to the ceiling in exasperation.

  “That is exactly what you are saying,” she replied. “And you were about to say something even worse.”

  Ryan jumped out of his chair and started pacing back and forth across the kitchen. “I don’t even know why we’re talking about this. We always knew we were heading for this thing, and we always knew that there was no solution to the problem! Why the hell did you want to discuss it now?” he asked angrily.

  Amalia turned to look at him and stared into his eyes for a long time before answering. “Because I’m in love with you,” she said, with an air of resignation.

  Great timing for a confession, she thought with a sigh. Really great timing.

  Ryan looked as if he had been turned to stone.

  “You’re… you’re what?” he asked quietly.

  She didn’t lower her eyes for a second.

  “I’m in love with you. And I know you’re in love with me too. And that you’re not planning to confess it. And I told you because I know that otherwise tomorrow you will leave this house without saying a word about it. That’s why I had to say it. Let’s be honest with each other, Ryan.”

  “It would have been much easier to say goodbye without any other complications or recriminations,” he pointed out, a wounded expression on his face.

  Well at least he hadn’t denied anything. But the fact that she was right wasn’t enough to make Amalia feel better. She smiled ironically.

  “Easier for whom? Not for me, anyway. I’m sick and tired of pretending that everything is going wonderfully well, when the truth is that everything around me is falling to pieces. Everything! And I have never dared talked about it before because that’s the way I was brought up. Because you always have to shut up and keep up appearances. Well, do you know what? To hell with the damned appearances! Do we really need to take this discussion all the way to the bitter end? Let’s do it then…”

  “But most of what you’re talking about has nothing to do with me…” he pointed out.

  “That’s true. But you’re also the first person I’ve ever cared about enough to question all the rest. So what do you want us to do about it, Ryan? Do you want us to end this relationship and just go on with our lives as if nothing happened or do you want to try and find a different way forward?” she challenged him.

  “But there’s no way out of this!” he reminded her angrily. “There is absolutely no way we can change it! Neither of us of us can back down because the commitment and the passion that we put into our jobs is what makes us what we are! Do you realize that? You’re asking me to sabotage my career to demonstrate something to you, but at the same time, you’re admitting that you wouldn’t do the same for me. So if you’re really in love with me, you take a step back!”

  “No way! I am not putting up with any more emotional blackmail from people who think that all they need to do is tell me that they love me. I want a demonstration first! For once in my life, I want someone to show that they consider me their first priority and to throw everything else aside for me. Everything…” she said, while a tear ran down her exasperated face. Amalia couldn’t even remember the last time she had cried. Maybe when she was a child.

  He moved closer to her and wiped away her tear with his hand. “Amalia, you can’t blame me for your parent’s faults.”

  “I am not doin
g anything of the sort…”

  “Yes, you are. You’re dragging your past into our relationship.”

  His words made her explode.

  “And what are you doing, then? Trying to keep your distance so that you don’t get too involved? What the hell am I to you anyway? Some TV dinner with an expiry date printed on the label?” she asked furiously. “What were you even thinking? Did you really think it was possible to end this relationship without hurting anyone? And all because you couldn’t find a rational way to manage your feelings? Love isn’t rational, Ryan! Not at all! I thought we were both old enough to have finally worked that one out!”

  “The point is that our love is especially irrational…” he finally admitted.

  She couldn’t hide her bitterness. “You’re wrong about that. It’s not an irrational love. Or maybe it is… Maybe it’s an irrational love, who am I to say? But that’s because it’s love! If whatever it is you had in the past wasn’t irrational, then maybe it wasn’t really love. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

  “Well in that case, get them to substitute you,” Ryan replied.

  Amalia closed her eyes for a moment and took a deep breath before answering.

  “I can’t do it.”

  He stood up and walked away from the table to put some distance between them, and leaned on the sink.

  “At this point, I think the best thing to do is just leave.”

  Amalia declined to answer.

  Ryan went to the bedroom to gather his few things and she remained sitting on her stool. If she had dared to take a step, the chances of her collapsing to the floor would have been extremely high.

  After a few minutes, Ryan appeared again at the door, holding his jacket and bag.

  “It’s nobody’s fault, Amalia. We both knew it was going to end this way. That was crystal clear right from the start. It’s destiny, I guess. I… I’ll see you on Monday,” he said before disappearing.

  Only when she had heard the unequivocal noise of the front door closing did she find the strength to add, in a loud voice, “It’s only destiny because we’re not doing anything to change it…”