He knew that in just a few minutes, Meagan wouldn’t be able to recognize him either, and it would have nothing to do with the damage to his face. And even though she was the most amazing person he knew, the strongest, the sweetest, how could somebody even as pure spirited as her forgive him for such a cruel act?
Lost in thought, he barely realized the door was opening, making him flash back to reality. There Meagan stood, a crutch under her arm to help support her broken leg, wearing a purple t-shirt and pajama pants. Her red hair hung across her shoulder in a wave of fiery curls. The beauty of her make-up free face and the innocent expression on it took him by surprise and he lost all concentration, lost all of the words he’d prepared to say.
“Oh my God, Ryder—” she exclaimed as she pushed the screen door open. “What happened to you?”
He caught another glimpse of himself in the glass. “I just…saw someone I hoped I’d never see again.”
She led him inside to the kitchen. “You couldn’t shake his hand?”
He followed slowly behind her, each step reluctant and forced, as he watched her move herself along, using her crutch for balance.
Pushing him into a kitchen chair, she hurried to the counter and wetted a wash cloth in the sink. It took her a little longer to get around with the crutch, which only broke his heart more.
“Meg, just wait a sec. I have to tell you something.”
“Whatever it is it can wait until we get you cleaned up.” She sat in front of him and used a damp cloth to wipe the blood off his face. Her soft hand grazed his cheek, but instead of leaving the usual trail of warmth and tingles, he felt disgusted. Undeserving.
“I’m fine.” He jerked his head away from her, unable to stand the thought of her touching him. Not now, after learning about the role he’d played in her rape. “Well, I guess it’s pretty obvious I’m not fine.”
“You think?” She placed a hand on her hip. “What’s going on, Ryder?”
Her eyes never left his, concerned and puzzled, making this so much harder. Drawing in a deep breath, he forced himself to spit the words out. “I’m responsible for what happened to you.”
Meagan narrowed her eyes. “What happened to me…what are you talking about?”
“I’m the one…” He swallowed hard, trying to get the courage to drop the bombshell. The one that would surely make her leave him.
She stared at him in confusion, on the brink of betrayal and he wanted to look away, but couldn’t. “I’m the one who sold Seth the GHB…the night he used it to rape you.”
“What? No you didn’t,” she said, with a breathless laugh of denial that broke his heart. “You didn’t sell drugs, right? Just…other stuff?”
He shook his head. “It’s true. I know it’s true.”
“You wouldn’t…”
“I did.”
She dropped her hand to her lap and stared at him. Those bright green eyes swirling with a mix of anger and bewilderment. “Seth told me that, and I didn’t believe him.”
Swallowing hard over a lump in his throat, he felt so bad for her he couldn’t take it. He’d never meant to cause her to misplace her trust, and yet, that’s exactly what he’d done.
In denial, she shook her head gently. “No…y—you held me when I cried…you listened to me talk about all my problems. You saw how much it was tearing me up inside and you told me it wasn’t my fault. Now you’re saying you were behind it the whole time? Was it a joke between the two of you? To see how many times the two of you could screw up my life? Why?”
Her words sliced through him like a knife, and he wished he could just bleed to death and get it over with. “I would never do that,” he said desperately. “I would never hurt you on purpose.”
“So this whole…thing between you and me was out of pity, then? Like how you’ve played the hero ever since the shooting. You stuck around because you felt bad about what you did.”
“No, Meagan, I didn’t even know until now. I swear. I’d forgotten I ever even saw that drug, until he threw it up in my face and that’s when I realized what I’d done—”
“Seth told you? He’s the one who did this to you?”
”I deserve worse.”
“Why?” she asked again, her voice a hoarse whisper. “Why’d you do it?”
His throat seemed to close up on him, so even if he’d known the answer, he wouldn’t have been able to speak it.
“It’s a date-rape drug, Ryder! Why would you sell it to anybody?” Standing, she turned away from him, being so unbearably silent that he wanted to cry and beg for her forgiveness.
Opening his mouth, he started to explain the reasoning’s he’d drummed up on the way over, but even to him it sounded ridiculous. “Sometimes people take it to get high.” He stared down at his bloody fist. “I guess I thought…I don’t know. I wasn’t thinking, Meagan, I never did. There’s no excuse.”
She whirled around. “You’re right, there’s not.” Anger flashed in her eyes. “So you were poor, and abandoned, and I feel for you, but that doesn’t give you the right to put dangerous weapons in the hands of dangerous people.”
She stared at him, like he was an idiot, the worst kind of scum. “Maybe you didn’t know exactly what Seth was going to do with the drug. But what did you think Peyton was going to do with the gun?”
He felt something inside him go still and cold, and he felt like that twelve year old boy hiding under his bed, while social workers knocked on the door, ready to scrutinize his entire life.
“You said it yourself. You didn’t think. You never thought about the consequences. You say you’ve changed, but just take a look at yourself.” She shook her head as her gaze raked over him. “You rush right over here to fess up in your part of what happened to me, and yet you haven’t said a word to Gage, or any other of the shooting survivors. People died, Ryder. Teenagers and teachers. And Gage’s baby is growing up without her mom.” Her voice was soft now, barely above a whisper because she felt so much compassion for the people she spoke of. “And you think I’m the one who needs your apology?”
“I…I know I can’t make this right.” Standing to his feet, he reached out to hold her, feel some proof that she wasn’t completely fading out of his life, all the while he knew he had no right. “But maybe there’s something else I can do. Some way to…”
“What?” She recoiled, hobbling back with that one crutch, her hand squeezing the handle bar so tight her knuckles had gone pale. “Earn redemption? You really think you can do that?”
“I have to try.”
Meagan swallowed hard and nodded slowly, quickly wiping a tear from her eye. Turning her head to look at him, an ounce of sympathy flashed across her face but only for a moment. “I think it’s best if I don’t see you for a while.”
Ryder hung his head in shame; he’d known the fallout would be brutal, but he’d hoped that somehow she’d forgive him. That she would see past his mistakes, like she always did. But this…it was just too much to forgive.
He wasn’t surprised, and knew he deserved much worse.
Though every part of him wanted to comfort her, to make this all okay, he knew that being around him was the last thing she needed right now. He walked to the door opened it and then turned around to see her beautiful face one more time.
She’d followed him to the door, she only stood about a foot away, and he took her all in. As if memorizing every part of her in case she never spoke to him again. It was that moment that he realized he was head over heels in love with her; she was the only one for him.
“I promise you, Meagan,” he looked her directly in the eyes and prayed she knew how serious he was. “I will make Seth pay for what he’s done to you.”
Meagan couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. He wanted to go to her. To hold her in his arms and tell her it was going to be okay, but as much as he hated it, all he could do was walk away. It was the best way to protect her.
***
Kelly
***
“Seriously?” Kelly demanded, a hand on her hip. “You stole my journal? And then read it to Gage?”
Kendall looked over at Kelly, disinterested at first, but then a smile of recognition curved her lips. “So he chose the return to owner option. Interesting.”
“Why would you do something like that? How could you humiliate me like that?” Kelly crossed her arms and waited. “Why?”
Kendall sat back against the footboard and looked up at Kelly through her eyelashes. “To see that look on your face.”
Kelly tossed the journal onto Kendall’s bed and raked a hand through her hair as she groaned in frustration, on the verge of having a full-blown temper tantrum. “It’s not bad enough that now I have to sit in group with both of you, knowing you guys had some steamy fling. But now I have to know that Gage knows every pathetic word I ever said about him? Thanks a lot, Kendall. Way to lend a hand!”
Clumsily, she stood to her feet and pointed at Kelly with her bottle. Her words slurred and her hazy eyes searched for Kelly as if she were seeing double. “Now, we’re even.”
“Even?” Kelly gawked, throwing her hands in the air. “For what?”
“For what?” Kendall repeated, enraged that Kelly was clueless. “For replacing me!”
Kelly narrowed her eyes, bewildered, anger dissipating, insight sinking in, while Kendall ranted drunkenly.
“Since the moment Jodi and dad married, it’s like I’ve been invisible. I mean, why would they want damaged and broken me, when they could have perfect and flawless Kelly instead? Why would they want the sinner when they can have the saint?”
Kelly held her hands up, trying to rationalize with her step-sister. “I’m no saint, Kendall. You’ve got me all wrong.”
“Maybe I do.” Kendall crossed her arms in a defensive stance and raised a challenging eyebrow. “Your journal was enlightening. You’re so ashamed of something that you only refer to it as ‘the incident’. So what is it you can’t say, Kelly? What’d you do that was so horrible?”
Kelly felt her emotions ice over. All the anger, concern and sympathy disappeared, replaced by that steely barrier she’d come to rely on so much.
Keeping her gaze steady and provoking, Kendall taunted, “What was it that made you abandon your squad, dump your boyfriend and cut yourself off from the world? What’s your damage, Kelly?”
She drew in a steady breath, keeping her cool. Knowing better than to let Kendall’s techniques work. The girl lived on drama, needed to create it for whatever reason, and Kelly wasn’t about to fuel the fire. “What’s yours?”
“See?” Kendall said triumphantly. “You’re so concerned with keeping face. You want everyone to think you’re perfect, so no one will ever guess that behind it all, you’re just as screwed up as I am. You’re the biggest fraud I’ve ever met. That’s why I hate you.”
“Maybe I am a fraud,” Kelly said, grabbing her journal off the bed. “But at least I’m not a slut who sleeps with a married man while his wife is pregnant.”
Kendall gawked, her temper flaring as Kelly made a b-line for the door. “At least I got there,” Kendall shouted after her, “I doubt you ever will!”
Kelly slammed the door shut behind her, muffling the last of Kendall’s words.
***
Ryder
***
After leaving Meagan, Ryder found his way to another party. Another packed house, belonging to someone he didn’t know whose parents were out of town on some cruise. He wasn’t in a celebrating mood, but it was better to be a nameless face in the crowd than a number at the group home.
Seth’s car was among those parked in the driveway, but Ryder hadn’t found him yet. So he stayed on the outside, looking in, like he always did. Watching the drunken teenagers dance and laugh and talk and smoke pot or snort powders, and wondering what the appeal was for them.
Even before the shooting, Ryder had preferred to stay sober. Sure, he’d burn a joint with a customer if it meant closing a deal, but that was where his using ended. He’d always been much more attracted to the money those things would get him than the effect they’d have on his mind.
But now he wondered…if he drank a beer, would he be able to stop blaming himself for what happened to Meagan? If he smoked some pot, would it dull the pain? With nothing important left to lose, he figured he’d give it a try and grabbed a bottle of beer from a cooler on the table.
Then he headed upstairs, wanting to be alone. Wishing he had a home to retreat to when life got this dark, knowing he wouldn’t have that until he turned eighteen and could provide one for himself. But his upcoming birthday only took care of the legalities; he still had to come up with the cash, find furniture, find a place to rent, etc. Find the desire to do anything besides fade into oblivion. Just thinking about it all made his head spin.
He made it to the second floor of the house and turned a corner, heading down a hallway full of doors. One of them opened and Seth stormed out, slamming it behind him.
Seeing him, Ryder felt a fire ignite. This jerk had everything handed to him and always had, and still found reasons to be a psychotic asshole. He never appreciated anything. This anger consuming him, he stepped into Seth’s path, ready to tell him off or worse.
But Seth only shoved him out of his way and kept walking.
“You should be careful.” Ryder reached out and grabbed Seth’s arm, squeezing it tight.
Seth’s eyes flashed with a hint of anger. Keeping his voice loud and macho, he said, “Why? Because you’re such a tough guy? Maybe you missed it, but I already kicked your ass. Just look in the mirror.”
“No,” Ryder said with a quiet, cold laugh. “Because I’ve got nothing left to lose.”
Seth’s jaw clenched as he jerked his arm out of Ryder’s grasp. He stood there, giving Ryder a good, long look—and seeming intimidated by what he saw—before finally turning back down the hallway.
Shaking his head, Ryder kept walking. He’d deal with Seth later…now he wanted to find a quiet place and give this beer a try. As he passed the door Seth came out of, a chilling thought occurred to him.
Seth hadn’t picked a fight with Ryder, like he usually did. And he’d been in such a big hurry to get out of there…so what was inside the room?
Reaching out, he twisted the doorknob and pushed the door open a little. Poking his head inside, he took a quick look around. His ears picked up on the soft sound of a girl crying before he saw her, huddled in a corner with her knees pulled up to her chest. Long brown hair covered most of her face, which was tilted down and away from the light. She had her hand pressed against the right side of her face.
“Are you okay?” Ryder asked cautiously as he lingered in the doorway.
She looked up, and the light fell across her face. He almost didn’t recognize her, without her clean and fresh-make-up look and signature attitude, but it was definitely Lena. She swallowed hard when she saw him and wiped away a few tears, smearing eyeliner along her cheek. In an attempt to straighten herself up, she pushed her hair back, revealing a swollen red splotch across the side of her face.
His eyes locked on the bruising skin as his mind finished reading the scenario. “Did Seth do that?” he asked, moving into the room. He left the door open behind him as he knelt in front of her, bringing them to eye level.
Her eyes, wide and bloodshot, watched his every move with the kind of weary and cautious look of someone who finally knew the truth. Finally, she nodded, just barely, and touched the side of her face again, as if covering the wound somehow dulled the pain. “I…I heard what he said to you. At the fight.” Tears thickened her voice, and she fought to keep them at bay. “I tried to talk to him about it…and he just
went crazy. He hit me,” she whispered, then angrier, “the son of a bitch hit me. It feels like my face is going to explode.”
Part of him felt like Lena got what was coming to her, given the way she’d been treating Meagan. But as his resentment toward Seth faded in to the background, he realized that nobody deserved to be hurt by that jerk. Especially not the girl who’d stood by his side the entire time, abandoning a friend in the process. “Never been hit before huh?”
“Only once,” she said. “By Meagan.”
So she’d had that one coming at least, but this was just uncalled for. He held out the beer for her, and when she raised an eyebrow in question, he motioned to the side of her face. “It’s for the swelling.”
She took it, pressing the cool glass gently against her face. She was quiet for a minute, her eyes distant and lopsided looking from the swelling. “He is so dumped,” she said, fuming, her catty behavior returning. “And ruined. I’ll make sure no girl in school will ever want to look at him again. I’m making it my personal mission to destroy him.”
He laughed and stood up. “I’ll make sure to book a front row seat.”
“Meagan’s been right all along and nobody believed her.”
“Some people did.”
She looked up at him, eyes full of guilt. “I can’t believe I screwed up so bad. I was supposed to be her friend. How can I ever…fix it?”
He drew in a slow, steady breath as the irony of her words tugged at his heart, amplifying the guilt he felt. Thinking that if he knew the answer to that question, he definitely wouldn’t be searching for it here at this party. When he finally spoke, his voice was low. “I don’t think we can.”
Chapter 11
Kay
“Are you sure you want to stay and help clean up?” Kay asked as she twisted the key into the lock and pushed her front door open. “You don’t have to.”
“Yes, I’m sure,” he said, laughing as he followed her into the house. As he looked around, taking in the sparkling clean floors, streak-free television screen, and neatly arranged Army memorabilia. “Wow, this place is such a mess.”
Collateral Damage (From the Damage) Page 13