Vish Puri 02; The Case of the Man Who Died Laughing

by Tarquin Hall

  “See… Mr. Jaggi wanted to sell some land adjacent to Bagga-ji’s. But it had market value of maximum half crore. So the fellow devised one plan. He asked his friend and associate working at the construction company to contact Bagga and make him one offer. ‘Tell him you want to build one mall on his land. Mention you require the adjacent land also’.”

  “The adjacent land being owned by Jasbir Jaggi?” asked Jaiya.

  “Correct. Knowing his greedy and idiotic nature, Jaggi was certain Bagga would try to buy it for himself.”

  “With the idea of selling it to the construction company at a profit… now I see.” Jaiya shook her head in disbelief. “So presumably Bagga went to Jaggi and asked to buy his land for one crore and of course he accepted.”

  “Exactly. That is why he required one crore. I got him to admit to the plan by offering to loan him the amount. Naturally I never intended to give him the money.”

  “So did you warn him about Jaggi, Papa?”

  “Naturally I told Preeti and she in turn tried to convince Bagga-ji,” answered Puri. “But he refused to believe.”

  “He went ahead anyway?” asked Jaiya, wide-eyed, with her hands half covering her face.

  Puri smiled. “What happened was this,” he said. “Bagga visited the construction company. There he begged Jaggi’s associate to build a smaller mall on his land. You know what this fellow told him? That he would not build even one public urinal there. Then he abused him and told him, ‘Get out!’

  “Later Bagga-ji came home and told Preeti that he believed he was the victim of one conspiracy. ‘That is what I was trying to tell you earlier!’ she said. ‘No, no,’ he answers. ‘Just they’re trying to trick me into believing my land is worthless so I will sell cheap! But I am no fool! A better offer will come and then I will be…’”

  Everyone in the room joined in: “‘Richest man in aaall Paannjaaab’.”

  ♦

  Rumpi and Jaiya went to the kitchen while Puri and Mummy sat back enjoying their tea.

  The TV was now on and one of the channels was repeating the video footage that DIRE had released to all the channels a few days earlier, shocking the nation with the truth about the Kali illusion.

  Dr. Jha appeared on the screen. He was sitting in the hospital after faking his own death. There was fake blood around his mouth and a remarkably realistic wound on his chest. But he was smiling and laughing and chatting with his friend Professor Pandey.

  The channel went live to Haridwar where Bossy was standing in front of the darshan hall at the Abode of Eternal Love. In the past few days, she had taken over as the spokesperson for the charitable trust administering the ashram. The CCTV sex videos were fakes, she claimed. Anyone who believed they were real was not worthy of Swami-ji’s teachings.

  “He is testing all of us,” Puri heard Bossy say before pressing the mute button on his remote control.

  “So many people are getting totally angry at what Dr. Jha did, na,” said Mummy. “Makes you wonder if the whole thing hurt his cause after all.”

  “No one enjoys being made fools out of, that much is certain,” said Puri. “But I myself cannot help admiring what he did. Absolute genius it was, actually.”

  “What about this Swami character? His whereabouts are known or what?”

  “He we’ll not be seeing for a very long time – if at all,” said the detective. “Same goes for his cohort, Swaroop. Must be they stashed away so many of crores.”

  “And what about that goonda health minister? I was reading he could be facing money-laundering charges.”

  “Could he facing,” emphasized Puri. “But it will be a dry day in Patiala before a neta finds himself behind bars.”

  Suddenly there came a yell from the kitchen.

  “Chubby, come quick!” screamed Rumpi.

  The detective ran into the room to find Jaiya slumped on the floor. She was bleeding.

  “By God! Jaiya!”

  “Call an ambulance, na!” cried Mummy.

  ♦

  The ambulance, a little van that had to come from a private hospital twenty minutes away, took thirty minutes to arrive – by which time Jaiya was complaining of severe abdominal cramping.

  The van was just large enough to hold one patient, a doctor, a nurse, a driver plus one relative on the passenger’s seat.

  Rumpi got inside and it raced out of the gate, siren wailing and emergency light flashing.

  Few vehicles gave way for the ambulance en route and it was another half hour before it reached the entrance to the emergency ward.

  Puri and Mummy, who followed together in the Ambassador, pulled up in time to see Jaiya being wheeled inside.

  Soon, they were gathered with Rumpi anxiously awaiting news.

  Another twenty minutes passed.

  Then a doctor in a green smock and mask came out to tell them that Jaiya had gone into preterm labor.

  “We’ll do everything we can for her twins,” he said before returning to the operating theater.

  By now, Rumpi was crying and clinging to Puri.

  He remained calm and collected as he comforted and reassured her. But after ten minutes, the detective stood up to leave, asking Mummy to take care of his wife.

  “I must go,” he said. “Call me when the outcome is known either way.”

  “I understand,” said Mummy, taking a hundred-rupee note from her purse and handing it to him.

  Back at the car he instructed Handbrake to drive as fast as he could to DLF City.

  “Never mind usual rules,” he said.

  “Yes, Boss.”

  They covered the distance at breakneck speed, soon screeching to a halt outside the Ganesh temple in Phase Four.

  At the gate, Puri bought some offerings – a coconut, a few bananas and a packet of some candied nuts – as well as incense sticks. Having removed his shoes, he climbed the steps and hurried inside.

  The temple was quiet, it being a weekday afternoon. Just a few worshippers sat in prayer or contemplation. Puri approached the effigy of the elephant god in the temple’s main shrine, bowed and sat on the floor before it. A priest received his offerings and Mummy’s one-hundred-rupee note, listened to his plight and began to say prayers asking for the protection of Jaiya and the safe delivery of her twins.

  With head bent devoutly, eyes closed and the palms of his hands pressed together in supplication, Puri silently be-seeched God’s mercy.

  Handbrake soon joined his employer, sitting to one side of him and making his own offerings.

  The two men barely stirred for nearly three hours despite the oppressive heat.

  When Mummy finally rang, it was dark and the temple was packed with worshippers and the sound of ringing bells.

  Puri returned to the hospital to find Jaiya weak but in stable condition and the twins lying in separate incubators.

  He stood watching them through the observation window of the maternity ward, their tiny, frail bodies still purple and wrinkled.

  “It was really touch-and-go, Chubby,” said Rumpi as she and Mummy gathered next to him, mesmerized by the latest additions to the Puri clan. “The doctor said they nearly didn’t make it. But something – who knows what? – pulled them through.”

  “It’s a miracle, na,” declared Mummy.

  Puri smiled, his eyes brimming with tears.

  “Yes, Mummy-ji, it is a miracle,” he said. “This time a real one.”

  ∨ The Case of the Man Who Died Laughing ∧

  Glossary

  AACHAR a pickle. Most commonly made of carrot, lime, garlic, cauliflower, chili or unripe mango cooked in mustard oil and spices.

  AARTI Hindu fire ritual, often performed daily, in which a plate holding a flame and offerings is circled in front of a deity or guru while devotional songs are sung.

  ACHKAN a close-fitting high-necked coat, slightly flared below the waist and reaching almost to the knee, worn by men in India.

  ALOO potato.

  ALOO TIKKI MASALA spicy fri
ed potato patties.

  AMBASSADOR until recently India’s national car. The design, which has changed little since production started in 1957, is similar to the British Morris Oxford.

  ANGREZI adjective; Hindi for English or British. ‘Angrez’ is the noun form.

  ART FRAT a member of the artistic community or fraternity.

  ATTA a kind of wheat flour dough commonly used in South Asian cooking.

  AYAH a domestic servant role combining the functions of maid and nanny.

  BABU a bureaucrat or other government official.

  BACHA a child.

  BAKSHEESH a term used to describe tipping, charitable giving and bribery.

  BALTI a bucket.

  BANSURI a flute.

  BARFI sweetmeat made from condensed milk and sugar.

  BETA a son or child; used in endearment.

  BIDI Indian cigarette made of strong tobacco hand-rolled in a leaf from the ebony tree.

  BILKUL or course, certainly, tor sure.

  BIRYANI rice-based foods made with spices, rice, meat, fish, eggs or vegetables. With Hyderabadi biryani, the marinated meat and rice are cooked together.

  CHALLAN literally a receipt for a payment or delivery, but generally slang for a traffic fine.

  CHALLO Hindi for ‘let’s go.’

  CHARGE SHEETER a person with a criminal record.

  CHARPAI literally, ‘four feet.’ A charpai is a woven string bed used throughout northern India and Pakistan.

  CHAVAL rice.

  CHAWL a tenement building.

  CHILLA a flatbread made from black chickpea flour, onions and spices.

  CHIWDA a variable mixture of spicy dried ingredients, which may include fried lentils, peanuts, chickpea flour noodles, corn, chickpeas, flaked rice and fried onion. This is all flavored with salt and a blend of spices.

  CHOWKIDAR a watchman.

  CHURIDAAR a style of leg-hugging drawstring pajamas.

  CHUSKI crushed ice and flavored syrup on a stick.

  CHUTTRI an elevated, dome-shaped pavilion used as an element in Indian architecture. ‘Chhatri’ means umbrella or canopy.

  COWWAH crow.

  ’CRIB’ Indian English; to complain or grumble.

  DAAL spiced lentils.

  DACOITY criminal activity involving robbery by a groups of armed bandits. A dacoit is a member of an Indian or Burmese armed robber band.

  DARSHAN a Sanskrit term meaning sight (in the sense of an instance of seeing or beholding). It is most commonly used for ‘visions of the divine,’ i.e., of a god or a very holy person or artifact. One can ‘receive darshana’ of the deity in the temple or from a saintly person, such as a guru.

  DHABA an Indian roadside restaurant, popular in northern India, playing loud music and serving spicy Punjabi food.

  DHARMA a Sanskrit term that refers to a person’s righteous duty or any virtuous path.

  DHOKLA a fast food from the Indian state of Gujarat made with a fermented batter of chickpeas.

  DHOTI a traditional men’s garment. It is a rectangular piece of unstitched cloth, usually around seven yards long, wrapped around the waist and legs and knotted at the waist.

  DIDI a sister.

  DIYA a lamp usually made of clay with a cotton wick dipped in vegetable oil.

  DJINN a genie.

  FAKIR an ascetic or mystic.

  FUNDA from ‘fundamentals’; Indian English slang for situation or understanding.

  GHAT a descending path or stairway to a river or landing place.

  GHEE clarified butter.

  GOONDA a thug or miscreant.

  GORA/GORI a light-skinned person; the term is often used in reference to Westerners.

  GULAB JAMUN a dessert made of dough consisting mainly of milk solids in a sugar syrup. It is usually flavored with cardamom seeds and rosewater or saffron.

  HAAN-JI Hindi for ‘yes, sir/madam.’

  ’HAI!’ an exclamation indicating surprise or shock.

  HAKIM a Muslim physician.

  HALF-PANTS shorts.

  ’HARAMI’ ’bastard.’

  IDLI a South Indian savory cake popular throughout India. The cakes are usually two to three inches in diameter and are made by steaming a batter consisting of fermented black lentils and rice. Most often eaten at breakfast or as a snack.

  JADOO magic.

  JASOOS a spy or private detective.

  JAWAN a male constable or soldier.

  JEERA cumin seeds.

  KADI a spicy, sour curry made from gram flour fried in butter and mixed with buttermilk or yogurt. Served with chaval, rice.

  ’KAHA-HAIN?’ ’where are you?’

  ’KAISAN BHA?’ ’how are you, brother?’

  KALAVA the sacred Hindu thread also called mauli in Hindi. It is worn while performing rituals.

  KALE CHANNE black chickpeas.

  KARO ’do it.’

  KHEER rice or vermicelli pudding made with milk and sugar and topped with slivered almonds or pistachios.

  KHOYA milk cooked slowly until only the solids remain; used in desserts.

  KIDD-AN? Punjabi for ‘how are you?’

  ’KISTERAN?’ Punjabi for ‘how are things?’

  KOKI a spiced Indian flatbread from Sindh.

  KOTHI a stand-alone, multistory house.

  KSHATRIYA the military and ruling order of the traditional Vedic-Hindu social system as outlined by the Vedas; the warrior caste.

  KURTA a long shirt.

  LAAD SAHIB bastardization of ‘lord sahib,’ meaning spoiled or arrogant.

  LADOO a sweet that is often prepared to celebrate festivals or household events such as weddings. Essentially, ladoos are flour balls cooked in sugar syrup.

  LAKH a unit in the Indian numbering system equal to 100,000.

  LAOW bring.

  LASSI a drink made from buttermilk. It can be plain, sweet or salty, or made with fruit such as banana or mango.

  LATHI length of bamboo or cane often used by police or schoolmasters to lash people.

  LIZER Indian English; derived from ‘liaiser.’

  MANGAL SUTRA a symbol of Hindu marriage consisting of a gold ornament strung from a yellow thread, a string of black beads or a gold chain.

  MARMA POINTS an anatomical site where flesh, veins, arteries, tendons, bones and joints meet up. Resembles the acupressure points.

  MIXIE Indian English for a food processor.

  MOONG DAAL HALWA dessert made from milk and lentils.

  NA no? or isn t it?

  NAMASHKAR / NAMASTE traditional Hindu greeting said with hands pressed together.

  NANI maternal grandmother.

  NEEM a tree in the mahogany family.

  NETA a politician.

  NIMBOO PANI lemonade, salty or sweet or both.

  PAAGAL crazy.

  PAALAK PANEER spinach with Indian cottage cheese.

  PAAN a betel leaf, stuffed with betel nut, lime and other condiments and used as a stimulant.

  PAAPRI CHAAT a North Indian fast food. ‘Chaat’ means lick; ‘paapri’ refers to crispy fried-dough wafers made from refined white flour. The paapris are served with boiled potato, boiled chickpeas, chilis, yogurt, tamarind chutney and chaat masala.

  PAGRI a traditional Indian turban.

  PAISA one hundredth of a rupee.

  PANCHA KARMA an Ayurvedic cleansing and rejuvenating program for the body, mind and consciousness.

  PANCHNAMA first listing of the evidence and findings that a police officer makes at the scene of a crime.

  PANDIT a Hindu, almost always a Brahmin, who has memorized a substantial portion of the Vedas, along with the corresponding rhythms and melodies for chanting or singing them.

  PARANTHA flat Indian wheat bread pan-fried and served with yogurt and pickle. Often stuffed with spiced potatoes, cauliflower or cottage cheese and eaten for breakfast.

  PATKAS head coverings worn by Sikh children in preference to the bigger turban.

  PINNI a Punjabi sweetmeat usually topped with
cashews, almonds or pistachios.

  POHA a breakfast dish made from flattened rice traditionally cooked with peanuts, mustard seeds and curry leaves.

  POORI puffy wheat bread deep fried in oil.

  PRANAYAMA a yoga term meaning learning to control the breath.

  RISHI a poet-sage through whom the Vedic hymns flowed; credited also as a divine scribe. According to post-Vedic tradition, the rishi is a seer or shaman to whom the Vedas were originally revealed through states of higher consciousness.

  ROOK! stop!

  SAALA slang. An expression of disgust.

  SADHU a holy man who has renounced the material world to devote himself to spiritual practice. He wanders from place to place and owns nothing. A female sadhu is a sadhvi.

  PRASAD offerings of fruit or sweetmeats sanctified in front of deities during prayer and then passed out to devotees to consume as blessings.

  PUJA a prayer.

  PUKKA Hindi word meaning solid, well made. Also means definitely.

  PUNGI also called a ‘been.’ A wind instrument played by snake charmers in India.

  RAJA a king.

  RAJMA red kidney beans cooked with onions, garlic, ginger, tomatoes and spices. A much-loved Punjabi dish eaten with basmati rice.

  SAHIB an Urdu honorific now used across South Asia as a term of respect, equivalent to the English ‘sir.’

  SAMADHI a higher level of concentrated meditation.

  SAMBAR a South Indian spicy and sour lentil dish.

  SANTOOR an Indian trapezoid-shaped hammer dulcimer.

  SANYASI a Hindu who has renounced all his material possessions and adopted the life of begging for survival.

  SARDAR a male follower of the Sikh religion wearing a turban.

  SHERWANI a long coat-like garment worn in South Asia, very similar to a doublet.

  SHLOKA a Hindu prayer or hymn that is chanted or sung.

  SINDOOR a red powder used by married Hindu women and some Sikh women. During the marriage ceremony, the groom applies some to the parting of the bride’s hair to show that she is now a married woman. Subsequently, sindoor is applied by the wife as part of her dressing routine.

  TANDOOR a cylindrical clay oven used to bake breads and meats.

  TILAK a red mark on the forehead usually applied after aarti.

  TOPI a hat.

  TULLI Punjabi slang for drunk.

  UBTAN a powerful exfoliating and clarifying all-body scrub used by brides-to-be. Generally contains gram flour, turmeric, sandalwood powder and rose water. It is spread on the body and then scrubbed off with jasmine oil.