Daughters of England

by Philippa Carr

  Very soon Kate and she became inseparable and it was comforting for us to know that Kate had such a companion. Always at the back of my mind, and particularly since that encounter at the time of the Duke of York’s wedding, I was afraid that Jack Adair might approach Kate at some time, and I had been afraid to allow Kate out alone. That was reasonable enough when she was very young; but it was not so easy to keep a constant watch on a girl of seven or eight—particularly as our house was run on rather informal lines. Christobel supplied what we needed perfectly.

  We noticed the difference in Kate. Not only could she read fluently and write well but she was developing a certain poise and confidence.

  In the evenings, when I returned from the theater and Kate was in bed, Christobel would join Maggie and me and we would talk. I would tell them of how the play had gone and who had been in the audience, to which they both listened avidly, and Christobel would talk of what she and Kate had done that day. She would tell me what they were learning. Kate was very interested in literature and they went through the plays of Shakespeare and Marlowe and occasionally some of the more modern ones such as Dryden and Beaumont and Fletcher.

  “Do you think she will follow her mother in her profession?” asked Maggie.

  “It may be. But she seems more interested in the words than the players. She is a very practical girl. She says she does not believe that a girl would only have to put on boy’s clothes to be mistaken for one, so she cannot believe in the play. But the words, she says, they are magic, they excite her and sometimes they make her weep. She is bright and she is a pleasure to teach.”

  I said to Maggie what a good day it was for us all when Christobel came.

  Maggie said slyly: “You will remember how reluctant you were to take her.”

  “I do, and I remember how you saw the virtue of the project right from the start.”

  One day she said to me: “I often think how lucky it was for me that Kitty brought you here, and I wonder what my life would have been like without you and Kate. When Kitty went you were there. Now that I am getting old and unable to get about as I did once, I should have been a very lonely woman.”

  Life had settled into a pattern. The days were peaceful and time was slipping past with a speed which startled me. Another month had passed—then a year. Kate was growing up. She was now nine years old. Christobel had become one of us and Maggie and I often asked ourselves how we could have got along without her.

  With the passing of time Maggie grew perceptibly more crippled and often I was working, but we had the satisfaction of knowing that Christobel was there, so I had no qualms about leaving Kate when I was working.

  We lived in a little world of our own. The scandals of the theatrical circles passed lightly over me. I was now and then pursued by some amorous gallant, but I was aloof and did not wish to be embroiled in further adventures. I had had my fill. I had a reputation for being cold and virtuous, which I shared with a few—very few—other actresses. I was glad of it. It was what I wished. My life was centered on the little household of Kate and Maggie and now Christobel, not forgetting Martha and Jane. A world of women—a safe world, it seemed to me.

  In any case, I was very tired after the performances and had no wish to go anywhere but home. Ever since I had had that illness before Kate was born, I had tired more easily and I had a greater tendency than before to catch a cold.

  This made me doubly glad of Christobel’s presence.

  We used to enjoy—Maggie and I—seeing Kate come in with Christobel. Kate, rosy-cheeked, glowing with health, eager to tell us what they had done, and Christobel looking very happy and contented.

  “We were exploring London,” Kate told me. “It is a sort of lesson, isn’t it, Christobel?” she added.

  “Well,” replied Christobel, “it is knowledge and all knowledge is good.”

  “That sounds just like a governess, does it not, Mama?” said Kate.

  “It is what I strive to be,” replied Christobel. “I myself am learning too. I did not realize what a fascinating place London is until Kate reminded me.”

  “We have been to the Haymarket,” cried Kate. “Do you know how long it has been there? It has only been there twelve years, so it is not much older than I am. Everything else seems to be so old. It is all hay and straw and horses. There is more to be seen in St. James’s Fields.”

  They would laugh over the people they had seen bargaining and everything seemed very funny when they told it, although on contemplation one might wonder why it had seemed so hilarious. I came to the conclusion that when one was happy things seemed amusing when they might not have otherwise done so.

  So Maggie and I would sit and wait for them to return to tell us what they had seen along by the river at Chelsea or near Rosamond’s Pond in St. James’s Park. When they saw the King sauntering in the park they were most excited and once they saw him along Pall Mall.

  Maggie’s gratified look of triumph often reminded me that I had almost missed this great opportunity.

  Then one winter’s day I became ill and was unable to go to the theater.

  The doctor was brought to me and he said it was a return of the illness I had had before. I expected it to pass and that I would gradually recover, but it was not quite like that. I did get better, but my cough remained and I was very tired, and even when the spring came, I was not really well.

  Often I saw Maggie watching me gravely.

  She said: “You are not fit to go back to the theater.” I protested but in my heart I knew that she was right.

  “I shall be better when the summer comes,” I said.

  But my cough persisted.

  For so long I had been shut in with my comfortable life that I had not thought of change. Christobel had solved several problems for us; we had gone on blithely. The country might be at war with the Dutch, but that was far away and did not concern us. There was constant talk about the possibility of the King’s having no heir and the Duke of York’s coming to the throne and whether the country would tolerate a Catholic monarch.

  We gave little thought to that either. I was deeply concerned with my poor health. I had saved a little money, but that would not last forever and if I were not well enough to work during the summer, could I expect to in winter? I felt I had already taken more from Maggie than I could possibly repay. When I broached the subject to her she was indignant. I must not talk about money. We could manage. Christobel was undemanding and, as she was perceptive, she was already aware of my anxiety and its cause. She had secretly told Maggie that she would accept a lower salary, for this was her life now and she could not bear to be parted from Kate or any of us.

  I was very fortunate, I knew, to be surrounded by such good people whom I loved; but I continued to worry.

  It was September. Kate had been ten years old in June. The weather had been sunny and mellow and very pleasant, as it often was at that time of year, and I had been taking a short walk every day. I did not want anyone to go with me because I was apt to get a little breathless and needed to pause for a few moments before proceeding. But my spirits had risen of late, for I had been feeling a little better and my walks became a little longer every day.

  I told myself this illness was passing. I had been ill before, when I was going to have Kate, and I had recovered then. I was going to be all right.

  I still thought about Jack and I often wondered what he was doing now. Although I had been relieved that he had made no more efforts to see Kate, I was a little disappointed that he had not. How perverse one can be where one’s emotions are concerned! Although I told myself that he was a black-hearted villain, somewhere in the depths of my emotions I was always hoping that I should see him.

  So, during these little walks of mine, I often found my steps leading me to those lodgings of his where I had spent those blissful ignorant weeks when I had believed myself to be his wife. I supposed in my heart I could not really regret them, for I had never been—nor ever would be—so happy again, an
d during that time Kate had been conceived. So I had this desire to see the place and my steps invariably led me there.

  I made a habit of remaining some distance from the house. I was afraid that Jack might suddenly appear, and how embarrassed I should be if he found me gazing up at it. I should have been utterly betrayed.

  I would stand on the corner of the street. I would be hidden from view and, if by some chance he should appear, I could make a hasty retreat.

  I felt exhilarated by the very sight of the building. I felt sure now that I should soon be well. It was only a pity that it was not the spring that was on its way instead of the autumn. But I would be well, I was certain of it. Meanwhile there was so much to remember. That first time he had taken me there. My shocked horror. And then, when I returned, how different! Although it was not really. It was just that he was deceiving me.

  I stepped back against the wall. Someone was coming out of the house.

  I stared. It was not Jack. It was Kate and Christobel.

  For a moment I thought I was dreaming. Kate and Christobel in Jack’s lodgings! It could not be.

  They had turned and were walking back along the street the way they would take back to Maggie’s house.

  I stared after them. There was no doubt. It was Kate and Christobel, and they had come out of Jack’s lodgings. What could it mean?

  For some seconds I felt too numbed to move. I watched their retreating figures and told myself that I had imagined this. It was someone else.

  But how could I mistake my own child? And there was Christobel with her.

  What could it mean? I would soon know. They would have to explain to me.

  I walked slowly back to the house. My breath was short and a little painful. Every now and then I had to pause.

  When I returned to the house they were not there.

  Maggie was in the parlor.

  “Something has happened, Sarah!” she cried. “You look white as a sheet. You’ve overdone it. I knew you would. You go too quickly. You’ve got to take it more easily. Just because you feel a little better, you’ve got to dash around like a madwoman.”

  I let her scold on. I wanted to tell her…but I did not know where to begin. It would seem to her as incredible as it seemed to me.

  She led me to a chair and said she would get something for me.

  When she had left me, I asked myself if I should tell her. No, I thought. Not yet. I must think what to do. She will think I am foolish…imagining things. I could hear her saying, “And what, may I ask, were you doing outside his lodgings?”

  I had made a mistake, I kept telling myself. Of course, the two I had seen emerging from the lodgings were not Kate and Christobel. They had merely looked like them.

  That was the answer. I was not well. I was letting my foolish imagination take possession of my common sense.

  I would ask them and they would stare at me in bewilderment.

  Of course, they could not have been in that place.

  But I had seen them.

  Maggie came back with a glass of wine.

  “This will warm you,” she said. “Then I am going to say you should go to bed. You’ve overtired yourself, that’s what it is. I’ll bring you up something later on. First you must rest for a while.”

  I almost told her. But I could not bring myself to. I was clinging to the belief that I had been mistaken.

  It had to be. What other answer was there?

  I lay in my bed. I should have to speak to them first, to Kate, or perhaps to Christobel. I had to hear from their lips that I could not have seen them emerge from Lord Rosslyn’s lodgings.

  They were down there now. I could hear them laughing. They would be telling Maggie about their adventures. They would not tell her that they had been to those lodgings. Maggie would not be laughing if they had. She would have been as horrified as I was.

  Kate would have been sad when she heard I was unwell. She would have wanted to come up and see me. I could hear Maggie telling her that it would be better for me to rest. I had been doing too much too quickly and I had tired myself.

  The suspense was becoming too much for me. I could hear their steps on the stairs. They were going to their beds now. I saw the light of a candle through a crack in the door.

  I heard their voices, whispering so as not to disturb me as they said goodnight to each other, then all was silent. But, as I expected, I could not sleep. I would speak to them in the morning. To Kate? Why had Kate not mentioned the fact that she had seen Lord Rosslyn? She would have been excited by the encounter. When he had saved her from being trampled underfoot by the crowd, she had clearly been impressed by him and would not, I was sure, forget him easily. But I had been in bed when she came back with Christobel. There had been no opportunity to tell me. But I had presumed that it had been the first time they had visited his lodgings.

  How foolish I was! I seemed to have lost my grip on common sense. There was one way of finding out…I had made up my mind.

  I slipped out of bed and put on a dressing gown.

  I left my bedroom and knocked lightly on Christobel’s door.

  After a pause she said: “Come in.”

  I went in. She started up from her bed. “Sarah?” she said in a startled voice. “Are you ill?”

  “No,” I said. I sat on the bed close to her. “Only puzzled…and anxious.”

  “Why? What has happened?”

  I came straight to the point. I had delayed too long. I said: “I saw you today…I saw you and Kate coming out of Lord Rosslyn’s lodgings.”

  The color suffused her face. She was staring at me in horror. I knew at once that, although I had been trying to convince myself that what I feared was not true, I had been right. Of course I had. I had never really had any doubt of it.

  As she said nothing, I went on: “I was shocked. I could not imagine why you should be taking Kate to visit that man. I should like an explanation.”

  She was staring into space. I saw the fear in her face. She was biting her lips nervously. She looked as though she were trying to come to a decision.

  I said coldly: “You had better tell me. Was it your first visit…or do you make a habit of calling there? Is he a friend of yours…of Kate’s?”

  Still she said nothing.

  “Christobel, I insist that you tell me what is going on.”

  She murmured very quietly: “Perhaps…perhaps you should ask him.”

  I stared at her. “Ask him? I do not see him. I have no wish to see him. Listen, Christobel, you live here…you work for us. I have a right to know where you are taking my daughter. I insist you tell me without delay. I demand to know what you were doing in Lord Rosslyn’s lodgings with my daughter this afternoon.”

  She said, after a pause, speaking very slowly: “I suppose I must tell you. There is nothing else I can do.”

  “Indeed there is not,” I said. “So pray begin.”

  “It…it was Lord Rosslyn who wished me to come here.”

  “What? You are supposed to be the impoverished daughter of gentlefolk seeking a home in exchange for her services as a governess.”

  “That is true. I did need that. It is true, I tell you. And I have been happy here.”

  “So happy that you spent your time tricking us.”

  “It was not like that.”

  “Was it not? When you slyly take my daughter to visit this man and tell me nothing about it.”

  “He arranged for me to come here so that I could look after Kate, give her the education he thought she should have and tell him of her progress.”

  “He has no right.”

  “He thinks he has.”

  “So you are his spy. I cannot believe it. I thought you were so good in every way, and all the time you were spying for him.”

  “No, no, no. That is not so.” She went on: “He cares for Kate. He wants the best for her. He told me that he did not want her to be brought up without a proper education. It was for her he did it.”

  �
��Go on,” I said.

  “My family were in difficulties. His estate is not far from ours. He is a friend of my parents. He said he knew of a suitable post for me. He knew that I must earn some money and was contemplating becoming a governess. He then had this plan. He knew the actress who brought me to your notice.”

  “Rose Dawson,” I said.

  “He would pay me a good salary, because he said you would not be able to give me what I should need. You were not to know of this arrangement, but in return I should tell him about Kate’s progress.”

  I thought to myself: There is no escape from him. I was angry, but on the other hand I felt a faint glow of gratification. He did care about Kate and, after all, she was his child too. He had thought up this elaborate scheme. But then he was a practiced schemer. This was typical of a man who could plan a mock marriage.

  “And you took her to visit him?”

  “This was the third occasion.”

  “And what does Kate think of that?”

  “She is becoming very fond of him. She admires him immensely. She never forgets how he rescued her from that menacing crowd.”

  “And what do you do when you visit his lodgings?”

  “He talks to Kate most of the time.”

  “And all this has been kept secret from me. You have warned Kate not to tell me?”

  She looked uncomfortable. “We thought that if you knew you might stop these visits.”

  “We?”

  “Lord Rosslyn and I.”

  “And Kate? How did you pledge her to secrecy?”

  “We simply both told her that if you knew you might stop the visits, so we would not tell you…just yet.”

  “So you prevailed on her to deceive me?”

  “It is so difficult to explain.”

  “I can believe that. When you are caught spying and deceiving, it is not easy to convince people that what you have done is for the good of everyone concerned.”

  “I wish I could make you understand.”