Unveiling Hope

by Jeannine Allison

  Does this count as gossip even though you’re not here to answer? I hope so. I hope somehow you’re reading this and you’re happy. I hope… I hope for a lot of things. Hope can be a beautiful thing, but I think, ultimately, it’s dangerous.

  Maybe tomorrow will feel different.

  I love you.

  I miss you.

  Forever,

  Sam

  TURNED OUT SIMON AND Sasha had been planning to move out. Apparently they were well aware of how loud they were during sex, and they wanted privacy.

  I should have felt relief, knowing I had a place to live. A safe place with someone I knew. Instead I felt like an idiot. Because in an effort to prove how unaffected by Derek I was, I’d offered to move in with him. I hadn’t been thinking clearly. I didn’t consider what would happen if it actually came to pass.

  It was probably the dumbest thing I’d ever done.

  Right now I was standing in the doorway to my old bedroom one last time, and nerves assaulted me as I wondered if I was making a mistake. Not just by becoming Derek’s roommate, but also by disobeying my father. I wanted to find out who I was and forge my own path, but what if I’d already been doing that? What if this was nothing more than the tantrum he accused me of?

  Stop.

  There would never be a good time to disrupt my life. Something would always feel unbalanced or unsettled. The point wasn’t to feel ready; the point was to do it. To take the plunge and jump without knowing what was below. And that was exactly what I needed to do.

  I wrapped my fingers around my necklace. My mother would have loved me moving on; she would have encouraged it. I felt more settled with that knowledge, knowing I would’ve had her support like I had Gabe’s.

  The sound of my phone ringing snapped me from my thoughts. I walked to my desk to pick it up. “Hey,” I answered softly, not wanting to disturb the constant quiet of our large house.

  “Sam,” John rushed out. “Sorry to call last minute, but I won’t be able to make it out there after all.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes. But unfortunately I’m needed at the office this weekend.”

  “No problem. I understand.”

  He groaned. “You shouldn’t have to. I really am sorry about this.”

  “Honestly John, it’s not a problem. We knew this long-distance thing would be tricky, but we’ll get through it,” I said, hoping he could hear how genuine I was being. When I’d finally told him I was leaving, he’d insisted we still try. Much to Essie’s annoyance, I agreed. There was no need to disrupt every single piece of my life.

  “You’re the best. You know that, right?”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I muttered, to which he laughed.

  “Okay, I have to go. I’ll call you tomorrow?”

  “Sounds good.”

  We both said goodbye and hung up. I set my phone down in front of me, frowning at it. I meant what I said. I wasn’t bothered that he couldn’t fly out. But I was a bit bothered by the fact that I wasn’t bothered. And that since I woke up this morning, almost four hours ago, I hadn’t thought about John once.

  I’d thought about Derek quite a few times.

  I wondered if he knew about John. Gabe obviously knew, but I had no clue if the information had been passed on to anyone other than Alara.

  Rolling my eyes at myself, I walked to my bookshelf. Even if Derek knew, he wouldn’t care. Why would he?

  The only thought he’d have was about how quiet it was going to be given John would only be around every once in a while. I closed my eyes and clutched the book I was holding to my chest. Why couldn’t I let my unrequited teenage crush on Derek go?

  I chuckled when I pulled the book away, noticing which one I was holding. It was one of my favorites and happened to be about an unrequited crush too. Of course the reader knew it was never unrequited; he was just as in love with her. For years he held off, not wanting to upset his brother, not wanting to perpetuate gossip about their age difference. But these characters were famous; there was no chance of any of that happening with Derek. He simply didn’t want me back. And I had to find a way to come to terms with that. With a sigh, I set the book in one of the boxes.

  “You’re really doing this?”

  I tensed at the sound of my father’s voice. I heard him walk in as I continued packing the last of my things.

  “Yes.” I turned to face him. “Even if you hadn’t issued me an ultimatum, I would have done this. It’s time.”

  “Time? You’re only nineteen, Sam. Never had a job. Never had bills or responsibilities. How do you intend to survive when you’re used to getting anything you wanted at the drop of a hat?”

  I took a deep breath to stop from lashing out and making this worse. “That’s not fair. I’ll figure it out just like everyone else does. I’ll get a job. I’ll cut back on—”

  He laughed. “That’s an understatement. You kids don’t realize how much things cost.”

  It would definitely be an adjustment, but I wanted to make it on my own. I needed to.

  “I guess I’ll find out.” I bent down and picked up the last box before moving around him. Stopping in the doorway, I looked back at him. “I don’t want the relationship you and Gabe have. I know you’re mad at me, and I’m definitely mad at you. But we’re still family. I still love you and I want to be able to call you, to stop by… I don’t want to lose another parent,” I finished on a whisper.

  I stood still, my arms aching as I waited for a response. When he still said nothing, I sighed and continued walking. Ever the optimist, I moved slowly, but he never called me back.

  I drove over to Alara and Gabe’s house just like I promised. Even though I could handle moving my stuff in alone—there wasn’t much of it—Gabe insisted on helping. I’d refused to let him come to the house though. He would’ve made that sacrifice for me, but it wasn’t worth the inevitable tension of having my brother and father in the same room.

  I parked the car and fired off a quick text to let him know I was here. A minute later he was out and walking toward me.

  It was just the two of us since Derek and Alara had to work. Convincing my heart that there was nothing between Derek and me was rather difficult when all our friends were in relationships and by default we were paired together.

  “How was it?” Gabe immediately asked after he got in.

  I rolled my eyes. “You couldn’t even wait to put your seat belt on before you ambushed me.”

  “No, I couldn’t. I hate that you were alone with him.”

  I bit my tongue. While I thought Gabe was hard on my dad—he would never physically hurt me—I was aware that their history was probably a lot more complicated than I knew.

  “It was fine.”

  “What’d he say?”

  “The same things he’s been saying. He thinks it’s a mistake. He thinks I can’t make it on my own.” At that Gabe scoffed, and I took a deep breath before continuing. “Gabe, I love you and I understand why you think talking to him is a bad idea, I really do. But I don’t want to be criticized for wanting him in my life.”

  “I wasn’t—”

  “I’m not done,” I cut him off, throwing in a small smile so he knew I wasn’t mad. He gave me a sheepish one in return and nodded. “I want to be able to talk to you about anything, but if you keep making me feel like I’m being stupid or weak for keeping him in my life, I’ll stop. And I don’t want to.”

  “I don’t think you’re stupid or weak.” I quickly looked over to see a hard frown on his face. “I didn’t know I made you feel that way…”

  “I know, and I didn’t expect you to, which is why I’m telling you. You’re just trying to do what’s best for me. But telling me what I should do or how I should do it—”

  “Would make me like him,” my brother finished as I pulled into the parking lot of my new apartment.

  “Yeah.”

  We didn’t say anything else as I pulled into the closest spot I could find and got out o
f the car. Gabe immediately moved around the front and pulled me into a hug. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

  “You’re forgiven.” I held on a couple of seconds longer before backing away with a grin. “And I’m going to let you make it up to me by paying for the Chinese food I’m about to order.”

  He chuckled and opened the trunk. “Go unlock the door and I’ll start bringing stuff up.”

  My smile was wide as I bounded up the steps and stood in front of my new apartment. This wasn’t my first time living somewhere other than the home I’d grown up in. But it was the first time I’d be paying for it. I would have to tap into the savings account my mom set up when I was younger for a month or two, but by then I should have a job.

  Listening to the jingling of Rory’s collar from behind the door, I quickly unlocked it and threw it open. She started jumping around and wagging her tail. Gabe mentioned that she rarely barked because Derek had her trained so well.

  “I forgot how much I love having a dog welcome me home,” I said to the empty apartment as I bent down and rubbed the top of Rory’s head. Her tongue slipped out the side of her mouth as she started panting.

  I wasn’t sure if by some miracle she remembered me, or if she was simply a friendly dog. Either way, I wasn’t complaining.

  Everyone had asked why I got the dog when I knew my father most likely wouldn’t let me keep it. I made some stupid joke about her puppy eyes because I didn’t want to tell them the truth. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was lonely. So damn lonely that any kind of affection—even a slobbery kiss from a dog who was excited you came home—would do.

  I’d moved on to rubbing her belly when Gabe came in and set down the first of the boxes.

  After I shut her in my barren bedroom, we propped the door open and carried the rest of my belongings inside. The Chinese food I’d ordered arrived when we only had a few more trips left.

  When we were done and I opened the door, Rory immediately bounded out in search of someone to pet her. Gabe laughed and gladly did so. I watched on with a smile as I dished out my chicken lo mein and his kung pao beef. We took a seat at the kitchen table and Rory dutifully sat between us, anxiously waiting for us to drop something.

  “That’s one habit Derek couldn’t break,” Gabe said as he pointed his chopsticks down at the dog. “She’s always on the lookout for food.”

  “Does he give her any?”

  “Occasionally. He doesn’t want her to get used to it, and he definitely doesn’t do it when she’s jumping on his leg for it. Usually when she’s given up and is lying down. He tries to reward her for not begging.”

  “That makes sense,” I said with a nod.

  “Sam?” Gabe asked a few minutes later.

  “Yeah?”

  He set down his chopsticks and leaned back. “I’ve been thinking about what you said in the car, and I need to say one more thing before I promise to drop it.”

  “Okay.”

  “Making Dad happy means nothing if you’re miserable, and the only way he’ll be happy is if everything is exactly like he wants it. He doesn’t know how to compromise, Sam. He’s like a dog.” My brother nodded down to Rory. “He’s never grateful for what you’ve given him—he’ll always want more.

  “Family is important, but if he doesn’t feel the same way, what are you saving? Your happiness matters, and if he truly cared about you he’d want you to be happy.”

  He took a deep breath before sighing. “I’m not saying to stop trying. I get that you have to. But don’t hold on for too long. Let go. It doesn’t have to mean you’re abandoning the relationship forever. Just shut the door. You can leave it unlocked for him. You can forgive him and accept him back into your life whenever he wants. But you can’t force it. Sometimes all a person can do is just leave the door unlocked.”

  Gabe gave me a small smile and grabbed one of my hands. “Don’t hold on to the point of pain. If he doesn’t treat you like you deserve, doesn’t love you like you love him, let him go.”

  “Okay. Some rules,” my sister said right before she threw a fry in her mouth. I was finishing up my shift at Pick Your Poison and she was at the bar having lunch.

  “Rules?” I asked with a raised brow, throwing the cleaning rag in the bucket of sanitizer below the bar.

  “Yes. There are rules for living with a girl. Well, for happily living with a girl.”

  “I lived with you and Mom for years.”

  She waved my sentence away. “That’s different. We have to love you. Sam doesn’t.”

  I grunted. Yeah, no one needed to remind me of that fact…

  “One,” she began. “Put the toilet lid down. Two, never ask a girl if she’s on her period just because she’s cranky.” I laughed but Naomi leveled me with a serious look. “Whether she is or isn’t, you’ll regret the question regardless. Seriously don’t do it, unless of course you want to be junk punched, then by all means…” She trailed off and waved her hand at me.

  “I don’t think Sam would junk punch me.” She went to respond but I held up my hand. “But still, I won’t ask.”

  “Three, never tell her she looks tired—that’s code for you look like shit.”

  Naomi continued as I began setting up the bar for the evening shift. I didn’t interrupt her and tell her that I knew most of these things, because that was another thing I’d learned women didn’t like. Some of these rules seemed Naomi-specific, but I still kept quiet. Just smiled and nodded, which apparently was the right response because my sister congratulated me once she finished.

  “Thanks for the lesson. But it’ll be fine.”

  It would be nowhere near fine, but my problems regarding Sam weren’t roommate-related. My main problem was convincing my dick that despite her presence, she wasn’t there for him.

  “All set?” I asked.

  “Yup.” She jumped off the stool and I quickly cleared her area. Then I comped her meal and clocked out. I said a quick goodbye to my boss and led Naomi out the door.

  “Are you heading home?”

  “No, the library.” Naomi shrugged her bag higher on her shoulder. “I have a ton of studying to do.”

  “Good luck.” I pulled her into a quick hug. “And text me when you get home tonight.”

  “Yes, Dad.” She rolled her eyes and walked away. Grinning, I got in my truck and headed home. I usually walked since it only took ten minutes, but I’d had some errands this morning. So it was a quick drive considering the apartment was less than a mile from Pick Your Poison. And before I knew it I was pulling in next to Sam’s car.

  I climbed out and jogged upstairs before pausing outside my front door. Because it was no longer just mine, it was ours. And I liked the sound of that way too much.

  With a deep breath, I unlocked the door and pushed it open. Her music greeted me before I even entered. But when I did, what I saw made my feet come to a grinding halt. My eyes immediately landed on Sam’s ass. She was doing something magical in the living room. Her ass was in the air and wrapped in tight blue yoga pants.

  She was bent forward with her hands on the mat, creating an upside-down V with her body. Between her spread legs I could see her face, eyes closed and taking measured breaths.

  I slowly shut the door so I wouldn’t scare her. But as luck would have it the music track changed at the exact moment the lock clicked.

  “AHH!” she shouted, tumbling forward over her head.

  “Shit.” I rushed forward. “Are you okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah.” She waved away my concern, but she was still sprawled out on the floor.

  “What were you doing?” I asked as I held out a hand to help her up. She took it with a grimace.

  “Yoga. Gabe left a little bit ago and I wanted to unwind.”

  Nodding, I looked over her face. “And you’re sure you’re okay?”

  “Positive.”

  Then we just stood there… staring at each other. Jesus, was it always this awkward with a new roommate?

  Sam’
s brows furrowed in confusion before she glanced down. I followed her gaze.

  Shit.

  I was still holding her hand. Immediately dropping it, I backed up. “I’m gonna take a shower, wash the smell of fried food off me.”

  “Okay.” I’d started to turn away when the look on her face stopped me. “Oh, I almost forgot. Gabe and I ordered Chinese. I wasn’t sure if you already ate, but there’s sweet and sour shrimp in the microwave.”

  I swallowed roughly. Gabe didn’t like seafood and Sam hated sweet and sour, so I knew it wasn’t something left over. Which one of them had remembered it was my favorite? There was no way I could ask without sounding lovestruck. I was sure my stupid face was doing enough of that on its own.

  “Great. Thanks.” I quickly smiled before fleeing down the hall. “I’ll grab it after my shower.”

  The thought of sweet and sour shrimp shouldn’t have had me wrapping my hand around my cock, but that was exactly what happened the second I was under the spray of water. My head fell forward and one of my hands was curled into a fist against the wall.

  When I stepped out of the shower ten minutes later, I felt fucking pathetic. I couldn’t even make it through one evening of her being here before I had to rub one out.

  I came out and grabbed the food before taking it to the couch. Sam was still on the floor but I was pretty sure she was just stretching because she looked relaxed.

  “What are you doing back here?” I asked. She raised her eyebrows and I quickly shook my head, realizing how that sounded. “I mean… I just meant I wasn’t sure you’d return.”

  I took a large bite as she shrugged. “Ivy League wasn’t for me. I missed… I missed home.”

  I tried not to read too much into the fact that she stumbled over what she missed. Was I part of the home she missed?

  Giving myself a good mental slap, I pushed that thought from my mind. She had a boyfriend. Speaking of… where was he? I’d yet to see him or hear anything of his whereabouts. I was positive Gabe said he was flying in to help.

  Sam and I had never discussed him, but we might as well get it out of the way. “So where’s your boyfriend?”