It was fate when we were happy, but misfortune when we were sad.
We got angry about lies and hidden truths, but in reality no one wanted the truth. Not if it was painful. Or terrifying.
We asked this ugly world for beautiful lies, while our fears told us lies that our hearts eagerly believed.
Because lies protected us. They gave us hope.
But I was sick of hope. It was too damn cruel.
When I reached the house I got a text from my father, saying that he was running a few minutes late. I didn’t respond to it as I let myself in, noting that the staff appeared to be off for the day, and stood in the entryway.
My feet slowly took me to the room I hadn’t stepped in since my mother’s death. Our white piano sat proudly in the middle of the room. The last sheets of music I’d played for her were still on display, waiting for someone to bring them to life.
I carefully sat down and rested my good hand on the keys. I couldn’t bring myself to play a single note. Instead I closed the lid, hiding the keys from view. I didn’t know how long I sat like this, but it was enough time for me to start crying.
“She loved this room.”
I jumped at the sound of my dad’s voice, then immediately winced. Based on how much my ribs were hurting it was probably time for more painkillers. Quickly wiping away my tears, I stood up to face him.
“I’m sorry I’m late,” he said as he stepped forward and wrapped me in a hug.
I shrugged and halfheartedly returned it. “It’s nothing new.” I wasn’t saying it to be cruel, but I didn’t have it in me to make him feel better. It was his job to comfort me, and even though I wasn’t holding my breath for it, I certainly wasn’t going to participate in our usual role reversal.
When he pulled away and I got a good look at him, the expression on his face nearly knocked me backward. He appeared… concerned. His brows were furrowed and his lips were set in a stubborn line, signs I recognized as him being overcome with emotions.
“I was meeting with the judge on your case. He’s a friend of a friend.”
My head snapped back, and just like with every other sudden movement, it hurt like a bitch. But I barely registered it over my shock. “You did? Why?”
“I wanted to make sure those two animals got the maximum sentence.” My father cleared his throat, and I swore I saw the tiniest hint of pink hit his cheeks. It was so unlike him. “I know you think I don’t care about you and your brother, and I know I’ve given you reason to think that, but I do. I’m not…” He trailed off and stuck his fingers in the neck of his shirt.
The anger that had been festering all day was retreating. All these little gestures told me more than his words. He was so embarrassed and uncomfortable, two traits he hated displaying.
“I’m not a good father,” he admitted softly. “I don’t know how to be one and I don’t think I was meant to.”
I stayed silent even though I wanted to tell him I thought it was a cop-out. That he could have been—and could still be—a good father if he only tried.
“But it’s not because I don’t care,” he continued. “I don’t agree with your choices and I struggle to accept them, but I want to try and be better.”
He looked into my eyes and smiled. “Will you let me?”
And just like that the floodgates opened. My father pulled me against his chest as I cried. Most were tears of emotion, while some came from the physical pain of crying. My lip still ached and the way my body shook with the force of my sobs did nothing to alleviate the pain in my ribs.
Slowly, my breathing returned to normal. Once I composed myself, I pulled away and answered him. “Yes, of course.”
It was a surreal moment. Even more so when he took me into the kitchen and dished up lunch—one of my favorites from childhood. “The housekeeper made it all so don’t be too impressed,” he joked.
But I was. Maybe it made me foolish, but I was.
We ate and then talked for hours. About Mom, Gabe, school, John, Derek… everything.
I explained to him that just because I did well in school, didn’t mean I enjoyed it or wanted to continue. I told him that John was nice and safe but not for me. I told him that Derek had skeletons in his closet but he was perfect for me. I told him how Derek heard me in silence and saw the demons I hid so well. He truly knew me.
The conversation lasted well into the night, and when I left the only person I wanted to tell was Derek because he would understand. He would get how monumental this felt, that all my attempts to connect with my father weren’t in vain.
But I couldn’t call him. I still couldn’t talk to the one person I wanted most.
Today was supposed to be our audition.
I wondered if Sam was thinking about it. I wondered if there was the same sinking sensation in her chest. It felt as if my heart knew it should be somewhere else—but that wasn’t a new feeling. I’d felt that pain ever since Sam walked out.
My fingers were lightly strumming, playing the song I should have been performing with Sam, when my phone rang.
It was embarrassing how fast I moved. Disappointment washed over me when I saw a coworker’s name on the screen. Any name other than Sam’s would have elicited the same response.
With a sigh, I answered. He quickly told me he was sick and needed me to cover his shift. I eagerly agreed, anything to get my mind off Sam and what today should have been.
It was the most uncomfortable shift in the history of the world. Four full hours of hell.
Mickey, our boss, was still grooming Gabe to take over the bar, which meant Gabe was in charge. So every time a toilet was clogged or the floor needed to be scrubbed or a spill needed to be cleaned, I was called to do it. I couldn’t blame him. He was Sam’s older brother and if this had happened to Naomi, I’d probably react even worse. But he’d also been my friend. And knowing he could so easily write me off stung.
I finished my shift and passed him by without a word. Then I stopped short and thought about it. I hadn’t approached him once since he’d punched me, and wasn’t that just as bad?
Despite the likelihood of him laying me out again, I turned around and approached him. He was sitting at the bar, balancing the books between shifts.
“Hey.”
Unsurprisingly, he ignored me.
“How is she?” I tried again. When he still didn’t respond, I sighed and walked away.
“Love isn’t always enough,” Gabe called out. I stopped and looked back at him. He was staring at me with so much hate. “Even if you do love her,” he continued. “Which I’m still not convinced of.”
“How can you honestly believe I wanted any of this to happen? That I’d want her hurt?”
He shook his head and turned back to his work. “I don’t know what to believe. All I know is she’s hurt because of you, and there’s nothing you can say that would make me forgive you. She won’t either. Sam may have left you with hope, but that’s what she does. She’s been doing that to my father for years because she’s too nice to tell the truth.”
My heart sank. He was right. Sam did exactly that.
I left the bar and got in my car. But I didn’t start it up right away. I wasn’t sure where to go. I hated being in my apartment. Every corner was filled with memories of Sam, and I wanted to avoid it as much as I could.
Looking at the clock, I remember Naomi telling me she’d be home soon, so I drove to her house.
When I got there, I parked the car and stepped out on autopilot. Only when I reached the front door did I realize the Damien’s car was in the driveway. He was never home during the day.
Very quietly I put the key in the lock and turned until it clicked. I pushed it open and shut it softly. I listened for Damien but heard nothing. Then there was a bang and some cursing beyond the closed bedroom door.
Suddenly it flung open, and Damien darted out before slamming it shut.
I stood frozen at the sight before me: Damien in nothing but a pair of boxers. He was
clutching a pair of pants and looked generally disheveled.
What the fuck?
“What the fuck?” I said out loud.
“Shit!” Damien flinched. “You scared me, Derek. What are you doing here?” He threw a quick, nervous glance over his shoulder.
Wait…
He was at home when he shouldn’t be. Half-naked. Coming from the bedroom. Jumpy at being caught.
“Are you screwing around on my sister?” Rage flowed through me, and I was three seconds away from beating his ass into the ground.
“What?” he asked, startled and completely confused. “No. Absolutely not. She’s…” Sighing, he ran a hand through his hair.
“You only have three seconds to open that door and show me what’s behind it.” His reaction had been genuine, but there was no way I was walking away without seeing for myself.
Damien reached behind and shoved the door open. Out ran a…
“Is that a Lab?”
“Yeah,” he said as a black Lab jumped in circles around me.
I looked up at Damien. “Why do you have a dog?”
“It’s a surprise for Naomi. But she peed on me.” He held up his pants as proof.
Letting out a breath of relief, I slumped against the couch. “Dude, I seriously thought you were fooling around on her.”
“That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
I raked my hands through my hair. “I’m not sure of anything anymore.”
He frowned and nodded in sympathy. “Let me change and we can talk.”
After disappearing into the bedroom for a few minutes and then throwing in a load of laundry, he joined me at the kitchen table. The puppy had fallen asleep in the middle of the room.
“It’s probably a stupid question, but how are you doing?”
“Oh you know, terrible.” I smiled sadly. “Honestly I just want to think about something else, anything else for a few minutes.”
Damien nodded, his brows dipped in contemplation. He sat up straighter, coming to a conclusion. “I have something. It won’t make you feel better, but it’ll distract you.”
My lips dipped down. “Okay…”
“I got the puppy as a surprise because Naomi has been down lately.”
“She hasn’t said anything to me.”
“She hasn’t told anyone. We’ve kept it between us, and I hope she doesn’t mind me telling you. I don’t think she will. She needs to be able to talk to someone other than me.”
Heart pounding, I asked, “What is it?”
“We’ve been trying to get pregnant.” He didn’t say anything else; he just dropped the words like the bomb they were and waited until I could absorb them. “We know it’s not the best timing, that we have a lot going on, but after seeing Ellie with Andy and your mom getting ready for her child, she got excited.”
“It’s only been a couple months though, right? I don’t know much about it, but it doesn’t always happen right away, does it?”
He shook his head. “But you know your sister. She wanted to get it checked out anyway.”
“Okay, you’re starting to freak me out.”
“She has endometriosis. It can make conception difficult.”
“Jesus… why hasn’t she said anything?”
Damien lifted an eyebrow like it was a stupid question. And okay—it was, but she had to know I would be pissed she didn’t tell me sooner.
“She didn’t want to worry anyone until we knew more.”
He sighed and stared at the puppy, whose feet were twitching as she slept. “This was probably a dumb idea. A dog can’t replace a kid.”
“You underestimate my sister’s love of fluffy things.” We both smiled at my words. “Besides, all she’s going to care about is that you’re trying to make her feel better. When you grow up with an absent father and a mother who reaches for a needle more than your hand, all you want is to be chosen. To be thought about and cared for.”
I cleared my throat and looked down at the table. Damien and I had never had a conversation like this before, and while it shouldn’t embarrass me, it did.
“Thanks.” He kept his eyes averted too. “It hurts. I live by a simple idea: if Naomi wants it, she gets it. And I really don’t care if anyone thinks it’s lame or that I’m whipped. To me that’s what love looks like. I want to give her everything. And it kills me that I can’t give this to her.”
I remembered what he said about guilt, and I understood a little better now. I didn’t even know what endometriosis was, and I wanted to find a way to fix it.
Damien told me what else he knew about it, which wasn’t much, and then he asked me to leave before Naomi came home. “I don’t think she’ll mind that I told you, but I want a chance to discuss it with her first. I know it’s a lot to ask—”
“I get it,” I cut him off. “Just make sure she knows I want to talk as soon as she’s ready.”
“Will do. Thanks for stopping by.”
I waved before getting in my car. Damien disappeared inside, and even though I knew I had to get going, I just sat there. Because my sister was sick, and I didn’t understand enough yet to not be afraid. And the only person I wanted to see right now was Sam.
But I couldn’t call her. I couldn’t talk to the one person I needed most.
I WAS MOPING. I knew it and didn’t care.
It had been over a month since I’d seen or spoken to Sam. Christmas and New Year’s Eve passed, the days taunting me with the knowledge that it would have been our first. Work continued to be miserable and Gabe kept on hating me.
I messed up orders, snapped at coworkers, and generally delivered crappy service. Other than work, home, and my mother’s house on Sunday, I went nowhere else. Saw no one else.
The only bright spot was knowing my sister was okay. She and Damien were sad for a bit, but instead of staying that way they grew determined. I was grateful for it.
Except when it meant Naomi was banging on my door, demanding that my “sad, sorry ass” let her in. With a sigh, I paused my video game and walked to the door. I flipped the lock and went back to the couch. Naomi quickly entered before Rory could run out.
“Hey, loser,” she greeted as she bent down to pet the dog who was sniffing her leg.
“What are you doing here?”
“It’s my turn for Derek watch.”
I frowned. “I’m not a child.”
“You’re acting like one.” She tossed her bag on the chair and went to the kitchen. When she came back she had a water bottle and a Pop-Tart. “So, have you seen Sam lately?”
“Subtle.”
“I wasn’t trying to be.”
I shook my head and picked up my whiskey on the table, draining it in one gulp. “Nope. Not in weeks. It’s for the best.”
“For who? Because I think your liver would disagree right now.”
“We never should have gotten together. She knew it. I knew it. We all did. It was only a matter of time before something pulled us apart. She deserves better than me. It’s time I accept the truth.”
“What truth?” Naomi asked with a frown. I couldn’t look at her lovesick face anymore, so I grabbed my controller and started playing again.
“That just because I’m in love with her, doesn’t mean I’m good for her. It doesn’t mean we’re meant to be together,” I said. Before I even finished Naomi was moving in front of the TV, causing my character to die.
“What the hell?”
My sister rolled her eyes. “Get over yourself. If you really want something, you find a way to keep it. If you don’t, you find reasons to leave it. Destiny is what you make it. And if you’re not willing to fight for Sam then you’re right, you don’t deserve her. She deserves someone who isn’t a coward.”
“A coward?”
“Yes.” Naomi moved closer and put her hands on her hips. “Because despite everything, despite how protective you are of your loved ones, despite the fact you’ve fought people twice your size… deep down you’re stil
l the same scared little boy who wouldn’t give his all because you were scared it wouldn’t be enough. You’re still that boy standing at the end of our driveway, holding your guitar and waiting for Dad to come back.”
She pulled at her hair, more frustrated than I’d seen her in a while. “You gave up your music, and for what? For him? He didn’t deserve to be in our thoughts for even a second. Yet you let him stop you from playing music for years.”
I sat frozen as she continued to lay into me. “You are terrified to finally have everything you want.” Naomi’s voice shook with emotion.
“You know why you finally went after Sam last year? Because there was something standing in your way. The only reason you showed interest was because she had a boyfriend. It was safer that way. You could tease her and joke about wanting her, all without putting your feelings on the line.” My sister shrugged. “Because hey, if Sam said no, it was because she had a boyfriend, not because she wasn’t interested in you.”
Sitting up straighter, I glared at my sister. “This wasn’t because she was something forbidden—”
“I know you love her. I have no doubts about that.”
“So what?” I asked, my blood pounding through my veins. “You’re saying I wanted this to happen? That I wanted Sam to get hurt so she’d push me away?” I stared at my sister like I didn’t know her, because right now I didn’t.
“No, of course not. But you kept up this lifestyle. You had to know it would end badly. You probably assumed you’d only hurt yourself. But that’s the thing about relationships and loving someone. What hurts you, hurts them. You can’t spiral down without taking others with you. That’s how it works. You create a gravitational field that pulls everyone along. Whether you like it or not.”
I deflated, my anger leaving as quickly as it came. Hadn’t Sam said something similar? That she needed me to care about myself?
“I never thought about it that way,” I said softly.
“I know,” Naomi said, finally coming to sit down next to me. “You were forced to take care of Mom and me for so long, and we never told you how much we needed you. We took you for granted and you probably felt like we didn’t need you, but we did. We still do. And we never stopped to make sure you were taking care of yourself.” Tears filled her eyes. “Because you’re my big brother and you’re supposed to be invincible.”
Unveiling Hope Page 22