“I tried to be,” I said sadly.
“But you’re not. You’re human just like everyone else, and we never told you it was okay. That you could ask us for help. That because of you, we could be strong enough to take care of you now that you needed us.” Naomi shook her head and finally started crying.
“You want to give Sam all of you, right? You want her to feel safe and secure with you?”
More than anything.
My laugh was forced and filled with sadness. “Is that even possible now?” I asked, fearful I already knew the answer. Hell fucking no.
“Yes,” Naomi said fiercely, tears clinging to her eyelashes. “Sam is in love with you. Not the kind that walks away. I know love isn’t always enough,” she said, reminding me of the painful things Gabe had said. “But sometimes it is. And I truly believe you and Sam have that kind of love. No one has ever questioned whether you love her—and Gabe doesn’t count right now. He has tunnel vision at the moment,” she added when it looked like I was going to interrupt.
“We all know how much this is killing you. You just need to ask yourself, do you love Sam enough to put aside your fears? To accept you deserve the world and everything you want in it?”
Solemnly, I nodded. “I’d do anything for her.”
“Well that’s not going to happen from your couch. So stop feeling sorry for yourself and get your shit together.”
Naomi nodded, like it was all settled. And for the first time in weeks, I smiled. “You’re kind of the best, you know that?”
“Of course.” She kicked her feet up on our coffee table. “Now, turn this video game shit off. What movie are we gonna watch?”
My thoughts were racing a mile a minute, panicked whisperings about how Sam would never forgive me and all this would be in vain, as I climbed the steps.
But it wasn’t. I was doing this for me. I had to or else it would never last.
I wiped my sweaty palms against my jeans as I stepped out of the registrar’s office. Carillo University didn’t have a huge music program, but this was a start. I looked down at my schedule with only two classes and smiled.
I was officially a college student.
Folding the paper and sliding it in my back pocket, I walked toward Pick Your Poison. I had the day off but now that I was enrolled in school, I’d need a work schedule that accommodated it.
I blinked away the spots of sunshine after I stepped inside and said hello to the hostess. It was three o’clock on a Saturday and the bar was dead. I’d thought Gabe was working today but I didn’t see him anywhere. I wasn’t sure why I looked—he still wasn’t talking to me.
Resigned, I walked down the hall until I reached Mickey’s office. It was slightly ajar, so I knocked lightly and stuck my head in.
“Hey, Mickey, I—” I stopped short when I saw Gabe sitting behind his desk.
He looked up from a stack of papers. “Yes?”
“I need to talk to Mickey about the schedule. Do you know when he’ll be around?”
“Later. But you can talk to me, I’ve been creating the schedule for the past couple weeks.”
Huh, that explained my limited shifts with him.
“I signed up for two classes at the university, and I need a block put on my schedule for those days.”
Gabe’s eyes lit up with curiosity, but he said nothing about it. He just asked for the times and sent me on my way. I paused in the doorway and looked back at him.
“I’m sorry,” I said. His pen froze but his head stayed bent. “I’ll be sorry for the rest of my life. Sorry she got hurt and sorry I broke your trust. But despite what you believe, I do love her. I love her more than I thought possible. And I love her enough to deal with you hating me for the rest of our lives. You can forgive me or not, but that won’t change the fact that I’m going to win her back.”
I didn’t wait to see if he’d respond. I was done waiting. He had every right to his anger, but I couldn’t let this guilt drown me anymore. It wouldn’t help.
Stepping outside, I looked down the street toward my car before I realized there was one more stop I had to make. In my opinion it was pretty damn impressive I’d waited this long to seek Sam out. More than a month since I’d seen her with only Naomi’s updates to go by, and I was going crazy.
Shoving my hands into my coat pockets, I walked toward Caffeine IV down and across the street.
I stepped inside and searched for her. The tables were half-filled, which wasn’t unusual for a Saturday afternoon. My lips dipped down in a frown when I couldn’t find her. I looked outside and confirmed her car was there.
“She’s in the back.” I jumped at the sound of her boss’s voice.
“Oh.” I shifted nervously on my feet. I’d met Kath a couple of times before because this shop was Alara’s favorite, and she’d always been friendly. Today she seemed a little colder, but also curious, like maybe there was more to the story. There wasn’t. And I’d bet anything this type of woman would guard Sam like a pit bull.
“It was good to see you.” I nodded to the older woman before walking out the door.
I only made it a few feet when she called me back. “She wouldn’t tell me the particulars. Just that she was hurt and you two were taking some time apart, and somehow those two things were connected.”
Those words felt like a sucker punch.
“That’s correct.”
She cocked her head to the side and stared at me so intently I started to fidget. Then she nodded, coming to some kind of conclusion. “C’mon in. I’ll grab her. She’s due for a break.”
“I don’t know if she wants to see me…” I admitted.
“She definitely does.”
“Sam said that?”
“No, but I can tell just by looking at her. She’s a girl with a broken heart.”
I stopped walking and frowned. “You sound happy about it.”
The older woman turned to face me and raised her eyebrows. “You are here to put it back together, aren’t you?”
“I’m here to try.”
She smiled wide. “Then yes, I’m happy. Now have a seat right there and I’ll go grab our girl.”
My palms were sweating again, but this time it was ten times worse than when I stood outside the college. Swallowing nervously, I started rearranging the sugar in its holder.
Her boss seemed awfully optimistic about how Sam felt, and some of that positive energy flowed through me.
That was when I realized Gabe was wrong about Sam. She didn’t give people hope because she was too nice not to. She did it because she genuinely believed in the people she loved. Without conditions and with all their flaws.
I walked out and found Derek sitting at a table. Kath was smiling down at him, acting like this was normal.
Before they saw me, I quickly about-faced and bolted back into the kitchen. My back hit the door, my heart pounding and my breathing choppy.
What was he doing here?
I hadn’t seen or heard from him in over a month. I wanted to reach out to him so many times, but fear held me back. My fears ranged from plausible—wondering if he was still fighting—to ridiculous—could he be seeing someone else?
Our relationship was so fragile and I didn’t know if I was ready to face it all again.
My eyes landed on the dirty dishes in the sink. I started cleaning them, hoping they’d serve as a distraction until Derek was gone.
I was scrubbing a blender when Kath walked in and said, “There’s a young man here to see you.” My hand slipped and moved deeper into the water, unfortunately catching on a knife at the bottom.
“Shit!” I quickly lifted my hand out and grabbed some towels.
“Oh dear. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to give you a fright.”
“It’s okay, Kath.” I hissed when I dabbed the paper against the cut. “It’s not deep.”
“Let me help.” She scurried out before quickly returning with a first-aid kit.
We were silent as she cleaned
the injury. My eyes were focused on the cut, but I could feel her eyes darting between it and me.
“What’s going on in that head of yours?” she asked.
I started to bite my lip but hesitated—a habit from it being busted up for weeks even though it was healed now. “I’m scared to go out there. To see him.”
She was silent for a minute before asking, “Why?”
“What if fighting is a bigger part of his life than I realized? What if he’ll miss it and want to go back?”
“Do you really think he will?” she asked, eyes still focused on my hand.
“No,” I said softly. “It’s scary to think he could though.”
“There are lots of possibilities out there, dear. You can’t live in fear of them all. Besides, you know what they say: everything you want is just on the other side of fear.”
I shook my head. “I don’t get that. What’s wrong with being cautious? Why are we always told to takes risks? When we’re kids, we’re taught to look both ways before crossing the street, to never trust strangers, to always walk home with a buddy, and yada yada yada. The entirety of childhood is based on making us fear the world—it’s ingrained in us to protect ourselves.”
Kath nodded, thinking it over. “That’s all true. Bodies break—sometimes irrevocably so, and we need to protect them. They’re fragile and life is fleeting. Precious.”
I nodded, satisfied my point was made until she said, “But hearts aren’t. Hearts are strong. Resilient. They may break, but if you let them they’ll always find a way to heal. That’s why we take those risks—our hearts can handle it.”
“I hope that’s true,” I said quietly. “Because I also don’t think I can stay away from him for much longer. I’m too weak.”
She finished wrapping my hand but stopped me before I could leave. “I’ve only known you for a few months and even I could see a change in you. He’s made you stronger. You’re not weak if you forgive him.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I smiled and she lightly patted my cheek.
“Now, go. Before he thinks I snuck you out the back. I’ll clean the rest up.”
“Thanks, Kath.”
I paused just inside the doors, taking a deep breath before stepping through them. My eyes found Derek’s immediately.
He was staring right at the door, almost burning a hole through it. I watched his shoulders slump and his face relax, relief washing over him.
I slowly wove around tables until I was standing beside him. He hadn’t taken his eyes off me. “Hi.”
Derek swallowed roughly. “Hey.”
“Sorry it took so long.” I held up my hand. “I accidentally cut myself and—”
Brows furrowed, he immediately stood up. His chair clattered to the floor behind him, but he barely noticed. Derek’s hand cradled mine. “Are you okay?”
I nodded. Unable to speak, unable to breathe because he was touching me for the first time in a month.
You didn’t truly realize how much you missed someone until they were standing right in front of you.
When he saw that I was frozen, he pulled his hand away and ran it through his hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to grab you like that.” Trying to hide his embarrassment, he picked up his chair and took a seat.
“Do you want something to drink or eat?”
That got a small smile out of him. “No, Sam. I already have what I came here for.”
“Oh.” I tucked a loose strand of hair behind my ear before taking a seat.
“You look better,” he said softly.
“I am. The cast came off last week. And everything else is slowly healing.”
An awkward silence hung over us, and we both looked down at the table. I watched his hands twitch, like he wanted to reach out to me but was holding himself back.
I hated the tension between us. It felt wrong. Even when we had just started becoming friends, it was never this uncomfortable.
“I’m glad you stopped by.”
He glanced up. “You are?”
“Yeah. I’ve… it’s been hard. Not being able to talk to you. To tell you when something amazing happened.”
Derek leaned forward and his eyes lit up, already excited for me even though he didn’t know what I was going to say. “What happened?”
“My dad invited Gabe, Alara, and me over for Christmas.” His eyes widened. “Yeah. It was a shock and it took some pouting and guilt-tripping but eventually, with Alara’s help, Gabe agreed.”
“And it wasn’t horrible?”
“No, it was…” I paused, tears filling my eyes. “It was good, given the circumstances anyway. We only stayed for two hours but it was a start.”
“That’s really good to hear, Sam.” I nodded and another lull fell over the table, but he was quick to fill it. “My mom’s good. She’s in the homestretch, only two more weeks until delivery.” He laughed. “Poor Mark looks ready to collapse every time I see him.”
“This is his first?”
“Yeah. He never thought he’d have children. Which is crazy because if anyone deserves them, it’s him. He’s been so good to my mom.”
“It seems like he has.”
We both nodded. I wanted to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all. I couldn’t believe how hard it was to talk to him. Maybe it was because we weren’t actually saying anything of consequence.
It was like we were in a room with a dead body, and instead of discussing it we were talking about the decor.
Derek shifted and I panicked, blurting out, “Don’t go!” I cringed at the desperation in my voice.
But he didn’t tease; instead he gave me a soft smile, and his eyes filled with affection. “I’m not.” He tilted to the right and pulled something out of his back pocket. “I was grabbing this.” He held up a folded piece of paper. Then he smoothed the creases and slid it over to me.
My eyes moved over the words, unable to believe what I was seeing. A wide smile spread across my face once I did. “Derek,” I breathed. “This is amazing.”
“Thanks.” I looked up in time to see him blush. “I know it’s not a huge deal—”
“It is, Derek. It’s a very big deal.” I averted my eyes so he couldn’t see my tears. It was stupid to get so worked up over it. But he couldn’t have any idea what this meant to me. To see him going after a passion I was convinced he’d abandoned.
“It’s because of you, you know. I would have been content to spend the rest of my life working at the bar. But it wouldn’t have filled my soul the way singing does.”
He paused and whispered, “Sam.” I chanced a glance up, and with our eyes locked he continued. “When I found you in that alley…” His eyes filled with tears, and he had to clear his throat and look away. “That was the worst moment of my life. Not just one of them, but literally the worst moment of my life.”
I reached across and grabbed his hand with my uninjured one, which brought his eyes back to me. “And you were right. I didn’t care what happened to me, not like I should have. I’m not convinced anyone would be good enough for you, but at the very least you deserve a man who will give you the best version of himself he can.”
Swallowing roughly, I tightened my hold on his hand. “What are you saying?”
“I’m going to be that man for you. One you’re proud to be with. I’ll make sure you never regret giving me another chance.”
TWO WEEKS AGO I left Sam at Caffeine IV after declaring my intentions to win her back.
I could tell she was still leery. And while it broke my heart, I understood. So we’d been taking it slow.
I sent her a text every morning and called her at the end of every day. That was as slow as I could go, and she didn’t seem to mind.
We talked about everything, from stupid and predictable—the weather—to serious—her attack. I also brought up our audition, telling her how sorry I was that we missed it. Sam told me how she’d felt everything was ripped away from her. I promised her we’d keep going.
The next
night I’d sent her a list of all the auditions I could find in the area. She’d laughed and the sound was—every bit of pun intended—music to my ears.
But not seeing her in fourteen days was brutal; we’d already been apart for a little more than a month.
Luckily, I had plenty to keep me occupied. I’d started my classes a week ago and was helping my mom with some last-minute errands before her life changed forever.
And before I knew it I was receiving a panicked phone call from Mark in the middle of a double shift, telling me my mother was in labor. I’d told him I could find a way to leave, but he insisted I stay and come by when I finished. I couldn’t do much but wait anyway, so I finished the rest of my six-hour shift.
As soon as it ended, I headed to the hospital and discovered she’d given birth.
I laughed as soon as I entered the room. It was covered in flowers, making the bunch I brought look pitiful in comparison.
“You really outdid yourself, Mark.”
“It was the least I could do,” he murmured. His gaze was focused on my mom and new sister, completely reverent. “I was damn near worthless. She did all the work.”
My mom looked up at me. “Oh, those are beautiful, Derek.” She handed the baby over to Mark, who looked only mildly petrified.
“They’ll probably get lost in all this,” I said with a smile as I walked forward.
“Nonsense. Set them here.” She patted the table right next to her bed. It currently housed a large display of white roses. “Mark bought those flowers for your sister.” My mom smiled as I arranged my smaller bouquet beside them.
I turned toward the bed and grabbed her hand. “You look beautiful.”
“Hardly. I feel like death.” She flashed me a tired smile. “Thanks for coming.”
“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.” I smiled as the baby let out a high-pitched wail.
“Oh no. What’d I do?” Mark’s terrified eyes looked up and flew between us.
Unveiling Hope Page 23