Eyes of a Stanger

by Rachel Ann Nunes

  Tears fell down Tawnia’s cheek. She looked at Autumn, whose face was also a river of wet. Tawnia leaned her head toward her sister’s, their cheeks touching, their tears mingling.

  “This is the happiest day of my life,” Autumn whispered. “How would you feel about changing your name to Spring?”

  Tawnia choked out a laugh, her anger at Dr. Loveridge seeping away. “You can call me anything you want.” Their linked hands tightened.

  BervaDee watched them for several long seconds before she dropped another bomb. “Kendall wrote a letter for her baby to read when she was of age.” Her voice was calm, but her eyes were intense, showing clearly that she knew what this would mean to them. “Not every agency encouraged that in those days, but I did. Unfortunately, she went into labor early and I never got the letter to pass on to Tawnia’s parents.”

  “What happened to it?” Tawnia asked eagerly. “What did it say?” Surely the older woman wouldn’t bring it up if she didn’t at least know the contents.

  BervaDee smiled serenely as she stood and walked to the bookcase against the far wall. There, she picked up a rectangular pewter box, the lid raised in an intricate flower and leaf design. She brought it over to the girls. “I found the letter in here after Dr. Loveridge died.”

  Tawnia’s hand trembled as she took the outstretched box. It was heavier than she expected, and the inside was lined with black velvet. A single thick blue envelope lay on the black velvet, the outside decorated with stickers and hearts drawn with multicolored markers, now faded with age.

  Emotions swelled inside Tawnia, each demanding expression: anger, betrayal, excitement, hope. A letter from her mother. Her eyes met Autumn’s, whose face mirrored her own feelings. No, from their mother. She lifted her head toward BervaDee. “Why would he keep this from us? Why would you?”

  BervaDee’s eyes glistened with tears. “After I read it, I decided not to send it to your parents. Probably for the same reason Dr. Loveridge didn’t. But now that I know you are twins, I realize the decision for him was not as simple as I’d thought. Whether I agree with him or not, I believe he did what he felt was best for all of you.”

  Tawnia lifted the letter and took out the many pages of tiny, neat handwriting. Had their mother always written so beautifully, or had she rewritten the letter several times to get it just right? Unfolding the pages, she moved it over so Autumn could also drink in the words. BervaDee sat again in her chair, watching them with a smile on her lips.

  • • •

  To my Daughter,

  I’m writing so you will know a little of what happened in my past and how you came to be where you are today. I have put off writing this letter, though Mrs. Mendenhall has been after me for weeks. She says it’s best before the baby comes.

  I want to start at the beginning, or almost, because as bad as some of it has been, everything that happened has also led to much good. And even if I hope I’ll be able to tell you about it someday, I might not remember everything the way it really was, so I’ve decided to write it all down in this letter.

  I left my mother’s house when I was fifteen. I was happy to leave. I would never have to see her or her drunken boyfriends again. I wouldn’t have to run from my bed in the middle of the night. I found a job as a waitress in a little café. A dump, really, but the tips were good because a lot of truckers came in. They flirted with me, but Russ, my boss kept them away if they got too friendly. He and his wife, Suzy, let me sleep in the kitchen for two weeks until I’d earned enough to pay for a tiny apartment. I tried not to think about my mother.

  Sometimes after the lunch rush, I went behind the café and spread a blanket under a tree and sat there and read books I got from the bookmobile. In school I hated reading. They make you read the wrong books, so it’s amazing anyone likes reading at all. I hope you love to read. The books I like best are the romances where the girls are firefighters or pilots or doctors. The girls take care of themselves, even though there’s a cute guy in their life. The romance is better than in real life. Safer. Cleaner. Much cleaner. I would like to have that kind of romance someday. But not until I’m older.

  Russ and Suzy became my friends, and I felt guilty for lying to them about my age. Sometimes I’d wonder if my mom ever thought of me, if she noticed that I left the bear she gave me for my fifteenth birthday. After what happened to me that night, I wanted her to know I was too old for stuffed animals.

  After a few weeks I got sick. At first it was just a few hours, and then all the time. I thought I was allergic to the grease or that I had a disease or something. I tried to hide it, but Suzy found me throwing up in the bathroom and said I must be pregnant. She made me take a test, and it was positive! I’ve never been so scared in my life. Well, except two other times back at home.

  I didn’t know what to do, so I went home and told my mother. The house was messier than before, and her boyfriend was gone. She didn’t look good, and when I told her about you, she laughed at me and said it served me right, that I should have known better.

  I lost it big time. I yelled and told her it was her fault. She’d left me alone with him. I HATED that he came into my room and did those things to me. She slapped my face and said it was my fault he’d left her and that I should be ashamed to cause her so much pain. If I was going to have a brat that was my business, but she didn’t want any part of it. That it would be better to have an abortion. I think she was telling me she wished she’d aborted me. At the time I wished she had, too.

  I did go to the abortion clinic, but I knew right away that I couldn’t hurt you. None of this was your fault. I prayed every night for something good to happen. Then I realized that a baby is good and that I could make a life for you. I could love you, and you would love me. As long as we had each other, what more did we need?

  Suzy took me to see a doctor in Portland—Dr. Loveridge. I was really nervous, but he didn’t touch me anywhere that made me feel scared, and Suzy was there the entire time. He talked to me about adoption, but there was no way I was going to do that! I could take care of my own child. I did agree to go to his mothering classes, even though I had to take a bus to get there. I wanted to be a good mother. Some of the girls at the mothering classes were planning to have their babies adopted, but I hurt even to think about it.

  Pretty soon I wasn’t so sick anymore, but I started to get really fat. I didn’t have money, so I left my pants unzipped and strung a rubber band through the buttonhole to make them fit. I was afraid to ask for government help because they might make me go back to my mother.

  I didn’t go to doctor appointments, though they told me I could get them free. I’d heard that they talked a lot about adoption at the appointments, and I didn’t want to think about that. I did take vitamins from the health food store near the mothering classes. The owner, Summer Rain, gave all the girls from the mothering classes half price.

  Then I had a visit from my mother. She tracked me down at the café. It was busy and there was a lot of noise, but she marched up and said she needed to talk to me. Out behind the café, she told me she was sorry for everything and that she was getting help. I felt stunned! I hadn’t heard her talk like that since I was a kid. She said I could come home, if I wanted, and she would help me do whatever I decided for my future. The only condition was I had to give you up for adoption. She said, “I know you want to keep the baby because you’re probably thinking it will give you everything you need, but you don’t know anything about raising a child or how hard it is.” That made me wonder. Is it even remotely possible that she had once felt I would give her everything she needed?

  Before she left she said something that cut me deeply. “Kendall, I love you. I always have, but I should have given you up for adoption, because then you might have had a good life, not the lousy one I gave you. There’s still time to choose a better life for your child.”

  I screamed at her to leave, saying she was crazy and I liked her better drunk. She didn’t yell back. Didn’t try to slap me.
That showed me more than anything how serious she was about getting her life together. But I hated her that day. She was wrong. I loved you, and I believed I was the only one who could really take care of you because I knew what it was like not to be loved.

  Pretty soon my life became hard. People in my apartment building made rude comments about me being unmarried. I don’t know why it hurt so much, but I still wonder how they would have acted if they had known I was raped by some guy who was probably too drunk to know what he was doing.

  My feet swelled. I couldn’t walk without pain. I couldn’t miss work because I wouldn’t have enough money for food. My tiny apartment felt like a refrigerator. The wind seeped through all the windows until I began to think I’d be warmer outside. At night I wore my coat and three pairs of socks, and I’d still shiver under my blankets. I tortured myself with wondering how I could take care of a baby when I couldn’t even take care of myself. Was it fair to the baby?

  I finally knew why Dr. Loveridge kept saying that a girl who chooses adoption isn’t giving her baby up but giving the baby a chance to have what every child should have—a mom and a dad and a life without worries about where the next meal is coming from. A safe life.

  Thinking that made me want to die. If I couldn’t keep you, I couldn’t see the point of living at all. And yet I still had some dreams for my future. I wanted to finish school and go to college and eventually get a good job. I could become one of those smart girls in the romance books! But I couldn’t do any of that and raise a child alone.

  I knew what I had to do. When I told Dr. Loveridge, he said he would set everything up for me, including a place to live. I cried for the next two days straight. I didn’t go to work. I cried for me, for you, and for my mother. I hated her, but I wanted her, too. I wanted her to tell me things would be all right.

  Most of all, I kept thinking that I didn’t want you ever to feel so lonely.

  I said good-bye to Russ and Suzy at the café. Leaving work was hard because they’d been so nice, but Dr. Loveridge said the café was too far away for me to commute to every day, even if I had been feeling well enough to work.

  I went to live with Summer Rain from the herb store, and it was the beginning of something wonderful. Her husband is Winter, and at first I thought they were strange. People call them hippies, but they are so kind to me that sometimes I cry with happiness. If Summer sees me crying, she puts her arms around me and holds me for as long as I need. Being with them is such a relief! All the stress and worry about not having enough money is suddenly gone, and I can focus on eating right for my baby. For you.

  I’m the third girl from the mothering classes they’ve had live with them. Both of the others put their babies up for adoption, too. I don’t have to work anymore, but I do help out at the herb store for fun. Summer gives me stuff to help the swelling in my legs, so that’s a bit better, too. She says I’ll have to start going to the doctor regularly after the Christmas holidays, and I said I would if she went with me.

  Two days before Christmas, I was with Mrs. Mendenhall at the adoption agency, and I picked out a family for my baby. I thought it would be hard, but they stood out to me right away. He’s an economist for a big company and makes very good money. She stays at home. They’ve been married eight years. They are good-looking people. Elegant, just like their names, Sherman and Ellen McKnight. They both have parents who are alive and successful as well, so I figured there was no chance you wouldn’t have everything you need. Except you wouldn’t have me, of course. But I don’t matter here. I must do what’s best for my girl.

  You probably are wondering how I know you’re a girl. I just do, though Mrs. Mendenhall keeps reminding me that there’s no way I know for sure. Anyway, I really felt the McKnight family would be perfect for you. After they heard about my choice, the McKnights wrote me a letter about how happy they are to adopt you. They want you more than anything, and I believe they’ll be good parents.

  At times, though, I wonder if I’ll actually be able to make myself go through with the adoption. But I’m not even sixteen, and I have a lot to learn before I can be the mother any baby deserves. I hope and pray that maybe someday you will understand why I’m doing this.

  Christmas was wonderful, mostly because Summer and Winter are so good to me. But I started feeling sad for them because I know Summer well enough now to know how heartbroken she is that they haven’t been able to have a child of their own. It’s funny how I no longer think they are strange. So what if they don’t use those new microwave ovens (which I think are really cool) or believe in cars or go around with bare feet half the time? What’s important is that they are fantastic people. They are kind to everyone—even to rude customers and to people who make fun of them or try to cheat them. They just smile and go on with their lives. I wish I could be more like that. How different my life would have been if I’d had a mother like Summer. And I can’t imagine a better father than Winter. They really care about me.

  For instance, a week or two ago Summer started thinking that I might be farther along than seven months because I’m so big. She called over a midwife friend of hers who delivers babies at home, even though I was going to the doctor the next week. She said it was better to be safe than sorry. The midwife said I was definitely further along. I suppose it’s possible. Those last months at my mother’s are very unclear to me. I try NOT to think about them.

  Anyway, the midwife let me hear your heartbeat. It was so strong and steady. I could have listened forever! You’re a fighter, and I know you’ll be all right without me. I only hope I can be all right without you.

  That’s about the time I had my great idea. What if Summer and Winter adopted you instead of the McKnights? I know that after I leave here in March, I’ll still be friends with them and that I’d get to see you some. But that’s not the real reason. The real reason is because I know they’d always love you and be absolutely the best parents ever.

  I talked to Dr. Loveridge on the phone about making Summer and Winter your parents. He said it was my choice, though it would be difficult because I’d already taken money from the McKnights and I can’t pay them back, or pay the hospital bills, either. I understand why I shouldn’t change my mind, but I got so angry that I refused to go in for my doctor’s appointment with Dr. Loveridge. I know it was childish of me, but because of the midwife I knew you were healthy. Besides, you’re always kicking me and moving around inside. Everything is perfectly fine.

  After talking to Dr. Loveridge, I decided I’d have to go through with my promise to the McKnights. They seemed so nice, and I didn’t want to hurt them. I told Summer I was sorry I couldn’t give her my baby, and I could tell she was surprised I was even thinking that way. She said not to worry about it. She wants the best for you and for me, too.

  Summer eventually talked me into going to see Dr. Loveridge a few days ago. He was really worried about how big I have become in the last month. Apparently being too big can mean a lot of problems or even sicknesses. He told me about this new machine they’ve been being using the past few years that shows a picture of the baby inside the mother. A sonogram, I think he called it. He wants to use it on me, but he doesn’t have one of the machines at his clinic. I guess they cost a lot. I explained that I might be further along, like the midwife told me, and he said she was probably right—which means nothing is wrong. Still, he wants to do the test, and I’m going to let him because I’d like to see you. We’ll do it next week, he says.

  So that is the story, but not quite all, because as I write this I can see how important Summer and Winter are in my life. Take today, for instance. I’m not feeling well, so Summer stayed home with me and phoned the doctor just in case. Winter has already called us three times from the store to check up on me. Could they be more wonderful?

  I’ve decided for absolutely sure that I’m going to tell Dr. Loveridge and Mrs. Mendenhall that Winter and Summer will be adopting you. Even if I have to work for years to pay the McKnights back, I want yo
u to be raised by parents I’m positive will always love you no matter what. Making it possible for Summer and Winter to have a baby is the second-best thing I have done so far with my life.

  I do hope that in the years to come I’ll get to visit you every now and then. I know Winter and Summer will tell you how very, very, very much I love you. Soon I will experience the greatest joy a mother can know by giving birth to a baby and also the greatest sorrow in saying good-bye. But my sweet, dear baby, you deserve a good life, and I can give you one. That will be the first best thing I have ever done.

  With all my love,

  Kendall (your birth mother)

  • • •

  So short to span all the lost years, yet so much more of the story than either of them had known before. Tawnia rested her finger on the last words, her eyes filled with tears. That will be the first best thing I have ever done. She felt sorrow and pride for the woman who had given them life and then died. Kendall had been little more than a child herself, but she’d had the courage to want something better for her baby. Babies.

  “You see,” BervaDee said gently. “Clearly, Kendall had decided to give her child to the Rains, so I didn’t know what to do with the letter. I didn’t think it would be helpful for Tawnia to know that Dr. Loveridge had betrayed Kendall’s wishes, though now I see maybe I was wrong. If I had given it to you, you might have discovered the truth more quickly.”

  Autumn shook her head. “You did the best you could. You couldn’t have known what Dr. Loveridge did.”

  Part of Tawnia kept imagining BervaDee at least copying part of the letter and sending it to Kansas, but she was filled with light at Autumn’s easy forgiveness. Her sister had surely learned that from her adoptive parents, and Kendall wouldn’t want any less for Tawnia.