Between the Lines

by KD Williamson

  Tonya had reached her limit. She was too hurt and too jealous to talk, to smile, to pretend. Tracy had called several times and sent text messages. There was one that stood out the most.

  I want my sister back.

  The words had an impact, but at the moment, Tonya couldn’t honor that request.

  In addition to all that, she was still having the nightmare. But her mother was no longer featured at the end, and Haley had started taking center stage when Tonya’s attackers appeared. Standing beside her, Haley would become larger than life as they worked together to take the bad guys down. That part was interesting, to say the least. The nightmares didn’t occur nightly, for which she was thankful; but when they did happen, sleep eluded her afterward.

  The bright side was there had been no flashbacks otherwise and no anxiety. But due to a death in the family, Dr. Finn wasn’t available this week. This left Tonya with the one way to cope that she knew worked. In order to separate one mess from the other and get some distance from everything that was going on, Dr. Preston had to be front and center. This wasn’t the healthiest, but it got her through the workday and beyond somewhat successfully.

  Someone knocked on her office door. Tonya glanced up to see one of the mental health techs with a patient in tow. She glanced down at her watch. They were a few minutes early. Tonya held up her hand to signal the tech to wait, then moved quickly to her private bathroom and studied her reflection. There were a few unavoidable wrinkles in her shirt, but her appearance was otherwise impeccable. Tonya leaned forward slightly and peered into her own eyes to make sure none of her personal turmoil was hidden anywhere in her features. She couldn’t help anyone else find peace if she was broadcasting her own misery. Satisfied, she backed away and went to open her office door.

  Minutes later, she was studying the man across from her. He was a new patient.

  “We gone do dis or what?” He was young, in his midtwenties, and slouched in his chair with an air of nonchalance.

  “We are,” Tonya answered.

  A little smile lifted his lips at the corner. It transformed his face, but his eyes were still flat and lifeless. “On da desk or on da couch?”

  Tonya ignored his attempt at negative-attention-seeking, but maintained eye contact with him. Quiet stretched between them.

  He was the first to look away. “All right, damn. Y’all just throw some kind of pills at me and let me go. Ain’t no pernt in doin’ dis.”

  “You mean therapy?”

  “Yea, whatever.”

  “It’s required. In order for you to be discharged, I have to make sure you’re stable.” Tonya’s tone was crisp, professional.

  “Don’t I look it?” He opened his arms wide and glanced down at himself.

  “Lee, what’s your perception of why you’re here?” Tonya leaned forward.

  He pursed his lips and looked down at his hands, which were back in his lap. “I’m over it,” Lee mumbled.

  “That may be true, but it could only be temporary.”

  After a few seconds, his gaze met hers again. His eyes were sad, haunted. “Just ’cause I wanted to die don’t mean I’m crazy.”

  “I agree.” Tonya softened her voice. Lee needed her to do so.

  His eyes widened in shock. “You do?”

  “I do, and I don’t like that word, crazy, so let’s not use it in here, okay?”

  Lee nodded. “I don’t like dat word depressed either. I know that’s what you gone say.”

  “We can call it whatever you want.”

  He stared at her. His face scrunched up.

  “I’m serious.” Tonya smiled at him.

  Lee shook his head, but he smiled back. “Malcolm. Let’s call it Malcolm.”

  “Malcolm it is.”

  Later, there was another knock on her door. Tonya wasn’t surprised at all when she saw who it was. Stephanie stared back at her. She didn’t look happy. There was no smile, no twinkle in her eyes. Tonya couldn’t blame her, really. Right now, Stephanie was collateral damage, and she had been receiving the same treatment as everyone else. It didn’t matter that she didn’t deserve it.

  It was just…easier.

  Tonya didn’t wave her in. She already knew this wasn’t going to go well. Stephanie’s gaze was unwavering. She walked in and stopped at the chair in front of Tonya’s desk, but she didn’t sit in it. Instead, she stood behind the chair. Finally, she looked down, brushing the leather. Her touch seemed soft, delicate.

  “If I sit here, will you talk to me?” Stephanie’s voice was thick, breathy, like it was painful to speak.

  Tonya swallowed and looked away, but Stephanie continued. “I know I shouldn’t do this here, but this is the only place I can pin you down. I’m tired of the prefab texts.” She sat in the chair.

  Tonya looked across her desk at her friend. There was a tightness in her chest that she couldn’t ignore. “Steph—”

  “No…no.” She pointed her finger at Tonya. “I’m sitting here, and now you have to listen.”

  Tonya could only nod. She deserved that and so much more. This woman had been one of the only lights in her life the past year.

  Stephanie’s relieved exhale was loud, shaky. “I know you…as much as you’ve allowed me to know anyway. I know when you need space, and I’ve been trying to give it to you. I have no idea what happened at your house this past weekend, but I can tell it’s really got a hold on you.”

  That was an understatement of huge proportions. However, her words were spot-on. Stephanie paused and looked at her, studied her, and apparently saw what she needed to keep going.

  “The people you care about have hurt you, obviously. Your family, I mean…and I get it.”

  Tonya’s fingers dug into the arms of her chair. She wasn’t ready to discuss this, but she knew she needed to be, for Stephanie’s sake.

  Stephanie leaned forward and moved the chair closer to the desk. “But that’s not what you do. That’s not who you are.” She reached her hand across the desk. “I’m not them and neither are you. Don’t repeat their mistakes.”

  And there it was. The band around Tonya’s chest loosened. Her heart was racing,and there was no way to ignore the warmth that started at her fingertips and spread.

  “I’m here, Tonya, like I’ve been all along. I need you to recognize that and give me credit for it.”

  Yes, it was high time she did.

  “I’m having dreams about the attack.” The words shot out of Tonya’s mouth, and they felt right. She wanted to share, needed to. She knew Stephanie would listen. Tonya had always known that she would. It was just a matter of her opening herself to it.

  Stephanie’s expression went from guarded and sad to worried. “Onset of PTSD?”

  “Not sure. It’s only happened a few times, and there’s been no other consistent symptoms.”

  “Well, that’s good, then.”

  But Tonya wasn’t done. “Haley…the cop from the gas station is in them. We usually fight them off together.”

  Stephanie’s eyebrows rose high on her forehead. “Ohhh my.” She eased back in the chair, pulling her hand away.

  Tonya had forgotten it was even there. She reached out, covering Stephanie’s hand with her own. “Just about every night, I dream about my mother and my childhood.”

  A myriad of emotions chased themselves across Stephanie’s features. There was confusion, anger, concern. She squeezed Tonya’s hand. “Things were hard for you growing up, weren’t they?”

  Tonya smiled, but even she could feel the sadness in it. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hur—”

  “I know, and I am too, for breaking your work rules.” Stephanie’s eyes were shiny, but there were no tears.

  “We can’t let any of this become a habit between the two of us. There was no reason to freeze you out.”

  “Yeah, I agree,” Stephanie said.

  Chapter 11

  “I hate you!”

  Her mother’s eyes were wide, bright, and frantic. “Mam
a?” Tonya stepped into the bedroom and set the tray of food on a nearby dresser. She squashed down her own anxiety and moved forward slowly with her hands up in surrender. There were times when she could reason with her mother, and Tonya hoped that this was one of them.

  “Don’t call me that. I know why you’re here.”

  Tonya inched closer to the bed. “Why, Mama?”

  “To take everything that’s mine,” Nicole hissed. “You can’t have it, and stop calling me that! You’re not my Tonya. She’s taller.”

  Tonya swallowed as her apprehension mounted. “I don’t want anything from you. I brought you something, though.” The home-health nurse had told her that her mother had refused lunch. She had to be starving by now.

  “Why would I take anything from you?” her mother asked. “You can’t make me do anything I don’t want to!” She crossed her arms over her chest and turned away like a petulant child.

  Changing course, Tonya shuffled toward the closet. It didn’t hurt to be creative when her mother was like this. Quickly, she slipped out of her sneakers and into a pair of heels that were a size or so bigger than normal, but they made her taller. “I just wanted to give you a snack. You’re not hungry? Tracy’s at dance practice, and Daddy probably won’t be home for a while.”

  Her mother turned slightly. Instantly, the wild look in her eyes was gone. “Tonya? Baby?”

  Tonya nodded.

  “What did you bring me?”

  Tonya picked up the tray again. “Chessi ham and cheese with mayo.”

  Nicole smiled, and for a second, everything almost felt normal. “I’m starving. Thank you, my baby.”

  Tonya wavered. With a tentative smile, she stepped closer and laid the tray across her mother’s lap. As she pulled away, her mother’s hand shot out and grabbed her upper arm. A couple of her fingers dug into the meaty part of the muscle. The pressure was uncomfortable at first, but jumped to painful as she squeezed harder and harder.

  Tonya gritted her teeth and tried her best to wriggle away. When she broke free, Tonya stumbled backward and pressed her hand against the throbbing spot on her arm. She looked down to see angry red marks that were more than likely going to be bruises later. Warily, she glanced at her mother.

  She was eating her sandwich.

  Turning to go, Tonya stopped as her mother started to speak.

  “I knew it was you all along, Tonya. It’s not nice to play games like that with your mama.”

  Suddenly weary, Tonya didn’t bother to respond. She pulled the door open, intent on escape, only to see her father standing on the other side.

  He stared down at her. He had to see the finger marks on her arm. He had to see.

  His face was unreadable. Tonya waited for him to say something. She waited for him to show concern. Several seconds passed, and there was nothing.

  He turned and started to walk away.

  “Daddy?”

  He didn’t stop.

  “Daddy?” Tonya moved quickly. She grabbed his arm and yanked as hard as she could. He jerked away, but he’d stopped and was looking at her.

  “The pills don’t work. All they do is make her sleep. Can you tell somebody? Maybe if she had better medicine—”

  “She’ll be fine.” He started walking again.

  Tonya stood there and watched. Her heart was pounding, and the ache in her chest felt like it was going to swallow her whole. Then she peered down at her feet. The shoes were so big on her. She was surprised that she hadn’t hurt herself. Tonya kicked them off. She’d left her sneakers behind in her mother’s room. They were her favorite, and even though she had other shoes, Tonya decided to go barefoot for the rest of the day.

  Tonya woke up suddenly. There was no scream on her lips, but cold beads of sweat rolled down her face. Her heart was slamming against her rib cage, and she was breathing raggedly. She sat up in bed and kicked the covers away. Tonya scanned the room, acclimating herself, and when she was done, she reached for the journal in her nightstand. With shaking hands, she wrote as quick as she could.

  These weren’t repressed memories. Tonya remembered her childhood just fine, both the painful moments and the better times. At one time, she’d been convinced that it was some kind of cruel twist that she relived everything in her dreams. Now, she knew better. They were a reminder that she still had pain to deal with, a reminder that she could either let those feelings consume her or let go and forgive.

  Tonya wasn’t sure which one she was going to do today, especially where her father was concerned. She’d forgiven her mother long ago. Her behavior…her illness empowered Tonya to read and learn, as well as advocate for Nicole. Eventually, she did get better medicine and she did improve. It wasn’t by leaps and bounds, but it was enough to where she had more lucid moments…where there was some normalcy.

  Tonya took a cleansing breath. At least something good had happened this week. Those men who assaulted her had pled guilty. There was no need to testify or see them ever again. Yes, at least there was that. She glanced at the clock. It was just past 4:00 a.m. What was an extra hour of sleep anyway? Tonya got out of bed, removed the scarf covering her curls, and started getting dressed for the gym.

  The sun was peeking through the clouds and lightening the sky when Tonya returned home. When she entered the kitchen, her father was sitting, enjoying his coffee and leafing through the latest edition of Gambit Weekly. It had been two weeks, and they had barely said a word to each other. Tonya and Dr. Finn had agreed that in order for a stalemate of this level to end, a series of confrontations needed to occur. In short, she had to fortify herself against more pain and more denial, and at the same time, Tonya had to be ready to voice her own emotions on the matter. They both needed to listen. They both needed to be heard. She just didn’t know if that was possible.

  Robert glanced up briefly, then went back to his routine. Tonya got a bottle of juice out of the refrigerator and headed toward the stairway.

  “You can go on be mad at me for whatever reason, but your sister didn’t do nothing. She told me how you been ignoring her.”

  Tonya stopped. She didn’t turn around just yet. She could hear him shuffling the paper nonchalantly, like this was a normal conversation. Tonya’s hand wrapped around the banister. The wood was cool and unyielding, just like he could be. Slowly, anger infused her. It started at her fingertips and moved swiftly to the rest of her body, making her tremble.

  There was no way he could be that blind.

  She stepped back and moved toward him, but he didn’t even acknowledge her with a glance. When she got to the kitchen island, Tonya reached across. In a gesture of controlled violence, she yanked the paper away from him.

  He looked at her then. His eyes were wide and shocked. He covered it quickly into something blank and unreadable.

  “I haven’t forgotten anything that happened. I’m sure you wanted me to.” Tonya’s voice was soft, deceptively so for the amount of anger boiling underneath. He looked away, but his jaw clenched. “Good, I’m going to take your silence as acknowledgment.”

  “All that happened a long time ago. Just let it be, dammit.” Her father’s gaze met hers briefly before it skittered away.

  “I wish it was that easy. I really do.”

  “Your sister did.”

  Tonya’s emotions flared so hot, she could barely contain them. She had to take several breaths to put out the fire raging in her chest. “She didn’t see half of what I did, and she sure as hell didn’t have the same experiences I did! You’re not a stupid man. You have to know that adds up to something.”

  “Why you gotta be so disrespectful?” Robert stood and glared at her.

  Tonya glared right back. “I’m not disrespecting you, Daddy. I’m just so tired. I can’t pretend anymore. I don’t have the energy. Mama was sick. She didn’t know what she was doing, but what was your excuse?”

  His lips thinned, but he said nothing.

  “Were you that angry at me? Was it to punish me?”


  His expression morphed into confusion. “What you—”

  “Because of who I am!” Tonya slammed her hand against the counter.

  Her father jumped.

  His reaction deflated Tonya a little. “When Mama first started showing symptoms, I wanted to help out. It made me feel special, but it got to be too much. Everything was just too much.” Tonya shook her head as memories bombarded her. “Nothing made me feel good anymore, and when I thought I found something…someone that made me feel right, you beat the shit out of me and my life became a nightmare.”

  “You damn right I did. Look at you now. You a doctor. You did something with yourself.”

  “That was despite what you did, not because of it!”

  “That’s bullshit, and I’m done talking about it.” He grabbed his coffee mug and threw it in the sink. It made a loud clang, and she could tell the cup shattered. Then he marched through the living room and out the front door.

  Tonya watched him leave. She didn’t bother to go after him. There was no point. Twenty plus years, she’d been dealing with this. Was it any wonder she was exhausted? Whoever her father thought she was, Tonya couldn’t be that person anymore. That much was clear.

  She was too many people already.

  Her thoughts shifted to her sister and then inconceivably to Haley. Tonya wondered what it would be like to be young again and get the chance to be carefree, or at least have some semblance of that feeling. Maybe, just maybe, it was time to find out.

  Tonya took the cap off her juice and drank. Her father was right about one thing. She needed to stop closing Tracy out.

  * * *

  With disgust and awe, Haley watched Tang demolish a huge, bone-in fried chicken breast in record time. “How can you eat that? It’s nothing but grease.”