Between the Lines

by KD Williamson

  Tang grunted again.

  That meant yes.

  For a time, the only sound in the car came from the radio. Haley sipped on her drink, and her mind started to wander. It didn’t go far, just to Tonya. A light, giddy feeling rushed through her. They’d talked a couple times a day since the weekend. Haley had regaled Tonya with tales of Tang, along with her own college exploits. She’d even thrown her mom and her numerous relationships in the mix.

  Tonya laughed so hard at times, it made Haley wonder if she’d ever laughed like that before. Tonya hadn’t revealed much about herself so far, but it was all about quality, not quantity. She wasn’t part of the party scene in college, didn’t even join a sorority. Working two jobs took up plenty of her time, and when she graduated she went straight through to medical school. Translation: Tonya could be focused and dedicated.

  When asked what she did for fun growing up, Tonya got quiet but admitted that she didn’t get out much, which meant she probably didn’t have much of a childhood at all. She talked about her friend Stephanie more than she did her sister and father. In fact, she barely even said their names. This led Haley to believe that she was closer to Stephanie than to her own family.

  They also talked about everything from politics, movies, and music to the Saints. Haley was slightly disappointed that Tonya wasn’t into football, but looked at that as a challenge to tackle as soon as possible. Haley had barely scratched Tonya’s surface, and she was dying to know more. Hell, she wanted to know it all. Those phone calls had already become the highlight of her day. But she wanted to look Tonya in the eyes, see her smile, and watch her face change when she laughed. Most of all, Haley wanted to touch her, just to make sure she was real.

  And she was still trying to figure out what it was about Tonya that grabbed her and kept her wanting more, when she usually had the romantic attention span of a mosquito. Maybe there was no rhyme or reason to it. Maybe her interest, her attraction to Tonya just…was. Was all this a little scary? Haley had to admit that it was. She wasn’t sure if she could handle it, and she didn’t know if she was going to somehow screw things up. The only thing she knew for certain was that she usually went after what she wanted, and Haley wanted Tonya.

  “I owe them money.”

  Haley heard him, but it took the words a minute to compute and for her mind to change course. “What? Who?”

  “Crest Manor. I was hopin’ I’d have more time before they said anythin’. If I’m not caught up by September, Uncle Milt has to leave.”

  Haley felt like a ton of bricks were sitting in her stomach. “I’m sorry. Wish I could help.”

  “Don’t need your fuckin’ apologies. I need money. They fuckin’ hiked up the rent to my apartment, and the rates to the rest home went up too a couple months back. Thought I could handle it.” Tang stomped on the gas as the stoplight on Earhart turned green. The tires screeched. “Fuck the apologies.”

  Haley didn’t say anything. There was no need to.

  After several minutes, Tang cleared his throat. “Sorry.”

  Haley glanced at him. “It’s all right.” Those bricks were still sitting there.

  “I’m tired as hell. Been working a second job doing security at Ochsner. I need to see if I can bump up my hours.”

  Concerned, Haley asked, “When you gonna sleep?”

  Tang snorted. “Never again? If the lack of sleep don’t get to me the stress will.”

  “You got time to get a beer after work?” Maybe she could help a little with the stress.

  “I got an hour and a half and as long as it’s just one. You buyin’ this time?”

  This going out after work thing had picked up some momentum, and they usually had a good time. “That’s long enough, and yeah, I’ll buy.”

  * * *

  Dr. Finn stared at Tonya as she sat down. “You look unsettled.”

  Tonya gave her a tight smile. “I suppose that’s as good a word as any.”

  “Things not going the way you want them to?”

  Tonya laughed. “Do they ever?”

  Dr. Finn didn’t answer.

  “My father is way more stubborn than I thought he would be.” Tonya sighed and admitted to herself that she couldn’t browbeat him into submission. “But Tracy and I talked—actually talked. It was scary and refreshing at the same time. I got some things out in the open—not everything, but it’s a start.”

  “The jealousy?” Dr. Finn asked.

  “Good guess. No, I didn’t go into that. I’m not ready, and there are times when it still feels so petty.”

  Dr. Finn leaned forward. “Not at all. We’ve gone through this before. With the way you grew up, it’s normal to feel that the grass is greener on other peoples’ lawns.”

  Tonya smiled.

  “So, are you ready to try something different where your father is concerned?”

  For several seconds, Tonya just looked at her. “You knew my anger wasn’t going to get me anywhere.” She wasn’t asking.

  Dr. Finn nodded. “You did too, but it was time that he heard about the pain you’ve gone through even if he isn’t ready to listen yet.”

  Tonya tried to beat back the sudden feeling of desperation. Her hands tightened around the arms of the chair and her fingers dug into the leather. Her heart rammed against her chest. Despite everything they’d been through, he was still her father. She wanted to fix this. He wasn’t getting any younger. Besides Tracy, she had no other family. “He’s had years to get used to everything.”

  “So have you, and with help you’ve fared a lot better. He hasn’t had that.”

  It was true. “What’s your suggestion?”

  “No more cold shoulder. Let him see the parts of you that you are willing to share. If you let down your guard somewhat, he could be willing to do the same.”

  Just the thought of that made her fearful. Tonya’s hands squeezed tighter. They were actually starting to cramp.

  “It’s a risk, but it could pay off and be the start of something much larger.”

  Tonya swallowed. “I’ll have to think about that.”

  “That’s understandable.” Dr. Finn paused. “Are you still having nightmares?”

  “I have my normal dreams, but the nightmares not as much. They’ve changed somewhat. Haley’s still in them.” Her heart thudded for a different reason now, but she relaxed a little. Tonya cleared her throat. “We still win at the end. I haven’t written anything new in my journal.”

  Dr. Finn smiled. “I like how you’ve taken charge of your nightmares.” Her tone was thoughtful and proud.

  Thoughts of Haley swam around in Tonya’s head. It wasn’t until Dr Finn called her name that she realized she’d missed something. “Oh, sorry.”

  Dr. Finn tilted her head slightly and studied her. “Is there something else you want to share?”

  Tonya held her gaze. “Yes. I was going to anyway. I just got a little distracted.”

  Dr. Finn waited quietly.

  Before Tonya could pick and choose what she wanted to tell, the words were out of her mouth. Several minutes later, she ended with, “She asked me out, and I turned her down. It was selfish of me to even reach out to her in the first place.”

  “Why is that selfish?”

  “I wasn’t doing it for the right reasons. I wanted to feel good. I wanted something for me, and with everything that’s going on with my family, I don’t think I’m really emotionally available.”

  “Hasn’t that been an issue all along? You putting your life on hold or on the shelf for your family?”

  “Well, yes, but I think something good could come out of it this time.”

  “Do you like her?”

  Tonya looked down at her hands in her lap and back up again. “She’s different from what I’m used to, less reserved and younger.”

  “Does that bother you?”

  “No. I’ve teased her about it, but no. She’s, well, even after I turned her down, she wanted to stay in contact. We’ve talked jus
t about every day. I like it this way. There’s no pressure.”

  “So that’s a yes you do like her?” Dr. Finn’s eyes were bright and amused.

  Tonya didn’t answer.

  “Is there any difference in this situation compared to other women you’ve been involved with?”

  “The few there’s been have been nice, enjoyable…like a warm bath.”

  “Interesting.” Dr. Finn smiled slightly.

  “Yes, well, I was trying to be accurate.”

  “Mm, that doesn’t really answer the question. How does Haley compare so far?”

  “I don’t have enough information to go on yet,” Tonya said.

  Dr. Finn studied her again. “I think you do, Tonya.”

  She was right, of course. The heat that buzzed right under her skin when she thought about Haley wasn’t the norm.

  “If we’re being accurate.” Dr. Finn smiled again.

  Tonya stayed quiet. What could she possibly say?

  “I suggest you give that a chance too. We all need something to counterbalance the negative.”

  “I guess I have a lot to think about.”

  “I agree. You do.”

  * * *

  Haley walked out of the bathroom rubbing a towel in her hair. The sound of her cell phone ringing the whistled tune from Kill Bill made her drop the towel and head straight for her nightstand.

  “Hey, you there?”

  “I am. You answered just in time. I’m pretty sure your voice mail was about to pick up.”

  “Lucky me, then, and the fact that you’re callin’ me? Bonus.”

  “Is that a problem?”

  “No, just pointin’ it out as a good thing. It means you’re invested.”

  “Oh? Is that what it means?” The amusement in Tonya’s tone couldn’t be missed.

  “Yes, me and the universe say so.”

  “The entire universe is on your side?”

  “Mm-hm, think about it. Look at how we met. Look at everythin’ that happened afterward. It’s gotta be the universe.”

  “So we have no choice in this whatsoever?”

  Haley smiled and sat on the edge of the bed. “You made your choice when you agreed to the phone thing.”

  Tonya was quiet for a few seconds. “I guess I did.”

  “Any regrets?” Haley had to ask, but she really hoped Tonya wouldn’t answer. Still naked, she got comfortable on her bed. She held her breath and waited.

  “Yes…just one. That it took me being worried to call you.”

  Haley took a deep breath. The big-ass butterflies in her stomach were going to town. It made it hard to breathe for a minute. “You were worried about me?”

  “I usually hear from you earlier. You are a cop, and in New Orleans, after all. I’m very curious. What made you want to go into law enforcement anyway? Hero complex or adrenaline junkie?”

  “Neither. I don’t wanna wear a cape, and I definitely don’t like a gun being pointed in my face. I kinda stumbled around a bit tryin’ to figure out what I wanted to do after college. I have a bachelors in sociology. Not much to do with that if you don’t specialize. I remember what this place was like pre-Katrina, and I just wanna help get it back there.”

  “And you thought being a cop would do that?” Tonya’s tone was skeptical.

  “It’s a start. I didn’t wanna go into social work. Bein’ on this side of things is way more satisfyin’. I get to sift through the bad seeds.”

  “And put them somewhere else so everything else can grow? I think I get it.”

  “Exactly.” Haley was relieved, but only for a couple seconds. “I do need to ask you. Does what I do bother you?”

  “That doesn’t matter right—”

  “Tonya?”

  “Yes and no. I respect your reasons, but you have a dangerous job.”

  “Is that a dealbreaker?”

  Tonya was quiet. “No, it’s not.”

  “Good. I like this, and I like you.”

  “Stop. You don’t even know if—”

  “No,” Haley said softly.

  Tonya swallowed loudly. “Do you always just come out and say what you’re feeling?” She was a little breathless, and that did weird things to Haley’s insides.

  “Most of the time, yeah. People who know me appreciate it.”

  “I think I’m starting to. You’re just so different.”

  “You’ve said that before. I’m startin’ to think it’s a good thing.”

  “It is. We wouldn’t be doing this otherwise.”

  “What is this, anyway?” Haley decided she’d push the envelope a little tonight to see what oozed out.

  “We’re talking and getting to know each other.” Tonya’s tone was hesitant.

  “To what end?”

  “I can’t answer that right now, not with anything definite.”

  “Mm, can I tell you what my end would be? I wanna make sure you understand where I’m comin’ from.”

  “Yes, okay.” There it was again, that breathlessness in Tonya’s voice.

  “I’m goin’ to be honest. I don’t do stuff like this. I don’t chat…I don’t get to know. Christ, I don’t know what it is about you, but I wanna try like hell to figure it out. We can go slow or we can go fast. I’m willin’ to do both if it gets me somewhere with you. I’ll bide my time with this phone thing, but in a little while it won’t be enough for me, and, whether you admit it or not, it won’t be for you either.”

  There was a slight hitch in Tonya’s breathing.

  Feeling cocky and more than a little heated, Haley said, “You liked that. I can tell.”

  “I did.”

  “Don’t be afraid to say it, about anythin’.” Haley hoped that by opening herself up a little more, she would inspire Tonya to do the same.

  “I’ll…keep that in mind.” Tonya paused and cleared her throat. “No tales of Tang tonight?”

  Haley smiled. She would give her the subject change. “Nope. He was a little outta sorts today. He’s got a lot goin’ on. We went out for a beer after work. Then I went to work out longer than usual. It’s why I’m so late.”

  “You’re a good friend.”

  “I try to be,” Haley said.

  “I’m working on it.”

  “It’s easy when you got good people around you.”

  “Yes, I’m learning that.”

  “Well since I have no Tang stories for you tonight, why don’t you chip in?”

  Tonya laughed. “I’m sorry, but my life just isn’t that interesting. Ask me something.”

  Haley had to think about it. She didn’t want the tension between them to shoot up again so soon, even though by God it felt good. It had to be something broad but deep enough to make Tonya dig a bit. Whatever came out, Haley was going to add what she learned to the unfinished puzzle. “What was it like for you growin’ up ’round here?”

  “Do you mean because I’m biracial?”

  “Yeah.”

  “There were some black people in my neighborhood who had an issue with me. It took me a while to figure it out. There were a lot of whispers behind my back. One of the neighbor’s kids finally spelled it out for me. My hair looked different. My skin was much lighter, and I didn’t talk the same. I wasn’t black enough.” Tonya went quiet. “That actually still happens to me to this day.”

  “Does it bother you?”

  “Yes and no. Yes, because I’m a part of the black community, whether it’s liked or not. I know our history, and it doesn’t make sense that we’d do that to each other. No, because I don’t let it hold me back.”

  “I can understand that. What about the other way around?”

  “Racism from white people?”

  “Yes.”

  “You sure you want to hear that?”

  “I didn’t do it, so…”

  “There’s plenty coming from the other side. I’ve never met my mother’s family. There’s times that it bothers me and times that it doesn’t at all. Can’t miss what y
ou never had, right? My experiences on that end of the spectrum are a little more in-your-face.”

  “Someone hurt you?” Haley bristled at that. Maybe she didn’t need to hear this.

  “Nothing I couldn’t brush off. There was this one thing that sticks out for me. I was at Walmart with my father. He let me go to the toy section by myself while he was in automotive. He made me promise to stay right where I was. I was playing with the toys on display and three boys walked up. I didn’t even know they were there until they started talking. I didn’t think anything of it, and we were all playing together. One of them kept staring at me. It made me uncomfortable, but before I could say anything, he was calling me a fucking nigger. It was the first time anyone ever said that to me. He said he could tell I wasn’t really white because I had big lips. I was a lot younger when this happened, and I just didn’t get it. One of the boys had a light tan, and I thought I looked just like him. They started pushing me, and I started crying. Something snapped, I think, and I started throwing punches. Daddy found me like that, crying and swinging.

  For some reason, the boys didn’t run. They just stood there while I told him what happened, and then they tried to call me a liar. Daddy saw through it. He didn’t get loud, and he didn’t get violent. I don’t know what he said to them—I was still crying—but they took off running. Daddy was my hero back then.” Tonya mumbled the last part, and Haley almost didn’t catch it.

  “Jesus.” Haley couldn’t clamp down on the anger burning her stomach. “That pisses me off just hearin’ about it. How do you not just hate people in general?”

  “Probably because I had some good experiences to counter the bad, and I can’t deny part of who I am. I handle things more intelligently now. I ignore them when I can, but I also figured out that there’s nothing more satisfying than insulting someone when they don’t know it’s happening. Sometimes all it takes is a couple of words.”

  Haley chuckled despite the heaviness of the topic. “You might have to show me that trick.”

  “I’ve used it on you, actually, that night at the bar.”

  “I know.”

  Tonya laughed. As she quieted, she asked, “I know this is probably a stupid question, but my race doesn’t bother you? At all?”

  “You mean because I’m from Mississippi?” Haley tried to make light, but Tonya didn’t laugh. “Sorry, bad joke.”