The Au Pair

by Janey Fraser

  ‘Then surely it’s our job to make sure that they are all right?’

  ‘Exactly. But there’s only so far we can go.’

  He still didn’t feel exonerated and later that day, in the office, found himself confiding in his PA. He hadn’t meant to but Karen had come in with a very welcome cup of tea and shortbread biscuits not long after the phone call. ‘I just can’t help wondering who did it. She said she had friends in London but the police say no one has come forward.’

  Karen made one of her poor-you faces but somehow it didn’t seem quite as annoying as it had done in the past. ‘That’s terrible, but I do think your agency lady is right. You can’t blame yourself and from what you’ve told me, she sounds – I mean, sounded – quite stroppy.’ She sighed. ‘They can be at that age. I’ve got a niece who is really rather rude to everyone. No respect, if you know what I mean.’

  He knew exactly what she meant.

  ‘It sounds as though you’ve had some bad luck with your au pairs,’ said Karen, pushing the plate of shortbread biscuits towards him. ‘The second one didn’t work out either, you said.’

  ‘No.’ He hesitated. ‘I found her trying on some of Sally’s things and she cut Lottie’s fringe.’

  ‘That’s awful!’

  ‘It might have been Lottie’s idea, actually.’

  ‘Lottie?’

  He felt rather treacherous but he’d said too much now to stop. Besides, there was something about Karen’s kind, slightly plump face that made him feel he could talk. Really talk, in a different way from how he spoke to Christina, who was, after all, only listening in a professional capacity.

  ‘Berenice – the second au pair – said Lottie told her to. At first, I thought she was lying but I’m beginning to wonder. Lottie hasn’t been the same since Sally died.’

  Karen nodded, munching her own shortbread finger thoughtfully. ‘The poor kid’s been through a lot. Where’s Berenice now?’

  ‘Gone to a much nicer family in Barnes.’ He gave a rueful shrug. ‘One that won’t wrongly accuse her of things.’

  Matthew found himself aware of a warm hand patting his arm lightly. ‘You mustn’t be too hard on yourself. Lottie’s not the only one who’s been through the mill. Now if there’s anything I can do, like babysitting in the evenings or weekends, all you have to do is ask.’

  ‘Thank you.’ Matthew felt overwhelmed and not a little ashamed of himself. Karen was being so kind! In fact, he now recalled, she was always the first to organise an office collection for anyone who was getting married or having a baby or leaving for another job. It was women like Karen who spread goodwill in life. How awful that it had taken Sozzy’s death for him to realise that.

  ‘Actually,’ he added, ‘I think we’re sorted at the moment. One of Sally’s friends has lent me her au pair while she’s on holiday. Besides, I only need help when I’m at work. I don’t want to go out at the evenings or weekends: that’s Lottie time.’

  Karen nodded again. ‘You’re a good father.’

  He gave another short laugh. ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Well, I do and so do a lot of others around here.’

  She got up from the chair next to him and he couldn’t help noticing her thick hourglass legs. Sally had had beautiful legs, long and shapely; she’d been justly proud of them.

  ‘Better be getting on.’ She gave him another warm smile. ‘But remember my offer. If you need me to babysit any time, all you have to do is call. You’ve got my mobile number, haven’t you?’

  One thing was for certain, Matthew told himself the following week as he came home – later than he’d meant to, thanks to a meeting – he was going to make sure that nothing went wrong with Antoinette.

  She seemed pleasant enough, although a little quiet, thought Matthew as he put his keys on the hall table. Her English wasn’t great, it was true, and it was quite funny the way she spoke about a table being a ‘her’, but so far, she hadn’t done anything awful like storming out or ransacking his wife’s wardrobe. True, he’d found a few dirty plates that had been put back in the cupboard unwashed but that wasn’t too awful in the scheme of things.

  But the one thing he just couldn’t get used to was the lack of privacy! There was nowhere to hide in your own home. At least, not in a house this size. Matthew slipped off his jacket and then paused. How odd! There was the sound of laughter from the sitting room as though there were several people there.

  Wonderingly, he opened the door. There were two girls sitting on the sofa munching dry cereal from the packet and two more on the floor in front of the DVD player, watching some American comedy with extremely ripe language! Lottie was on a beanbag also with a cereal bowl and laughing with that cute little gap in her front teeth (that new tooth was taking ages to come through!).

  He sniffed. There was definitely the lingering smell of cigarettes although he couldn’t actually see anyone smoking. Over there, by Sally’s grandmother’s walnut sewing table, was Antoinette, lying down on the carpet, talking to someone on the phone. His phone.

  His initial reaction was to demand why she had all her mates over, why they were watching an adult film in front of Lottie and what she was doing on his landline, but then he stopped. He couldn’t upset a third au pair! Besides, this was Paula’s girl. He had to tread carefully.

  ‘Monsieur Evans.’ Antoinette had quickly put down the phone and was walking towards him, hips swaying in a provocative manner that made him feel really awkward. ‘I hope you do not mind but I have some friends here. They help me with Lottie.’

  It was on the tip of his tongue to ask how many aides she needed to help with one small girl but Lottie was now flying towards him. ‘Daddy, you’re home!’

  There was an ‘ahh’ from one of the girls on the sofa. ‘She is so sweet. Look, we have been doing her hair!’

  He’d thought there was something different about her. Lottie’s long plaits had been redone and were now in little Swiss miss coils round her ears. ‘Do you like them, Daddy?’

  ‘Very nice.’ He narrowed his eyes at the television. ‘What are you watching?’

  ‘Friends, Daddy. It’s really cool.’

  Friends? Then maybe he was over-reacting. ‘Have you had supper?’

  She nodded. ‘Coco Pops.’

  ‘But that’s what you have for breakfast!’

  Another solemn nod. ‘Antoinette says it’s easier.’

  Did she now? He’d see about that. Or would he? Oh dear. On the one hand, this was his house and he was paying this girl to look after his daughter, not to have her friends round and dish out cereal as a main meal. On the other hand, Lottie was safe, wasn’t she, and she seemed quite happy!

  Maybe, thought Matthew as he went into the kitchen to rustle up some supper, leaving Antoinette and her friends to laugh in front of the television and make their calls, he needed to make some compromises. After all, this was only for a fortnight and then the new agency had promised to find him full-time help of his own.

  *

  ‘I think you did the right thing.’

  Matthew looked across at Christina in surprise. He couldn’t remember her ever expressing a definite opinion like that. Usually it was along the lines of ‘How did you feel when you made that decision?’ or ‘What would you think of someone else who did such and such?’

  But now, after he’d described the ensuing conversation with Antoinette (during which he’d agreed she could have friends round but that there was to be no smoking in the house and all programmes had to be suitable for an eight-year-old), his counsellor was nodding and expressing approval.

  ‘And how are you getting on generally?’ she asked solicitously.

  Christina was slightly tanned, he noticed. Maybe she’d been away in the short time since he’d last seen her. Perhaps her husband had whisked her off for a romantic weekend. Or she’d just been sitting in the garden. They’d been having some glorious weather and Antoinette had taken Lottie for several picnics in the local park, no doubt wi
th her friends.

  In fact, they were probably there right now but he’d taken the afternoon off work for his appointment with Christina. He’d make up by working late tonight at home.

  Matthew suddenly became aware that Christina was looking at him in a way that suggested he hadn’t replied to her question. He was always doing that; going off in a world of his own and wondering, even though it wasn’t any of his business, about Christina’s background.

  But he couldn’t help it. He felt jealous, ridiculously jealous of her at times for having a proper family that hadn’t been torn apart by a disease which could have been treated if he or Sally had been more aware of the symptoms.

  ‘Sorry?’ he repeated.

  ‘I was wondering how you were managing generally.’ She leaned forward slightly, revealing a slight V-shape between her breasts under the coral silky top she was wearing. ‘It must be a big change going back to work after so long.’

  He felt relief at getting back on to safer ground. ‘It should be but the weird thing is that it feels right. It means I can distract myself and think of something completely different. Then something will happen during the day that makes me feel guilty for forgetting Sally for a few hours.’

  She nodded. ‘I can understand that.’

  Could she, he wanted to ask. Could she really? Frankly, no one could – not unless they’d been through this.

  ‘And I still feel awful about poor Sozzy.’

  She nodded again. ‘Do the police know any more?’

  ‘I’m not sure that they would tell me if they did. But I’m beginning to hope that they don’t regard me as a suspect as I haven’t heard from them for a while.’

  She looked shocked. ‘That must be rather worrying for you.’

  Yes it was. Suddenly all the feel-good stuff he’d experienced from work that day was beginning to drain. ‘There’s something else too.’ He hesitated. ‘Is it normal for someone whose wife has only been dead for a year to think about … to think about someone else?’

  Her eyes registered a quick shot of surprise. Too late, Matthew wished he’d kept his mouth shut.

  ‘It’s more common than we might expect.’ Her tone was guardedly neutral. ‘Some men – and women too – actually plunge straight into another relationship. It can be for all kinds of reasons. Security. The need to prove that they are still alive themselves or to make the most of every minute.’ She paused, her cool eyes fixed on him as though it was his turn now.

  Now they’d started, they had to finish. Besides, he needed to know and she was his counsellor, wasn’t she? ‘And is it necessarily a bad thing?’

  Christina shrugged. ‘I’ve had clients who have married other people within a very short time of being widowed and are still married. I’ve had others who’ve done the same and realised it was a mistake. And I have some who say they wouldn’t ever feel right in even thinking about it.’ Her voice sounded calm and reassuring. ‘Has something happened that’s made you ask this, Matthew?’

  His skin began to prickle with embarrassment. ‘There’s a woman at work,’ he began.

  She nodded reassuringly.

  ‘She always used to annoy me, to be honest, because she’s rather over the top. But recently I’ve started seeing her in a different light. She’s very kind,’ he added lamely.

  ‘And maybe,’ said Christina softly, ‘that’s what you need right now.’

  ‘Nothing’s happened,’ he added hastily. ‘And I’m not sure I’d want it to because it would seem unfaithful somehow to Sally.’

  Christina’s head tilted slightly to the right as though considering this. ‘Why do you feel that?’

  Here we go again, he thought. Back to the little games of making him reveal his emotions rather than her telling him if it was OK or not.

  ‘It’s obvious, isn’t it?’ Anger made him stand up. ‘I was married to Sally for nine years. Surely there’s something wrong with me if I can start thinking about someone else when my wife’s only been dead and buried for nine months?’

  He could hear himself shouting except that it didn’t feel like him. It was as though someone inside him was yelling things which his mouth then translated.

  ‘Do you think it might help if you put yourself in other people’s shoes? Thought about how they felt instead of you? Like Sally, for instance.’

  ‘Are you saying I’m self-centred?’

  ‘Do you think you are?’

  ‘Yes. No. I don’t know.’

  She looked straight at him. ‘It’s natural after a bereavement. And I think you’re angry too.’

  ‘OF COURSE I’M BLOODY ANGRY.’ He sat down again and then jumped up. ‘I’m sorry, Christina, but I don’t think these sessions are doing me any good.’

  She looked surprised. ‘Would you like a break for a bit?’

  ‘Yes. No. I don’t know,’ he repeated. He gathered up his jacket and briefcase from the side of the chair. ‘I’ll ring and make an appointment if I want one. OK?’

  He drove home feeling like an absolute heel. What had come over him? How on earth could he have behaved so badly to Christina, shouting at her like that? And why had he come out with that stuff about Karen?

  Come on, said a little voice inside his head. You know perfectly well why. You should have told her. Told her the truth about Sally.

  No, he told himself as he parked outside the house. That was one thing he couldn’t tell anyone. Never. He’d made a promise, hadn’t he? A promise that couldn’t be broken.

  ‘Hello?’ he called out, opening the door. ‘I’m back.’

  There was no answer. Maybe Antoinette was still out with Lottie. No. There was the sound of giggling upstairs. Perhaps she was getting his daughter ready for bed although it wasn’t even five o’clock yet.

  ‘Hi,’ he called out, going up the stairs. ‘Lottie?’

  Suddenly the bathroom door swung open and a stout lad with tattoos down his chest stood there with a towel round his waist, looking at him as though he was the intruder.

  ‘What the …’ he began and then stopped as Antoinette, also with a towel around her, water dripping from the tips of her hair down her brown shoulders, peered out from behind.

  ‘Where is my daughter?’ he thundered.

  Antoinette looked nervous. ‘She is in the park with my friends. Do not worry. They take care of her.’

  This was outrageous! Utterly outrageous! If it were not for the fact that Paula was on holiday, he’d chuck her out right now. But then a picture of Sozzy came into his head. Poor dead Sozzy who might still be alive if she had stayed here.

  ‘You,’ he spat at the youth, ‘get dressed and out of here.’ He threw a withering look at Antoinette. ‘You get dressed too. I’m going to collect my daughter. When I come back, we will discuss this.’

  Tears were rolling down her face. ‘I am sorry. Please do not tell Madame Paula or I will get the sack and I do not want to go home yet. It will not happen encore. I promise you.’

  NOTICE FROM BT

  YOU HAVE EXCEEDED YOUR MONTHLY BROADBAND ALLOWANCE.

  Chapter 13

  IT WAS A small world in Corrywood! So it wasn’t surprising, Jilly told herself ruefully, that the Parks family had heard about Heidi going to the Banks family even though Penny Parks had had first refusal. It was the au pair equivalent of two-timing.

  But it wasn’t just the stupidity of her actions that rankled. It was the fact that she had, unusually for her, done something that was morally wrong.

  ‘It’s just as bad as gazumping someone over a house,’ David had said, shocked when she’d told him the full story. ‘How could you have?’

  ‘Because we needed to pay the bills,’ she had flashed back.

  ‘So it’s my fault, is it?’ He’d jerked away from her. ‘I’m trying to get a better-paid job, Jilly, and I appreciate that you’re trying to help financially.’ His eyes looked sad and, for a minute, she wanted to put her arms around him. ‘But this agency has changed you and it’s not great for the chi
ldren. The other day when I got back, they were still in their pyjamas, eating crisps for supper.’

  Jilly felt as though she’d just been slapped in the face. ‘Are you saying I’m not a good mother?’

  David came back towards her, trying to give her a cuddle. ‘Of course not. I just think you need to spend more time with the kids in the holidays and leave the financial side to me.’

  This time, she turned away from him. ‘Then I’ll just sit at home and play mother hen until the bailiffs knock on the door with a repossession order, shall I?’

  ‘It hasn’t reached that stage yet, Jilly, and you know it hasn’t. I’ll be late tonight, by the way, and every other night this week and for the rest of the month too.’ He gave her a strange look. ‘Meanwhile, you’d better sort out this mess you’ve got yourself into.’

  How dare he treat her like a child! But at the same time, he had a point. She needed to limit the damage caused by that awful notice on the internet.

  Quickly.

  The Parks family whom Jilly had so shamefully ‘gazumped’ lived on the other side of town where houses were one price bracket down from hers and probably four or five from Dawn’s. It didn’t, thought Jilly, as she knocked on the door of the terraced house, seem the most likely home for an au pair. This group of houses, unless she was mistaken, had only two bedrooms. But as she glanced through the window, she could see an immaculately tidy sitting room with plumped-up cushions on a beige chair and two children playing a board game on the floor. Very different from the chaos at her own home!

  The door was opened by a tall, angular woman with wire glasses who glared at Jilly with naked hostility. Perhaps this wasn’t such a great idea after all.

  ‘Jilly from the agency, I presume?’

  She gulped, remembering that Mrs Parks was a policewoman. Now as she shuffled from one foot to another on the doorstep, Jilly began to feel very stupid, just as she had during algebra lessons back in her school days. ‘Thank you for seeing me.’

  The woman held the door open. ‘I haven’t got long. You’d better come in.’