by A. L. Wood
I raise my eyebrow in questions. What’s wrong with the crew? I am part of the fucking crew.
“You really thought you would be rooming with the road crew? Lady, are you crazy? I’m not saying that they are a bunch of creeps, but I don’t know them, nor do you. I won’t be able to sleep at night knowing you're on that bus. I love my sleep, so you are staying with us. You can even choose whatever bed you want.”
“I don't care where I sleep, but all of the stuff I need is now on that bus.” I finally reply.
“Well, I’m sure you've planned some stops along the way right? These buses can’t run on air.” Jason asks.
“Yeah, right.” I really don't want to disclose the information that I, in fact, did not plan this tour. That being said, just this morning I was given all of the information that I had been waiting on, and I haven't had time to read through it all. Which is why I really need my laptop and purse, they contain every piece of information I have on the upcoming months. If there are any issues, I need to be on top of it.
“Why don't you take a seat, you don't look so well.” Jason says pulling me over to a small couch. I pull my arm out of his grasp and walk back over to the front of the bus, near the seat for the driver.
This is when I take the opportunity to look around. To my right is an LCD television in the corner of the wall aiming in the direction of the long sofa that’s lining the side of the bus, a couch that also pulls out to a bed. A little beyond the couch is a table that has seating on each side and directly in front of me is a long running counter that has a stove situated in the middle and a refrigerator at the end of the counter span. The bus looks and smells brand new, its floors are sleek and shiny and the curtains on the windows are drawn letting the sun shine its way in.
The driver seat remains empty, until I feel a tap on my shoulder. “Name Jim. I’m one of the drivers for the band, mind letting me in?”
A blush creeps over my face that I was standing here blocking the man’s path. “Sorry about that, I’m Abagail, the bands new tour manager. Apparently this will be my bus for the duration of the trip.” He looks at me with annoyance, then I realize I still haven’t moved. I step away from the entrance to the bus and into the living area. “Sorry.” I repeat while he starts buckling himself into the driver’s seat.
“Abby, I’ll let you choose your bunk first.” Jason saves me from further humiliating myself.
I follow Jason through the center of the bus, a hall encloses us where four bunks are located, two on each side. The beds are large enough to fit two people comfortably, the black suede curtains are opened allowing me a view of each bed. Each bed’s ceiling is equipped with an LCD television screen that can fold up into the ceiling of the bed, or if you want to watch it, you can opt to slide it down. Each bunk also has a large rectangular shaped window that’s equipped with blackout curtains. Each bed looks the same, conformed to the same color setting and amenities.
“Any bed will do.” I tell Jason, while at the same time considering trying out The Goldilocks approach. I wonder what he would think if I laid down in each bed, complaining about the softness or firmness of each bed, until settling on the last.
He’d probably think I’m crazy, so I opt to let him just choose.
“I’d say this the best bed to choose in-house. You’re lucky you’re joining us now, instead of last year. That bus was much more cramped and not nearly as pretty. Thanks are owed to Ryan for this one.” He says while pointing to the bed on my right.
“Okay. Then that’s my bed. I’ll make sure to thank Ryan.”
“I will be sleeping just across the way. Zepp will be over me while Gage will be over you. You guys will be bed partners practically.” He says laughing at his own joke.
“Gage?” I ask cautiously. He was already pissed at me this morning, reiterating mean and hurtful words he said to me months ago, that regrettable morning. I can only surmise that this would not improve his attitude towards me. If only I can get through to him, convince him to forget that night ever happened. Put it behind us and start over.
My job could be on the line if he really believes I’m only here for him because I want to manipulate him into a relationship to have access to his wealth, or his celebrity.
“Yup. Don’t worry though I don’t think he’ll mind having you as a bed partner.”
Gage chooses that exact time to make his appearance, from over Jason’s shoulder I can see his face clearly. He’s much taller than Jason, who I would guess to be at least six feet tall at the very least. While Gage has some length to his hair, Jason does not. While Jason’s face is wearing a heartwarming and welcoming smile, Gage’s lips are thinned into a grim line while his eyes are swirling with intense anger. Everything about Gage overshadows Jason, although at this point I would much rather bed ‘bed partners’ with Jason.
“She’s not staying on this bus.” Gage looks in Jason’s direction, ignoring my presence entirely.
“She can stay with us.” Jason argues back.
“No, she’s not, she can stay on the bus with the roadies. There isn’t any room for her.”
“Obviously there is room, seeing as how there are three of us on this bus and four beds. Plus, how could you throw her to the wolves like that? The roadies? Really Gage? Stop being a dick.”
“You’re aware that I’m right here, right?” I interject.
Ignored again with Gages comeback to Jason. “She’s not fucking staying on our fucking bus Jason. First gas stop and she’s off. End of discussion.” Gage says while shoving past Jason and me.
He stops at the couch, sits down and turns the television on, acting like what just happened didn’t take place. I turn back to Jason with resolve to mask my emotions. The feelings of extreme hurt, I don’t care about what has happened between him and me in the past, whatever motives Gage believes to be behind my sleeping with him, it doesn’t excuse his behavior. It doesn’t give him the right to walk all over me and treat me like he is.
“It’s all right Jason. I’ll make sure I’m off at the first stop.” I calm him, making him believe that I’m fine with what Gage said.
“Abby…”
“Really, I’m fine,” I say while sliding past Jason down the hall and into the bathroom. An easy escape from the situation.
The bathroom is tiled in a pristine white floor, a shower is located in the right corner with the toilet directly across, next to the toilet is a stainless steel sink with a smaller mirror above it. I lock the door behind me and sit on the closed seat of the toilet.
Supporting my head with my hands that are bowed on my needs, I allow my veil of strength to fall. Tears slowly flow out of my eyes, onto my hands. My breathing becomes shallow, I allow the pain to escape. Privately.
Chapter 6
“What in the fuck got into you today? You’re not acting yourself, you haven’t treated someone as you just did, not since Sam.”
“I don’t wanna hear it, Jase. And I’m not discussing Sam with you.”
“She’s not Sam. She doesn’t deserve your shit, I don’t know what happened between you two, but you better find a way to fix it. She’s going to be with us for a while and you know that Ryan won’t appreciate you treating her like you are, let alone Natalie or Layla.” Jason preaches to me.
“Got it.” I reply while turning the volume of the television up. Pretending interest in some Gordon Ramsey show.
“I’m just saying, kindness goes a long way dude. You should have seen her face, you hurt her. I’d apologize before it’s too late, before you ruin what working relationship, or fuck what friendship you can salvage.”
“I told you, end of discussion. I don’t want to talk about it or hear about it.”
“Remember my words man.” Jason says as he walks into the back area of the bus.
Gordon Ramsey’s giving some chef shit about the cleanliness of his kitchen when Abagail sits down at the table located behind me, behind the couch. I was barely watching the show, but even if I were into i
t, I wouldn’t have missed her presence.
Ridiculous, is what it is, that even after my clear misjudgments about who I originally thought she was, that I could still be attracted to her, attracted to someone like her. Someone who’s only out for their gain, who only uses people. Some might judge me because I’m not searching for the one woman who will make me happy for the rest of my life, the one I can’t live without, but I’m always honest with any prospects.
When I see that the light in their eyes is directed at me with hopes of something more, I shut it down, nicely. I’m not out to break someone’s heart, in fact far from it. I don’t want to cause another pain, heartache that even myself has felt at one time, long ago.
Sam.
Sam.
Sam.
I grimace. The person who I haven’t spared a second thought since the day she revealed her real character. A name that Jason spoke, after years of not mentioning her all because of her.
Abby.
I can’t believe that for even a fleeting moment he thought that mentioning Sam would help Abagail in any way. If anything she’s more alike Sam than any other person I’ve met. That could have been why when I first saw her seated at the bar with her friends I was immediately taken. Attracted. I needed, for the first time in a long while. She held an air of confidence, authority that she didn’t need anyone to boost her up, she knew who she was and what she wanted. I wasn’t what or who she wanted, at first.
In the hotel room, she was much more than I had anticipated. She was sweet, and insecure of her appearance. Like what she offered wouldn’t ever be enough for me, sadly it was more than enough, so much that I haven’t stopped picturing her beneath my body since that night.
So much, that even though I don’t want to share a bus with her, I don’t want to share any part of my life with her, I still want her in my bed. Under me, over me, on the side of me, I want her. Nevertheless, that’s what has me so frustrated, her being here has the power to weaken me. I haven’t been with anyone since I was last with her, even though it was only once. My body rejects all others. I’ve tried relentlessly.
She cannot stay on this bus.
“You can’t stay on this bus, I mean it, the first stop and you’re off.”
“Don’t worry, I didn’t bother unpacking. As soon as Jim pulls up to the gas pump I’ll be out of your hair.” Abagail says with a stone rigid face, hiding her hurt at my words.
I’m such a fucking asshole, so much so that I want to hurt her. For making me want her so much, for playing with my head. If I don’t hurt her, I’ll fuck her and the latter is a better option seeing as how she’s only after one thing, and that isn’t me.
“Good.” I say turning my attention back to the show I was watching, feigning interest.
Out of the corner of my eye I can see her pull out her cellphone from her pocket and start fidgeting with it. Her attempt at ignoring me, and the situation. I’m kind of perplexed that she never put up a fight to stay on the bus. That she would rather just go to the roadie bus instead of arguing with me. With the confidence she eludes I surely would have thought she would have at least said something. Not that it would have changed my mind one way or the other.
If she stays on this bus, sleeping right below my bunk I would have all I could do not to join her in hers. It’s safer this way. I can’t allow myself to fall under her trap of fake innocence.
She ran, as soon as Jim pulled up to the pump like she said she would. If only her running away from me didn’t sting so much, I almost yelled out to her for her to stop and just stay. Almost. Meaning that I caught myself before I made that mistake, I slammed my mouth shut and walked into a convenience store.
“What is wrong with you?” Ryan sneers in my ear. He’s pissed.
“Nothing, I’m fine. What’s wrong with you?” I turn the question back onto him as I search for my favorite candy bar, Carmello. It feeds my fix for chocolate.
“Are you really trying to flip this conversation? I know you’re the reason she came running off that bus, you’re the only one who would have the balls to be such a dick to our new tour manager. Since it seems that you don’t want to share what your issue is then let me make my point now. Whatever your problem is with her, put it behind you. This is her job. I’m sure she plans on remaining professional and doesn’t want someone with an agenda fucking it up for her.”
“Seems to me you’ve forgotten how I had your back when it came to Natalie. It wasn’t that long ago that you were trying to ruin just because you wanted to. Didn’t I ever question your actions? Let me answer that for you, no. I didn’t. Liam was the only one to ever go against what you were doing. Do me the same favor I did for you, leave your opinions to yourself.” I walk over to the cashier and pay for my chocolate while Ryan looks dumbfounded in the aisle.
Not waiting for him to comeback with something else to say I leave the store and get on my bus. As soon as everyone’s back on board in their respective busses we hit the road, without another stop for at least a few hundred miles. I make my escape from anyone else’s opinions by climbing onto my bunk and shutting the curtain. The rule has always been the same, if the curtains closed do not disturb, for fear of catching someone else masturbating or even better, fucking. I’d rather them believe I’m jerking off then thinking about her, questioning myself over my actions.
Could this become another regret?
Needing to get her out of my head, I start thinking about our tour, Renegade Fest. We have other bands opening along the way, different ones at each show. Our label signed up at least ten newer bands, just getting their foot in the door of the business and a few other successful bands who haven’t hit it as high as us as openers right before we come on, they get the energy of the crowd amped up for us.
This tour will be the easiest one that we’ve ever done. One show a week for eight weeks then a three-week vacation before we start the second leg of our journey. Our first stop is in Raleigh, North Carolina. We were there before, about three years ago. Our show had sold out then as it has now, it’s also a beautiful state. We’ll most likely have a bit of time there before and after the show, time that I’m hoping to be able to spend at the beach.
Chapter 7
I stand up in the bathroom, collecting myself. Shrouding myself in a blanket of armor, preventing his words from penetrating my oddly thin skin.
Normally, when someone says something about me, I can rub it right off. I don’t think twice about their insults, or mean words. I’ve never been affected by someone’s callous words, his words for some reason cut me, with depth. I can’t shake it off as I can with anyone else.
I look in the mirror, correcting any loose hair that’s managed to fly away, and walk out of the bathroom. Jason has managed to disappear, I haven’t seen Zepp since I’ve stepped foot on the bus and I can see that Gage is seated on the couch immersed in a show. I choose to sit far away from him, placing my bag on the seat next to me at a small table.
“You can’t stay on this bus, I mean it, the first stop and you’re off.” Gage says while still looking at the television.
Inside, I crumble. The shield I placed on myself only moments ago fell away in tattered fragments of my imagination. To have thought that crying my pain away, then collecting myself would have protected me from the pain of his words.
I reapply a mask, one devoid of emotion.
“Don’t worry, I didn’t bother unpacking. As soon as Jim pulls up to the gas pump I’ll be out of your hair.”
“Good.” He says a smirk on his face.
He’s happy that I gave in. I could stick around and linger on the bus, be a pain in the ass person and his tour manager, but I’d rather not argue. I would rather leave that night where it was without any more horrid memories of things he said. I would rather he not say anything else that could cause me to regret taking this job.
I slide my cellphone out of my pocket and start playing my new obsession, Candy Crush. The game is pointless, but addicting. In what
feels like no time, we’re already exiting the thruway to get gas. I must have spent a lot longer in the bathroom than I thought I had.
As soon as Jim puts the bus I park I tumble out of there. Running away from Gage as fast as I can, hoping to hide my hurt just a little bit longer. I see Ryan stepping off the bus on the other side of us so I go in search of the only other one that can be housing the road crew.
Ryan stops me as I board the roadie bus.
“Hey, are you okay?” He asks me.
“Me? Oh, yeah I’m fine.” I stumble out. “I figured there would be more room on this bus, and a little more quiet so I can get some work done.” I lie about the reasoning of switches busses being that we just started this trip.
“It’s just that you looked like you were running, I wanted to make sure that no one was giving you problems.” He says, questioning me.
“Nope, no running. I’ve never been a runner, I’m clumsy as hell. I was never any good at sports, running included so you don’t have to worry about me running.” I ramble.
Mortified. I attempt to do the opposite of what I just told Ryan I couldn’t do, run. Fast. Onto the bus, when he reaches out for my arm and latches on pulling me to face him.
“Who was it?” He looks pissed.
I remain silent. I don’t even know him, personally, anything I know I’ve learned throughout the years of being a hardcore fan, even then I learned more from the paperwork the label sent over to me about this tour. He doesn’t owe me anything, he doesn’t have to fight my battles, so I tell him so.
“I’ll be all right. You don’t have to worry over me, or fight my battles.”
“It’s not about fighting your battles Abagail. This is my band, my family, my fucking life,” he says harshly. “If someone is being a dick, I want to know, I want to fix it. Even if they’re one of my own, or just happen to work for the label. It’s not right.”
“Thank you, really, for wanting to help me. But I can deal with this on my own, I don’t need you dealing with it for me. I’m not telling you who it was, he and I can figure this out for ourselves. Now, if it’s okay with you I would really like to get situated on this bus, unpack and maybe have a shower before I have to start working.”