Cannibal Dwarf Detective: An Ephemeral Beardening
Page 10
Jeac stomps on the ground and the walls around them creak loudly. He stomps again with such force that a shockwave ripples through the ground and launches the sentient nanner into the ceiling. Then, that entire section of the tower that they are in falls off, because why not? Jeac rushes away from the scene of the awesome double homicide and heads to the roof.
“I have to get to the murder shaft!” he says. “I have to make things right.”
Alfonzo hangs onto a beam and with all his remaining strength he pulls himself up and over the edge. He crawls to his sons destroyed desk and hits the comically large panic button sitting underneath. An alarm that sounds like someone hitting a bag of cats with a dying walrus goes off to alert all of the forces in the tower that something really bad is going on.
Why this button didn’t exist before with the golem and stuff, I don’t know. Maybe they developed it after the golem situation. Who really cares?
Upon hearing the stupid sounding alarm, all of the cops in the tower know what’s up. Jeac has gone insane! Yeah, I just decided the alarm is for precisely that. So ignore the garbage about it maybe being about the golem. They form squads and suit up.
Jeac hears the alarm as well and thinks it is nothing more than a beautiful song. He starts humming along as he sprints up the central staircase, decapitating and mutilating anyone who gets in his way. He reaches a wooden barricade and hops over it as a group of Piccassi yells at him and tells him he’s wanted for questioning. He assumes it’s a trap because it is and shoots one in the face and cuts the legs off another. He scalps them and eats their limbs.
“If it’s just me against all the rest of the tower I could be in trouble,” he realizes. “Wait. My old friend! The Ted Lincoln and the other people!”
He continues up the stairs until he reaches the desolate remains of what used to be Ronin territory. It’s now the new top of the tower. He climbs up a statue of the late Mu, who someone has drawn a penis on. While sitting cross-legged atop the head of the statue, Jeac claps his hands together and begins making cartoon bat noises. He peers off across the blood ocean at Mount Graevelay. The world shakes and the top of the mountain bends like a straw. The shaking subsides for a moment and then increases in strength tenfold, as the volcano erupts and shoots pyroclastics in the direction of the tower.
Shadows begin to dot the concrete around Jeac so he sprints for cover. Rock shards of various sizes start spreading about as small objects crater into the ground. Out of some of the craters arise his dwarf brethren. Others continue through the entirety of the tower due to the bullet-like velocity of their launch. They explode upon impact with various objects in or around the tower. Some of the Chandakan believe their new shark gods have granted them a copious supply of grape jelly.
After what will forever be known as the Dwarf-Hail – by what historian I do not know – Jeac gathers with his compatriots at the edge of the tower. Wading in their direction on top of the most adorable giant kitten you can imagine, is Ted Lincoln. He is holding a scepter made of bamboo adorned with an aerosol cheese product. As he grows nearer to the tower the kitten yawns and purrs. Ted Lincoln raises his scepter.
“It is I, Ted Lincoln!” he declares.
His name echoes back through the crowd of excited dwarves.
“Yes, we can see that,” one unamused dwarf named Charles scoffs from the back like a smart ass.
Ted Lincoln scowls and pushes down on the button on top of the can of cheese and it jettisons forty-two hundred feet into Charles’ mouth as he grins stupidly. Charles begins to choke to death and falls to his knees.
“Ha!” Ted Lincoln laughs. “Just kiddin’!”
He retracts the cheese back into the can and is fine because for some reason the other author is sympathetic with this random character who literally only exists in this paragraph. I’m being told I’m a dick.
Anyway, the dwarves start dancing around and start chanting some random garbage and the kitten starts climbing the tower. Lots of people die. When it reaches the top it eats Charles.
“Noooo!” the other author yells. “Not Charles!”
The kitten curls up into a ball and goes to sleep. The dwarves start running in all directions with no plan other than kill. Ted Lincoln and Jeac head to the door that leads to the murder shaft and Jeac eats it.
Ted Lincoln helps Jeac up and places his hand on Jeac’s shoulder. Ted Lincoln nods towards Jeac with such admiration that Jeac gets a splitting headache and bleeds from his eyes and nostrils. Jeac stares deeply back into Ted Lincoln’s eyes, but his gaze has no affect on the mighty dwarf. After a long while wasted in competitive brotherly appreciation they giggle through the very intense awkwardness and continue towards the murder shaft.
Meanwhile, lots of dwarves and tower cop people have an epic battle and it’s pretty cool. You should picture it and then draw it or something because, yeah. I will tell you that one Sky-Cop sees Jeac and Ted Lincoln head into the murder shaft and follows them. He gets there right after they do.
Apparently, they find some kind of fat nuke that Ranch and Water Baby had left behind and so they take it, dump it in the bucket, and then they fight the Sky-Cop. The Sky-Cop tears off Ted Lincoln’s head with his feet and then Jeac strangles him with his beard. It’s very intense. Super gory. There’s also cheese everywhere.
The nuke shows signs of explodiness so Jeac commandeers the dead Sky-Cops’ jet pack. He flies off into space as Chandaka blows up behind him and after a few minutes he comes to the realization that there is no air in space. As he’s suffocating he watches globs of the blood ocean, no longer bound by the non-existent gravity of the planet, drift off into space. Jeac pops like a balloon. He’s dead.
THE END.
About the Authors
Hayden Wiseman lives in Vancouver, WA and really enjoys coffee. He’s writing two other books and will release them when he feels like it. Follow on Twitter for nonsense garbage tweets: @HedinnWeis
Hunter Wiseman also lives in Vancouver, WA and is very greatly satisfied by a quality dump each morning and also in the afternoon and sometimes mid-day. Follow on SnapChat for nonsense garbage tweets: Aniquicklegs.