by Allie Gail
“Yes, you are. You always try to keep it covered up around other people. It’s not that bad, you know.”
“It’s bad enough.”
“How many others are there?”
“Two.”
“Where are they?”
“One’s just above my knee. The other’s here.” He touched a spot just below his left shoulder.
“Is that why you never wear shorts? Because of the one on your leg?”
“Mm.”
“Can I see them?”
“Why do you want to see them?”
“Because they’re part of you.” She couldn’t express what she meant, not with words. It was just that she didn’t want him to think there was any part of him that she could ever find ugly.
“Is this a ploy to get me to take my pants off?” he teased.
“No, pervo! Okay, fine, then just show me the one on your shoulder.”
“I can’t right now.”
“Why not? Nobody’ll see.”
He sighed. “You really want to know?”
“Yes. I really want to know!”
Grasping the neckline of his grey t-shirt, he pulled it down, stretching it far enough that she could see the black nylon brace underneath.
“Oh. Shit. I forgot about your back brace.”
“Yeah.”
“Sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry about.”
“Does it hurt you much?”
“Not as much as it used to.”
“Can I ask you one more thing?”
“You can ask me two things.”
“You never told me why.”
“Why what?”
“Why those guys did what they did to you.”
“Do you really need to know, Anna?”
“I’m just trying to understand how something like that could happen. I mean, was it something you did that made them mad?”
“I guess you could say that.”
“Something bad?”
“Yeah, baby. I guess they thought it was pretty bad.” She was struck by the sudden sadness in his voice.
“Alex, I’m sorry. Look, forget I brought it up, okay? We’ll never mention it again. Whatever happened, it doesn’t matter anymore.”
He smiled wistfully. “Anna, my love. Everything matters.”
****
At precisely seven o’clock, Alex left his home for the Moore residence, his heart heavy with the task at hand. Summer was slipping away. There could be no more procrastination. It was time. For better or worse, she’d soon know the truth.
The idea that he might never be able to hold her again made him sick. It was possible, hell, even likely that he’d lose her friendship as well. How would he fill the empty days without his Anna? Could she forgive him his deceit?
He could see her out on the back patio, and mentally said a little prayer that things wouldn’t go as badly as he feared. Your time is up, fraud. You have to confess. You have to look into the eyes of the only girl you ever loved and tell her now. Tell her that everything about you is a lie.
****
The night was balmy and beautiful, with a summer breeze that carried the sweet fragrance of wild honeysuckle blossoms and fresh-cut grass. Anna was relaxing contentedly at the patio table, her bare feet propped up on another chair, when Alex strolled over from next door. “Hi, Princess.”
She smiled. “Hi yourself, Prince Charming. The moon looks pretty tonight, doesn’t it?” It shone full and very bright in the clear sky.
“Yeah. It does.”
“Erica just called a few minutes ago. She wants to know if we want to go canoeing next weekend with her and Josh.”
“Ah . . . I . . . I don’t know. Next weekend might not be good.”
“Really? How come?”
“I just . . . I’m not sure yet. Can we let her know later?”
“I guess so. Is something wrong?”
“Wrong. Yes . . . sort of . . .”
“What is it?”
“Do you think we could go inside?”
“Sure, if you want to.”
When Anna pulled the sliding glass door open, the air conditioning hit her like the inside of a refrigerator. Uncle Phil must have turned it down too low. Clad only in shorts and a t-shirt, her skin broke out in chill bumps so she hurried over to the thermostat and turned it up. Her stomach was starting to feel funny again. Maybe she was coming down with something.
Alex sort of looked like he might be coming down with something himself. He was sitting on the couch with his arms crossed, like maybe he was chilly, too. She curled up beside him, and his skin was cold. “You want a blanket?” she offered.
“No, thanks.”
“So what’s wrong? Are you not feeling well?”
“No. I mean . . . that’s not it. I feel fine. I just . . . I need to talk to you.” He looked at her anxiously. “I have something to tell you and it’s really important and I . . . shit, I don’t even know how to tell you.”
Filled with sudden dread, Anna’s thoughts raced through a kaleidoscope of scenarios. He wants to break up with me. He’s found someone else. His family is moving to Alaska. He has some horrible, incurable disease. Please, please don’t let this be as bad as it sounds! Not when everything was going so well. When everything was so perfect. She swallowed nervously. “Just tell me. It can’t be all that bad. Right?” Her own voice sounded unsure.
He hesitated for what seemed to her an eternity. “Anna, you do know how I feel about you, don’t you? You must know how much I love you.”
So . . . he hasn’t fallen out of love with me, at least. “Yes, I know.”
“Please keep that in mind. Will you do that for me?”
“Of course.”
“And . . . I want you to know up front that I should have told you this already. Before we ever started dating. I just . . . I couldn’t . . . but you need to know . . .”
“Alex, you’re starting to freak me out. What is it?”
“You remember last night when we were talking about what happened in Indiana?”
“Getting beat up, you mean?”
“Yes. You . . . asked me then what I did to deserve it.”
“I don’t think I worded it quite like that,” she recalled dubiously.
“Well . . . at any rate. You wanted to know why. And now I’m going to tell you.”
“I told you, it doesn’t matter! I mean, if you want to tell me, that’s fine, but it doesn’t make any . . .”
“They did it because I’m transgender.”
Time stood still.
****
Charlotte checked her watch when she heard the front door slam.
“What are you doing home already? I thought you had to work until nine.” She pulled her hair out of the ponytail holder and shook it out. She’d just gotten in from the gym herself, and was looking forward to a nice hot bath. Creed would probably want dinner now, though.
Distracted, he looked around the living room. “I left early. Alex here?”
“No, he’s next door. He left a note.”
“How long has he been gone?”
“I don’t know. I just got home. Why?”
“No reason.” Creed said nothing else, but continued to stand in the same spot, staring at the blank television screen as if he had something on his mind.
“Something you want to talk about?”
Pulled out of his reverie, he grinned. “You know me too well.”
“I’m your mother. It’s my job.”
Creed plopped down on the sofa. “I was kinda worried about Alex.”
“Why? What’s going on?”
“He’s telling Anna tonight.”
“Aye, yi yi.” Charlotte sat next to her son. “So how do you think it’ll go?”
“I hate to even consider. I wouldn’t want to be in his shoes right now.”
“Well, all we can do is hope for the best.”
“He never should have started dating her. I told him!”
“How can you be so blasé about what he’s been doing?”
“What has he been doing?”
“Trying to pretend he’s something he’s not!” Creed shook his head in frustration. “It’s easy for us to see him as a boy. He’s always been that to us. But to other people, what is he? They’ll all view him as some kind of freak!”
Charlotte narrowed her eyes. “Don’t ever call your brother that. I’m surprised at you, Creed. Why are you so worried about what other people will think?”
He looked incredulous. “Are you forgetting what happened last time it got out?”
“Of course I haven’t forgotten. But everyone isn’t like that, honey. Most people aren’t vicious and cruel. They’re just . . . people. Like us.” She reached over to ruffle his hair. “And have a little faith in Alex. He isn’t fifteen anymore. He’s mature enough to handle whatever happens.”
“Are you still going to have that same point of view when he comes home with a broken heart?”
Charlotte sighed. “Oh, sweetheart. Don’t you know by now? Heartbreak is just a part of life.”
****
Anna blinked. “You’re . . . what?”
“Female-to-male transgender.” His eyes refused to meet hers.
She stared at him, unable to comprehend. What the hell was he talking about? Was this a joke? “Alex, stop screwing around. That’s not funny.”
“It’s not supposed to be funny. I’m serious.” He wasn’t smiling. If he was trying to pull one over on her, he was doing a damn good job of it. Even Karen wasn’t that adept at carrying a poker face.
She noticed, then, that his hands were shaking. Jesus Christ. He isn’t kidding.
Her mouth opened slightly. “You’re trying to tell me that . . . what, that you’re a girl?”
“Not exactly.”
“Okay then, so exactly what are you telling me?”
“It’s kind of a gender identity thing.”
“You’re gay?” Sebastian’s words returned to her, taunting.
“You’re confused, sweetheart. Let me see if I can explain this a little better.” He rubbed his palms back and forth across his jeans nervously. “I was born in a girl’s body, it’s true. But I’ve always felt like a guy. When I look in the mirror, that’s what I see. It’s hard to explain. It’s like . . . my brain knows I’m a guy, but my body didn’t get the memo. Do you understand what I’m saying?”
“Not really.”
“I don’t know how to make it any clearer, Anna.”
Her head was spinning. Through a murky haze of bewilderment, she heard her own voice creep through the fog. “You’re a girl.”
“You haven’t been listening. I’m not a girl. I just resemble one.”
“Oh, God . . .”
“Nothing has to change with us.” He didn’t sound as if he believed it himself. “I don’t want you to look at me differently just because physically I’m not what you expected.”
“What I expected?” She laughed, and it sounded hysterical, even to her. “I can tell you one thing. This is the last thing I expected. This is . . .” Her voice trailed off, as something occurred to her. “But you’re completely flat-chested!”
“I bind them. Fortunately they’re really small to begin with.”
“You don’t wear a back brace.”
“It’s a compression vest.” He looked decidedly uncomfortable.
“Then your spine . . .”
“Healed a long time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the whole truth.”
“The whole truth? The whole truth? Alex, you were so far from the truth you couldn’t find it with a map!” Her stomach ached worse. This couldn’t be happening. It just couldn’t. She stared numbly at the boy she’d come to love, in a desperate attempt to process this mad revelation, searching all the while for some lucid explanation. Some obvious reason why it couldn’t possibly be true. Her memory, in a twisted act of betrayal, chose instead to point out just the opposite.
His long eyelashes. Remember, Anna? His soft skin. The graceful way he walks. You thought he never took his clothes off because of the scars, didn’t you? Fool. And you let him . . . you let him . . .
“Baby, please don’t look at me like that.” He reached for her hand, but she jerked it away. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I was just afraid of someone finding out. I never thought things would go this far.”
“We . . . I let you . . . I . . .”
“Listen to me. I know what I did was unconscionable. I do, I know that. And you have every right to hate me. I just need you to know that it wasn’t my intention to let things go so far. Not at first. Dammit, I don’t even know what I was thinking. Every time I saw you, every time I was near you, I wanted to touch you so bad . . .”
She fixed her eyes on him. “Well. You sure do think like a guy, don’t you? Letting your hormones dictate your actions. This is great. Just great. So what . . . now you’ve turned me into a . . . lesbo or something? What am I even supposed to say to you? I don’t have any idea who you are!”
“I’m still me. I haven’t changed.”
“The hell you haven’t!” She wasn’t quite yelling, but her voice was loud and angry. “How can I even look at you the same? After you’ve been lying to me all this time? Does anyone else know about this? Does your mother know?” As soon as the words left her mouth, she realized how utterly idiotic they sounded. But she couldn’t seem to form any coherent thoughts.
“You’re asking me if my mother knows?” Alex was incredulous. He almost smiled, which only made Anna madder. She jumped up.
“Is this funny to you? Dropping this in my lap after playing with my emotions all this time? What is this, your idea of end-of-summer entertainment? You know what - fuck you!”
Alex stood up and tried again, unsuccessfully, to reach for her. “Anna . . .”
“Don’t touch me! You’re a fucking liar and I want you to leave! Get out! Now!” She gave him a stone cold look that made it abundantly clear she meant business. Never mind the tears in her eyes. She’d deal with those later.
Resigned, he walked toward the front door and opened it, pausing only long enough to direct one last comment her way. “You were willing to accept the scars because they were part of me. This is part of me, too. So ask yourself one thing, Anna. Did you love me for me, or for what’s underneath my clothes?”
Then he was gone.
18
When Philip and Lisa returned three hours later, they assumed Anna had already gone to bed. And she had, sure, but not to sleep. She wondered if she’d ever be able to sleep again. Her pillow was damp with tears, and she ached all over. The world no longer made sense. How could he have been so blatantly deceitful? Why had he lied to her all this time? He’d made such a fool of her.
And now, here she was, left with not only the knowledge that she’d never really known who he was, but now she didn’t even know who she was anymore.
A million crazy thoughts raced through her mind. What did this mean for her? Did it mean she was gay? How could she fall in love with another girl? It was so hard to fathom that every time she’d looked into those soft blue eyes, another girl looked back at her.
She tried to picture herself kissing Erica or Karen, or even Bailey, and found that she couldn’t. And that made her feel minutely better until she realized she couldn’t picture herself kissing another boy, either. Not Sebastian, not Creed or Josh or Dalton . . . so what did that mean? Once again, she was confused.
She’d been naïve enough to believe that fate no longer sought to ruin her. That life was suddenly flawlessly perfect. She never should have let her guard down, never should have trusted herself to be so happy. It was bound to end in disaster. His casual betrayal served as proof. The beautiful illusion was shattered.
If she hadn’t been so blindly in love, her eyes might have been open enough to see the trut
h from the beginning.
But then . . . nobody else seemed to know the truth, either. She hadn’t asked, but she had the distinct impression that even Josh was unaware of Alex’s charade. How was it possible that none of them knew? How could nobody have seen it?
How could you expect them to see what you couldn’t see yourself? You were closer to him than anyone, yet you didn’t have a clue. Never even suspected. You were kidding yourself, thinking that his honorable character was what prevented him from taking full advantage of you. Stupid, stupid girl. To believe in happily-ever-afters.
****
Creed glanced out the kitchen window while loading the dishwasher for his mom the next afternoon and saw Anna lying in the front porch swing, next door. He rinsed off the plate in his hands, stuck it in the dishwasher, and dried his hands on a dishtowel, all the while mulling over whether to get involved. Although, he’d already gotten himself involved by trying to advise Alex, who had been locked in his room since last night, refusing to talk to anyone.
That advice wasn’t working out so hot for him.
And so, guilty conscience winning out, he headed out the front door and strode over to the Moore place, wondering why he couldn’t have just kept his big mouth shut in the first place.
Anna, hearing footsteps, was startled but appeared to relax somewhat when she saw that it wasn’t Alex, only his older brother. As he walked up the front porch steps and approached her, she gave him a suspicious look; however, she did move her feet out of the way so he could sit beside her on the swing.
For a while neither of them spoke. Creed had never seen her look so awful. She was pale, her eyes rimmed with red. One hand was wrapped tightly around something hanging from her neck on a silver chain. The other clutched her belly as if she was in pain. And maybe she was. Heartbreak was a painful thing.
Her voice, when she finally spoke, was quiet and flat. “If you’re worried I’m going to tell anyone, don’t bother. I’m not.” She stared off into the distance, her face emotionless.
“This is my fault.” His admission brought no response from the girl. She continued to gaze blankly at nothing. To say nothing.
Not even sure if she would listen, he began to talk, spilling everything from the very beginning, hoping that maybe something he said might erase some of the damage done. It was all he could do for her.