by Allie Gail
“Ever since she could walk, Lexie was always tagging along after me, trying to do everything I did and be just like me. She never was your typical little girl. She wasn’t, like, afraid of bugs or snakes, and she didn’t cry like a baby when she got hurt. You know, that kind of stuff. Never wanted to play with dolls, played with my toys instead. Always drove me crazy. Drove our parents crazy, too. The first day of kindergarten, when Mom tried to make Lexie wear a dress, she threw herself on the floor and had one hell of a screaming fit. After that, Mom just gave up and let her wear what she wanted, which was usually my hand-me-downs.
“Over the years, we all started to realize that Lexie wasn’t just a tomboy. When she was about nine or so, she took the scissors into the bathroom and whacked off all her hair. She refused to wear anything but boys’ clothes. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed by her behavior. Especially when she got a little older and I had to listen to people call my sister a dyke.
“When she was twelve years old, Lexie informed us at the dinner table one night that she was changing her name to Alex and from that point on, she didn’t respond to any other name, no matter how much it pissed off our dad. He never could understand why she wouldn’t act like a girl should. It frustrated him to no end. Mom was a lot more understanding, but the whole situation caused a lot of friction between her and Dad.”
He took a deep breath at this point, then sighed. It felt strange to unload all this after having spent so much time trying to pretend none of it ever happened. Strange, but . . . good, somehow. Maybe this is why people go to therapists.
“So . . . on that night my sister Lexie left us forever, and was replaced with Alex. My brother. Not a lot really changed between us, but he still caught a lot of flak at school. Nothing we couldn’t deal with though, between the two of us. Maybe I didn’t understand him sometimes, but I loved him enough that I saw red whenever anyone picked on him. I got into more than one fight defending him, that’s for sure. And to be honest, he could hold his own in a fight too, you know? He wouldn’t back down. The guy’s as stubborn as a mule.
“Anyhow, after a couple of years had passed, our parents suddenly decided to divorce. Out of the blue, or so it seemed, although we should have seen it coming. One night, our dad packed up his stuff and left after we’d gone to bed, without even saying goodbye. Just like that. And . . . I’m not proud of this, but I . . . I blamed Alex. The truth was, our parents had had problems for years, the least of which was a gender-confused kid. But it was easier for me to lay it all on my brother. I couldn’t blame Dad – he wasn’t around anymore. So in my mind, it made perfect sense.
“We left Toronto soon afterwards and moved to Indiana. Mom has a sister there, and I guess she wanted to go someplace where she had some family. It was around that time that Alex lost it. Even though he was enrolled in school as a male, and nobody aside from the principal knew any better, he still seemed to be battling some demon. I think maybe it could have been because I placed the blame on him for the divorce and the move. I hadn’t wanted to leave Canada. I don’t know . . . all I know is he started hanging out with a bad crowd, sneaking out of the house, drinking, smoking pot. He didn’t bother studying or doing his homework. Mom didn’t know what to do with him anymore. She tried sending him to a counselor, but he’d just clam up and wouldn’t talk.”
Creed paused long enough to study Anna’s face. Nothing there indicated that she was absorbing anything he was telling her. She still stared off into the distance, fixated on the same spot, her brown eyes never wavering. No matter. Reliving the past was proving to be cathartic for him, so he continued.
“One night he slipped out of the house and hitchhiked to a keg party. Keep in mind, he was only fifteen years old at the time. He got pretty drunk. What happened after that . . . well, I didn’t get the full story until months later, after we’d already moved here. Alex didn’t tell me what happened until he was sure there was no chance of me doing something stupid. I guess he knew I’d have gone ballistic.
“So from what he told me, there was this girl there that he hooked up with. They were making out, I guess, when she unexpectedly grabs him between the legs and . . . um . . . well, you can imagine. So she freaks out and Alex, drunk as he was, still had sense enough to know it was time to leave. But while he’s walking home in the dark, this girl is busy inciting trouble by telling her ex-boyfriend and all his buddies that she’s been molested by some queer. I have no doubt she embellished it as much as possible, for the sake of drama.
“These guys, five or six of them, all much older than Alex, hopped into a truck and took off looking for him. Unfortunately, they found him. And by the time they were done, our own mother couldn’t recognize him. Some man driving home from his night shift job saw him lying on the side of the road and called an ambulance. When we got to the hospital . . .” Creed’s voice cracked, and Anna turned at last to face him.
He cleared his throat. “When we got to the hospital and saw him, Mom broke down. I never saw her like that before, and I never want to again. And me . . . I was going crazy, yelling at the police and carrying on like a raving maniac. Telling them they damn well better find who hurt my brother.
“They never did, though. Nobody witnessed the beating. People from the party were questioned, of course, but either nobody knew anything or they weren’t talking. When Alex woke up, he wouldn’t talk either. Other than to say that he wanted to die. Jesus, I can’t even tell you how that made me feel. It was agony for me but it must have been ten times worse for him. As soon as he was well enough to travel, Mom took a job here and we left and didn’t look back.
“I don’t know how or why, but somehow Alex managed to get his head on straight after we moved. He really seemed to like it here. Only . . . I guess I lived in fear of someone finding out about him and going through all that again. It was completely selfish of me, I know. I liked it here too, and I didn’t want to have to move again. I didn’t want to see him hurt anymore, either. So when you came along, I . . . well, I guess I panicked a little. Maybe I made him more afraid than he should have been.”
He reached for her arm and squeezed it gently. “Anna, I know you’re confused right now. Believe me when I tell you, I’ve been there. Alex can be a very confusing person. Mom and I, we know. But . . . maybe it’s all a lot simpler than we make it out to be. I mean, he seems to know who he is. It was the rest of us who had such a hard time accepting it. We did, though. I hope you can, too. He loves you. Don’t write him off just yet. That’s all I ask.”
Anna sighed. She folded her arms across her knees, and he could see that her hands were shaking. She’d listened. She’d heard. He’d done all he could do.
Creed stood up to leave. As he walked away, she called his name. He turned around.
“Thank you,” she said, softly.
He nodded. And hoped it was enough.
****
She walks down the Graveyard path to the mangled headstone that is hidden in the grass. It’s dark out, but she can still see clearly somehow. She knows exactly where to find the grave, as if she’s been here a hundred times before instead of just once. Kneeling, she places the daisies in her arms on the hard ground beneath the stone. There’s a cold wind, and she shivers.
A man appears by her side. Old, so very old. His face is a mass of wrinkles and his grey suit is rumpled. The little bit of hair left on his head is white. He looks sad. “Are you Lucius Pratt?” she wants to know. She isn’t afraid.
“Who are you?” he asks. She tries to answer him, but finds she can’t. She can’t remember who she is. “Who are you?” he repeats. Confused, she looks down at the headstone, but it has changed. It is now her mother’s grave. From the direction of the old man, her mother’s voice comes to her, angrily. “Who are you?”
She doesn’t look that way again, doesn’t want to see who or what might be standing there. Instead, she flees down the path, which has grown pitch black except for a pale glow in the distance, so she runs toward i
t in slow motion. It turns out to be a horse. A beautiful white horse. She reaches out to touch its milky flank, but it kicks her, hard, in her side.
****
Anna jerked awake, drenched in cold sweat and with the realization that the pain in her side was no dream. Flinging her covers and Yogi to the floor, she ran for the bathroom and barely made it to the toilet before retching violently. It was then that she knew there was something wrong with her, something that went beyond a case of shattered nerves. When she was finally done emptying her stomach, she crept downstairs and into Phil’s room, shaking the sleeping man’s shoulder.
“Uncle Phil,” she whispered tremulously. “Something’s wrong . . . I don’t feel well . . .”
He sat up in bed immediately. “What is it, pumpkin? What’s wrong?”
“I . . . I don’t know . . . my stomach was hurting and now my side hurts really bad and I just threw up . . . ow!” She doubled over, hands desperately clenching her nightgown. Phil flew out of bed, snatching on a pair of pants, shoes and a shirt in record time. Grabbing his wallet and keys, he picked Anna up in his arms and headed into the garage with her.
****
Phil had forgotten his cell phone, so he borrowed a phone from a nurse to call Lisa once he was done filling out the clipboard full of paperwork. He simply told her that Anna had appendicitis and they were at the hospital, and asked her to call Alex as well, knowing that Anna would probably want him there. Those two were inseparable.
They both arrived at nearly the same time twenty minutes later, Alex pale and quiet, Lisa more confident and brusque, asking, “Where is she?”
“She’s in surgery now. They didn’t want to waste any time. The doctor said it shouldn’t take more than an hour.”
“How long has she been in there already?” Lisa wanted to know.
“Not long. Maybe five minutes.” Phil sighed, running his fingers through his already disheveled hair. “We’ve been here a couple of hours already though. I tell you, she scared the daylights out of me. I had to pull over on the way to the hospital for her to throw up. She was hurting so bad she was crying. I just kept thinking that I should have called an ambulance instead. I had no idea what was wrong – I never had my appendix out.”
Lisa patted his arm. “Don’t worry, it’s a very common procedure. She’ll be fine.”
“That’s what the doctor said.” Phil glanced over at Alex. “Thanks for coming. I figured you’d want to be here.”
“I’m glad you called. My mom is on her way, too. She couldn’t get ready as fast as I could and I didn’t want to wait for her.” Alex wondered if Phil had any inkling of what had transpired the day before. He didn’t seem to, not that it mattered anymore. The only thing of any importance now was making Anna’s pain subside. Not just her physical pain, but the pain he’d inflicted.
“Why don’t you sit down, Philly,” Lisa urged, steering him toward a chair. “You look wiped out. Everything’s going to be fine now. Why don’t I get you some coffee?”
Phil rubbed his eyes. “Yeah, I could use a cup. Thanks.”
Declining Lisa’s offer of coffee, Alex joined Phil. He tried to concentrate on an outdated magazine, but failed. Every picture he saw was of Anna. Her tawny hair, her gold-flecked eyes . . . the anger and hurt in those eyes when he’d told her the truth. Would she ever forgive him? Could she look past it all far enough to remember that she’d loved him? Or was that just wishful thinking?
And now she was sick. He felt that he was to blame, even though he knew realistically that he couldn’t be. She’d complained of her stomach hurting on Monday. He should have paid more attention, but he was too caught up in his own problems. How could he have known, though? She’d seemed fine later. Until he fed her heart to the sharks. He hated himself for that.
Charlotte had arrived and the four of them were together in the waiting room when the surgeon appeared. “Mr. Moore? Your daughter is doing fine. We removed the appendix laparoscopically before it ruptured and there were no complications. She’s in recovery now. All her vital signs are normal. As soon as she starts to wake up, we’ll move her into a private room and you can see her.”
Phil didn’t bother to correct the doctor. He simply closed his eyes, sighed, and said, “Thank God.” Then he shook the doctor’s hand and thanked him.
“You’re very welcome. I’ll make sure someone lets you know as soon as we move her.”
Phil sank back into the chair, relieved. “What a night,” he commented wearily.
Lisa laughed. “Better get used to emergency room visits if you’re planning on having babies someday.”
He smiled weakly. “Thanks for the optimism, babe.” A quick look at his watch told him it was morning already. “Why don’t you guys go down to the cafeteria and get some breakfast? I’ll wait here.”
“I’m not hungry,” Alex said, flipping absently through yet another magazine.
Charlotte yawned. “Well, unless I’m needed here, I better get home and change. I have to be in court at nine.”
“I appreciate you coming, Charlotte,” Phil said.
“What are neighbors for? You just let me know if you need anything, okay?” She gave him a quick hug, then kissed Alex on the cheek. “See you later, sweetie.”
“Bye, Mom.”
“I’ll walk you out to your car,” Lisa offered. “I need to stretch my legs a bit.”
It seemed hours before a nurse finally appeared with Anna’s room number, although it wasn’t really that long. She said it was all right if the three of them went in, even though Anna had promptly fallen asleep again after being moved. The nurse said she’d probably be groggy for a while yet. Alex took the chair nearest her and sat there, watching her sleep while Phil and Lisa chatted quietly on the other side of the room. With her eyes closed and her features relaxed, it was easy to pretend she didn’t hate him. If only it were true.
****
Anna thought she was dreaming again. She was very sleepy, but her eyelids fluttered open just long enough to see him beside her, watching her, his expression one of concern. She struggled again to open her own eyes and keep them open.
Funny. He didn’t look any different. Same soft brown hair, same aqua-blue eyes. Shouldn’t he look different to her now? But he didn’t. He didn’t. He hadn’t changed. Regardless of what he’d told her, nothing had changed.
“You’re still my Alex,” she said softly, her voice filled with wonder.
The blue eyes she loved so much filled with tears. “Yeah,” he said. “I’m still your Alex.”
EPILOGUE
The reception hall was crowded with dozens of people. Some were familiar faces, others new ones she’d met at the rehearsal. Still others she’d never seen before. The tables were garnished with red and orange autumn leaves , miniature pumpkins, and colorful winter squashes and gourds, in keeping with November tradition.
Anna and Karen were seated near a table of hors d’oeuvres , giggling together over the spectacle of at least forty people attempting to do the Electric Slide. Erica had dragged a protesting Josh onto the dance floor as well, and they were constantly bumping into one another, laughing hysterically. In the midst of the crowd was Philip, dashingly handsome in a black tuxedo, holding the hand of his new bride as she tried to sidestep without tripping over the chapel train of her wedding dress. Lisa had never looked more radiant.
Anna loved her own maid of honor dress, a strapless charmeuse gown in a gorgeous sapphire blue. Especially since Alex couldn’t seem to take his eyes off her tonight. Of course, watching him make his way toward her from across the room, she thought he looked pretty incredible himself.
“What were you talking to the DJ about?” she wanted to know.
“Just making a request.” His eyes twinkled mischievously. “I asked him to play the Chicken Dance next.”
“You did not!”
“I did so.”
“You’re crazy if you think I’m making an idiot out of myself,” Karen announced. “I di
dn’t get all dressed up to come here and flap my arms like a spastic bird. You guys can go right on ahead without me. I’m going over to the bar and see if I can sneak a glass of champagne.”
“You don’t want champagne. You want that blonde bartender you’ve been checking out since we got here!” Anna grinned. Actually, she was glad to see Karen back to her old self. She and Dalton had split up five weeks after he left for college in Illinois. Neither of them wanted a long-distance relationship.
“Maybe I’ll get lucky and wind up with both.” Karen winked over her shoulder as she headed off in the direction of the bar. “Wish me luck!”
Anna waved to her, then turned her attention back to Alex. “Your mom’s date seems nice.”
“Yeah, I thought he was. It’s about time she started dating. Even Creed told her she needed to get out more.”
“Where is Creed? Did he leave already?”
“I think he and Jen are out by the gazebo.”
The strains of a familiar melody suddenly caught Anna’s attention. The song . . . it was the one playing that night at the Graveyard. The night they first danced. The moment she’d wanted to hold onto forever.
Alex smiled at her. “Dance with me, Princess,” he said, offering his hand.
She took it, as the butterflies began their own special dance. He still had that unique way of quickening her heartbeat.
“I can’t believe you remembered this song,” she marveled, wrapping her arms around his neck.
“How could you think I’d forget? It was the first time I ever held you. I knew right then, I was in deep.”
“You’re not sorry, are you?”
“Only that I wasn’t more honest with you. It took all the courage I had to finally come clean.”
“Do you think you’ll ever tell Josh and the others?”
“Ah, Anna. I don’t know. I’m not sure the world is ready yet for people like me.”
She rested her head on his shoulder. “I’ll be by your side, no matter what you decide to do.”