by Mj Fields
I can.
Yet, she’s not ready. I know it. I sense it. I see it.
She’s not ready, but she wants it, too.
I kiss the side of her head then use every ounce of strength I have to step back.
She looks confused, shocked...beautiful.
“Can I help wrap?”
She nods. “Yeah, of course.”
When we sit on the floor, she sighs. “I’m mad at you, so mad at you, but it’s Christmastime, so...I guess we’ll call a truce.”
“Yeah?” I ask with a light smile.
She looks at me again, like she expects more of a fight.
“So, does this truce last through the New Year, or is it strictly a Christmas thing?”
“Depends on you, I suppose,” she says, trimming a red shiny paper to match the box she has between her legs.
“So, there are rules to the truce?”
She nods. “Don’t take them from me again.”
“Ava...” I sigh.
“Just...I don’t know, Luke, but I can’t.” She pauses. “You can’t.”
“So, if I want them, I have to do it here?” I ask, grabbing a box to wrap.
“I don’t know, but—”
“You told me to lawyer up, Ava.”
“Yes, and today I listened to a little girl spout fairy tales about a dead man and her conversation, and I believed it.”
I can’t help laughing. “Apparently, she has dreams where she talks to him. Tessa used to have dreams, too.”
She looks up at me. “Really?”
I nod. “Dreams of my father’s accident and the birth of a boy”—I point to myself—“before the accident.”
“And they didn’t know she was pregnant until after your father—”
“So I’ve been told a million times.” I half-laugh.
“Death and life,” she whispers.
“And everything in-between.” I nod. “We had one hell of a year, blue eyes. We did it alone. Next year will be different.”
“Luke, don’t,” she whispers, but I see an ease in her words that hasn’t been there since before we got home.
“I won’t lie, and you know it’s true. This year, lives were changed forever.”
“That they were,” she says, holding two little boxes.
“What do you have there?”
“The only things I picked out in this whole mess.” She smiles a little, and there is that same ease I saw in her voice now.
She holds up the boxes. They are ornaments.
“ ‘His First Christmas,’ and ‘Her First Christmas’,” I read aloud and nod. “So all these others?”
“Have a look. Easiest Christmas shopping I’ve ever done.” She smiles fondly at them.
I look through all the ornaments as we wrap them. When I come to the last one, my gut twists at wondering if it’s for him or me.
She snatches it out of my hand. “Pretend you didn’t see that.”
I want to ask if it’s his or mine, but I just nod instead.
She grabs the ones she wrapped. “You want to take these with you and put them under your tree?”
“What are they?”
“Aunts and uncles, and grandparents’ ornaments.”
“For my family?” I ask, confused.
She shrugs and acts like it’s no big deal. “Yeah.”
“Ava?”
“Luke?”
“I’m gonna kiss you.”
“It’s a bad idea.”
I shake my head as I lean in. She doesn’t lean away.
I should not be doing this. I should not be doing this, repeats over and over in my head, but she’s not leaning away, and I’m not listening to my fucking head. I’m listening to my heart.
Her lips are warm, wet, and sweet. I press my tongue against them, and she parts them slowly. I grip the back of her neck as I lean in until she is lying down, kissing her softly, gently, unhurried.
“I want you so goddamned bad,” I tell her, pulling away before I kiss her cheek, her jaw, her throat.
“I can’t,” she whispers, yet her hands find their place in my hair.
“I know,” I say, kissing down her neck, down between her tits.
“You can’t,” she warns.
“I know.”
I kiss down her waist, lifting her shirt and exposing the flesh. I lick and kiss every inch of her, tasting her skin, feeling her squirm, listening to her breaths hitch. Then I hook my thumbs in the waistband of her yoga pants and pull them down just enough to expose her hip bones and the scar from where I assume her cesarean was performed.
Hungry. That’s the best way to describe how I feel right now. No, not hungry; fucking starving.
I grip her hips as I settle between her legs, kissing, licking, tasting. And she is moaning, squirming, thrusting.
“Luke, I can’t.” She whimpers her pleas that go unanswered.
I lick her pelvic bone, dipping my tongue slightly lower because, if she stops me, I at least want a taste. Just a taste of her pussy.
She takes in a deep breath, trying not to move, not to breathe, not to make a damn noise. However, if she feels half as good as she tastes, she’s going to do a hell of a lot more than hold her breath.
I kiss up her hip as I hook my thumbs again in her waistband, and then lower her pants and underwear.
“Luke,” comes out in a gust of held in air. “Can’t.”
“Shh...” I say against her skin. “I’m not gonna fuck you, Ava. Just a taste. Just a fucking taste,” I groan out as my lips and hands move down her body.
I pull her leg free from her clothes then kiss from her knee up to her inner thigh. Then I go back to her hip and slowly, very fucking slowly, move down.
She shutters. “Oh, God.”
I blow over her pussy, and she grips the plush gray carpet she is lying on. I let my tongue softly slide down her hip, her thigh, and then I kiss and lick up her again.
“Luke,” she pants, anticipation dripping in her voice.
I use the tip of my tongue to lick her lips softly, and she holds in a breath and slowly lets it out with a throaty moan.
Fuuuuck.
I kiss and suck on them, driving both of us wild. When I can’t take it anymore, I spread her with my tongue and lap at her as she cries out my name, fisting my hair.
I lick her, placing my tongue flat, and then suck as she grinds against my face.
When I can’t take teasing her or myself anymore, I shove my tongue inside her and use it the way I would use my cock with Ava, my fucking Ava.
Her body tenses, her breaths come faster, and I look up to see her nipples sticking up in her shirt. She’s going to come, and she’s going to do it on my fucking tongue.
I run my tongue up her slit, circle her clit, put my mouth around her, and flick my tongue quickly up and down, side to side, and around, while her orgasm builds intensity. Then I suck. I suck her hard, and she feeds me. She comes for me. She falls apart beautifully the way Ava has done a hundred times on my cock. For the first time, though, there is no fucking hurrying, and she does it the way I dreamed she would a thousand times.
I can’t stop watching her come. I can’t stop sucking and licking. I can’t stop feeding on her beautiful body, and listening to the noises she makes as I do.
When she is spent, when she is done, when she is no longer crying out and is trying to catch her breath, I kiss up her body until I am hovering over her.
“You feed our kids with your tits, Ava.”
She nods.
“You fed me with your pussy.”
She blushes and closes her eyes.
“Open them up, Ava.”
She slowly opens them.
“Get some sleep, blue eyes. I love you.” I kiss her nose, and she sighs.
I lay in bed after a shower and making myself come since she’s not ready for me to be inside her yet. Funny thing is, I already am, and by the look in her eyes tonight, I’m in deeper than I have ever been.
C
hrist, she’s beautiful.
I text her goodnight, and she replies.
Fucking progress.
The next morning, after a workout and a shower, I pace, waiting for the right time to go over. I want her to go with me to church with the kids tonight, but I don’t want to push. With her, though, there is no other way.
At her door, I knock once then walk in.
“Hello?”
Logan yells, “We’re in here!”
I walk in to find him holding Hope on his lap. They are watching those videos of Ava’s, the ones of Burning Souls’ last tour. I have to stow the annoyance. Fuck, I don’t have to do that. I have to accept it. For her, I will.
“Saw Liam’s truck outside; he here?”
“Yep, upstairs. Ava had to give Chance a bath. He got in a bit of a food fight with himself.” Logan chuckles. “You two good?”
“Yeah, I think so.” I laugh to myself, thinking of how I left things last night. “But you never know.”
“She seems happy today, so I’d say you’re safe.”
I know he’s Ava’s brother, and I know he means well, but I don’t like him picking on her. I also know it’s not my place to say a word, so I keep my mouth shut and head upstairs where I hear Chance laughing. It’s my second favorite sound in the world.
“Oh, God,” I hear and freeze.
Typically, that’s my most favorite sound in the world, but right now, I’m not in her.
I push the door open to find Ava sitting on the counter, and Liam is...
“Get your fucking hands off her!” I am ready to snap.
Ava pulls her arms that were in the air straight down and crosses them over her chest. “Luke, what are you doing?”
“What am I doing?” I huff. “What the fuck is he doing?” I point at Liam.
Liam sighs. “I’m a doctor.”
“You’re a fucking vet!”
“Luke, that’s enough.”
“That’s enough? Is it, Ava? I fucking tell you I love you, and—”
“He told you he loves you?” Liam asks Ava.
She nods and rolls her eyes. “Because he has to.” She nods at Chance, who is in his bath seat.
“Fuck this,” I grumble as I look for the towel, the one with a hood. “Chance, bud, you and I are going to church tonight. Maybe your mother should consider—”
Ava stands in front of me. “He’s taking a bath.” Then she grabs my hand, shocking me by putting it on her tit and squeezing. “Feel that lump?”
I do feel it, as well as panic and worry. I need to make it okay for her.
“Okay, okay. So we can get through this, too. Maybe next year will be hard, but not as hard as last year. Swear to God, Ava, it’s fine, okay?”
Tears fill her eyes, and I pull my hand back and hug her.
“I love you.”
“I...” she starts, and I know she wants to say it back. Finally, she is going to say what I already know.
Then we are interrupted by a laughing, “Dadadadada.”
“Did you hear that?” Ava beams, stepping away from me and toward him.
“Yeah. Yeah, I did.” I smile as I watch her act like nothing is wrong when there is something wrong, something is horribly wrong.
“Say it again, Chance.” She smiles at him.
“Luke,” Liam says, and I look at him. He laughs. “She’s got mastitis, not cancer.”
“Mas-what?”
“She has an infection in her breast. It’s painful, but she’s fine. And by the way, cows get it, too.” He stares at me, waiting for an apology.
I nod. I can’t apologize, not when his hand was just full of her tit. Instead, I give him what I can.
“Thank you.”
“Dadadada,” Chance babbles, and I lean down and smile while he bounces up and down.
“Chance, Chance, Chance, Chance,” I say as I laugh, and Ava laughs.
I hear Liam sigh. “I’m going to head out, but Ava, don’t wait. Get to a doctor. And Luke?”
I look up at him.
“She got this because she didn’t pump when her kids were not where they should have been.”
“Okay, Liam.” Ava laughs, picking Chance up out of the bath and wrapping him in the towel. “Thank you.” She walks over then hugs him and kisses him quickly on the cheek. “Thank you, love you, and see you later, maybe?”
“Make it happen,” he tells her. “I have a gift for my god-kids.”
“God-kids?” I ask Ava.
She laughs and shakes her head.
Fucking woman makes me crazy.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
I believe you. — M. Migliaccio
Ava
I leave, giving Logan, Dad, and Jade a list of instructions on how to take care of my babies while I go to the damn doctors because my boobs are on fire.
When I walk out to get in the car, Luke is standing by his truck. “Let me take you.”
I take in a deep breath and slowly let it out. I’m nervous, and I shouldn’t be. It’s Luke Lane.
He opens the door, and I get in. Then he shuts it behind me and climbs in the driver’s side seconds later.
Once out of the driveway, he looks over. “So your—”
“Boobs hurt,” I finish, rolling my eyes.
“And it’s my fault because I took the kids,” he says with regret in his voice.
Now, I could play this up. I could, and a year ago, I would have.
“I should have pumped,” I admit.
“But you were upset and...angry.”
“Sure was,” I answer, wondering if he is just making conversation, or if he possibly heard me losing my mind that night.
“I heard,” he admits, confirming that he is as crazy as I am if he thinks he wants to be with me, or whatever it is he is thinking. I have no idea.
“Yeah, well...” I shrug.
“I won’t do it again.”
I nod and look out the window.
“I won’t because we’re gonna be together.”
“Not because of the kids,” I tell him, looking over at him. “I won’t do that to you, to them.” Finally, it dawns on me. “Or to me, Luke. I can’t go through that again, and I can’t make you settle.”
“Settle?” He laughs. “Have you not heard a damn word I’ve been saying for almost three weeks now?”
“I heard. Hell, I’ve seen. But it doesn’t mean—”
“Ava, shut your damn mouth and listen to me.”
I shut my damn mouth, and I wait.
“Fuck it. Here.” He reaches under the seat and hands me a journal. “This is all the lies I’ve told you for eight years now—more than eight years. You and T have all those things about love, but not the real shit. I mean, it’s real, but that’s flowery and dreamy, and I don’t deal in that. I deal in reality. We sort out our lies, pull them out of the shadows, shine some light on them, and there’s the truth. Then we fucking live, and we love and, goddammit, we’re happy.”
I swallow down everything I feel right now because I want to deal in his realities. I want to so badly.
Page 1
I lied when I said I wanted to protect you from the people who hurt your feelings growing up. I didn’t want to—I needed to.
Page 2
I lied when I told you that you should take off the tutu and crown so people would take you more seriously. The crown and tutu would never outshine your eyes that told the world you were all feelings and emotions.
Page 3
I lied when I agreed to pick you first every time. Remington told me I was picking you because I thought you were pretty, so I picked you second so I didn’t get embarrassed, because yeah, I thought you were pretty.
Page 4
I lied when I told you the brownies you made for the bake sale at church were the best. They sucked, Ava. They sucked really bad. But I made Mom buy them all so no one else ate them and told you how bad they sucked.
Page 5
I lied when I told you it was my rock that b
roke Grandpa Jack’s windshield because you were gonna cry, and I didn’t want you to cry. It was your rock. I am a much better shot than you.
Page 6
I lied when I told you that you didn’t look funny with braces on. You did. Everyone does. Sorry, Ava, but you looked funny with braces on.
Page 7
I lied to myself when I tried to keep my distance when you were...growing. I didn’t think I needed you hanging around because I thought I needed everyone else. Look at us now. It is and always will be you who I need.
Page 8
I lied when I told you I didn’t tell Sam Jennings to stay away from you because I would kill him if he didn’t. I did. Still would.
Page 9
I lied when I told you Bella ran away because she found her cat family. She was squashed, flattened, run over by a semi on the road. Don’t be upset; she’s in kitty heaven.
Page 10
I lied about kitty heaven just now. There is no kitty heaven. I won’t lie again.
Page 11
I lied again. Probably will a hundred more times just so I don’t see you cry or get upset. Sorry in advance.
Page 12
I lied when I said I didn’t know who I was and needed to find out. I have always been yours.
Page 13
I lied when I told you that you’d be smart to leave when you told me you wanted me. It was really fucking stupid seeing where we are today.
Page 14
I lied when I told myself it was okay for you to be fucking others when I wasn’t home. It wasn’t and never will be again.
Page 15
I lied to my team about who Miss A was who was sending all those letters. I told them you were just a piece of ass at home. You were the only piece of ass at home.
Page 16
I lied to my team when I told them I was not jerking off when I disappeared into the bathroom on mail day. I was, and it was your fault. The pictures, the letters, the thought that you were still wanting me...so fucking hot.