by Mj Fields
Page 17
I lied when I boarded the plane every damn time, telling myself I wasn’t going to keep fucking you, especially after seeing you on social media with other men.
Page 18
I lied to myself when I fucked anyone other than you, pretending they were you. They never were. No one ever could be.
Page 19
I lied when I said all that horrible shit to you last year. Your pussy is NOT like all the others. Yours is the one I want to be buried in forever. (And no, that’s not a lie. BEST I EVER HAD.)
Page 20
I lied when I said it was your fault we were always in such a hurry when we fucked. It was mine, too. I just needed to feel you around me, wet and ready, for me.
Page 21
I lied when I told you what’s done is done after you and T spent the night together. I was amping up for a fight, trying to talk myself out of it.
Page 22
I lied when I told you good luck with him. I would have rather shoved you in my vehicle and taken you away.
Page 23
I lied when I told you congratulations on your engagement. There is only one engagement I will ever congratulate you for.
Page 24
I lied when I told myself he didn’t love you and didn’t deserve you.
Page 25
I lied when I said you were a bitch. I was the bitch. I knew by how you reacted to me at home that you were hiding something. I wasn’t ready then. I needed to be stronger for you.
Page 26
I lie every time I say I love you as if it should mean everything to you. I don’t just love you. I want you. I want you on my team, by my side, over me, above me, all around me.
Page 27
I lied when I said I would be patient. I’m not patient. Not when it comes to you. You’re going to marry me, Ava. Maybe not right away, maybe not for a year, but you will. And you will never regret it.
I sit back and hold the book to my chest. I both laughed and cried reading it. I can’t look at him, though. Not yet.
“You need to try to be a little more patient with me,” I tell him.
He laughs. “Uh-huh.”
Before dinner, I sat next to Luke as he called Killshot’s wife and kids. He told her he was sorry he hasn’t visited yet. He plans to, when everyone here is healed. She seemed to understand.
He told her about me, but he called me Miss A, and he told her he was a father. I heard her say she was proud of him, and she knew her husband would be, too.
When he got off the phone, he just sat there, looking down. It hurt me to see him hurt, and I think I finally understand now why he never committed to me. He couldn’t.
I know Luke Lane better than anyone—he even told me so. He said he couldn’t have him if he had me. I know that is true. For years, he saw the price love pays in war, and he didn’t want to hurt me by leaving me.
After dinner with my family and his, Luke and I went to church. I refused, but he made me. We didn’t go to the one in our hometown, but the one half an hour away. There, we sat and watched the choir, him holding Hope, and me holding Chance, our pinkies linked.
As we were driving home, he held my hand, his thumb stroking my hand slowly, not hurriedly.
“We need to figure out how to be with all of them around, or we need to get the hell out of here.”
I look over, expecting him to be joking, but he’s not.
“If I asked you to move away with me, would you trust me enough to pack everything up and go? Would you start over with me, Ava?”
I think about it—really think about it. With T, I wanted to be home where we could raise our children. I wanted him and our children to be surrounded by everyone I loved so he could see what a true family is. But I gave in to his need to have me, and me alone.
Do I feel the same way about Luke?
“I would,” I answer assuredly.
“Would you be okay with our kids being raised around other people’s kids; people we don’t know?”
The way he asks leads me to believe he wouldn’t, so I ask, “Would you?”
“If that’s what you want, if that’s what keeps you from worrying about what everyone else thinks, then yes, I will.”
I stay quiet. In his statement is a cold hard truth about me.
“Don’t get upset, blue eyes. I went through it, too. Just see what’s really important now. Hope you’ll get there soon. Only reason I saw it was because you helped me. You saw who I was. I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make you see the same.”
He pulls down a dirt road and puts the truck in park. The headlights shine on a field that is high up on a hill. The perimeter is surrounded by tall pines, except the side straight ahead. It’s open and has the most spectacular view of Cayuga Lake. And the snow is falling down hard, dancing in the light, waving at us in greeting, not good-bye.
“Bought this about four years ago. Far enough from home for you?” he asks, turning his body so he is facing me.
I don’t say anything for several moments. I just take in the view.
“It’s beautiful.”
“Place to escape. We build a home here, we’re twenty miles away from all the love and chaos. We build a cabin here, then we have an escape. You choose. Not now, of course. Just think about it.”
“You said you would never plant roots here, Luke. Why did you say that if you bought this place?”
He sighs, then shrugs, then laughs. “You work on accepting how fucking amazing you are, and then help me stop being such a damn liar.”
I smile, then laugh, and then I kiss him.
Christmas morning—well, four in the morning when the babies wake up for a feeding—Luke rolls over and kisses me. He kisses me soft, and slow, and unhurried, the same way he made love to me earlier.
He was the same Luke Lane he was a year ago. He fucked like it was his job, and God, he was good at his job, especially when he wasn’t in a hurry.
“Let’s you, me, and the kids do our Christmas before the troops arrive.” He gets up, completely naked, gloriously naked. Then I feel him still.
He looks back when I don’t get up right away and smirks then shakes his head.
“What?” I ask as I sit up.
“I’m better.”
“Better?”
“In bed.”
He is so damn arrogant, but he’s not wrong. He gives, but he takes. He’s gentle, but then he wrecks me. He’s controlling, and then...Yeah, no, he’s controlling, and I like it.
“Not sure. You’ll have to show me again,” I tease.
He shakes his head and smiles. “Anytime, anyplace.”
Babies first Christmas are...basically for the parents. We open their gifts and show them to them. They are amused with a box and the paper, and it’s on to the next.
Luke reaches as far back as he can under the tree and pulls out three boxes before putting them in front of me. One’s for Hope, one’s for Chance, and one’s for me.
“All I got you was an ornament,” I tell him.
“You have no idea what that means to me. It’s perfect, Ava, perfect.”
He pushes the long rectangular one at me. It has Chance’s name on it.
When I open it, I look up at him as I pull out the drumsticks, getting caught up in the moment.
“Figured I should share a piece of him with my son,” he says like it’s no big deal.
“Thank you. Thank you.” I lean forward and kiss him.
When I sit back, he points to Hope’s. It’s a little square box.
I open it and gasp, “It’s beautiful.”
I take the crown out and examine it. Then I put it on her head, and of course she is all hands, trying to grab it.
He laughs. “She’s too young yet to wear it, but it doesn’t make it not so. She’s Daddy’s little princess and has the crown to prove it.” He then points to mine. It’s a very small square box.
“Can I be honest with you right now?” I ask.
“Want
nothing but.”
“I’m not ready for this. Maybe in a year, maybe two, when all the shock and awe of them has worn off. Maybe that’s when you should—”
“Open the gift, blue eyes.” He winks.
I open it nervously, and when I finally allow myself to look at it, I see a heart made of hands, a crown, and the big, dark blue sapphire in the middle.
“It means—”
“Friendship, love, and loyalty.” I laugh and cry as I hug him.
“Do me a favor?”
“Anything,” I promise.
“Trust that I know what you need.”
“You haven’t always,” I joke.
“Things are different now. I’m in no hurry, Ava. Not now, not ever again.”
Epilogue
Luke
These past five months have flown by. I am almost one hundred percent healed, and plan to work with my dad, Ryan. I want to be part of what he built for me, his son, and his other children. No, I won’t be a soldier anymore, and I will never be a rock star; I will be me, Luke Lane, lover of Ava Links, father to Hope and Chance, son, brother, nephew, grandson, godson, and a man who works with his hands every day, making the world a better place, one family home at a time.
Our cabin was first. Our home will be next.
Today is unseasonably warm for May, and it’s a good thing since we are hosting one-year-olds birthday party as soon as we get this “Out of the way,” as Ava says.
Who would have thought that a little girl who wore a tutu and a crown everywhere would want to have a wedding in the middle of a field with just our kids and immediate family? Not this guy. But I’m happy as hell she is finally seeing she doesn’t have to make it—meaning her life—about serving everyone around her a slice of happiness while she sits in the background, waiting for the next reason to drive herself crazy with needing to be...needed.
I can assure you that she knows how much I need her...every goddamned day.
Logan is standing in front of us, holding a Bible. Mom insisted one part of this be traditional, so Ava caved of course.
After the “Love is patient, love is kind” spiel, I look at Ava.
“Love me forever?” I ask.
“Dadadada,” Hope jabbers as she pulls herself up my leg.
I look down at her, wearing her tutu and crown, blonde curls blowing in the breeze, blue eyes shining, and her grinning. “Give me a second, Princess. I’m trying to make your mom a queen.”
“I do,” Ava says with a laugh, then asks, “Get me knocked up once a year whether I want it or not?”
I smirk. “I did.”
“Wait, what?” Lucas gasps.
“Oh, yeah, I’m pregnant, Daddy.”
Jade and Tessa make a big deal out of our announcement. So do my sisters and everyone around us.
“I guess you’re married,” Logan announces, rolling his eyes, and Chance takes the opportunity to bite him on the shoulder. “You are so lucky you’re my nephew. Now sign this thing,” he then says to us, handing the marriage license to me.
Lucas glares at me, and I tell him what Ava said I should.
“I’m excited she’ll experience a calm pregnancy. Maybe have a shower and all those girly things she missed out on the first time.”
“Yeah, let’s hope so. I was excited about my princess’s wedding.” He lifts Hope up. “Don’t let me down, Hope, please.”
They all walk away, and then Ava and I stand there, looking at each other.
“I look ridiculous.”
“I think you’re beautiful,” I tell her, and that’s no lie.
“Well, thanks, but I think you look ridiculous, too.”
I look down and laugh. “It was your idea.”
“I know, and thank you for agreeing to it.”
“Of course. But I need one more promise from you, Mrs. Lane.”
She grins at me, and I know she’s loving her fairy tale happily ever after. Hell, she had it planned all her life.
“You wear just the tutu and crown later,” I finish.
She laughs and nods. “Just as long as you wear just the knight’s helmet.”
“Anything you want, my ballerina, queen...woman-child.”
She jumps up, wrapping her arms and legs around me. “No hurry; we have a ballerina and knights of the round table party to attend.”
“But now I’m hard.”
She laughs. “God, I love you.”
“I know you do, Ava, I know you do.”
Ava
Three Months Later
I am standing inside the cabin that Luke built with his own two hands. It is beautiful, perfect actually. And the view...spectacular. He told me he bought the land because of the view. His family spent a lot of time on Cayuga Lake. It was like a mini-vacation every weekend when the weather was nice. He said of all the places he had been in the world, it was his favorite.
He bought his grandfather Jack Ross’s land and is determined to finish the five-bedroom house he is building for our family. As of now, when we are not here, we are at my family home.
Luke Lane, the boy I loved, the man I daydreamed about, was nothing compared to the man he is now.
“Mommy.”
I look down at Chance who is standing on a chair that is facing backward, playing in the dishwater I just used to finish washing the pans Luke used to cook dinner in the outdoor kitchen he designed, he’s a dreamer too.
“Chance?” I smile down at him.
“Apple?”
“Okay. Would you like it cut up or whole?”
“Up,” he says, meaning cut up.
I pick him up and place him on my hip, and he holds on as I walk him to his booster seat next to the ten-foot-long wood slated table made from an old barn that was torn down by the owners of the neighboring property. Then I grab an apple, peel the skin, and slice it into thin slices.
“One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, and ten. Ten apple slices for Chance.”
He holds his fingertips of his left hand to his mouth and signs, “thank you.”
Chance Thomas has some delays in his speech. Luke was a little bit perturbed with me when I wanted to call a specialist about it. He told me the only reason he doesn’t talk that much is because Hope does enough for both of them, and he isn’t wrong.
Hope is a little chatter box. She is inquisitive and a little...stubborn, whereas Chance is a thinker. He sits back and watches everything that goes on around him.
Hope will set something down and be onto the next thing, come back and look for a toy, and she can’t find it. Chance watches her and waits until she is almost ready to pitch a fit before he gets it for her.
I love that they have each other. And no matter what happens, they always will.
I have been working online at home for a few months now for a law firm in Ithaca. Luke doesn’t think it’s necessary. He would prefer I bake or cook while they are napping and he is at work, but he understands that I need to work for me.
I hear the screen door open and Hope bounds in, wearing red rain boots on up to her knees, her pink tutu, a SU sweatshirt, and her curly caramel hair a mess, topped with a crown. In one hand, she has a sparkly dollar store magic wand, and in the other, a butterfly net.
“Got one, Mommy,” she exclaims.
Luke follows in after her, gives me a peck on the cheek, and then walks to the sink to throw the vegetables he picked from our garden in it.
“It’s a monarch,” I tell her, squatting down. “Orange, and black, and brown.”
“Isn’t he pretty, Mommy?”
“Sure is. But maybe this one’s a girl.”
She laughs like it’s the funniest thing she’s ever heard. “Butterflies are boys, Mommy.”
“Yeah?” I ask.
She nods. “And he comed from up high in the sky.”
I nod as she points up in the air.
“You gonna stay with Piper and Reed tomorrow night?” Luke asks, walking over and scooping her up to take her t
o the sink to wash her hands and face.
“Sleepover?”
“Yep, I hear girls like those things. Sorry, Chance. I’d save you from all that, but your grandfather needs my help up north for a day, maybe two.” He looks at me. “You still okay with that?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” I ask as I take Hope from him.
He walks over and sits next to Chance, opens his mouth, and Chance feeds him an apple slice.
Why does that make Luke even hotter?
He looks up and smirks.
“What?” I know I have been caught.
“What?” he asks me back as Hope climbs up on his lap and mimics his actions, opening her mouth so Chance gives her a slice of his apple, too.
He raises an eyebrow. “You.”
“You,” I say back to him, and he laughs.
“Bedtime soon?” he asks Hope.
“No bedtime, Daddy.”
“But Daddy thinks Mommy and her belly are tired, and they can’t go to sleep unless you two are asleep.”
Hope looks at him curiously then looks at me. “Belly tired, Mommy?”
I laugh. “I think maybe.”
Luke
Two Months Later
“I expect this to be a Fifty Shades moment,” Ava says as I lead her into our house blindfolded to show her the babies’ room.
“Does that mean I get to stick things in your ass?” I laugh, and she elbows me in the side.
“So you’re asking permission this time?”
“Permission, no. Never. I’ll put it in your ass if I want, and you’ll love it.”