Bean's Heart (Hearts of ICARUS Book 7)

by Phillips, Laura Jo

  Bean finished her water, destroyed three more mines, took another break, then did three more. After that she sat down on a chair Zach brought her, her legs trembling. She sensed she was being watched and looked up to see Zander staring at her with worried eyes.

  “I’m all right,” she said, grateful that the arousal she’d felt earlier did not return despite how close he was to her. “I just need a few minutes to rest.”

  “Our shields have recharged.”

  “That’s good news.”

  “I was thinking that if you could take out two more, perhaps we can risk allowing four to hit us while we make a break for it.”

  “You don’t need me to tell you how dangerous that would be, Commander.”

  “No, I don’t. But I do need you to tell me how likely it is that they’d all hit the same shield.”

  “I honestly don’t have any idea, Commander.”

  He nodded, unsurprised. “From the strength of the previous explosions, I’m sure we can take two hitting one shield. Possibly three. Do you think you can get three more?”

  “I’d better, hadn’t I?”

  “How about this, then. They’re just sitting there, making no move to approach or increase their numbers. Why not go rest, then come back later for those that remain?”

  Bean smiled faintly. He was High Commander of this ship and it wasn’t because the Princes had pulled his name out of a hat. He didn’t need her to tell him the dangers in the ideas he was throwing out. In fact, she was certain there were a lot more than she was aware of, not that she wanted to hear about them. The one she knew was more than enough.

  He returned her faint smile, then sighed. “I know I’m clutching at straws here.”

  She decided to change the subject. “Did you find out who turned the Blind Sight off?”

  “It wasn’t turned off,” he said, crouching down so he was level with her. “The transfer switch between two of the power supplies failed. Engineering has replaced it. Sark is setting up a new routine so we have eyes on the system at all times, and he has programmed the ship’s computer to sound an audible alarm if the Blind Sight disengages for any reason other than someone on the bridge turning it off. I’m afraid we got a bit complacent about it. If nothing else, this incident has taught us how critical Blind Sight is to our continued existence.”

  “Wasn’t there a warning or something to indicate there was a problem before Sark set up alarms?”

  “There was,” he said tiredly. “A flashing red light on the control panel. Unfortunately, since the system is on all the time, the cover was over the panel and nobody checked it. Like I said. Complacent. That won’t be happening again.”

  “I don’t know anything about ships or Blind Sight or transfer switches,” she said. “But I have a bad feeling that Chaos has something to do with this.”

  “I wondered about that, but I have no way of determining whether it’s true or not.”

  “Nor do I,” she said, looking up warily when Zain approached with a large mug. Zander frowned, sensing her withdrawal when Zain stopped beside him and held the mug out.

  She lowered her eyes to the floor, her shoulders hunching slightly, arms crossing tightly against her chest. Just as Zain started to speak she stood up and spoke first. “If you’ll excuse me for a few minutes.”

  “Certainly,” Zander said.

  Bean walked around the men in a way that, Zander noted, kept her as far from Zain as possible. Her head down, she crossed the bridge, stepped into the corridor, and went into the restroom.

  “She is so rude,” Zain said.

  “Are you serious?” Zander asked in surprise as he stood up.

  “Yes. I brought her tea and she didn’t even stay long enough for me to offer it.”

  “She knew you brought it and rather than throwing it in your face as you deserve, she excused herself before you offered.”

  “Why would she throw it at me?”

  “Why would you call her honor into question in front of the entire bridge?”

  “I don’t know,” Zain said with a sigh.

  Zander turned away, unwilling to deal with Zain when there were so many more important problems to worry about. He crossed the bridge to the Commander’s console at the back where Zach stood watching a vid screen intently. “Anything?”

  “No movement, no new mines in our proximity,” Zach replied. “There’s a lot of them out there, though. Too many for us to risk aggravating.” He looked up, then frowned at the expression on Zander’s face. “What’s the matter?” he asked, his eyes immediately going to where Bean had been.

  “She’s in the restroom,” Zander said, then gestured to Zain to move closer. “We need to feed her some power, brothers. She’s exhausted and there are still six more mines. I’m worried about her.”

  “Zander, you know perfectly well that we can’t give her power,” Zain said with exaggerated patience. “She has to be our berezi for that.”

  Zander stared at Zain for a long moment. “Why is she so wary of you, Zain? Why does she shy away and stiffen when you approach? She doesn’t even want to be within arm’s reach of you. She doesn’t do that with me or Zach, not even before you insulted her in front of the entire bridge.”

  When Zain dropped his eyes, the truth suddenly burst in Zander’s mind. “You’re still taking the meds, aren't you?”

  Zain looked up and shrugged dismissively. “One of us had to hold back to make sure, and I was right to do so. She’s not our berezi and for some reason neither of you seem willing to accept that. She’s got the two of you twisted around her finger, making you believe what’s not real.”

  “You know this how?” Zach growled.

  “It’s been nearly three weeks since you stopped taking your meds. Your mating fangs haven’t descended, and she’s had no physical response to either of you. But you still insist she’s our berezi.”

  “You’re wrong, Zain,” Zander said with barely restrained anger. “She’s reacted to us. Rather strongly, in fact. But only to us. Not you.”

  “She had a sexual reaction to you?” Zain asked, puzzled.

  “Yes, she did.”

  Zain looked uncomfortable for a moment, then shrugged it off. “She’s hardly the first woman to do so. It doesn’t mean anything. You’re mating fangs are the real sign and you don’t have them.”

  “No, we don’t, which you damn well know since it’s because of you.”

  “How is any of this my fault?”

  “Our mating fangs won’t descend until it can occur for all three of us. The only exception to that rule is if one of us is dead. You know that, Zain. Every male Klanaren above the age of ten knows that. What kind of game are you playing with our lives here?”

  Zain’s face drained of color and he gasped softly. “I’m not playing a game, Zander. I just…forgot about that.” He met Zander’s eyes, then Zach’s, and saw nothing but anger. “I just don’t want us to make another mistake.”

  “Congratulations, Brother,” Zach growled. “We didn’t make a mistake. But you did. A really big one that could cost us the one woman made for us. If she causes herself permanent harm because we can’t share power with her, it’s on you.”

  “If you’re so sure she’s our berezi then fine, I’ll go along with it. We can share power with her.”

  Zander’s red eyes flashed. “You’ll go along with it? You’re giving us permission, Zain? Are we supposed to thank you now?”

  “That’s not how I meant it. I’m sorry, all right? Let’s just do this, and if it works, I’ll stop taking the meds.”

  “In case you didn’t notice, she just refused to take a mug of tea from you,” Zander said. “What makes you think she’ll accept power from you?”

  Zain frowned. “I don’t understand why she’d refuse.”

  “Because she’s not stupid,” Zach growled. “If Zander and I feel her, she feels us, too. She knows she’s our berezi, and she knows you’ve rejected her. Between that and the crap way you’ve been tre
ating her, it now makes perfect sense that she doesn’t want to be anywhere near you. I don’t blame her, either. I don’t want to be near you myself.”

  “Look, I admit I made a mistake, all right? I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

  Zander started to speak, then looked up to see Bean returning. She spotted them and turned to detour widely around them, but Zander called to her.

  “Lady BreeAnna, if you don’t mind we’d like to speak with you for a moment.”

  Once again she crossed her arms tightly, Iffon watching them from where he was melded to her arm. After a moment’s hesitation, she walked toward them, reluctance in every line of her body. She stepped widely around Zain, then stopped several feet from Zander, eyes lowered. “What is it?”

  “We’ve dug ourselves into a rather deep hole here, Lady BreeAnna, and I’m sorry for it. It’ll take too much time to explain now, but we will. You have my word on that.

  “At the moment, however, what matters most is that you’re nearly exhausted, and there are still six mines left. We know that you’re our berezi, and I no longer doubt that you know it as well.” He waited for her to respond, but she remained still and silent. He understood her reluctance to admit it. But the situation was too dangerous to let this go. “We ask that you allow us to share power with you.”

  Bean looked up, her eyes meeting his, then Zach’s before she looked down again. He saw her shoulders tighten further, and knew what her answer would be.

  “We can work everything out later. Please let us do this.”

  “I appreciate the offer Commander. But it’s not possible to do as you ask.”

  “It is possible.”

  “No, it’s not. There are only two of you.”

  “There are three of us,” he insisted gently. “We’ll all work together to do this for your sake.”

  “I’m fully aware that you have a third brother, Commander. I’m also fully aware of his feelings on this subject, as are you. By his choice, I am not his berezi. Consequently, there can be no sharing of power. If you’ll excuse me, I really do need to finish this task while I’m still capable of it.” She turned around and walked back to the viewport, sat down in the chair, put the glasses on, and focused on the next cluster.

  Zander watched Zain stare after Bean with a stunned expression on his face. He looked away from her only after she sat down and reached for her glasses. Zander caught his gaze and held it while he drew power from Zach and put a privacy shield around the three of them.

  “Deceit between brothers is one of the Unforgivables, Zain, a fact you can’t possibly claim to have forgotten. Have you decided to remove yourself from our brotherhood after all, and forfeit your share of our soul?”

  Zain’s went from white to gray. “What?” he gasped. “No, Zander. It wasn’t my intent to deceive you. I just wanted to be certain that we weren’t making another mistake. That’s all.”

  “Maybe that’s what you tell yourself, Zain, but that’s not all you did. You deceived and betrayed us. We were honest with you. You knew what we were doing, and why, and you pretended you were going along with it while trying to convince us that it was her failing that our mating fangs hadn’t descended. You worked really hard to convince us that there was something wrong with her.

  “Not only that, but you’ve treated our berezi without honor, or respect, which goes against every law and custom of our people. You even dared to question her honor in front of the entire bridge when you appear to have none yourself.”

  “I’m sorry,” Zain said. “I’m very sorry. I swear I didn’t intend for this to happen. I just wanted to protect us.”

  “You’ve been actively trying to drive her away,” Zach growled.

  “I didn’t think she was our berezi,” Zain said again.

  “I don’t believe you,” Zach said. “If you hadn’t believed it, you would have stopped the meds until you were proven right.”

  Zain stared at Zach in confusion for a long moment, then sighed. “If I’d been thinking reasonably, you’re right, that’s what I should have done. But I wasn’t, obviously. I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could say, but there isn’t.”

  Zander stared into his youngest brother’s eyes for a long time before finding the truth he was looking for. He felt something inside of him twist painfully, and his anger cooled. “You have reason to be cautious, Zain. We all do after what happened to us. But that was fifteen years ago and it still has you firmly in its grip. You need to pry it off, Brother. Otherwise, it will become a permanent part of who you are.”

  “You don’t think it already has?” Zain asked miserably.

  “To some extent, yes, otherwise you would never have done this. But not so much that you can’t rid yourself of it. If you want.”

  “I do want,” Zain said, raising his head. “I will.”

  Again Zander studied Zain closely. Then he exchanged a long look with Zach before clapping one hand on Zain’s shoulder. “We’ll help where we can, Zain, but you have to open up and let us in. No more secrets, Brother.”

  Zain nodded. “You might have to remind me now and then, but I agree. No more secrets. I promise.”

  “Good,” Zander said, relieved. “As for your deceit, and betrayal, we accept your apology, but don’t do anything like this again because we will not forgive you a third time. There are three of us here, Zain. You need to start remembering that, and stop manipulating events to your liking.”

  “Do I do that?” Zain asked. Zander reached for Zain’s feelings and sighed at the genuine puzzlement.

  “Yes, you do that. You always have, and we’ve allowed it. But not this time. Not with our berezi. We want her, Zain. If you haven’t already destroyed our chances, then step carefully from here on because that we will not forgive.”

  “I understand, and I don’t blame you because I know now that you’re right.”

  “Meaning what exactly?” Zach asked.

  “I can’t understand how I never realized she was our berezi before when I feel it so strongly now that I almost can’t feel anything else. When she said she wasn’t my berezi by my choice, that I’d made my feelings clear to her, I felt like my chest had been opened and my heart torn out. I still feel that way.

  “I deserve the pain I feel now, but she doesn’t. I have to apologize to her, and I have to convince her that I mean it, but after the way I’ve treated her, I don’t know if that’s even possible.”

  “That’s easy, Zain,” Zach said. “Just say the words.”

  “I don’t see how that could ever be enough,” Zain said doubtfully. “Not for all I’ve done and said.”

  “I apologized to her for my rude behavior the first day we boarded the Askara. Remember?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “She accepted my apology and said no more about it. She’s a good woman, Zain, with more heart and honor than you give her credit for. Besides, she’s our berezi. She’ll be happy to forgive you if you ask her to, and if you mean it, and if you don’t treat her badly again.”

  Zain nodded. “I will apologize then, and hope she believes me.”

  ***

  Bean struggled to destabilize the eleventh mine which was taking far more effort, and much more time, than any before it. She wasn’t sure if that was because she was already tired, or if the nano-bots had learned more from their destroyed brethren than she’d hoped, or if it was because she was having so much trouble controlling her emotions.

  Finally the mine vanished in a pinkish puff. She lowered her head, closed her eyes, and rubbed her temples in an effort to ease the headache that was growing worse by the minute.

  “You need to stop, Bean,” Iffon said. “You’re pushing yourself too hard.”

  “I have no choice, Iffon,” she said tiredly. “It’s either risk myself, or the entire ship and everyone onboard, including me. You know that as well as I do.”

  “Yes, I do,” Iffon admitted reluctantly. “Perhaps you should reconsider the Falcorans’ offer.”
/>
  Bean considered and dismissed several responses to that suggestion, each of them ruder than the last. Before she decided on one, she sensed someone in front of her. She opened her eyes and looked up, then sighed heavily when she saw Zain looking down at her.

  She lowered her hands and raised her head, determined not to show any emotion or weakness in front of him. Before she had a chance to ask him what he wanted, he knelt down in front of her so that they were eye to eye. The absolute misery on his face struck her hard.

  “Lady BreeAnna,” he began. “I’m sorry for what I said to you. I’m sorry for all of the unkind and insulting things I’ve said to you from the first day we boarded the Askara. I understand how difficult it must be for you to believe that, and I know it’s my own fault.

  “The strange thing is, I don’t really know why I behaved the way I did. I’m not trying to lessen my responsibility for my actions, but I am confused by them. I know without a moment’s doubt that you’re our berezi, and I honestly don’t know why I didn’t feel that before.

  “There are things that I’d like to tell you, if you’ll allow it. Not to excuse my behavior, but to explain it and, hopefully, convince you to give me another chance. Not right now, of course, but at a time of your choosing.”

  Bean didn’t want to feel badly for him, but she simply couldn’t help it. He was sincere. She didn’t have to feel his emotions to know that. There was something else too. Something he’d said that was important. She tried to remember what it was but her head hurt too much and she was too tired. Whatever it was, she’d have to think about it another time.

  She looked into his eyes, and for the first time she saw hope. And fear. The hope was good. But the fear brought a lump to her throat.

  Before she knew she was going to do it, before she could even think to stop herself, she reached up with one hand and laid her palm against his cheek. “All right, Zain,” she said as she continued to look into his eyes. “I accept your apology, and I’ll listen to whatever you wish to say. But tomorrow, please. I’m a bit distracted at the moment.”

  Zain raised one hand and covered hers with it. “Thank you,” he whispered. He opened his mouth again, then closed it before once again whispering, “Thank you.”