“A couple of them, actually. The first is that Chaos appears to take the easy route whenever possible. It seems capable of influencing everyone to some degree, but it’s strongest when it can use a vulnerability against you.
“I think it tested the three of you, and found you easiest to influence. I might be wrong, but I suspect that what you want to tell me is the same thing that Chaos is using against you. If you tell me, that can go a long way toward helping you block Chaos from getting to you again.”
“That makes sense, and I already know that you’re right,” Zain said. “What’s the second reason?”
“I need to either trust all three of you, or keep my secrets to myself. I can feel Zander and Zach, so I know what’s happening with them, but I can’t feel you. I want to trust you. But I can’t do that until I’m sure you can block Chaos, which brings us back to the first answer.”
“You feel us?” Zach asked.
Bean felt her face heat, but she didn’t duck her head, or the question. “Yes, I feel you. Not at first, but it’s grown gradually day by day.”
“We know exactly what you mean,” Zander said. “We’ve been feeling you more and more strongly as well.” Bean smiled, happy to hear him say so, though she’d suspected it for a while.
“Do you want me to tell you now, Bean?” Zain asked.
“Yes, if you don’t mind.”
“No, I don’t mind.” He sipped his water, then said, “It’s my fault, what happened with that woman.”
Bean was a little startled by that statement. “The one that made the false claims about you?”
“Yes. I flirted with her just like I flirted with virtually every female I saw or spoke to. I’m the one who kept insisting that there was no need for us to see a doctor. I’m the one who convinced my brothers that there was nothing wrong with us just because we could have sex whenever we wanted. I told them we were lucky, and that the increasingly negative reactions we got from our fellow Klanaren were caused by jealousy rather than true disapproval. Sex was almost like a drug to me. One I wasn’t the least bit interested in giving up.
“Like Zander said, we were on Sheara 3 when it happened. We’d been there for about a year when, one day, I spotted a woman following us. Once I’d noticed her the first time, I quickly realized that she followed us a lot. All the time, in fact. I had no idea who she was, but she was attractive, and I was flattered. Even though we hadn’t engaged in sexual activities for several years by then, I began to feel the urge again.”
Bean noticed that the more he spoke, the more his head and shoulders seemed to slump downward. She reached across the corner of the table and placed one hand on his forearm. “Please don’t be embarrassed by this, Zain. I’m not judging you, I promise.”
He looked at her in surprise, then nodded. “Thank you for that,” he said. Then he took a long sip of his water before continuing, his shoulders a little straighter now.
“I didn’t tell my brothers the woman was following us because I knew they’d see it as a bad sign. I knew that because I’d seen it that way at first. Until I convinced myself there was no reason to be concerned. She was just a pretty woman who was very attracted to us. What possible danger could there be in that?
“A few weeks after the first time I’d seen her, we got an assignment we’d been hoping for, and decided to celebrate. I went out and walked around for a while until I spotted the woman following me. Then I went straight up to her and invited her to the party. She accepted the invitation.”
Zain’s hands began to tremble and once again Bean reached over and placed her hand on his arm. She didn’t say anything, but somehow, her touch gave him the courage to go on.
“The story Zander told you made the situation seem bad, but at the same time, not too serious. As though it was an unfortunate and unpleasant event that was quickly dealt with and soon ended. But the truth is that it was an ugly, cruel nightmare that went on for many weeks and nearly destroyed all three of us.
“She accused me, personally, of not just raping her, but also of beating her. That wasn’t even the worst of it. She claimed that I’d forced her to perform the most disgusting, degrading acts, things I still can’t even think about without feeling sick. Acts that she described in excruciating, nauseating, horrific detail.
“I still have a difficult time believing that anyone would make up the horrors that came from that woman’s mouth. But she did, and I’ve never been able to look at any woman the same way since.” He broke off again for a moment, then looked up and straight into her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Bean. I truly am. I said a lot of mean and insulting things to you and I had no right nor any reason to do that. I knew how wrong it was each and every time I did it, but I couldn’t seem to stop myself from trying to push you away. Not just from me, but from all three of us.
“I deceived my brothers regarding that first woman. I went behind their backs when I invited her, and I never told them that she’d been following us. If I had, we never would have spent three minutes in her company because they would have seen her for what she was.
“When Zander and Zach insisted you were our berezi, I honestly didn’t believe it. I deliberately tried to discredit you, telling myself the entire time that I was protecting them against you as they would have protected me from Cela if I’d been honest with them. It made perfect sense to me, and it didn’t occur to me, not once, that I was deceiving them again.”
Bean’s eyes flared in surprise. The first time he’d mentioned deceit, she hadn’t fully grasped his meaning. Now she did. He’d committed an Unforgivable against his brothers. Zander and Zach had forgiven him, obviously, but if they’d wanted to, they could have denounced him for it. Forever.
Zain nodded when he saw understanding in her eyes. “I keep saying I didn’t mean to do the things I did to you, which sounds absurd. But it’s true. I know what I did, I remember all of it, but I don’t truly understand why. I’ve never treated a woman with so much disrespect, and it seems almost surreal that I did that to you.
“I wish I had something better to say than I’m sorry because it’s not enough. I don’t think I could ever do anything that would be enough to make up for how badly I treated you.”
“You’re wrong about that, Zain,” Bean said. “It is enough.” She turned to Zander and Zach. “You know Zain much better than I do. Were his actions that far out of the ordinary?”
“We didn’t realize it at the time, but looking back over the past three weeks I have to say that yes, they were,” Zander said. “We really should have figured out that he was still taking his meds a lot sooner, but it never occurred to us.”
“You didn’t know he was still taking the meds?” she asked in surprise.
“No, we didn’t,” Zander said. “I thought you knew that.”
“No, I didn’t know that.” She turned her attention back to Zain. “Chaos really was at work on you, Zain. I know how hard that is to accept, but the best way to keep it from happening again is to be aware of it.”
“Our first day on the Askara?” Zach asked. She nodded. “I’ve been trying for weeks to understand why I behaved as I did that day. I was so rude, and so arrogant that it shames me each time I think of it.”
“I know exactly how you feel,” Bean said. “But there’s no point in dwelling on it. You had no way of knowing what was happening, and you can’t change it.”
“I feel like an absolute fool for allowing myself to be so easily influenced,” Zain said. She reached out to touch his arm again when she saw the expression of misery on his face.
“There’s no reason for that,” she said. “No one is immune. It messed with my entire life, my sisters’ lives, my parents, even the Dracon Princes. The only real weapon we have against it is knowing about it, and remaining aware of it. That seems to negate its power.”
“That makes me feel a little better.”
“Good,” she said, patting his arm once more before withdrawing her hand. “There’s somet
hing I need to ask you.”
“All right.”
“Do you plan to continue those meds, or not?”
“Not,” he said. “I destroyed them last night. All of them. And since Doc compounds them for us, there are no replacements.”
Bean felt something inside of her relax. “One more question.”
“All right.”
“Are you going to continue being suspicious of everything I say? Or do you think you might be able to learn to trust me?”
“I do trust you.”
“That easy?”
“No. Not easy. Yesterday, on the bridge, when you refused to let us share power with you because I’d chosen against you, it was like a light came on. I suddenly just knew that you truly are our berezi.
“And, even though you looked only at Zander and Zach, I still saw the pain in your eyes. I realized in that moment just exactly what I was doing to you, and how wrong I was for doing it. I don’t think I’ll forget that for as long as I live. But I know that I’ll spend the rest of my life working to be sure I never put that look in your eyes again.”
Bean struggled to find words to express what his words meant to her, but she couldn’t find them. In the end, she kept it simple. “Thank you, Zain. For your honesty, and for your trust. I promise that I’ll never betray you. Any of you.” She took a breath, and smiled. “Now, I suggest we put this subject behind us and go get some dinner.”
“Agreed,” all three of them said at once. She not only smiled, she grinned.
They got up, Iffon flew to her shoulder and she grabbed his food and water dishes. Then they left her room and she locked it before heading up the corridor.
“How are you guys? Did you have a good day?”
“Same as usual,” Zander replied. “How about you?”
“I was an absolute slug all day,” she admitted ruefully. “Iffon and I both lazed around, slept through a bunch of entertainment vids and ordered breakfast and lunch in so we didn’t have to drag ourselves out.”
“Good for you,” Zander said. “After yesterday, you both really needed to give yourselves a good rest.”
“Do you feel better now?” Zach asked.
“I feel better than I did, but I still feel a bit tired, which I don’t really understand. And hungry.”
“After dinner and another good night’s sleep you’ll feel better.”
When they stepped out of the elevator the smell of food from the cafeteria reached her. Her stomach growled and her face heated. “Yes, definitely after dinner.”
Zander led the way to the table in the back of the cafeteria that they seemed to prefer. Once they’d gotten their drinks and ordered dinner, she set up Iffon’s eating space with his dishes and a napkin. She noticed Zander exchanging looks with his brothers, but pretended not to at first. A few minutes passed and they still said nothing, so she decided to just ask. “What’s on your minds?”
“We wonder if you’d mind telling us why you hid your telekinesis,” Zander said.
“That’s kind of a long story, and touches on a lot more subjects than you might think.”
“Does that mean you don’t want to tell us?” Zain asked. “We’d understand, of course. I haven’t done anything to earn your trust yet. Just the opposite, in fact, so if you’d prefer that I leave, I will.”
“No, I don’t want that at all,” she said. “You apologized, Zain. I forgave you. That’s finished now. All right?”
“You’re unbelievably generous, Bean. And yes, that’s very all right.”
“It doesn’t mean I don’t want to tell you, either,” she said. “I only meant that, like everything else, it touches on matters that we need a secure room to discuss.”
“We’ll wait then,” Zander said.
“I can tell you some of it,” she offered. “If you’ll put up a privacy screen.”
“Certainly,” Zander agreed. She saw the brief expression of concentration on his face. “Privacy screen in place.”
“Thanks,” she said, then leaned back when their waiter arrived with their dinners. She filled Iffon’s dish and they all ate in companionable silence for a few minutes. “We’ve already established that you know Vari was isolated at the age of four,” she began.
“Yes, that’s right,” Zach said.
“Ria…poor Ria. I only learned the truth of her life three months before we left Jasan. I’ll share that with you later. I mention it because with Ria withdrawn into herself, and Vari so distant, I felt very much alone. Not exactly an ideal situation for one of three triplets.”
“No, it’s not,” Zain said. “I can’t imagine how difficult that must have been.”
“It’s easier for girls than boys, I think, but yes, it was difficult. I was four when Vari withdrew from us, and five when Ria did the same thing. All of a sudden, I wasn’t one of three anymore, or even one of two. I was alone in a way I’d never been, and that left me feeling uncertain about everything. Including how I was supposed to fit into my family.
“One day I overheard my parents saying how happy they were that I never gave them any grief or trouble. So I decided that was my role. That was my job in the family. From then on I tried to always put on a happy face. I never did anything wrong, never forgot to do my chores or my homework, and I did my best to never get angry or sad or display negative emotions of any kind.
“Deciding to keep your emotions hidden is a lot easier than actually doing it, as I soon discovered. Especially strong ones. I worked at it for weeks, but I just couldn’t always hide what I felt. I could do it sometimes, but not always. In time, I began to give up. Not all at once, but little by little I found myself letting my emotions out without trying to stop them.
“Then something truly horrifying happened, right after I turned six.” She paused, put her fork down and sipped her drink to clear the lump from her throat.
“What happened that was horrifying?” Zander asked gently.
“Whenever I got angry, or frustrated, things happened,” she said in a low voice. “Bad things. Dishes would fall off the counter and smash in the kitchen. A chair leg snapped in half for no obvious reason, sending my mother to the floor with one of my baby brothers in her arms. Windows cracked, sinkholes appeared in the yard, doors slammed, water pipes broke.
“My parents were so distracted with Ria, Vari, and the babies, that they barely noticed. But Iffon did. After he explained it to me, I was absolutely terrified. What if I got so angry that I destroyed the house? I could seriously injure or even kill my entire family.
“I spent a couple of weeks trying to figure out how to control the things that happened around me when my emotions ran dark. Nothing I tried worked, so I did the only thing I could think of. I went back to my original plan, but I added to it.”
“Added to it?” Zain asked.
“It wasn’t enough to hide my emotions. If I was angry, it fueled the telekinesis whether anyone else knew I was angry or not. I had to stop feeling emotions altogether. Not just anger or frustration, but all of them.”
“Why didn’t you tell your parents?” Zach asked. “They would’ve understood what was happening, and they probably would have been able to help you.”
“I should have. I know that now. But at the time I believed they’d send me far, far away where I couldn’t be a danger to anyone other than myself. Sort of like they sent Vari away, only worse.”
“It’s easy to see how almost any child of that age could come to that conclusion,” Zander said. “Did you succeed the second time?”
“Yes, I certainly did,” she said softly. “But then, I had some help from Chaos which is, I now believe, the only reason I succeeded, and succeeded well.”
They stared at her for a long moment. Zain was the first to speak. “Chaos was actively affecting you even then?”
“Yes, it was. Not that any of us knew that at the time. We didn’t discover that until, as I said, about three months before we left Jasan.”
“That’s what you meant,” Z
ach said. “When you said that everyone expected Vari to be involved, but not Ria, or you.”
“Yes, that’s what I meant. We’ve only recently begun to understand that Chaos worked long and hard to pull the three of us apart from each other. To isolate us, and make us each believe that we’re weak and otherwise seriously flawed. And it did a really good job, too.”
She fell silent while finishing her dinner, then sipped her drink while the Falcorans ate. She thought of all the things she wanted to tell them now, and was wondering how to go about it. A few minutes later she was a little startled when Zach reached out and touched her arm lightly.
“What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking it’s time for me to tell you everything. From the beginning.”
“I thought you just told us the beginning.”
“No, the real beginning occurred about nine months before my sisters and I were born.”
“It’s a long story, isn’t it?” Zander asked.
“It is,” she admitted. “Is that a problem?”
“No, it’s not a problem. But we’ll listen to it tomorrow. It’s getting late, and you’re still tired.”
“I am,” she agreed. “It’s probably best if I have a clear and wide awake brain.”
“I’m curious about something,” Zach said. She looked at him questioningly. “How long did you hide your emotions?”
“Up until about four months ago, when I discovered what Chaos had done to my sister’s life. That’s when I realized it had done much the same to mine as well. I spent sixteen years pretending to be a whole person with real feelings.”
“How did you ever manage that?” Zach asked.
“Chaos, mostly. I also had rules that I lived by. In the beginning, they were simple. Never get angry, never argue, always smile and look happy. As the years passed, the list grew.”
“Are you ready to leave?” Zander asked. She nodded, finished her drink, then stood up. Iffon hopped onto her shoulder and Zach collected his dishes, wrapping them in a paper napkin for her.
As soon as they were outside the cafeteria Zander turned to look at her.
Bean's Heart (Hearts of ICARUS Book 7) Page 31