“Will you tell us your list?”
She grimaced, but did as he asked. “Never get frustrated. Never argue. Never contradict. Never complain. Go along with everything. Always be happy. Always smile.”
“How could anyone live that way?” Zander asked, appalled. They stopped in the elevator bay and he pressed the call button.
“I was afraid not to live that way.”
“I understand now what you meant when you said your parents began to slowly realize things once they knew about Chaos,” Zain said. “That’s happening to me, so I can say with some authority that I’m sure Chaos kept you afraid to tell anyone.” He touched her shoulder lightly to guide her into the elevator when the doors opened. “Did anyone else know about it?”
“Only Iffon, and he hated it. He was always trying to convince me to stop, but it was a risk I couldn’t take. To make matters worse, I was so focused on being Miss Happy-At-All-Times that I didn’t realize for years that everyone thought I was somewhat dim because of it.”
“Dim?” Zain asked,
“Yeah, like the opposite of bright. Stupid, slow, mentally deficient.”
“But you’re not stupid,” Zander said. “How could anyone ever think that about you?”
“Partly it was the impression I gave everyone,” she said with a shrug. “Walking around with an idiotic smile on your face all the time tends to make people think you’re an idiot. By the time I figured that out, I thought it was too late to change.”
“What was the other part?”
“Chaos.” They left the elevator and walked slowly up the corridor. “It influenced people into believing those things it wanted them to believe. The way you and Zach ignored how far out of character Zain was acting.
“Once I understood the truth, I decided it was time to put away the rules and try to be me. I’d pretended to feel things for so long that I wasn’t sure how to go about feeling for real. It actually didn’t take too long to get past that. The hard part was figuring out how to express real emotions.”
“And now?” Zach asked when they stopped in front of her door.
“Like I said, it’s only been four months so, basically, I’m a work in progress. Each time I stand up for myself or say something sarcastic, Iffon gets so excited his feathers get fluffy.”
“Fluffy? Did you just say my feathers get fluffy?” Iffon asked.
“Yeah, you know, like the kind they put in pillows.”
“Is that an insult?”
“Insult?” Bean asked innocently. “How could that possibly be an insult?”
“Don’t the feathers in pillows come from chickens?”
“I don’t know, Iffon. Do they?”
“You’re insinuating I’m a chicken. Aren’t you?”
“Honestly, Iffon, I don’t know where you come up with these ideas. Maybe you’re eating too much pie. We need to cut down on that.”
“No, we do not,” he said irritably.
“I think you need more rest. You’re behaving rather oddly.”
Iffon’s beak opened and closed a few times. Then he shook his head. “Perhaps you’re right. I am a bit tired.” He immediately dove into her arm and vanished from sight.
“That was hilarious,” Zach said, grinning widely.
Bean looked at him, her eyes dancing. “I have no idea what you mean,” she said before unlocking the door to her room.
Chapter 19
16 days to deadline
Bean still felt a little tired the next morning, which seemed strange to her after a good night’s sleep. “I think I’m going to skip my run this morning,” she said to Iffon who was standing on a perch near the bed.
“That’s probably a good idea,” he agreed. “Do you feel like going out for breakfast or do you want to stay in?”
“I want to go out. Just give me a few minutes.”
“All right.”
Bean took a quick shower, combed the knots from her hair and got dressed. Spurred on by her desire for massive quantities of coffee, she was ready to leave in record time.
“Ready Iffon?” He flew to her shoulder from one of the high perches in the cockatoo form.
“You like this bird.”
“As do you.”
“Yes, I do. It’s very pretty. I like your other birds too, but there’s something about this one that appeals to me.” Bean locked the door behind her and started up the corridor.
“You plan to fill the Falcorans in on more truths today, don’t you?”
“Yes, I do,” she said, glancing sideways at him. “Do you think it’s a mistake?”
“No, actually, I don’t. If you’d asked me the same question two days ago my answer would have been different. But this is not two days ago.”
“No, it’s not,” she agreed, pressing the call button. “Do you have any advice as to how much I should, or shouldn’t tell?”
Iffon turned his head in that boneless way birds have so that he could see her face. “Don’t you trust them?”
“As a matter of fact, I do. Now that I can feel Zander and Zach, I have a better sense of who they are on the inside.” The elevator doors opened and she stepped inside. “They say things the wrong way at times, and react differently than one might expect, but then, who am I to talk? I rarely know how to react to things myself. I know their intentions are good and right, and that’s what matters.”
“You cannot do this by halves, Bean. Not this. Not with them.”
“I’m not sure I understand what you mean.”
“Well, take Sark, for example. He’s a good man with a good heart and mind. He’s honorable and loyal. All good things, would you agree?”
Bean stepped out of the elevator on the cafeteria deck, then paused. “Yes, I agree.”
“Would you tell him the whole truth about Vari, Ria, Chaos, and what the first expedition is truly searching for?”
“No, I wouldn’t,” she said immediately. Then she frowned. “I don’t know why, though.”
“It’s because what you have to tell is deeply personal, Bean. I know it affects the Thousand Worlds. But for you it’s still personal. You don’t have that kind of relationship with him.”
“You’re right, Iffon,” she said as she started walking again. “I don’t. Nor will I ever.” She glanced at him and nodded. “I get it. I can’t share things in little pinches here and there.”
“That’s right. All or nothing.”
“I’m going with all. It feels like the right thing to do.
“If you’d like me to remain with you while you speak with them, I will happily do so. Otherwise, I think I shall go deep.”
“You really overdid things more than I realized, didn’t you?” she asked worriedly.
“Perhaps a bit. But I can still meld and keep an eye on things.”
“Two days ago I would have said yes to that offer. But not today because, as you said, today is not two days ago. I think you should eat first, though.”
“Yes, I intend to. And I intend to have pie, as well.”
Bean caught the faint uncertainty in his tone and smiled to herself. “What kind of pie?” she asked, looking around for the Falcorans. She saw them at the back of the room and headed toward them, enjoying the feeling of happiness that washed through her.
“Blackberry,” Iffon said decisively.
“I hope you plan to eat something healthy first.”
“Healthy shmealthy,” he grumbled.
“Iffon, all kidding aside, I love you. You’ve been my constant companion and best friend my whole life.”
“Thank you Bean,” Iffon said, rubbing his head against her cheek. “I’m very touched. I love you too.”
“I’m glad,” she said. “I know that you need to eat in order to be corporeal so much. But filling yourself up on sugar all the time doesn’t give you the nutrients you need to do all the things you’re doing now, and that worries me.”
Iffon looked at her for a long moment, then nodded. “I understand and I must admi
t that you’re right. I wonder now if that might be the reason I need to sleep deeply more often than I’d like.”
“Maybe. I don’t really know, but it wouldn’t be difficult to find out.”
“I’m going to miss pie,” he said mournfully.
“No, you’re not. You don’t have to give it up, Iffon. You just need to eat less of it. A small piece after a meal is fine. A giant piece instead of a meal is not.”
Iffon straightened up and raised his crest. “That’s good to know. I’d much rather have a small serving of pie than none at all. Thank you, Bean.”
“You’re welcome, Iffon.” She approached the Falcorans’ table and smiled when they all rose. “Good morning.”
“Good morning, Bean,” they all said at once which widened her smile.
***
After breakfast they went up to the conference room. Zain got water for all of them, and Zach activated the security shield. Bean sat down in her usual place, a little surprised to find that she was suddenly nervous.
“Are you having second thoughts about this?” Iffon asked.
“No, not at all. I’m just not used to telling private things to people. Don’t worry, I’m fine.”
“Very well. Don’t forget, if you need me, you can call me. It may take a little while to get through to me but I will eventually hear you.”
“I won’t forget. Rest well.” Iffon rubbed her cheek, then dove into her arm. The image of him on her skin slid upward until it was hidden by the sleeve of her shirt.
“Where’s he going?” Zach asked curiously.
“To the back of my shoulder,” she replied. “He needs to rest deep so once he gets settled, he’ll vanish from sight.”
“He leaves you unguarded?” Zain asked in surprise.
“No, not really. If he’s deep it might take a few tries for my call to get through to him but it can’t be helped. He’s not used to taking a physical form as much as he has been lately, and even when he tries to limit it, it’s still exhausting. He has to rest sometime, and he prefers to go deep when I’m awake and safe. If I’m in danger though, it’ll awaken him.”
Zander exchanged looks with Zach and Zain that she didn’t try to pretend not to see. “What?” she asked.
“The day you confronted that man in the Garrison, when he threw that knife at you, I caught you before you hit the ground,” Zander said. “Prince Garen asked where Iffon was, but as we had no idea who that was, we had no answer. Why didn’t he show up to protect you?”
“Ah,” she said, half smiling. “He did, actually, but he couldn’t show himself. He spoke with Uncle Garen, though. He knew there were men there who’d caught me, but Uncle Garen trusted you so he didn’t worry about who you were. He was containing the poison that was on the knife until Jareth could neutralize it.”
“That’s good to know,” Zander said.
“You guys ready for this? Because, like I said before, with knowledge comes responsibility.”
“We know and yes, we’re ready,” Zander said firmly. She nodded and began talking.
Even though she’d told them a lot about the Doftles, and what they’d done over the past two years, there was still a lot left to tell, and most of it concerned Vari and Ria. As Iffon had pointed out, much of what she spoke of was very personal, so it was difficult at times to hold onto her composure.
Zach ordered lunch to be delivered and she continued speaking while they ate. She told them about the knowledge Vari had gotten from the Doftle named Rodnil, and about Ria, and how Chaos had interfered with all of their lives. She also told them about Ria’s ability to see tachyo-matter, and the true goal of the first expedition.
When Bean was finished her voice was a little hoarse. She was surprised by how relieved she was to have finally told them everything, and wondered at that for a few moments while the Falcorans sat quietly thinking about all she’d said.
“I understand now why you said this was personal,” Zach said. “It’s your life, and your sisters’ lives at stake.”
“It’s everyone’s lives at stake, really,” Bean said. “It’s so important that the Doftles don’t get a hint of what we know. It’s one reason I was given full discretion regarding who I told, and when, and what. Which reminds me. I was supposed to give you a higher security clearance before telling you this and I forgot.”
“You have the power to give us a higher security clearance?” Zander asked in surprise.
“Good question,” Bean said thoughtfully, then she shook her head. “No, I don’t think so. Not really. I think you already have a higher security level so that I could tell you if I decided to, but without feeling like I had to tell you.
“Either way, you now have a Level One security clearance for the duration of this expedition. Everything I told you since we came into this room is Level One information. You can’t share it with anyone else unless they have a Level One clearance. Or unless I decide they need to know something.”
“We understand, Bean,” Zander said. “And we appreciate your trust.”
“Well, I suppose I should let you get on with whatever duties you put off for this meeting.”
“It’s nearly dinner time, Bean,” Zach said with a smile. “And this wasn’t exactly a non-mission related meeting.”
“I had no idea it was that late,” she said, glancing at the clock.
“Will you have dinner with us?” Zain asked.
“Yes, I’d like that,” she replied. “When?”
“We have a few things we need to check on,” Zander said. “How about one hour?”
“That sounds good,” Bean said, standing up. “Shall I meet you in the cafeteria?”
“No, we’ll stop by your room and pick you up,” Zach said. “If that’s all right.”
“Yes, please,” she said, smiling without even realizing it yet again. Once she was back in her room she decided to freshen up a little. After washing up, changing her shirt, and putting on a little makeup, she brushed her hair out and braided it again. Then she wound it into a loose mass and used the blue Kunian steel chopsticks to hold it in place.
Satisfied, she left the bathroom and checked the time. Still half an hour left. She went to her nightstand, got the marbles out and sat on the bed with them. She hadn’t worked with the marbles since the Falcorans had helped her get beyond her blocks with the weights and targets. Now she wondered if trying to do something different with the marbles would help.
She held them in her hand, staring at them while trying to come up with a different approach. So far she’d succeeded in making them form a circle and spin for several minutes. But she hadn’t been able to make them go fast. Every time she tried, they either fell to the bed, or flew all over the room.
“Maybe instead of trying to make them go fast, I need to control them in a different way,” she said softly.
Holding her hand out with the marbles on her palm, she concentrated. They floated upward until they hung suspended in mid-air. She used her finger to help her focus and organized them into a straight, horizontal line, with about two inches separating them.
“Okay, not bad,” she murmured. “Now what?” She thought a moment, then pointed at the marble on one end of the line and moved it to the right. All the marbles followed. She moved her finger in the other direction and the line moved again. She moved her finger in wavy line and the marbles followed. She smiled without realizing it. This was kind of fun.
A little while later she heard a knock at the door and went to answer it, keeping one eye on the marbles. She pressed the door panel and the door slid open, but she didn’t actually look at who was there. She knew it was the Falcorans because she could feel Zander and Zach.
“Come on in,” she said, still watching the marbles as they zoomed around the room, dipping and swirling and turning wherever she pointed her finger.
“What’s this?” Zander asked, grinning as he watched the small, brightly colored objects flying around.
She glanced quickly at them,
not surprised to see all three of them watching the marbles. She turned her attention back to the marbles, brought them close, slowing them down until they hovered over her outstretched palm. They floated gently down and she released them.
“That was so much fun,” she said, her eyes shining, cheeks pink. All three men stared at her with little smiles on their faces, stunned by how beautiful she was.
“What are those?” Zain asked, tearing his eyes from her when he noticed she was starting to look uncomfortable with their staring.
“Marbles,” she said, blushing.
“Interesting colors,” Zach noted a little too offhandedly.
“Subtle,” she said, rolling her eyes. He laughed softly.
“Ria gave them to me when we were kids,” she explained, taking the marbles to her bedside table and putting them away. “She made me promise to keep them forever first, which I did.”
“Interesting,” Zander said. “You ready?”
“Yes, I am, and I’m really hungry too,” she said, stuffing Iffon’s dishes into a pocket just in case.
“How long have you been dancing with those marbles?” Zain asked as they left the room. She locked it, and they started up the corridor.
“Dancing,” she said. “Good word for it. About half an hour.”
“No wonder you’re hungry,” Zach said. “It takes a lot of physical energy to do things like that.”
“As I’m suddenly discovering.”
“You say that like you’ve never done it before.”
“That’s because I haven’t. I’ve been putting them in a circle and spinning them, trying to get them to go faster and faster. I made slow but steady progress until I got to a point I couldn’t make them move any faster no matter what I did.”
“The wall you told us about a few days ago,” Zach said.
“Yes, exactly. I haven’t been working with the marbles lately, though. I’ve been focusing on the weights and the targets.
“I had a little time so I tried to think of a different way of controlling them. You just saw the result.”
“It’s kind of hard to believe that’s the first time you did that,” Zain said. “Those things were flying all over the room while remaining in perfect alignment. That’s fairly amazing.”
Bean's Heart (Hearts of ICARUS Book 7) Page 32