Shake, Rattle and Roll: The Baxter Boys #4 (The Baxter Boys ~ Rattled)

by Charles, Jane

  He does slowly and then I guide his fingers to the place where I felt the lump I find it first and then show him. “Do you feel that?”

  “Yeah. How bad?”

  “I’m not an expert and I’m really hoping it’s a swollen gland or something, but it needs to be checked out.”

  “So it could be nothing?”

  “It shouldn’t be ignored.” I’m pretty sure it’s something and I’ll make sure he gets to a doctor, but there’s a chance I’m wrong too. Either way, I want a doctor to tell him. “You need to call your doctor tomorrow and get an appointment.”

  He sits up again. “I don’t have a doctor.”

  I blink at him.

  “I don’t get sick. I don’t think I’ve seen anyone since I had to go to a free clinic a year ago and that was for a tetanus shot. I cut my foot and didn’t know if mine was good or when my last one was.”

  Crap. He cannot take this to a free clinic. Not that they are bad. The one I volunteer at is awesome, but this is a lot more serious than needing a tetanus shot. Besides, they’d just refer him to an oncologist to have it checked out. I can get him in to someone and skip the first appointment. “School starts back up tomorrow and I’ll be at the hospital. I’ll find a doctor to see you.”

  “This is bad, isn’t it?”

  “It might not be that bad,” I assure him. It’s not really a lie.

  “It’s a lump, could be cancer, in my nut sack. How can’t that be bad?”

  “You don’t even know if it is that. If it is, it’s probably early, which means it probably didn’t spread.” At least I hope so.

  Christian gets out of bed and pulls on his pants.

  “What are you doing?”

  “I can’t just lie in bed and wonder if I have cancer.”

  “There’s nothing you can do about it now.”

  He stops and presses his hands against the railing, looking out the windows that are across the loft. I come up and put an arm around him. “It’s going to be okay.”

  “How the hell do you know that?”

  I take a step back at his harsh tone.

  Christian scrubs his face with his left hand and then pulls me close. “I’m sorry. This isn’t your fault. You didn’t give me this and I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

  “I’d be freaked too,” I admit. Hell, I am freaked and it isn’t my body. A baby is an inconvenience at worst, cancer is life and death. “Missing my period doesn’t seem like that big of a deal anymore,” I admit.

  “If I’ve got ball cancer I’ll never have kids,” he says quietly. The emotion in his voice is so thick, like he’s going to break.

  “That’s not true,” I quickly assure him. “If only one testicle is affected, you still have the other and can have kids.”

  “That’s all I’ve ever wanted,” he says so quietly that I almost can’t hear him.

  “The wife, half a dozen kids, home of my own. That’s my dream. All I’ve ever wanted was what I never had as a kid. And, I wanted my own, of my blood, so I’d have people who belonged to me.”

  “You can still have that,” I assure him.

  “Are you so certain?” he demands, though his tone isn’t angry.

  I wish I was, but I can’t assure him of anything right now. Not until he’s seen a doctor. “Don’t think worst case right now. It’s a lump. After you see the doctor, then you’ll know what you are dealing with, but don’t borrow trouble.”

  33

  That trouble has already been borrowed and kept. What great sin did I commit that not only did my mom throw me out, but now I’ll be denied a family forever?

  Bethany is saying all the right things and I know she is trying to make me feel better, but the concern is in her voice. She already knows it’s cancer, or thinks it is.

  Can a guy even survive testicular cancer and if he does, is there a life after? No kids, I’m sure, but will I be impotent too?

  Worse things could happen, I know that, but what the hell is the point of living if you can’t live. No desire to have sex again. Not wanting to be with anyone and who the hell is going to marry me if I can’t make love to them and give them a child?

  I’ll leave this life just as I started it—Alone!

  “You’ve already signed your death certificate,” she says.

  In a way, I did.

  “It’s very treatable, especially early, and no reason why you can’t have a full life, if there’s even a problem.”

  “But what kind of one?” I grumble.

  “The same as anyone?”

  I turn to her. “Really? Will I be able to have sex and children?”

  “Usually yes.”

  She’s emphatic about that. Maybe I’m moving ahead too fast. Maybe it isn’t as bleak as I think, but it sure isn’t rainbows and unicorns either.

  What I need is information. Then I’ll be able to process this better. “Where is your computer?”

  “You are not going to look it up.”

  “Why?”

  “Because whenever a person starts researching symptoms on the internet, they usually walk away with the worst case scenario. I’m not going to let you do that to yourself.”

  “The worst is already in my head, a few google searches is not going to change that.”

  Bethany sucks in a breath through her nose. “There is one way to get an answer, but it’s not a real answer.”

  “What and how can it be both?”

  “Come on.” She takes my hand and leads me downstairs and into the bathroom where she picks up a pregnancy test. “One of these.”

  I stare at her. “Really?”

  “A positive result usually means cancer.”

  “And a negative is not.”

  She shakes her head. “I wish, but no. There are like five different kinds of testicular cancer, if I remember correctly, but I think only three will give you a positive result, and sometimes two of those won’t.” Bethany pulls her hair back and grabs a hair tie from the counter. “So, even if you get a negative result, you still have to go to the doctor so he can do a more thorough testing.”

  “But if I get a positive result, it’s most likely testicular cancer.”

  She just gives a quick nod.

  The box the test is in suddenly weighs five thousand pounds. Do I take it and find out a possible result now or just wait. Do I want to know?

  “I think I get why you were putting off your test.”

  “It’s amazing what the impact of peeing on a little stick will do and how it can alter everything.”

  My hands are shaking as I put the box back on the counter. As much as I want to know, I’m afraid. If it’s positive then I have my answer. An answer I’m not ready for. I need more information.

  “Tell you what,” she says. “Let’s both just test tomorrow.” She pulls me out of the bathroom. “We’ll research testicular cancer from sites that I trust, not just anything that pops up, so you can be a little more informed. Then, we’ll sleep on it, okay.”

  Like I’m going to get any sleep. I want to know. I need to know. I’m not ready to know. “Tomorrow we pee.” I finally say.

  “Go sit on the couch,” she orders as she goes to the fridge.

  I’m too numb to argue. My head is reeling and I’m so glad she has it together better than I do.

  Bethany grabs a bottle of water out of the fridge and a beer and brings them over. “This is all I get until I know for certain.”

  If she’s not drinking, does that mean that if she’s pregnant she’s going to keep it? We hadn’t really talked about it. Not really, but given the current circumstances, is it wrong of me to hope that she is and that she will keep it. This might be my only chance at having a baby. Even if she is pregnant and doesn’t want it, I’ll beg, plead and even bribe her to keep it for me.

  By the time we’ve researched symptoms, treatments and prognoses, Christian is a little more relaxed. At least I think he is. Or, it could be the two beers.

  “Sure you don’t
want something to eat?” He’s getting another beer out of the fridge.

  Of course, I wouldn’t blame him if he wanted to get blind drunk. I’d be tempted to myself.

  “Not really hungry, but maybe we should.”

  “Pizza?” At least it’s a quick delivery and we won’t have to go anywhere.

  “As long as there are no fishies on it.”

  I laugh and get up to grab my phone. Michael’s Pizza is already in my contacts because I call so often. After ordering a large special, which has everything, and two side salads and bread sticks, I set the phone aside and grab the computer again.

  “That’s a lot of food.” He sits down next to me.

  “I am hungry.”

  Christian puts a hand on my belly. “Is there a chance?”

  With that question, my appetite almost disappears. “Yes. No. I don’t know.”

  “Is it bad that I’m hoping you are?”

  I search his eyes. Given that we’ve read the worst of outcomes and the best possible ones, I can’t really blame him. “No.”

  “If you are, what are you going to do?” It’s almost like he’s afraid to ask the question.

  I blow out a sigh and push my hair away from my face. “I’ve already been over this in my head. I can pretend that there are choices, and there are, but I know I couldn’t terminate. I couldn’t even get the morning after pill.”

  He slips his hand into my. “Thank God.”

  “Most guys would want me to. Are you sure you wouldn’t feel differently if you didn’t have a lump.”

  “No, I wouldn’t,” he assures me.

  “I couldn’t give it up either. I’d hate the wondering what happened to my child.”

  “If you did, I’d beg you to give him or her to me.”

  That, I believe. With everything he’s told me, Christian would fight for this kid, if there is one.

  “I’ll just have to figure out how to make it work, if I am, which I could easily not be.”

  “We’ll make it work,” he corrects me. “We’re in this together.”

  At this point, it’s hard to tell what kind of future I have with Christian. It’s still so new and we have a lot to learn about each other, but deep in my gut, I do know that if the two of us don’t work out, our child, if there is one, won’t suffer because of it.

  “You know,” I say. “All this worrying could be for nothing. I may get my period tomorrow and you may only have a swollen gland.”

  “Do you really think that’s true?” His dark eyes search mine.

  “Anything is possible.” We won’t know anything until he sees a doctor.

  “Which means that we weathered our first crisis as a couple very well.” He grins.

  Couple. Is that what we are?

  “Ah, that question is in your beautiful blue eyes. Too soon for couple?”

  I let it sink in. “No.”

  “Good, because I don’t really want to share you with anyone else.”

  “I don’t exactly like sharing you either.”

  “I shouldn’t be surprised.”

  What the hell does he mean by that?

  “Well, you are an only child and I basically was one. Only children don’t like to share.” He winks at me.

  34

  I forced myself to eat half of the salad, half of a bread stick and two pieces of pizza because Bethany made me. I‘m not hungry and if I was at home, I’d be drinking myself into oblivion, alone in my room.

  “Do me a favor, and don’t say anything to Mary.”

  “About your lump?”

  “Yeah. I don’t want the guys to know until I know.”

  “They are your best friends.”

  “I know, but they’ll worry as much as me and I don’t want to do that to them until I have answers too.”

  She nods.

  “Did you tell Mary you were late?”

  Bethany shakes her head. “For the same reason. Nobody needed to know before you. I didn’t think you’d appreciate coming home to Dylan telling you that I bought pregnancy tests.”

  That would have sucked, but not in that bad of a way.

  “So, we keep the secrets between the two of us until we know for certain.”

  “Deal.”

  She hides a yawn behind her hand as she puts the leftovers in the fridge. It’s nearly midnight, but Bethany hasn’t complained. In fact, she’s been very patient with me as I questioned everything we read online. Part of me is feeling better, but the worst case is also looming in the back of my mind. I’m trying to keep it there and not jump to my funeral, but it’s hard not to.

  “Let’s go to bed.”

  She gives me a tired smile and heads up the stairs. I strip down and get into bed, leaving my boxers on for a change while she disappears into her closet. When she comes out, she’s wearing a t-shirt and boy shorts, and crawls into bed beside me.

  What would have happened if I hadn’t met her? I’d never know about the lump because I probably wouldn’t have checked on my own. And, I wouldn’t have her to sleep with on one of the most frightening nights of my life. The guys would have stayed up with me, but not hold me, and I really need to have Bethany using me as a pillow right now. I need that more than anything.

  She turns out the light and curls around me, her head on my shoulder. Ever since she found the lump, she’s been taking care of me and I’d forgotten how tense she was when I arrived. She’s dealing with her own shit. Not that a potential baby is shit. Far from it, but she’s got school to finish, more coming up in the fall, with potential motherhood on top of that, and the father is a guy she’s known not even a month.

  I can’t really blame her for being scared.

  Her finger circles my nipple and I start to get hard. Tonight was probably the first time I’ve been with Bethany for hours without getting hard. Of course, I’ve been in a near panic mode most of the time.

  I put my hand over hers and she stops.

  “Sorry,” she mumbles against my chest.

  “For what?” I can’t think of a thing she should be sorry about.

  “Sex is probably the last thing on your mind.”

  Actually, it has been on my mind and the fear that I’ll never have it again. That thought hit me several times tonight, despite everything we read, and I’ve had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. Plus, she has enough on her mind right now.

  “I just didn’t think it would be right.”

  Bethany tilts her head back and looks up at me. “What do you mean?”

  “I may have something.”

  “It’s not an STD and I can’t catch it.”

  Maybe that was part of my fear. I want to make love to her. I want to be deep inside and forget everything but her. “I never did examine your boobs.”

  “I do that regularly,” she assures me.

  I roll into her. “Are you sure you’re doing it right?”

  She pulls off her t-shirt. “Want to check yourself?”

  “I most certainly do.” But the playfulness is not there. I need her. I need to make love to her. I need to hold and be deep inside of her. I need to make everything else go away and treasure all that is Bethany, and that’s exactly what I set out to do.

  It’s as if she’s treasuring me too. Nothing is rushed as she caresses my skin, arching when I take her nipple in my mouth, and raising her hips to take me in. I’m not sure there’s a place we haven’t kissed or touch, as if we are exploring each other for the first time. Not frenzied sex like that first time, but slow, delicious coupling and when she orgasms, crying out, I follow right along and in orgasm so powerful I might have been blinded for a few moments.

  Being with Bethany is too good and too special and I don’t want it to end, ever.

  I wake to the alarm with dread. The moment of truth.

  “You first,” Christian says as I get out of the bed.

  “Together.”

  “We’re going to pee together?” he asks as the corner of his mouth tips.

>   “Eww no.” I may have sex with him, but I pee alone. “I’ll do mine, and I won’t look. You do yours, and you don’t look, and when the time is right, we look together.”

  Except, I don’t have to look at my results. The spots are in my panties, but I pee on the stick anyway because spotting isn’t a sign that I’m not pregnant any more than a negative on a pregnancy means he doesn’t have cancer. I’m just afraid that Christian’s going to see a negative and not want to do anything about it, or not worry, which is the worst thing he could do.

  Christian comes out and we both place out tests on the counter, side by side, and watch.

  I’m not pregnant.

  He is. Not pregnant, but he probably has testicular cancer.

  He just stares at the result and I wrap my arms around him.

  “If one of us had to have a positive result. I’d rather it would have been you.”

  I rest my head against his chest. “Me too.” Despite my panic about being pregnant yesterday, I do wish it was me, pregnant, and Christian with a negative result and a doctor who will tell him it is a swollen gland.

  “Now what?”

  “I’m finding you the best doctor.”

  Christian pulls away from me. “Don’t worry, I’ll find someone.”

  What the hell, is he pushing me away?

  “Christian, I’m at a teaching hospital. They have the best, I will get you in to see someone.”

  “You need to worry about school.”

  “Don’t do this.”

  “What?”

  “Shut me out.”

  “I’m not.”

  “Yes, you are.”

  He drops his chin and this dark hair falls around his face. “It’s not fair.”

  “What””

  “Taking you on this ride.”

  “So, last night we were a couple and now you are shutting me out.”

  “I thought about it, all fucking night. It’s not fair to you.”

  “Let me decide what is fair to me.”

  I can’t believe him. “So, if I was pregnant, it would be different.”

  “Yes. You’d need me and I’d not abandon you like that.”

  “But, its fine for me to walk away from you because you might have cancer?” He is unbelievable.