“Well, I was pretty much gutted a few days ago, but otherwise, fine.”
She rolls her eyes. “You weren’t gutted.”
“Tell that to the incision down my stomach.”
Her eyes grow dark with worry. “Are you in a lot of pain? Do you have a fever?”
“Just being grumpy. I hurt, but not so bad that I want to go back to the hospital. The meds are doing their job.”
“I’m staying for the weekend so I can keep an eye on you,” she informs me.
Mary is our resident nurse. She took care of Mia after she’d been beat up by her boyfriend, and the guys have probably asked her to watch me.
“You don’t need to. I’m fine.”
“I don’t mind.” She sits on the edge of my bed. “Besides, I don’t think the guys will let me leave. They are still worried about you.”
They keep coming to check on me to see if I need anything, want anything, am feeling okay and just because.
“You’ve been moving around haven’t you?”
“Only on this floor. Not anxious to go down those stairs again because I’ll have to come back up.”
“It will get better,” she assures me.
“It would be better if Bethany would visit.” I know that Mary sees her almost every day and maybe it isn’t right to ask, but I’m hungry for answers or any information.
Mary eyes me suspiciously and gets up off the bed. She’s been extremely silent and tightlipped whenever Bethany’s name is mentioned.
“I promised myself, and Dylan, and swore to Bethany that I would not get involved or be the middleman.”
“Dylan agreed to that?” He is supposed to be one of my best friends and be on my side.
“We both value the friendships we have, but you need to remember that you and Dylan have been friends for years, and Bethany and I have been friends since freshman year at college. Those friendships are just as valuable as the relationship I have with Dylan. Meddling will destroy one or both and I’m not willing to risk either.”
So she knows more about what’s going on with Bethany than she’s telling me, but I get where she’s coming from. “Can you at least tell me if there is hope?”
Mary sighs and sits back down on the bed. “You shut her down. Things went bad for you and you shut her out.”
“I’ve apologized for that.”
“That doesn’t mean the trust is automatically restored. She needs time Christian,” Mary assures me. “Just get better. When you are up to it, go after her, if you really want her, but make sure you are willing to go all in or don’t contact her. It may have worked with the guys, you holding your cards close to the chest, revealing stuff when you are finally comfortable enough to do so…like your tests, the tour you knew about at least a month before you said anything, and things like that. If you want any kind of relationship with Bethany, you can’t do that with her. All cards on the table. All information in real time, and no shutting her out when things go to shit.”
Mary’s words hit me hard. Everything she’s said is true, and I know one of my biggest faults is keeping things to myself and spending too much time in my own head.
“So, until you are certain you can change your ways, don’t contact Bethany. Even then, you are going to have to prove yourself to her. There is no way she is going to just jump right back in until she is certain you aren’t going to cut everything off again. She was vulnerable when you turned away from her and its going to take time before she allows herself to be that vulnerable again.”
All I can do is nod. I get it. I really do, and if I could go back to the moment we saw the pregnancy test results and change how I reacted, I would in a heartbeat, but life doesn’t work that way.
“Christian asks about you every day,” Mary says as we head toward our classmates gathered outside of the auditorium.
“How is he doing?” For the past six weeks I’ve been conscious not to bring up Christian to Mary, but that doesn’t stop her from mentioning him to me, every chance she gets. Of course, he’s always on my mind. I don’t have to hear his name to think about him. For as short as our relationship was, I should be over the guy. That was my plan by having no contact. Just finish off school, get on with my life, make plans for motherhood, get a job and push Christian so far away from my heart that I’ll be strong enough to face him when it comes time to tell him about the baby.
Well, I’ve got a job, so I guess it’s a start.
“Now that the radiation is done and the incision healed, he’s finally playing and writing music again.”
“I’m glad that he came through everything okay.”
“And, he’s making plans to get you back. He was just waiting to get better and get through this, healthy and strong again.”
She’s told me that before, except I have a hard time believing it since it’s been six weeks since the text after he got the quilt.
Mary gives me a side-eye. “You can’t put it off forever,” she reminds me.
“Only a few more weeks.” I gave myself a trimester to deal with the pregnancy and prepare myself to tell Christian. I’m no closer to being prepared as I was the day I read the lab results.
“What are you doing after graduation?”
I shrug. “Going back to my apartment.” Maybe sinking into a pint of chocolate chip mint without the wine chaser.
“How is your dad doing?”
I blow out a sigh. “Better, but he hates being confined to the house and limited in his walking.” Two weeks ago Dad was kicked by an angry horse and broke his hip. I wasn’t able to go back home because of school. He came through surgery fine and now he’s in therapy and recuperating. However, they couldn’t come up for graduation. It sucks that I have nobody here, but it isn’t like I’ve had them with me for the past four years either.
“We are going out after. You want to come with?”
“As your group includes Christian, I don’t think so.”
Mary rolls her eyes. “You’ve got to talk to him eventually.”
“And I will, when the time is right.” Like in twenty years or so. Oh I wish I could put it off that long, but at most, I have a few weeks.
She gives me a hug as we part to find our place in line. I take a deep breath and adjust my cap. Now, if I can just make it through graduation without puking, all will be good.
I glance over just in time to see Kelsey and Alex duck in the doors to find seats. Kelsey graduated earlier. Each school at the university graduates at a different time, otherwise, if everyone graduated at once, we’d be sitting here all day because of speeches and all of the names. Breaking the departments up shortens each ceremony significantly so that the only people tied up all day are the administration.
I know that Mary went with Dylan to see Kelsey graduate so I assume all of Dylan’s friends are here for Mary. My gut tightens and I pop a mint in my mouth, hoping it calms the sudden nausea. This time it isn’t because of the baby, but because Christian might be here, and it’s all I can do not to search the audience for his face as the music starts and I follow my classmates into the auditorium, but I don’t. Instead, I remain focused and look straight ahead until I reach my seat.
The longer I sit, the less my stomach settles and I slip a saltine cracker from my pocket beneath my robe, hoping nobody notices as I pop it in my mouth. Food and drink aren’t allowed at graduation, but I’m sure the administration would prefer my eating a cracker to throwing up during the ceremony.
This should be a happy time. I’ve finished four years of college, will have a degree and will start full-time at the hospital as an RN in the emergency department in a week. And, I am happy, but the added stress of being pregnant and the future conversation I need to have with Christian weighs on me like a lead beam.
At least the ceremony will be over quickly. At least quicker than most, since the school of nursing is smaller than many of the others.
I glance at the program. Only one more speech and then we go up and get our diplomas. Will a
nyone notice if I duck out the door after that instead of returning to my seat? Will it matter if they did? I’ve graduated and it’s not like they can take away my diploma because I ducked out of the end of the ceremony.
41
I’m all for supporting Kelsey and Mary as they graduate. In fact, I’m in total agreement with the guys that we should be here. When we graduated, we had only each other. No parents or family present for this milestone and even though Mary’s mom and step-father are here, Kelsey doesn’t have anyone. Just like we didn’t have anyone.
Except, I did have Louis and the guys. They lined up in the first row: Louie, Johnny, Roy, Mick, Miles and Davey. I’d told Bethany that my friends hadn’t met the guys, but I’d forgotten about my graduation. Only Mia and I had others there that day for us, and when I should have taken the opportunity to let my two worlds meet, I still kept them separated. After introductions, I headed off with Louie and the rest of the band for a celebratory dinner. They invited my friends, but I’m the one who said they wouldn’t be interested.
I’m the one who made the decision to keep my families separated when I should have brought them together. Something I need to rectify.
I don’t even know why, except I wanted something for myself because I haven’t ever had anything that was just for me, until Louie and the band, and I wanted to protect that with everything I had. Thinking back, I was afraid that if my worlds merged, it would no longer be special, just for me. It was jealousy and insecurity. Emotions that I’m am all too familiar with. The reason I keep everyone at a distance. I want to be close to my family, almost demand it when they need help, and get pissed when something is kept from me, but when it comes to something with me, I keep people out.
It’s the fear of losing a good thing. I had a lot of good things in my life. I may have started out by a dumpster, but I was in some awesome and loving homes for several years. Great foster parents. Great families, but each time I was taken from one for no reason, except that my placement was always meant to be temporary, I shut down and pulled back a little more. By the time I was at the last and worst place in my life, I was able to walk away without looking back.
Sure, I could have complained and reported the abuse, and they would have moved me, but there were no guarantees it would be a good place. It could have been worse. To this day I’m not sure if I was more afraid of it being worse or it being great and then having it yanked from me.
Surgery, radiation and recovery left me with a lot of time on my hands. Time I spent in my head. Time I spent soul searching as to why I am the way I am. Time to really face what I’ve kept buried for years—guilt.
It doesn’t matter that I was only twelve. I knew what was happening was wrong and instead of speaking up and being strong, I ran. The others were too afraid. The foster parents had worked a number on them, but I was too new to be intimidated and instead of standing up, like a coward, I ran, and left the others behind, unable to protect themselves while the foster father decided which of the boys would be with him when it got dark. Knowing what they endured, and what I almost had to do, makes me ill and I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for walking away and not reporting, or at least trying to do something to stop it.
It’s that darkness that haunts me. The reason that maybe I can’t be happy. Or, allow myself to be happy. To just accept the good things, like Bethany. Instead, I keep things close, protect my heart, knowing that I don’t deserve anything good after what I’ve done, and knowing that if I lost something really good again, I might not be able to go on. And that is the reason I push everyone away.
The reason I lost Bethany.
Maybe I’m being punished because I’m a coward. It isn’t the first time I’ve considered the possibility. If I would have done the right thing when I was twelve, maybe I wouldn’t have gotten cancer. Is that how karma reared its ugly head—by making it possible that I might never have children of my own? Even though they shielded my good testicle when I had radiation, we haven’t checked to see if I’m sterile or not. I’m too afraid to find out.
Mary assures me that I haven’t lost Bethany yet, but I also haven’t talked to her since the one time I texted her after getting the quilt. While Mary holds out hope, like she knows something I don’t, I don’t feel the same optimism.
But, if I am going to get her back, I need to come clean on everything. I need to bare my soul and my heart. I need to prove that she can trust me because only then will I have something good. However, after she learns what I’ve done, I may lose her for good, assuming I haven’t already, but it’s a risk I need to take and only after I’ve done that can I move forward.
Instead of listening to the speeches, I’ve been watching Bethany since she walked in. Her beautiful auburn hair, thick and gorgeous, flows down her back, in contrast with the white graduation gown. And, as is always the case, her beauty strikes me, though she’s a little pale. Not just a little, but there is no color in her cheeks, nor is she smiling like the rest of her class. Nerves? Tired?
I wish I would have been able to get a better look at her before, but as soon as she reached her seat, she turned her back on us. Since, I’ve only been able to watch her from behind, but I’m close enough to tell that she’s been eating something during the ceremony. Sneaking it when she ducks her head. At first I thought it odd, but a few of her classmates are also partaking. Some with flasks and others with bottles of water, assuming it is water. Maybe it’s nothing since this has already been a long day for them and I know they had to be here at least an hour before the ceremony and then to sit here. Maybe I’d have food and drink with me too.
Come to think of it, we did.
I grin and remember the candy we munched on while we waited through long-winded speeches and names to be announced.
Her row stands as they approach the stage and then it is her turn.
“Bethany Marie Dalton.” Her name is announced.
My family cheers loud. Louder than the other families in the auditorium and I quickly glance to see if anyone else is here cheering her on, except it’s just us.
My heart sinks. Where are her parents? Why is she alone on a day like this? Has something happened and is that why she’s pale?
Her head snaps in our direction when we cheer, surprise on her face. I guess she wasn’t expecting it, but she had to know we were here. Mary is in her class.
As she leaves the stage, Bethany doesn’t follow her classmates back to her seat, but goes right out the side door.
Something is wrong. I don’t know what, but I intend to find out.
Getting up from my seat, I excuse myself and head out, determined to find her.
I barely make it to the bathroom before I’m on my knees before the toilet. The doctor assures me that I only have a few more weeks of this and then it should pass. God I hope so. At least they’ve been understanding at the hospital. I’ve only gotten sick there about once a week, and since it really hasn’t affected my performance, there have been no complaints. However, when I went in for my interview with the department head, I had to tell them what was going on. I know they don’t have a right to ask, but to me it was only fair. Besides, they already knew and if they hadn’t already been impressed with my performance, I might not have gotten the job. They were more concerned with my intention to continue school to become a physician’s assistant and how that might impact work when classes began. As I will no longer be continuing my education, they offered me a position in the ER, right along with Mary, and while I’ll get maternity leave, it won’t be paid, so I need to continue to save every single penny so I can support me and the baby when the time comes.
At least Mom isn’t pressuring me to come home. I thought she’d be even worse about me moving home when she found out about the baby, but after I explained about Christian and that he had a right to know his child, she finally relented. Now she’s been putting pressure on me to tell him, just like Mary and Aunt Lily. And, I’m really glad they couldn’t make it
to graduation. Not that I wanted anything to happen to my dad, but I knew that they’d both want to meet him. How can I make that introduction when I’m trying to avoid him?
But, that avoidance can’t last forever, it just won’t be today. The ceremony will be over soon and I need to be out of here before everyone floods the foyers to congratulate the graduates. If I slip away now, I won’t have to risk running into him, or any of his roommates and friends. They are all here. The guys and the girls he went to high school with, and I just can’t do that right now.
After washing my mouth out with water, I wipe off my face, take a deep breath and head out of the bathroom, determined to get out of here and back to my apartment where I can hide—something I’ve become very good at of late.
“Hey, Bethany.”
I stop and blink up at Christian and my stomach flips. Not in a ‘I’m going to be sick again’ kind of way, but the way it always does when he’s around.
“Hey.”
“Are you okay?”
I swallow past the lump in my throat when I look into his dark, concerned eyes. And as much as I just want to burst into tears and run into his arms, I don’t.
How the hell did I fall in love with him in such a short time and why the hell weren’t those feelings extinguished when he showed his true colors by pushing me away.
Except, he wasn’t just being an ass because he’d gotten what he wanted from me. He was in a panic at the evidence that he had cancer. Can any of us predicate how we’d react in the same situation? It’s easy to say what we’d do when there is no real concern that it would actually happen, so how can I judge him? We had a great weekend. He was gone for two weeks, and he was willing to stand by me and be a couple when he thought I was pregnant. It only changed when he faced his own crisis, and the reason why I have to keep my distance because I don’t know if he’s learned from any of that. It told him that he had to prove himself, but I don’t know how he actually can.
Shake, Rattle and Roll: The Baxter Boys #4 (The Baxter Boys ~ Rattled) Page 24