Elements of Ruin (Hijinks Harem Book 2)

by C. M. Stunich

  “Aye. Surprising, isn't it? Seeing someone date up like that?” he asked, and the look he was giving me clearly said you're a low ranker, how did you get all these guys? Okay, I wasn't just going to punch Dustin in the throat, I was going straight for his family jewels. Including that nice, long cock of his … Ahem. “And what in the name of Mother Mary is that bleeding smell?!” Dustin added before I got a chance to respond.

  I paused for a moment, sniffed the air, and then felt my face pale.

  Uh-oh.

  “Guys,” I said, clearing my throat and realizing for the first time that the faint scent of rot I was smelling wasn't just that weird old lady smell I'd gotten used to as part of Gram's house. It was … cuntmuffin. A rotting cuntmuffin. “We forgot about Kuntemopharn's corpse.”

  It's a difficult task, finding a place to put an undead dragon's corpse. Just looking at him lying in my garage was making my skin ripple with gooseflesh and bile rise in my throat. And I was standing a good ten feet back on the driveway while Billy retched into the bushes.

  “Sugar, I hate to tell ya this,” Shane said as he stood beside me. “But you're going to have to animate this fuckin' thing so we can move it.”

  “Animate it?” I asked, wrinkling up my nose and looking at the gelatinous goo thing that was stinking up my garage. Honestly, I was surprised it didn't smell worse. Musta been some of Bio Dad's residual magic or something. “Are you sure it's even … animatable?”

  “No clue,” Shane said as Billy stumbled down the driveway, put his hands on his knees and dry heaved dramatically. It was just me and the four hubbies out here right now. The other two hanger-ons were inside, talking about god only knew what. I was secretly hoping Gram would eavesdrop and relay the info back to me.

  Britt was sitting on the porch steps, chatting to her newest boy toy on the phone. She seemed seriously into this alpha wolf guy, but I'd seen her do this with men before. I wouldn't be surprised if she'd tossed him to the curb before this whole 'your biological parents are trying to suck your essence out through boyfriends and kill you all' thing was over.

  “If you can't animate that thing,” Reg said, eating chips and acting like the rotting smell didn't bother him for shit. I stared at his Sailor Jerry tattoos and tried not to enjoy the way his thick arm muscles bunched as he shoved snack food in his mouth. “Then we're going to need biohazard suits, shovels, and like, some industrial bleach.”

  “Do you think you can do it, Blossom?” George asked, putting his hand on my arm. The second his skin touched mine, I swear, I felt this calming sensation wash over me. He was like aloe vera for my soul, George was. No wonder I'd decided not to … you know, hate him so much. I didn't hate any of these guys, and I barely knew them. Hell, they'd sort of dragged me into this whole mess kicking and screaming and yet … I was happy.

  The happiest I'd been in years.

  Standing at the end of a driveway looking at a giant rotting dragon corpse.

  Fuck, the sex alone made it all almost worth it. I mean, I had four sexy ass motherfucking dudes I could bed whenever I wanted. Dudes that were down for a little guy on guy, too. I mean, what else did I need in my life?

  Sucking in a sharp breath, I closed my eyes and touched on that silver pool of energy inside of me, imagining it flowing up and through me, right out of my fingertips and into the body of Kuntemopharn.

  When I flicked my lids open, I was surprised to see the filthy, rotted thing lifting its head. It turned the dark pits of its eyes in my direction and bared a mouthful of pointed teeth.

  Holy. Shit.

  Now get the fuck out of my garage, I thought, pumping more magic into the creature and using sheer force of will to pull him from the garage. He twisted around himself like a snake and flew out, floating in a melted, stinking mess over the driveway.

  “Got any enemies you owe payback to?” I heard Warden ask from the direction of the house. I glanced over and found him standing there with his hands in his pockets, looking up at the dead dragon with those gorgeous hazel eyes of his. “Because this would be sooo much better than egging their house, right?”

  “Very mature of you, Warden.” I tried to sound disapproving but couldn't hide the grin on my face as I pictured flying the rotting pile of dragon corpse over to Alberta's house.

  “Seriously, guys, what the hell do I do with this thing now?” I looked at my husbands who all helpfully scratched their heads and looked confused.

  “Good sparkling jumping jacks, do I have to think of everything?” Warden muttered, storming down the steps to join us in the driveway. “Fly this putrid sack of deer shit around to the backyard. George, you go and dig a hole. A deep blinking hole.”

  “You want me to bury it in my backyard?” I asked, alarmed at the idea of having this rank thing in my garden.

  “Yeah, it's actually a really good idea,” George nodded, agreeing with Warden.

  “It is?” Shane looked at George like he'd just sprouted leaves.

  “Yes. To be honest, he'd make great fertilizer for your garden, Blossom.” George smiled happily, and hummed as he wandered through to the backyard where he began magically excavating a hole big enough for Kuntemopharn's corpse.

  “Um, fair enough?” I really had nothing else to say to that logic, so did as directed, commanding Kuntemopharn's dripping flesh to follow George and then get in the hole when he was finished.

  We all stood around like we were attending some sort of fucked up funeral, and watched as the demonic dragon slumped back into lifelessness, then George piled the dirt back on top of it.

  “I kind of feel like we should say somethin'?” Shane commented, clearly feeling the same funeral-type vibe as me.

  Billy snorted, and punched him in the arm. “Thank fuck that smell seems to be gone now.”

  “Okay, so where were we before all of this smelly crap?” I asked my husbands and they all stared back at me blankly.

  “Weren’t you about to have a three-way with Warden and Dustin?” Reg reminded me. “Or were you hoping we might all join you?”

  “What?” I squeaked, not totally horrified by the idea, but a bit confused as to the logistics of a seven-way. Baby steps, Ari. Just get through this fucking wedding before thinking about a seven-way.

  “You were being summoned by the Seelie Queen, remember?” Warden prompted and I snapped my fingers.

  “That's right,” I nodded, heading back inside the house, “so when am I expected to show up at the, um, Seelie Court?” I glanced to Dustin for clarification that this was the right term, seeing as he seemed the most familiar with the fae people.

  “Not until dawn,” he responded in a gruff voice, running a hand through his dirty red hair. “Do ye think there's any chance I could have a wash? I stink of CUM.”

  “Oh yeah?” Reg chuckled, and I rolled my eyes at him.

  “Yes, Dustin, of course. Up the stairs to the left.” See, I had manners sometimes. When they suited me. Dustin bobbed his head in thanks and followed my directions to my newly remodeled bathroom.

  “Do we know where this Seelie Court is located?” I asked my remaining five husbands. God, that was a statement. Remaining five husbands.

  “It's technically located in Kansas, but there will be a faerie gate here in town that can take us there in two shakes of a lamb's tail,” Shane informed me. I wasn't totally sure how long a lamb took to shake its tail twice, but it sounded quick?

  “It might be a good idea to get this marking finished before entering Francesca's court, Blossom,” George suggested gently. “Not that I really want you sleeping with two guys who have no intention of joining our relationship. But I'd prefer that over you getting killed, or worse.”

  “Is that what we're risking by going to see this Francesca chick? Death?” I squeaked, sounding like I'd just inhaled a balloon full of helium, or swallowed a mouse.

  “You're risking death every damn day without those marks completed,” Billy grumbled in a tone more surly than usual. “Just go and get it over w
ith. Then maybe these two can fuck off out of our life again.”

  “After the weddin',” Shane added, and Billy muttered something obscene under his breath.

  “Right. Of course. Yes, I knew that. Well?” I raised my eyebrows at Warden, and tried to tell my heart to stop flipping its shit at the prospect of allowing him back inside me once more.

  “Fine. Let's do this.” He could have at least tried to sound enthusiastic about it. Wanker. “Dustin!” Warden bellowed, stalking up the stairs and yanking his shirt off as he went.

  Well, shit. I guess we weren't here to fuck spiders after all.

  Half an hour later, and the three of us—Warden, Dustin and myself—were sitting in awkward silence on the faded pink floral bedspread of my Grams' old spare bedroom. My bedroom still had a cactus plant the size of a damn lamppost growing out of the floor, which I really did need to have George sort out soon.

  We'd gotten up to the underwear stage before Dustin pointed out we didn't have the damn knife and cup thing to complete the magic side of the ritual. Turns out, we'd forgotten to pick it up when we left the witch's shop, so George was on his way to collect it for us now.

  “So, um, what do you do for a living, Dustin?” I asked, awkward as fuck, because what the hell else were you meant to say to a virtual stranger when you were sitting around in your knickers waiting for magical cutlery so you could fuck with runes and chanting and shit.

  “Are ye asking if I'm a good f’nothing layabout like the rest of your damn harem?” he challenged, and I opened my mouth to defend my plumbers. They had jobs, just not money. And it was a damn reverse harem, thank you very much.

  “Here!” George burst into the room and laid the ritual items on the bed for us. “Did you want me to stay and make sure the ritual's done correctly?” He threw a saucy wink at me, and I considered it for a moment. George was just sex on a damn stick, standing there in his cotton fisherman pants and no shirt. At least I knew he was attracted to me.

  “Stay or go, makes no difference to me,” Dustin sneered, standing from the bed and stripping his boxers off completely, leaving his bare, half erect shaft inches from my face. “Let's do this, wife.”

  “Um.” I was a little lost for words, and when Warden—love of my life and the one who got away—stood on the other side of me, also naked but very much erect, my mouth went dry.

  Warden's gaze trailed slowly over Dustin's naked body before moving to me, and he cocked his head expectantly. “You're going to need to get naked, Smokey.”

  “Uh, right,” I said, feeling suddenly self-conscious in my fox themed bra and panties. I'd ordered them from some silly app game with interactive romance novels. They'd somehow managed to micro-transaction my ass for a hundred dollars in fake outfits for my Kit Davenport character. And now I also somehow owned The Vixen's Lead book themed panty and bra set. “So, um, should …”

  “Oh, Smokey,” Warden said with a small sigh and a soft laugh. “When the hell did you get so shy? The girl I knew used to streak around campus with a beer and a half or less. Didn't even care that your tits were punching you in the face as you ran.”

  “Oh my god, Maxi Pad,” I said as he pulled me up off the bed and turned me around, unhooking my bra clasps with strong, warm fingers. “Are you trying to turn me on or off here?”

  “Are you sure you don't need me?” George asked, setting the athame and chalice on the floor and drawing a circle of glowing runes with one finger. “Because unlike some, making love to you isn't a chore for me; it's a privilege.”

  “Oh, aye, it's a privilege alright,” Dustin said, standing there with his one tattooed arm, looking like a veritable fucking badass. He was such a piece of shit, but damn, he was hot as hell. “If you believe in the whole spirit elemental bullshit.”

  “Believe in it?” I asked as Warden unclasped my bra and put his lips to my neck. My skin prickled with goose bumps. “How could you … how could you possibly not believe in …” I groaned as Warden slicked his tongue down the side of my neck, completely electrifying me—pun intended.

  “What he means,” George said, coming over to sit on the bed next to me, looking up into my eyes with his dark brown gaze. “Is that he doesn't think a wife, a spirit elemental, is all that important. He doesn't believe in the sept.”

  “How do you know what I bleedin' believe in?” Dustin asked with a low growl. “I found the woman I wanted to be with and now she's not likely to give me a second chance, eh? Considering I'm about to go balls deep in her best friend.”

  I turned around, my fox bra tumbling to the floor, and covered my breasts with my arms.

  “If you're in love with Siobhan, I'd rather not do this at all,” I snapped, feeling a hard steel lump in my belly. I wasn't sure if it was from hurt, jealousy, confusion … My life was just weird. I had so many emotions, I'd need a whole weekend of girl talk and a hundred pints of ice cream to sort them out. Oh, and about ten bottles of wine. Okay, fifteen bottles.

  “I …” Dustin started, pausing his rant a little. He looked at me from jade eyes and then sighed deeply. “Look, ya little gobshite, I'm not trying to rain on yer pride. And Siobhan and I … Mother Mary, I don't know if we would've made it as a couple. I'm just being a right proper arsehole. I just don't believe in handing over my whole life to a woman just because she's a spirit and a female elemental at that. You can understand that, yeah?”

  “I … didn't ask for any of this,” I said, staring at Warden's deliciously muscular midsection instead of anyone's face. “Don't you think I might've been on the lookout for some romance, too?”

  I glanced over at George's face, to see if I might've upset him with my words. But his expression was soft, eyes kind, his posture relaxed. He was staring at me like he was trying to take it all in, memorizing my words for later … God, I sure hoped so! I could use some romance in my life … The sex was awesome, but where were the roses? The champagne? The chocolates and candlelit dinners and … you know, all that girly shit.

  “Alright, alright,” Dustin said, moving over next to the bed, his cock fully erect now and pretty damn close to starting a sword fight with Warden's. “I'm acting like a feckin' eejit. Look, you're even more beautiful in elemental form than you were as a succubus, okay?”

  I glanced down and realized that … holy shit, I was glowing that purple-black color again. My emotions must've been running sky-high.

  “So look, your nipples are as hard as rocks, and there's a wet spot on your knickers”—I glanced down and realized with a massive flush of embarrassment that he was right—“so let's just treat this the way it is, as a bunch of consenting adults that are horny and attracted to each other, and then I'll be on my way, alright?”

  “Okay,” I said, with a long deep breath.

  “I'll give you some privacy,” George said, standing up and then looking down at me with the bright spark of affection in his eyes. We might not have known each other long, but I could tell that the earth elemental, at the very least, took our connection seriously. “Because I can't separate emotion from this.”

  He leaned down and pressed a rose scented kiss to my cheek before leaving the room and closing the door softly behind him.

  “Three-way sex with no strings attached,” I said as I looked up at Warden and found him watching me with a strange sort of facial expression. He did not look like somebody that was here for a quick fuck. Not at all. And he was planning to leave after this?! Or was he … I was getting completely mixed signals from the man formerly known as Max Cornwall. “I can do that.”

  “There's the spirit, my little leprechaun,” Dustin said with a smirk that told me was definitely using the term leprechaun ironically. “Now, want to see how rock-hard a metal elemental can really get downstairs? Maybe you should start with your mouth?”

  “My … mouth?!” I asked as he reached down and wrapped his tattooed hand around the firm, hard length of his shaft. Now that I was sitting so close to him, I could see that he had a whimsical sleeve of color from hi
s fingertips to his shoulder, thick limbed trees with faeries decorating the branches and tiny forest spirits hiding in the bushes. It was very … Irish? Or at least that's how my British/Australian/American brain perceived it. “You've got to be kidding me,” I said as Dustin laughed and Warden gave him a look.

  “Eh, if you don't want to suck me off …” he started, leaning down and scooping me up off the edge of the bed. He tossed me up toward the pillows and I squeaked as I bounced a little. “Then I'm more than happy to bury my face in your sweet folds.”

  “Don't be vulgar,” I said, but I also, you know, kind of liked it. Dustin crawled up on the bed, smelling like soap and shampoo, and curled his fingers under the waistband of my fox panties, dragging them down my hips and over my feet. He tossed them aside with this smug as fuck grin on his face, like he was already damn well certain that I was going to love what his asshole tongue had to offer.

  “Well, hello,” he chuckled, parting my sweet folds with his fingers and stroking a finger over my piercing. “How'd I not notice this gem sooner, hmm?”

  “Ugh, maybe because you were busy trying to nail me to the damn floor in front of a room full of CUM?” I tried to sound sassy and nonchalant but the lust was thick in my voice.

  Warden stretched out alongside me on the bed and gripped his erect dick with one strong, tanned hand.

  “Whatever it was,” Dustin replied, “I like what I'm seeing.” His tongue flicked out, stroking the pierced flesh and sending shockwaves of pleasure zinging through me.

  “Is this even really necessary?” I gasped out, like some sort of freaking idiot. “I thought we just needed a quick fuck to do the ritual?” Oh my gods Ari, shut the fuck up and let the man eat you out!

  “Aye, but we all three need to be in the height of passion, as it is. So shut yer sweet mouth and let's get you there, eh?” Dustin was a cunt, for sure, but right now I could think of nothing more than my cunt, and what it was going to feel like to have both Warden and Dustin tag team me. Fuck, just the anticipation was making me wetter than a damn overflowed bathtub.