Elements of Ruin (Hijinks Harem Book 2)

by C. M. Stunich

  “Faerie-in-law?” I asked, cocking a brow. There was a new term. Kind of like sewer troll. I sure hoped it didn't only appear once; I'd like to see it again. Why learn all this new supernatural shit if it didn't pop up more than one time?

  “Yeah, uh, like a mother-in-law but worse, a faerie that's attached itself to your family whether you like it or not.”

  “Like Dobby?” I asked. “From Harry Potter?”

  Now it was Billy's turn to cock a just-perfectly-hairy-and-mussy-but-not-too-much eyebrow at me.

  “Are you sure you want to go to the bookstore, Firebug? Your head is already swimming with literature.” He reached out and flicked me in the forehead with a finger, and I batted his hand away.

  “Yes, I'm sure.” I glanced over at my other husbands, all of whom already looked dressed and ready to go out. “I'm sort of hoping that when all this madness is over with I'll have some more reading time. My TBR list is just out of control right now.”

  “Uh, TBR?” Reg asked, and I rolled my eyes.

  “Of course my penniless plumber husbands aren't readers,” I muttered under my breath, then replied a bit louder. “TBR means To Be Read. As in, the list of books I really want to read but haven't had time to yet.”

  “Ah cool, well it sounds nice! Group date, just like we're on the Bachelorette or something.” Reg grinned, and grabbed my hearse keys off the coffee table. “I'm driving!”

  As we followed my water elemental husband out of the house, I looked Shane up and down, admiring his sexy fucking body wrapped in a tight white T-shirt and jeans.

  “We kind of match today,” I murmured, as he tossed a leather jacket of his own on. He flashed me a grin in lieu of a response, and tucked his hand into the back pocket of my jeans as we headed outside. Like we were one of those real cutesie couples that usually made me want to gag.

  “It's pretty late, Blossom, and you haven't eaten all day. Did you want to get dinner before or after the bookstore?” George, ever the considerate one, asked as Shane and I climbed into the makeshift backseat of my hearse. There was still ample room in the back for a few dead bodies, so to speak, but the extra seats I'd added had come in real handy since hooking up with all these men. Dragons. Elementals. Whatever the fuck they were. “Sometimes it's hard to tell what's more important—food or good reading material.”

  “Dinner sounds great!” I smiled happily. “Where were you thinking? I don't really know the restaurants around here all that well yet.”

  “There's a cute Italian place near the bookstore, if you're up for pizza and pasta?” George suggested, and my mouth watered just thinking about it. “They serve some pretty great red wine too, so I figure it’s right up your alley.”

  “You know me so well,” I groaned, then paused. They really did know me so well, and all I really knew about them was what their big, beautiful penises looked like. Oh, and that George loved getting his balls sucked. Other than that, what did I really know?

  “Um,” I pondered out loud. “So, do you guys have any hobbies?”

  “Sugar Tits,” Reg chuckled from the driver’s seat of my car. My car. How the hell had he ended up driving my car? I must have lost a few brain cells during those three—four?—orgasms with Warden and Dustin. “Are you trying to get to know us better?”

  “So what if I am?” I asked, “We're like … married and shit, right? So, shouldn't I get to know you?”

  “I think that's just a plum fine idea, honey babe,” Shane drawled, slinging an arm over my shoulders and tugging me in close to his body. His hot, hard, body.

  Damn it Arizona! No sex until we get home. Then … well all bets are off once we get home.

  “Well, I teach karate classes to impoverished children,” Billy offered, absentmindedly making flames dance across his knuckles. Now that he mentioned it, I did vaguely remember one of the guys saying something about that the day we all met.

  “Wow, that's so nice of you, Billy,” I said with a small eye roll, placing my hand on his knee and squeezing. “And look how modest you are about it, too!” I was squished in between him and Shane in the back seat while George had taken shotgun. How the fuck I ended up in the bitch seat in my own car, I had no idea.

  “What can I say? Guess I'm just a nice guy, huh?” Billy responded with a smirk.

  I ignored him and tapped the back of George's seat.

  “Pretty sure I heard you like to garden”—which made sense, of course, seeing as he was an earth elemental and all—“but there's got to be something else, right?”

  “Mm,” George began, turning to smile at me, his brow scrunched lightly in thought. The palm of his left hand rubbed absently over his tree of life tattoo. He was wearing a shirt right now, but like a really tight royal blue tank top that didn't do much to hide the perfection of the muscles underneath and only served to highlight the beauty of his bronzed skin. “Maybe we can have a look for some in the bookshop?”

  “Of course! I've never really read comic books before,” I admitted. “Maybe you can recommend one I might like?”

  “Blossom,” George said, leaning back between the seats and brushing a thumb over my lower lip. “I honestly couldn't think of anything better than spending time with you.” Pretty sure I heard both Billy and Reg snort, but I ignored them and enjoyed the tingling sensation on my lips—both sets—as George sat back in his seat.

  “How about you Shane?” I asked, snuggling into the warmth of his body. “What do you do for fun when you're not snaking drains?”

  “Video games,” he added with a sharp grin, winking at me. Pretty sure that was over the snaking drains part. “Gran Turismo Sport and those sort of racing games.”

  “Ah yeah, makes sense after seeing your NASCAR room.” I bit back a grin, remembering what had gone on in that NASCAR room. Damn Grams for having interrupted what had been turning out to be some seriously hot dude on dude dick sucking action.

  Reg pulled my hearse into a parking lot outside the restaurant and we all filed out. The waiter seated us almost immediately, seeing as it was already so late and half the diners had probably finished and gone home.

  “And you, Reg?” I asked, when we were seated in the surprisingly private booth in the back of the restaurant. “Any hobbies?”

  The blonde man-whore water elemental tightened his lips for a moment, and I caught sight of grins on the other three men's faces.

  “What am I missing here?” I queried, suspiciously.

  “I like to LARP in my free time,” Reg sniffed, like he was already expecting ridicule for … what had he said? LARP? What the fuck was that?

  He must have seen my confused as hell expression, because he sighed heavily and explained, “LARP. Live Action Role Playing.”

  “Um.” I really did not know what to say to that. “You mean like … dress up as a character and like, pretend to be them?”

  “There's a lot more to it than that,” Reg muttered, with a little bit of indignation.

  “But essentially, yes, Firebug.” Billy snickered, sliding a hand onto my knee under the table. “Reg likes to dress as a vampire.”

  “What can I say? I look hot in leather trench coats. And you should see my viking outfit—fur loincloth. Talk about God's gift to women.” Reg smirked at Billy, then snapped open his menu. “Do you guys know what you want already?”

  “Um, no, we just got here.” I smiled at Reg's embarrassment, picking up my own menu and browsing the options. “Oh, so many carbalicious options, where to even begin?”

  “How about with wine?” George offered, hailing a waiter and ordering a bottle for us to share.

  “You're too sweet,” I murmured, and he winked back at me.

  This is nice. Feels kind of … normal?

  Or as normal as it would ever get, dating—married—to multiple men. It really kind of was like a group date on the Bachelorette, except at the end of the night, I could give them all a rose. Oh, that's a cute idea. Maybe I could duck out and get some roses at some stage? Well, if I co
uld afford them that is ... Good thing I'd found that rumpled hundred in one of Gram's old coat pockets to pay for dinner.

  We decided to order a variety of dishes, so I could try them all, and somehow I wound up sitting in Shane's lap while George spoon-fed me bites of pasta. How the fuck we ended up like that, I had no idea. The wine probably helped.

  “Oh my God,” I groaned, as the creamy sauce slid over my tongue (insert sex joke here). “This food is incredible!” Yes, I was talking about the pasta. My mind was not always in the gutter. Just often.

  “I can safely say this is the sexiest I have ever seen food look,” George muttered, adjusting his rigid tree branch in his pants and shifting uncomfortably.

  “You can say that again,” Shane agreed, stroking his hands across my belly while his own plunger prodded me in the back. “What I wouldn't give to be that spaghetti noodle right now.”

  With deliberately slow movements, I slurped the long noodle into my mouth and licked my lips. Reg held my gaze with his own heated stare and I winked.

  “Give yourself some credit, Skeeter,” Billy scoffed. “Your noodle's a bit bigger than that.”

  Shane coughed a laugh and punched Billy in the arm, jokingly. “Well regardless, I'm already wonderin' what the bathrooms here look like.” Shane's hands returned to my belly, this time sliding up and under my white tank top. “Wanna check them out with me, sugar darlin'?”

  His breath was hot on the curve of my ear, and I stifled an aroused shiver, determined to make it through at least the meal before giving in and letting one—or more—of them fuck me in the loo. Oh geez, just the thought of getting done hard and fast in such a public place was turning my tap on in a big way, and I squirmed a little in Shane's lap.

  “We're supposed to be getting to know each other, like a real date. Remember?” I said, in a breathy, lust-filled voice that not even I thought sounded convincing.

  “Of course,” Billy smirked, “like a real date.” The look in his eyes made it pretty clear how he expected a real date might go, and it probably differed from the Bachelorette Group Date I was picturing. Oh fine, I was probably picturing the same dirty things he was.

  “Are we having dessert?” I asked, in an exceptionally subtle change of subject, if I did say so myself.

  There was a long pause around the table, where I think everyone was waiting for someone else to make a dirty joke about what was for dessert, but it went way past the socially acceptable amount of time for a joke to be funny.

  “Um, how about ice cream on the way to the bookstore?” Shane suggested and there was a polite murmuring of agreement around the table.

  “So long as we all agree to finish and wash our hands before we go into the bookstore,” George agreed with a small frown on his face. “It's not okay to be putting sticky ice cream fingers all over brand-new books and comics.” He gave a pointed glare at Billy who rolled his eyes and huffed.

  “It was one time and I didn't even know!” Billy slid out of the booth and waited for me to scramble off Shane's lap. “I was eating a chocolate bar and didn't notice there was still some chocolate melted on the side of my hand. It was just bad luck that I happened to get it all over George's magazine thing.”

  “Comic book,” George growled, following us up to the register to pay. And by us, I meant me, because my husbands were all penniless layabouts and I was paying.

  The five of us wandered down the street to a packed gelato shop called Gelato Messina. It was actually an Australian brand that had just taken off worldwide, and the line was out the door.

  “Looks like a bit of a wait,” Shane commented. “Do you mind, little sweet tea? Or do you wanna go somewhere else?”

  “We're in no rush! Seelie Court doesn't expect us until dawn right?” I clarified, and they nodded. “Well then, let's get some awesome Aussie gelato!”

  “Sounds good to me,” Billy agreed, eyeing up the menu board of weird and wonderful flavors.

  “Tell Shane what flavor you want and then let's go for a walk,” Reg murmured in my ear, sliding his arms around my waist. “No sense in all five of us standing in line, right?”

  “Good thinking,” I nodded. “Salted caramel with white chocolate please, Shane! Here.” I handed over my wallet, and let Reg take my hand to lead me away from the crowds.

  When we got maybe a hundred yards down the street, he yanked me into a darkened alleyway and sealed his lips to mine in a frantic, hungry kiss. Moaning against his mouth, I met him with enthusiasm and hitched a leg up around his waist, letting him grind his hard length against my denim clad crotch.

  “Sorry, ST,” he panted, leaving my lips and kissing down the line of my throat. “I wasn't going to survive a whole trip to the bookstore without doing this first.”

  “So long as this means just kissing,” I murmured, wondering if I'd ever get tired of having a stable of well-endowed men with ravenous sexual appetites. Huh. I just couldn't really imagine that being a problem, especially if Reg's mom was an example of what I'd look like when I got older. Elementals didn't age like humans, so maybe I'd never lose my sex drive? Lucky me.

  “This means … fooling around a little,” Reg said, kissing my throat and pushing my ass up against the brick wall of the alley. “Getting close to orgasm and pulling back, so that when I ravage you tonight … you're all hot and bothered.”

  “Uh-huh,” I said, but I was having too much fun to argue with him. I felt like a sex goddess or something, all these men around just to please me. It was amazing.

  “And that way,” Reg continued, reaching down to unbutton my jeans, “your brain will be so sex addled that tomorrow, when you visit the faerie court, you'll be too love drunk to care what happens.” He slid his long, tattooed fingers into the denim, his Sailor Jerry tattoos dancing with the movement. “Oh, and hopefully you won't mind when we drop you off at my mom's house for training …”

  “What?!” I snapped, shoving the cosplaying water elemental back and angrily fixing my jeans. “That's still happening?!”

  “Why wouldn't it?” Reg asked, tilting his head to one side, like he was a little confused and hurt by my rejection. Also, maybe a little annoyed, but I decided to ignore that part so we didn't start fighting. Starting my new relationship with this man and fighting about my mother-in-law was just too cliché. “You've seen all the crap we've been through lately, Arizona.”

  Oh.

  He was calling me Arizona instead of Sugar Tits … That wasn't good.

  “We've had to fight for our lives more than once, and you don't even know what your powers can do, let alone how to use them.”

  “I got rid of cuntmuffin's corpse,” I murmured as Reg sighed and leaned back against the wall on the opposite side of the alley, his clear blue eyes darkening with memories.

  “Yeah, but ST, there's so much more to it than just that.” He ruffled up his blonde hair with his fingers, the anchors and pin up girls and sparrows on his inked arm drawing my attention. Not only was the work quality, but the muscles in his arm were thick and hard. I just wanted to wrap my body around him, lean in close and smell that clear, fresh scent of his, like water in a babbling brook. It shouldn't really have a scent, but somehow that crisp, outdoorsy smell drew a person in.

  That was Reg for me.

  “You can talk to ghosts, control zombies, and harness the powers of the rest of your sept. Being a spirit elemental is hard work.”

  “Is that why there aren't any females left?” I asked and Reg tossed me a wink and a cocky smile. It was cute, even with the stench of rotten garbage and bum piss stinking up the alleyway. I hadn't noticed when I was letting Reginald grind his pipe wrench into my sink trap, but now that we were several feet apart, I decided this maybe wasn't the best place for a conversation.

  Reg opened his mouth to talk when the metal sewer grate nearest us moved across the ground, revealing an open black hole with a face in it.

  I screamed and Reg went full-on water dragon, shifting into his long, sinuous blue form in
an instant. I'd noticed the boys preferred to go wing-less, but since their forms were literally made of the elements, it was a matter of preference. This time, Reg did have wings, and he lifted them up to shield me from whatever was coming out of the sewer.

  “Excuse us,” a bitchy voice said, and a moment later, my man shifted back into human form again and turned to me with a roll of his eyes.

  “Sewer trolls,” he muttered as several women with varying shades of green skin crawled out and stood there in dirty party dresses, smoking cigarettes, and checking my husband out with mud colored eyes. Or … since they were sewer trolls, should I say shit colored eyes? Sounded more accurate to me. At least they were prettier than the one we'd met at the bondage wear shop.

  “So what?” one of the girls said, her hair like twisted tree roots, hanging halfway down her back. She even had bits of rocks and pebbles, pennies and shiny dimes, braided into it. “Are you racist or something?”

  “Not racist,” Reg said, stepping back and putting his arm around my waist. “Just explaining to my spirit why a bunch of supes would hang out underground. What's happening down there anyway?”

  The girls traded looks and then flicked a glance my way.

  In the flush of a toilet, they'd gone from looking bored and irritated to … interested.

  “A party,” one of them said, grinning with brown-yellow teeth. No offense or anything, but I was pretty sure that if my soul mates had shown up in sewer troll form … that I never would've given into the marking ceremony. Some people might think, based on my story, that I was forced into that group orgy, that it wasn't exactly consensual.

  But … they'd have to be dumb as shit. One look at my men and it was pretty obvious why I'd leap into bed with them—even if they were strangers. They were hot as fuck. The sewer trolls? Well, they didn't smell like a bubbling brook, that was for sure.

  “It's a rave,” one of the others said, this one with hair like living willow branches, draping down to her shoulders in feathered green waves. “Drugs, sex, serious dancing. But it's invitation only.”