Finding Hannah

by Fiona McCallum

  ‘Well, I’m sure tomorrow will be a better one.’

  ‘Thanks, I hope so,’ Hannah said, trying to smile.

  ‘Come on, Lil, we’ve got to get Daddy’s ice-cream,’ the woman said brightly, and took off.

  Hannah stared after the woman and then looked at the shelf she was standing beside. Tomato paste. That was always on her list. She picked up a bottle. What else was there?

  Come on, Hann, you can do this and then you can get home to your safe haven.

  *

  Hannah didn’t remember going through the checkout, handing over her credit card, leaving the store or driving home. But here she was, back in her kitchen, shopping bags beside her. Tris, I did it. I did the groceries. All alone. Hannah allowed herself to bask in her sense of accomplishment, ignoring the gloom trying to seep back in.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Hannah lingered over breakfast then laced up her runners. At the end of her street she paused. For the past week or so after work she’d stayed on the local streets and avoided crossing the road and running to the park. Could she go to the park where she and Tris had always gone? Of course she could go there – all it took was one foot in front of the other. But could she go alone and not dissolve into tears and make a spectacle of herself? That was the question.

  She’d been doing all right. There hadn’t been any major steps forward, but she was slowly coming to grips with her new life and there hadn’t been any serious backward steps. She’d just have to see how she’d fare today, visiting one of her and Tristan’s favourite haunts. She took a deep breath and looked left and right to cross the road.

  The park was packed with people and dogs. Hannah focussed on striding purposefully around the main walking track in the opposite direction from the way she and Tris used to jog. It was strange how this one change made the track seem so foreign to her. She knew it wasn’t only that, of course, but she couldn’t let herself dwell on the other reason why it was so different or she might unravel.

  She stood back from the pond and watched a couple sitting on the grass nearby who were tearing apart a loaf of bread. They were surrounded by ducks waiting to catch bits of the bread. There was something quite magical and relaxing about feeding the ducks. She’d loved doing it until she was horrified to learn that bread was bad for them. For years now she’d scattered shredded lettuce and various grains for the ducks and received strange looks from passers-by. She longed to tell these folk that what they were doing was wrong, but didn’t want to get into an argument. The park was for peace and tranquillity.

  Hannah had completely forgotten to bring anything from home – she’d been too focussed on just getting here. There was a bag of rolled oats in the cupboard and she definitely had some lettuce she could chop up. Perhaps next week.

  She and Tristan had always completed a loop using the footbridges, but Hannah didn’t feel like going any further. Instead she sat quietly and tried to get the feel of the place again – or a new feel for the place – try to soak up some of the happiness of those out enjoying the mild summer’s day.

  Dogs ran out in the dedicated open space, barking with excitement, darting this way and that, dodging, ducking and weaving around their owners, chasing balls, stopping to greet and sniff newcomers, pee.

  She turned as a child squealed, and was ready to leap up and run to their aid. But it was okay, a group of children were all shrieking with delight at managing to catch Mum or Dad or their ball, or with excited fear as their parent let go of their bicycle. It was nice to see so many people having fun. But at the same time it deeply saddened her.

  Now she would never have Tristan’s child to bring to the park and teach to ride their bike or play with a ball or Frisbee or fly a kite or a remote-control plane when they were older.

  Her heart thudded painfully, but she sat still, forcing herself to enjoy the sun on her back and soak up the positive energy from those around her.

  She was concentrating so hard on looking across the open lawn and trying to force herself to think positively that she stopped seeing people passing on the path right in front of her. Suddenly she felt a bump to her knees. She was so startled she almost shouted and leapt up from the bench. But somehow she managed to keep her composure. A large German shepherd was standing in front of her. While she really didn’t like dogs – was actually a little scared of them, especially big ones – she couldn’t help but smile at the sight that greeted her.

  As the dog sat, she noticed it had a tennis ball in its mouth. What wasn’t quite so nice was how close to her lap the dog was – practically in it. The dog’s thick tail brushed back and forth across the concrete slab under the bench. With its gaze locked on Hannah, the dog suddenly opened its mouth and deposited the ball onto her lap, the filthy, wet object was dripping with glistening, foamy saliva.

  Hannah looked down and squirmed. Her stomach turned. The dog’s tail stopped and it looked expectantly from her face down to the ball.

  ‘Yuck. No, go away, I don’t want to play with you.’

  The dog cocked its head.

  ‘He wants you to throw the ball,’ a child of about seven yelled from several metres away. She thought she heard the word, ‘Der’ as well. She considered yelling back that she knew that but she didn’t like dogs or soggy, chewed tennis balls and certainly did not want to touch said tennis ball or play with said dog and end up all smelly. But she wasn’t about to get into this discussion with a child and spark a park-rage incident.

  Hannah recoiled when the dog stood up. When it hopped up onto the bench beside her she was so taken aback she couldn’t move. And then she was pinned to the spot as the dog settled its huge head in her lap.

  Oh, god. She didn’t know where to put her hands that had been in her lap and were now waving about above the dog. She didn’t want to touch the creature. And she could feel the dampness from the tennis ball that had rolled back and was now being pushed deep into her crotch by the weight of the dog seeping through her track pants. Bloody hell. She carefully retrieved the ball with the tips of two fingers and tossed it.

  The dog lifted its head, looked, and seemed to take in the direction of the ball but then relaxed into her lap again.

  ‘I threw your damned ball,’ she said. ‘Go chase it and leave me alone. Go on. Go!’

  But the dog stayed put. It lifted its head, looked up at her through long dark lashes, but then relaxed. She thought it might have whined or groaned softly, but couldn’t be sure. There were so many people and so much noise around. She just wished someone would come and get their damned dog. The boy who’d spoken to her was nowhere to be seen. Clearly it wasn’t his dog.

  Hannah sat there pinned down by the large beast, trying not to touch it. She didn’t want to try to get up or drag it off her in case it became aggressive. She really didn’t know anything about dogs, except that they were scary and unpredictable and had lots of large sharp teeth, which could do serious damage.

  Suddenly a loud voice cut in above the general noise. ‘Charlie, come here. Now!’

  The dog lifted its head and Hannah looked around for the owner of the stern voice. A fit-looking man in athletic gear was just metres away.

  ‘God, I am so sorry. Charlie. Come on, leave the poor lady alone.’

  The dog flapped its tail, but stayed put.

  ‘I’m not sure what to do. I threw the ball,’ Hannah said, shrugging and pointing towards the ball a little way away. ‘But he seems to have changed his mind.’

  ‘I’m really sorry. It’s strange. He’s normally very well-behaved and I’ve never seen him bother a stranger before, let alone sit on them,’ he said, with an embarrassed laugh.

  ‘He’s a lovely dog,’ Hannah said, and meant it.

  ‘Thanks. But right now he’s a naughty dog. Come on, Charlie, get down. Now!’

  The dog got up and left the bench with what seemed to Hannah to be a deep, resigned sigh. Standing in front of her, his tail slowly moving from side to side, he leant forward and licked her hand.
And then he sat again.

  Hannah reached out and stroked his head and ears. ‘Thank you, I like you too,’ she said, surprising herself.

  ‘Right, can we go now?’ the man said.

  As if to answer, Charlie walked over to the tennis ball, picked it up, and trotted off.

  ‘Again, I am so sorry,’ the man said with a wave and ran off, leaving Hannah to stare after them until they turned the corner. What an odd encounter.

  She, and then she and Tristan, had been coming here for years and had never had anything so strange happen before. She felt dazed and a little discombobulated. But far from being frightened, she felt calmer than she had in weeks – since the accident, probably.

  The breeze suddenly picked up, reminding her of her wet track pants. She cursed and instinctively sniffed her hands – gross. Time to go home and get cleaned up. She’d lost interest in the park now and she had a set of clothes to put in the wash to get rid of the dog smell and hair that seemed to be all over her.

  As she walked back, she couldn’t help thinking that apart from the smell and ick factor, her encounter with Charlie the dog had been quite nice.

  *

  The following Sunday Hannah fossicked through the fridge and put together a bag of withered vegetables, which she’d cut up, and some leftover cooked rice for the ducks at the park. She sat on the grass and began tossing the food. Slowly the ducks gravitated to her, coming closer and closer. A few times she was able to put out a hand and touch them. But amongst the group there were a few greedy grumps who chased the friendlier ducks away in the hope of securing more food. Despite the bag having been emptied, shaken out, balled up and placed in her pocket, Hannah had continued to sit. She was starting to enjoy being at the park. She’d come yesterday afternoon too and sat.

  She felt relaxed and almost normal sitting there surrounded by a mass of friendly ducks or on a bench watching the people. She’d passed several hours here yesterday and wasn’t ready to leave yet today. It was weird that being surrounded by strangers you had little or no interaction with could ease the loneliness.

  Yesterday she’d been surprised to find herself scouring the newspaper and then heading out to a few open-house inspections again. While she’d hoped to get some ideas in case she did some work updating the house, it was the close proximity of people she’d actually found herself enjoying the most. It was strange. Ordinarily she hated crowds.

  Hannah knew she probably should accept more invitations, be more sociable – it was, after all, still the summer party season. She’d gone out for after-work drinks on Friday, but had done a runner when someone bought a round of shots. A part of her had wondered if getting blotto might help her feel better or help her to sleep right through the night, but the more sensible part of her said not to go down that path. Though, perhaps if she made herself sick with booze she’d feel something real and different from empty, sad, lonely and confused.

  Anyway, as much as she didn’t want to be at home alone on a Saturday evening, or any evening, she still didn’t think she could find the energy to consider what to wear let alone get dolled up. Heading out straight from work took care of that problem. She’d become very friendly with Caitlin and the sweet younger woman had become her rock at the office. But they didn’t socialise together during weekends. Maybe she should try to change that.

  She was really missing Auntie Beth. Suddenly she couldn’t remember what day she’d be back. The memory she’d always been secretly proud of now leaked like a sieve. Thankfully her work brain still seemed relatively intact.

  ‘Oh. Hello again,’ Hannah exclaimed as the large dog bounded up to her, scattering the ducks. ‘It’s Charlie, isn’t it?’ she said a little nervously. She felt vulnerable sitting cross-legged on the grass with the dog practically standing over her. Again he deposited the chewed wet tennis ball into her lap.

  ‘Oh, well, thank you very much.’ Again she gingerly picked it up, touching it as little as she possibly could, and tossed it. But while the dog gazed after it, again Charlie chose to stay put. He lay down beside Hannah and rested his large head in her lap. He looked up at her before settling with a deep sigh. And again Hannah found herself stroking his soft fur and rubbing his ears.

  ‘Oh, not again. Charlie!’

  Hannah glanced up at hearing the familiar voice. Charlie looked up too, but didn’t move. Hannah saw a figure silhouetted by the late afternoon sun.

  ‘He’s okay,’ Hannah said, raising a hand to shield her eyes.

  ‘Do you mind if I join you?’

  ‘Not at all.’ You may as well since your dog has.

  ‘Nice to see you again.’

  Hannah smiled and focussed on stroking the dog’s fur so she didn’t have to answer. She wasn’t sure why she didn’t want to talk to this friendly man.

  ‘I know you won’t believe this, but until last week, he seriously hadn’t bothered anyone before. He always stays with me when I run. I guess he must have picked you out as a dog lover.’

  ‘But I’m not. A dog lover, that is.’ She cursed her honesty. Why couldn’t I have just nodded and smiled politely?

  ‘Oh. God, well, I’m doubly sorry, then. But you could have fooled me,’ he said, nodding to her hand on his dog’s head in her lap.

  ‘I don’t hate them, I just don’t …’ Hannah gave up speaking and offered a shrug instead. She was starting to sound like not a very pleasant person. It wasn’t the same as saying you didn’t like snakes or spiders, was it?

  ‘Fair enough, they’re not for everyone.’

  ‘So what do you do when you’re not running around the park with Charlie?’ Hannah asked, desperate to turn the attention away from herself.

  ‘Oh. Well, I run most days. And when I’m not running I’m pretty much working. Yes, I’m a sad sack, but I love my job.’

  Before Hannah had a chance to answer, she heard the sound of a muffled mobile chime.

  ‘Sorry. Hang on. Oh, I’ve got to go,’ the man said after checking it. ‘An emergency has come in and I’m needed back at work,’ he said, getting up. Charlie, clearly sensing the urgency, got up too. ‘It was lovely to meet you.’

  ‘It was nice to meet you, too,’ Hannah said. ‘Good luck with the emergency.’

  ‘Thanks. I’ll see you around.’

  ‘Bye. See ya, Charlie, thanks for stopping by,’ she said, giving the dog’s ears a final ruffle.

  She smiled after them, but continued to sit, unwilling to break the spell she felt herself in. It had been another strange but nice encounter.

  *

  When the sun went down behind the trees Hannah got up and slowly made her way home. As she walked she congratulated herself on having almost made it through another weekend.

  ‘There you are!’

  Hannah looked up, startled. She’d been ambling along, lost in her thoughts. There was Beth, standing by her front door.

  ‘You’re back!’ Hannah cried, and hurried up the path.

  ‘I’d nearly given up on you,’ Beth said as they hugged tightly.

  ‘I went to the park to feed the ducks. Come in and tell me all about your trip,’ she said. ‘Tea? Coffee?’

  ‘I could murder a tea, thanks.’

  ‘So, how was it?’

  ‘Very enjoyable. I can’t wait to tell Rob he was absolutely right about it being a floating retirement village. And, yes, wall-to-wall Zimmer frames. Quite the funniest thing. It was fun. There were so many activities, I’ve come home for a rest! You could fill every moment of every day if you wanted to, or just sit and relax and read or watch the world go by. Although I didn’t spend nearly enough time exercising – I’ve come back looking like a right roly-poly.’

  ‘You look exactly the same to me.’

  ‘Thanks.’

  ‘So the food was good?’

  ‘Well, you know me, it doesn’t have to be particularly good for me to eat it,’ Beth said. ‘But, yes, everything was very tasty. And even better when you haven’t had to prepare it yourself. Oh, I
tell you, it really was the life. A few of us are even looking into planning our next one.’

  ‘That’s brilliant. I’m so pleased you enjoyed it.’

  ‘So, enough about me, I’ll bore you with the pictures and stories about who fell asleep playing bingo later. How are you? And no sugar coating.’

  ‘God, I’ve missed you,’ Hannah said.

  ‘I’ve missed you too, dear,’ she said, patting Hannah’s hand. ‘But, come on, no dodging the question.’

  ‘I’m okay. I guess. I still spontaneously burst into tears.’

  ‘That’s normal.’

  ‘But so bloody embarrassing,’ Hannah said, shaking her head. ‘And I hate being on my own.’

  ‘Darling, it took me years to get used to that.’

  ‘Great, just great.’

  ‘You look better than when I left – you’re a bit brighter and have a little more colour to your cheeks.’

  ‘That’s good. I’ve been running. Getting some exercise really helps.’

  ‘Oh, Hannah, that’s great. I’m so glad you’re getting out and about. I’ve been worried you might have cooped yourself up.’

  ‘I might have if I didn’t hate being on my own so much,’ Hannah said, managing a slight laugh. ‘I’ve even started going to open-house inspections just so I don’t have to be alone. Sam has been fantastic, but she can’t spend all of her free time with me – what little she has.’

  ‘Yes, it can be tricky. I remember making a roster when I lost my Elliot to make sure I didn’t impose on one person too much. Though your parents could be very persuasive. They were my truest friends,’ she said wistfully.

  ‘I’ve realised Sam, Rob and you and one of my workmates are the only real friends I have. I thought I had a reasonably large social circle, but …’

  ‘Well, it’s times like these you find out who you can count on, not to mention who you truly value. There’s no shame in letting go if someone is no longer your friend. If you haven’t already, you’ll one day realise it’s about quality rather than quantity when it comes to friendships.’