Destiny: Hilltops Series - Book One

by Faith Starr

  It was as if bricks were attached to my legs. With every step I took, they got that much heavier. I honestly didn’t think they would get me from the parking lot to the class. It was like being in boot camp—brutal.

  How I did it, I’ll never know, but I actually got there with a few minutes to spare. I collapsed down on my mat, already out of breath, and the instructor hadn’t even started yet. Maybe nobody would notice if I sneaked out. My body certainly felt like it had exerted itself enough for one day. Casey must’ve been feeling the same way, because she was nowhere to be found. She didn’t text me that morning to say she wasn’t coming either, which I found odd because we always told each other if we were going to miss class.

  Oh well. I left a space beside me in case she was running late. Not that the word happy was in my vocabulary at the present moment, but I had to admit I was a little relieved to see she wasn’t there. I wasn’t in the mood to talk to her or anybody else this morning, afternoon, or evening. Talking about anything would only make me cry again. Yup. That was me, a fragile crystal glass in a world full of bulldozers.

  Barely breathing, but with a pulse to prove my existence, indicated I had made it out alive. My legs literally shook on my way to the car. How I wouldn’t have loved to take a sick day. Yoga had done zip to help change my frame of mind. Maybe focusing on other people’s problems at the clinic would at least get me out of my head for a little while.

  “You seem to be handling the change in the number of our sessions very well, Karina.”

  I’d never had an argument with my mouth before, so I was surprised by its sudden defiance. Whatever. Guess she wasn’t getting a smile from me this morning.

  Sinking into my comfy chair, I crossed my legs at the ankle. At least that part of my body cooperated.

  She looked as pleased to be in my office as I was to be in it at the moment. She sat cross-legged in her chair, resembling a bag of Skittles. Her hair hung sloppily in a ponytail, her red Star Wars T-shirt was creased and crumpled like she had just rolled out of bed, her purple shorts revealed way too much leg, and her orange sneakers were paired with green peds. What the hell? Taste the rainbow, my ass. She was a walking disaster, or in this case, a sitting one.

  “I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances. I started having nightmares again.”

  I could totally relate. “What about?”

  “That my stepfather found out where I live.”

  Patience. Take a deep breath.

  “Karina, your stepfather passed away years ago. We’ve talked about this.” Like three million times. “The dreams must represent some other fear, because his threat to you is no longer viable. Has anything been going on that might be causing you to feel an unusual amount of stress?” Ha. What a joke. Too bad it wasn’t my turn to share.

  “Leaving the halfway house.”

  “We’ve already spoken about that at considerable length as well. Rest assured we already have a plan of action set in place to help you with the transition when the time comes.” This topic was old news. We had discussed it to death.

  Unfortunately for Karina, it was obvious I had left my patience back at my apartment, because it was nowhere to be found. And now my foot got the brunt of my frustration. It took on a life of its own, moving around frantically on the floor in front of me.

  “Is there anything else on your mind that you’d like to discuss?” I had a thing or two on mine, both having to do with the same man.

  Breathe.

  I closed my eyes briefly to try and shut down my emotions. It didn’t help.

  “I let a guy fuck me.”

  My eyes flashed open in surprise. She didn’t give me anything to go on either. Her face was a blank slate. “Excuse me?”

  “I had sex. Do you need me to spell it out for you?”

  Testy, are we?

  One of us needed to be the adult here, and unfortunately, it had to be me. Maybe I should’ve stayed home and moped around in my apartment. Ugh, I couldn’t wait for my session later with Dr. Carmichael, my therapist. Boy, was she in for an earful.

  “Why’re you suddenly feeling defensive? All I did was ask you a question.” Reel in the sarcasm.

  So much for acting professional. I shifted in my seat. She really got to me today, as was everyone and everything around me.

  “I’m sorry. So, yeah, I had sex with a guy.” She looked beyond me.

  An eerie sensation shot through me. It was as if she felt she had cheated on me somehow. Someone else certainly did.

  Oh no. Not these thoughts again.

  Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.

  Shit. Center myself. Be here for her as her therapist instead of obsessing about my own stuff.

  “Is this guy someone you’re interested in having a relationship with?”

  “No. It was more for personal pleasure.” She raised an eyebrow.

  Another odd sensation swept through me. She sat and stared at me with her chin tucked ever so slightly, like she wanted me to feel jealous for some crazy reason. It was very odd.

  I crossed my arms in front of me, suddenly feeling extremely uncomfortable being alone with her. My gut feeling about Karina had me baffled. I didn’t understand what it was trying to tell me. Maybe the tension mounting in the room had something to do with it.

  “Does the man feel the same way?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “I thought we had both agreed it would be in your best interest to wait a while before getting involved with anyone.” I shifted in my seat again.

  “I decided against it.”

  Clearly, and your past decisions worked out so well for you. Stop judging, you’re here to help her.

  One… Two… Three…

  “What made you change your mind?”

  “Feeling horny.”

  “You know you can satisfy those desires without a partner. So I’m asking you again, what made you change your mind?” Maybe hitting her over the head with the bricks attached to my feet would knock some sense into her.

  “I craved the feeling of another person touching me.” Her eyes fixed on mine, barely blinking, which had me all but crossing all my limbs to shield my discomfort. “Is that a good-enough answer?” She pulled her knees up on the chair and wrapped her arms around them.

  At least she had on underwear. Not that I was checking her out, but her shorts were practically a G-string when she sat like that. Christ. This session was just going splendidly. I really needed to call it a day. I wasn’t thinking or behaving like myself.

  “This isn’t a test, Karina. When you first entered treatment here at the clinic, you spoke about wanting to give yourself time to heal without the distraction of a man or woman getting in the way.”

  “Fucking isn’t a distraction. A relationship’s a distraction.”

  Tell me about it. All I can think about is Noah.

  Don’t cry. Please don’t cry.

  It was too late. The tear had already fallen. Hopefully she didn’t notice it or me wiping it away.

  “Emotions are attached to sexual intercourse, no matter what the reason. All I’m doing is pointing out how hard you’ve been working to get to this point in your recovery from your past traumas and addiction. From what you’ve shared with me about your relationships, getting involved with a man might not be the best course of action for you to take at the present time.”

  “I just told you we aren’t romantically involved. It was purely a fuck.”

  Like Noah and the bimbo he participated in the scene with. They aren’t romantically involved. It was just fooling around, right?

  Oh man. It suddenly got exceptionally warm in my office. Sweat came out of every pore in my body. Let’s hear it for antiperspirant. Wow, I also felt a bit light-headed. What the hell was going on?

  I tugged my blouse above my shoulders to get some air inside. I also reached for my cup of water from the small table next to me and took a few sips, taking a breather to collect myself. Not that Karina cared. S
he was too busy twirling the dangling strand of hair that had fallen out of her ponytail to notice me falling apart at the seams in front of her.

  “Fine, in that case, I’m going to ask you to think about the choices you make and then ask yourself if you believe they’re in your best interest. You’ve only been in recovery for a short period of time. Please don’t forget that the decisions and choices you made in the past are what led you into treatment to begin with. My goal in therapy is certainly not to parent you. I won’t reprimand you if I don’t agree with the decisions you’re making, but I will point them out if I don’t think they’re what’s best for you. We’re on the same team. Don’t forget that, Karina.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “That’s all I’m asking you to do. If you choose to continue having relations with this man, then I want you to check in with yourself afterward. If there’s any shame or guilt attached, I want you to be aware of it. Is there anything else you would like to address before we conclude our session?”

  Please say no. I closed my eyes and prayed to my higher power.

  “No.”

  Thank you, God. I silently gave thanks.

  “I think I’ve shared enough for one day.”

  “Check in with yourself right now. How’re you feeling?”

  “Fucking pissed off. That’s how I’m feeling.”

  Join the party, sweetheart.

  It was my own fault for asking. I should’ve kicked my own ass at that point.

  “Why’re you feeling that way?”

  This session was never going to end. Oh look, the numbers on the clock just moved. Great. That meant it was time to wrap it up.

  “Because you tell me you don’t want to parent me, yet that’s exactly how I feel right now. I feel like I’m being scolded. I’m stuck living in a halfway house with a bunch of recovering addicts, half of whom are still using. Then I’m either at an N.A. meeting or here at the clinic. I need an outlet.”

  The white wall soothed me. I took a calming breath. It became difficult for me to continue on with this same song and dance. It was time to confront her.

  “Did drugs provide you with an outlet from your feelings?”

  She played with her untied shoelace and didn’t respond, nor did she tie it.

  “Food for thought. The only enemy in this room is the addict in your head.”

  And the one in mine who currently held a life-size cutout of Noah Dorian.

  “I’ll see you on Friday at group.”

  Her eyes went wide in surprise by my tone. Whatever. Shoot me for raising my voice.

  As soon as she left, I exited the building. I craved fresh outdoor air, my lungs in dire need of oxygen.

  After work, I drove to the university, pretty much counting the minutes until my session with my therapist.

  As I walked through the hallway to her office, I heard whimpering coming from Dr. Sloan’s. I peered inside the open door to find Casey crying on the couch.

  “Casey, what’s wrong?”

  “Hey Jordin, what’re you doing here?”

  I handed her a tissue from the small box resting on the table and sat next to her. “I have a session with Dr. Carmichael. What’s going on? Where’s your dad?” It wasn’t like Casey to break down like this. The pain in my heart was back with a vengeance, not that it’d left. I had been so self-absorbed all day that I didn’t even think to call my best friend to see why she went missing from class that morning, and now look at her.

  “He’s teaching a class.”

  “Then why’re you in here crying?”

  “I’m just feeling so frustrated and confused, so I came over here to speak with him. He should be finishing up with class shortly.” She pulled another tissue out of the box and blotted her eyes. On a positive note, at least she wasn’t wearing any makeup.

  “You know I’m always here for you if you need to talk.” I brushed the hair off her shoulder.

  “I know. Thanks.”

  She was so sad. It was heartbreaking to see her this way. She ripped her tissue into tiny little pieces on her lap. A bit gross, but I could totally empathize.

  “Okay. Well, you know how to get hold of me if you want to talk.” I rose from the couch. I hated leaving her like this, but I was going to be late for my meeting.

  While exiting the office, I bumped into Dr. Sloan.

  “Jordin, what’re you doing here? Casey? What’s going on?”

  Was he kidding me? Did he honestly think I would tell his little secret to his daughter in his office?

  “I was just leaving.” Jerk.

  I went to leave, but his voice stopped me.

  “How’s your dissertation coming along?”

  Did he not realize Casey was still crying on the couch? The couch he’d probably screwed Tammy and multiple others on a number of times already.

  “It’s going splendidly.” I made it a point to exaggerate the splendidly part, smiling proudly.

  “That’s great. I can’t wait to hear you present your findings at your oral defense.”

  Uh-uh. I wasn’t about to allow his threatening tone to intimidate me. My expression made that perfectly clear to him too. “I’m sure you can’t.” I couldn’t help it. He had asked for it. And the glare he gave me after hearing my reply was priceless.

  “Jordin!” Casey jumped off the couch and intervened.

  “I have to go to my meeting. Casey, if you need anything, please call me. It was good to see you, Dr. Sloan.” My insincerity was evident in my tone and body language.

  “You too, Jordin.” His smile seemed just as insincere. “I’m counting on you to shine at the peer review. I know how much you want the internship with the department.”

  How I wouldn’t have loved to burst his bubble. It took everything I had to bite my tongue.

  “That’s right. I do want the internship, and I’m working diligently in order to get it.”

  The light bulb suddenly turned on in my head. Noah was right. I did have the upper hand in this. What a fantastic revelation.

  “There’s some tough competition out there. Don’t get too high and mighty now,” he said snidely.

  “Me? Never. I believe in the old-fashioned way of getting ahead. I would never sell myself short or sell myself out for anything or anybody.”

  Yes! There was actually a bit of worry in his eyes, and he took a step back.

  That’s right, asshole. The ball is in my court now.

  “What’s going on with you two? Am I missing something?” Casey’s brow creased in confusion.

  “It appears Jordin’s dissertation on dominant behavior is having quite the impact on her typically restrained demeanor.”

  Be full of yourself all you want. In the end, you’re going down. I made sure he noticed the anger seething from my being.

  “Yes. You’re correct. I’m learning quite a lot about the lifestyle and about the people who engage in it. I’ll see you both later.”

  I turned on my heel and stormed out of his office, high-fiving myself inside. Dr. Sloan had picked the wrong day to mess with me. The more I suppressed my hurt feelings about Noah, the angrier I became in every encounter I was faced with.

  “Hi, Jordin.” Dr. Carmichael smiled happily, greeting me from behind her desk.

  I wanted to smack that grin right off her face. What a great session we were about to have.

  46

  Noah

  “We look forward to having you on board, Anthony.” I liked his firm grip and attitude. I could already tell he was a team player. “I’ll have Tasha give you all the proper forms to fill out.”

  “I’m looking forward to this opportunity. Thank you again.” He acknowledged me and my brothers. He rose from the conference table.

  Mitch led Anthony out of the office to get him set up with Tasha. Once my door was closed, Derek promptly hit me with an uppercut. “Have you heard from Jordin?”

  “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Mitch came back in an
d closed the door. He resumed his position in the chair on the opposite side of the conference table. “What am I missing?”

  “Jordin watched Noah’s scene with Giselle.”

  His mouth formed the letter O. “No shit.”

  “That’s what I said,” Derek informed.

  “What did she do?”

  The two of them carried on like I wasn’t even in the room.

  “She ran out of the club, and he hasn’t been able to get in touch with her since.”

  “Hello? Am I not sitting right here?” I held up my hand to get their attention, frustration fueling me.

  “Go see her.”

  Thanks, Mitch, because I hadn’t already thought about that.

  “Why? She won’t answer my calls. I’m not going to make a fool out of myself. No woman’s worth that.” I had to hold on to the last bit of pride I had left.

  “Fine, so I guess that one’s over and done with. I can always help her out if she needs any more assistance.” His offer sounded sincere. He smiled at my death stare.

  “Shut the fuck up, Mitch.”

  “Just bring her flowers or some shit and apologize. Girls love that kind of stuff.”

  I’m glad life was so easy for him.

  “But I didn’t do anything wrong. I was doing my job, which I must say I’m not too proud of at the moment.” Something I never thought I’d hear myself say.

  “Then tell her that.”

  I shook my head in disagreement. I’d tried calling her a hundred times, and she didn’t accept or return any of them. Enough said.

  A knock at my door had us all turn around. Christ. I couldn’t catch a break.

  “Hiya, boys, I’m glad you’re all in here.” Evie stepped inside, once again uninvited, and walked over to the conference table where she placed both hands on top of it. “I wanted to let you know that I’m officially giving you my two weeks’ notice.”

  Why was she only looking at me?

  “What? Why? I thought you were happy here? We’re more than happy with the work you do here.” Mitch always did have the sensitivity gene locked in.