Tortured Whispers

by Danielle James

  Nitroglycerin?

  I picked up another bottle and eyed it. Aspirin. Another bottle was for something I couldn’t pronounce. When the fuck did my dad start taking all those medicines?

  He was always fine. He never told me anything about doctor appointments or pills. My ribs turned to bands of cement. They refused to let my lungs fill with air.

  The water was back. I choked back a whimper and hurried to set the bottles up the way they were before. I was there to find Cease’s keys, not snoop. I picked up a medium-sized wooden box to look behind it and the top slid off.

  My chest tightened when I saw what was inside. Razors. I picked them up and cradled them in my palm. Dad stashed my razors in a box on his dresser. I thought he threw them away.

  Maybe he didn’t get a chance. I wet my lips with my tongue and tried to steady the erratic knock of my heart. My fingers shook as I inched my sleeve back. Water swallowed me. I could have called out for Cease. He would have come running. He would have pushed the water away.

  Instead, I pushed the sharp tip of the razor into my flesh and watched blood bead at the puncture.

  Fuck.

  It felt so good.

  I sighed softly and deepened the cut. My breathing came out in ragged puffs that made my shoulders tremble. My stomach quivered with the threat of being caught and the back of my neck prickled with nerves.

  I watched the blood roll down my wrist and collect in all the creases before I snapped my eyes shut. Smooth bliss fell over me. The moment was sweet like butterscotch.

  For a moment I was free. I wasn’t drowning.

  “Brook, you okay?” Cease’s deep voice was a siren signaling a flood of shame. With my ears on fire and my breathing labored, I stumbled into my dad’s bathroom.

  “Um, Y-Yeah. I’m okay!” I shouted over the rushing water. I stared at the way my blood diluted then ran quickly down the drain before I pressed a paper towel to the cut to stop the blood flow. I tore another paper towel from the roll and wrapped the razors inside before shoving them in my pocket.

  On the way out of my dad’s bedroom, I found Caesar’s keys on the nightstand and grabbed them. “Found them,” I said. I had to force a smile when I wanted to do the opposite. I wanted to crawl under a rock and die.

  I hadn’t cut since Cease started staying with us. I didn’t have to when he was around. I was weak staring at my razors though.

  Weak and stupid.

  The throb in my arm sank down to the bone. Each pulse was a reminder of my stupidity.

  Bile crept up the back of my throat threatening to exit my mouth. My fake smile was the only thing keeping me from falling to scraps. Caesar’s eyes pinned me to my spot. It was like he was looking right through to my truth and I hated it. How could one look from him paint me with regret? I should have never cut.

  It felt good though. It was such a relief. I tapped my lips with curled knuckles then pulled my sleeve between my lips. “What’s the matter?” Cease asked, his brows lowered on his forehead.

  “Nothing. Just ready to go.” I could taste the subtle metallic blooms from my cut when I nibbled on my sleeve and sick me liked it. I was so fucking weird.

  “Okay…let’s go beautiful,” Cease smiled at me even though I could tell he didn’t believe shit I said. I was too fucking strange for him to call me beautiful but dammit if it didn’t warm me to my toes.

  Sitting beside Caesar in his car made me giddy. For a while, it kept the shame and guilt of cutting at bay. I loved being around him. His presence meant the world to me.

  He obliged me and put on Hall and Oates while we drove and he even sang along with a couple songs. I used the opportunity to steal glances at him. His profile was so handsome.

  I wanted to reach out and touch the chocolate stubble scattered on his jaw. The urge was strong as fuck. I fisted my hands and rubbed my knuckles on my jeans turning my gaze away from him.

  So fucking sick, Brooklyn. He’s your uncle and you’re crushing on him hard as shit.

  There was nothing wrong with a crush though. I didn’t have to act on it. It could stay in my head like a secret.

  When we pulled up to the realtor’s office, Caesar helped me out of the car and put his huge hand on the small of my back as we walked. I felt it through my shirt and my hoodie. My skin blazed like fucking lava when he touched me there.

  “Dr. Powers, so nice to see you again.” When I saw the realtor with her shiny black heels and perfect clothes, I hated that I chose to wear a hoodie and jeans. I hated that my hair looked wild and not sleek like hers. I hated that she could wear short sleeves and show off her unscarred arms.

  I forced my stare to the floor and looked at my Converse as we walked along. Why did Cease always call me beautiful? Why? I caught a glimpse of my too skinny, too tall self as we walked past a window and I wanted to shrink and vanish.

  I wanted to be shiny and pretty like the realtor that Caesar smiled at.

  She flipped her long blonde hair over her shoulder before leaning over way too far to hand him a folder of papers. Her boobs were huge. I’m sure that’s what she was trying so desperately to get my uncle to notice. How could he not notice them? They were practically spilling out of her shirt.

  My heart sped up a bit and my palms felt damp.

  I wanted to run and hide somewhere.

  “Brook, you okay?” He asked, leaning over and speaking close to my ear.

  “Uh huh,” I nodded quickly and drummed my nails on the tabletop.

  “Aww, who’s this? You’re way too young to have a kid this age so she must be your niece, huh?” She beamed with a cheesy grin and looked at me.

  “Wow, yeah…how’d you guess?” Caesar chuckled.

  “I’m pretty good at figuring people out.” She let her eyes linger on him and I felt jealousy heat my entire face. The heat crept down to my neck and I turned my head so nobody could see me turning beet red.

  They held small talk for a while and the longer it went on, the more I fidgeted in my seat. I could feel the dull ache from my newest cut, and suddenly I remembered the razors in my pocket. I tugged on Cease’s hand and he stopped talking to lean over to me.

  “Bathwoom,” I whispered.

  “Okay, I’ll ask.” He rubbed the back of my hand and asked the pretty realtor where the bathroom was. I hated leaving him alone with her but it wasn’t like he had the same fucked up thoughts I did anyway.

  I was his niece.

  He called me beautiful because that’s what uncles did. I’d know that if I ever really had one. I’d know that if I wasn’t so fucking stupid.

  Ugh.

  I pulled the folded paper towel out of my pocket once I locked the bathroom door behind myself. The razors called out to me like a promise of peace. I needed that promise right then because I was starting to sink under the water.

  I sat on the edge of the sink and pulled in a deep breath that trembled on the way back out. I found a smooth patch of skin and quickly opened up a shallow cut. The pain bit at my sadness and pulled my focus away from drowning.

  Good pain…

  I didn’t have time for anything serious while my uncle was only feet away. My thighs clenched thinking about him.

  Uncle, Brooklyn. He’s your fucking uncle. Don’t be twisted.

  He was so beautiful though.

  Something pulsed deep inside of me and it was delicious but it was covered in sin. I blinked rapidly and rushed to clean up so I could get back to Cease. Even being in his space made me feel better.

  “Hey, Kiddo. Let’s go. You wanted to see the house, right?” He winked at me and I felt like I would actually combust. His eyes were perfection. I wanted to stop staring but I couldn’t. There was no way.

  “Yeah,” I squeaked. I looked around for Ms. Pretty Realtor but she was nowhere to be found. Can’t say I was complaining.

  “Why don’t we grab something to eat then head over to the house? I’m starving,” he groaned.

  “Me too,” I replied, still stealing glances
at him.

  Once we were in the car, I pressed my nails into the heels of my hands until my skin throbbed. I wanted to touch Cease so fucking bad it was eating me alive.

  “What happened to the realtor?” I asked, my throat dry and my words creaky.

  “Oh…she uh…she was a little too friendly. I had to tell her in a polite way that I wasn’t interested.” He shook his head at the memory and pulled away from the office. Meanwhile, irrational anger stormed around in my head like a tribe of giants making my temples ache.

  “Oh…” I muttered, sucking on my bottom lip

  “Never throw yourself at a man, Brook. You’re too fucking beautiful for that shit. Always make them come to you,” he told me.

  “What if I just want a kiss though?” I asked, my knees knocking from nerves. Did I seriously just ask him about kissing a guy? The only guy I wanted to kiss was sitting right beside me.

  God, what was wrong with me?

  Why was I like this?

  “Kiss?” Cease said the word like it was his first time hearing it. “Who do you want to kiss, Brook?” His voice grew deeper but instead of scaring me it forced my thighs to press against each other.

  “Nobody,” I lied. Cease cleared his throat and gripped the steering wheel tighter in his fist, making the cords in his forearms flex. Why did he have his sleeves rolled up like that? Was it normal for that to drive someone crazy?

  It was driving me in-fucking-sane.

  I squirmed a bit in my seat and stared at the soft dark hair on his arm, scattering down his wrist and just barely over his hand. Was there anything not wildly gorgeous about him?

  “Wanting to kiss a guy isn’t the same as throwing yourself at him. Making the first move isn’t the same thing. That’s taking charge.”

  “Oh,” I nodded, taking in his answer. I forced my eyes to stare out of the window at the passing trees and buildings so that I wouldn’t keep staring at my uncle like a twisted freak.

  When he pulled into a hole in the wall burger joint, my stomach rumbled. He let me order whatever I wanted once we were inside. I got a juicy burger with everything on it. Maybe chewing would help me not look at his lips when he spoke. Maybe if I focused on eating I wouldn’t melt when he smiled.

  We spent more than an hour sitting in a little booth with red vinyl seats and metal napkin dispensers talking about any and everything. I almost forgot we were supposed to be seeing his house. “Promise you’ll bwing me back here,” I demanded with a smile on my lips.

  “Whenever you want, Brook.” His arm was heavy around my shoulders but it was my center of gravity right then. It was the only thing pulling me down to Earth because whenever I was around Caesar, I floated.

  “So, are you ready to see Casa de Powers?”

  “I’m pretty sure that’s where I live now,” I joked.

  “Well…this is Casa de Powers 2.0,” he laughed, opening the door to his home. It was huge. Twice the size of my house. The foyer boasted gorgeous marble flooring and a golden and glass chandelier that gave off warm light as the sun set outside.

  “Wow,” I muttered, tilting my head back to look at it.

  “You haven’t even seen the place and you’re already wowing?” Cease tickled my side and a laugh popped out of my mouth. We walked into the kitchen and I slipped my hand in his. It was always so smooth and warm.

  “This is beautiful,” I whispered. Huge windows created a wall of glass behind the sink and gave an amazing view of his backyard. A thicket of trees created a dense line giving him privacy on all sides. I wanted to go outside and bury my toes in the blades of grass.

  “Do you have air yet? It’s so humid in here.” I heard my voice and smiled at the way my words came out without being jumbled. The progress made me dizzy with happiness. Cease caught on to it too and wrapped me in a hug.

  His strong arms around my slender frame felt good. They felt so good. How could something so pure and good make my body roar with desire?

  “I am so proud of how well you’re speaking lately, Brook. I try not to call attention to it but it’s fucking amazing,” he beamed

  “It’s because of you,” I told him, pressing the tip of my pointer finger against his hard chest.

  “Me? You had it in you all along. You just needed me to watch you blossom.” He smiled down at me while I was still safe in his arms. “Oh, and to answer your question, I haven’t had the heat and air turned on yet.” When he let me go, I pulled my black hoodie off and laid it on the counter.

  Something flashed in Caesar’s eyes when he looked at me. I didn’t know what it was but it made my nerve endings stand at attention like a wave a static shock washed over me.

  “You don’t have to hide behind hoodies and long sleeves around me. I like you the way you are. Scars and all.” He reached out and took my hand in his then he pulled my thumb out of its hole and rolled my sleeve back. I snatched my arm away but it was too late.

  He saw my fresh cut marks.

  There was no mistaking the look in his eyes.

  He was pissed.

  “Brook, why have you been cutting again?” He growled. Anger poured off him. His spine was straight like a ruler and his shoulders were stiff and unmoving. I shrank back, snatching my hoodie from the counter and holding it over my arms.

  Moments ago his touch melted me and now he looked like he hated me.

  I couldn’t handle Caesar hating me.

  It would surely kill me.

  “I-I was scawed. I don’t know. I’m sowwy, please don’t hate me, Cease,” I begged. Terrified tears dripped from my lashes.

  “Hate you?” His voice was a deep rumble. It sent chills across my shoulders that settled in, making me heavy. His long legs ate up the space between us as he approached me. His lips were pressed into a firm line. “I could never hate you, Brook. If anything I love you too fucking much.” His fingers yanked on my wrist until I was middle to middle with him.

  Feathers fluttered in my stomach and my temperature skyrocketed. Logic crumbled to dust when I was that close to him. “I hate seeing you so scared and sad,” he said, brushing hair behind my shoulder. His eyes studied mine and confusion crept in making the space between his brows crease and his stare narrow.

  Being so close to him made me irrational. My shaky breath matched my fingers. I slid them around the back of his neck and stood on my tip toes. In a burst of urgency and need, I pressed my lips to his. His long fingers slid through my hair and I moaned. It was a sound so soft it would have been missed if it weren’t dead quiet.

  Caesar’s hand turned to a fist in my hair and I felt pressure mounting between my thighs. He yanked back until our kiss was broken and looked at me with fire crackling in his eyes. The fire soon faded and he let his hand fall to his side.

  My stomach sank watching his mouth turn down in a grimace.

  Oh, god Brooklyn what the fuck did you do?

  Why?

  Why?

  Why?

  **

  Caesar…

  Brook’s shoes squeaked as she bolted out of the front doors. I stood in the kitchen of my new home silent except for the fierce knocking of my heart against my chest. When she kissed me my cock ached and the depraved animal inside of me reared its head.

  Fuck.

  I liked the kiss.

  It was the sweetest thing. A whisper of needy desire that melted against my lips. The things I wanted to do to her on that counter were fucked up. Even standing there thinking about it made my erection painful.

  I let out a growl and made a fist, slamming it against the granite countertop before a strained breath escaped me. My head was pounding as I took one step after the other toward the foyer. I focused on my car in the driveway while I locked the doors behind me without glancing once.

  Brook was sitting in the passenger seat with her knees pulled up to her chin, bawling. My chest was tight watching her in so much anguish. She was confused but she wasn’t there alone.

  I got in the car and started the engi
ne, yanking on the seatbelt to click it into place. “Please don’t tell Daddy,” she begged barely above a whisper.

  “I’m not telling him,” I grunted, throwing the car in drive. My arms ached from being so tense.

  “I’m sowwy,” she cried. A hiccup slipped out before she went into another fit of tears. I knew for a fact that this episode would send her into a cutting frenzy. I couldn’t keep driving in silence.

  What was I supposed to say?

  Should I tell her that I wanted the kiss as much as she did? Should I tell her that I saw the jealousy painting her aura in the realtor’s office but the only girl pretty enough to hold my attention was her?

  Fuck no.

  I couldn’t say that to her. Neither of us should have been feeling that way. It was wrong.

  I pulled over to a parking lot and stopped. I stared out of the window and scrubbed my forehead with the heel of my hand. “Brooklyn, you know I love you, right?” I asked, my voice ragged.

  “Not anymore,” she scoffed.

  “Still. Always. No matter what,” I snapped. “Why did you do that?” I begged her to tell me so that I could ease the confusion in my head. It was tearing me up inside, making me feel like lead.

  “I um…I don’t know. I’m fucking warped. My mind is sick, Cease,” she sniffled. I found the strength to look at her and my heart twisted.

  “You’re displacing your feelings, Brook. You feel happy for the first time in a long time and-and you’re attaching those feelings to me. I’m your uncle though,” I said more so for me than her.

  “I know,” she said sharply. “It won’t fucking happen again. It was stupid. I’m stupid. So…fucking stupid.” Her voice was thick with emotion that broke and gave way to tears.

  Anger filled me up from the inside, crowding my normal train of thought. I wanted to throw a punch at something to let the frustration out.

  “You’re not stupid. Stop saying that shit. There’s nothing wrong with you, Brooklyn. You’re perfect. You’re perfect even with the scars and anxiety. You’re perfect with your insecurities and quirks. You don’t see it but they make you so goddamn stunning it’s breathtaking.” I let out a pained laugh and drummed my restless fingers against the steering wheel.