“I landed a job at a family therapy practice but one of my stipulations was office hours. I made them around your school day. I’ll make sure I’m here to see you off and here when you get home.” Caesar’s voice cut through the fog in my brain. He found a job. That was great.
I couldn’t resist smiling when he smiled. “Thank you for doing that,” I said, holding his hands in mine. The fact that he would create an entire work schedule around my day made me feel warm inside.
I tried my best to give Caesar a squeeze but my hand wouldn’t grip his all the way. Suddenly, the burning feeling of shame and regret torched me. I put my hands in my lap and bounced my knee.
“Can we please try to keep the lines of communication open between us, Brook? I know things get hazy so I’m going to try my best to keep a clear line drawn even though I don’t want to. I know it’s what’s best.”
“I don’t like what’s best, Cease. I like being able to kiss you. I know we can’t do anything else but feeling your lips on mine and your hands in my hair and on my waist…” I shut my eyes, reliving the strong sensations Caesar gave me whenever we touched.
“You don’t think I love that too? I do. You taste so sweet.” When I opened my eyes, he was so close to my face. Close to my lips. I could smell the cinnamon from the candy or gum he had in his mouth. It warmed my tongue and I wanted a taste for myself.
While I slid my hands through his thick hair, he pulled me closer to him until I was in his lap. I’d felt his dick in my hands before so I knew how big it was but that wasn’t shit compared to being on top of it while it struggled against his pants and pressed against my pussy.
“Brook, if I keep kissing you like this something is going to happen and…”
“You’re going to fuck me,” I said in a throaty voice that shocked both me and Cease. I was tired of the back and forth between us though. I knew it would be fucked up from the world’s perspective. I knew it was forbidden and even illegal in the state of California, but I didn’t give a fuck.
I’d drop off the grid to be with him.
Realizing I loved him meant I’d do anything to have him. The thought startled me. I wasn’t used to having anything worth fighting for or protecting.
“Yes. I am. And once I do that…” He shook his head as if it spelled out doom for us and everything we knew.
“Nobody has to know,” I whispered against his lips. I cried out when his fingertips dug into my hips. His erection stabbed into me and I wished we didn’t have the barrier of our stupid clothes.
His hands slid under my shirt gliding over my bare skin right up to my bra. He paused and pushed out a long breath. “I know you don’t want to…” I swallowed the thick knot in my throat and locked my hazel eyes to his brown ones. “But can I…”
“You can do whatever you want, Brook. I don’t know what the fuck is happening to my sanity but sometimes I think if I don’t touch you or feel you touching me…I’ll lose my fucking mind.” His eyes were wild and when I lowered to the floor between his long legs, he groaned.
I’d given head and hand jobs before, I’d even had sex once or twice but I’d never handled anyone with a dick as big as Caesar’s. When I unzipped his pants, it popped out and bobbed up and down to the pulse of his heartbeat and my mouth fucking watered.
His curious eyes watched me between his legs so I had to do something. He was so rigid and I knew it would feel so good to finally wrap my mouth around him. I erased the distance between my lips and his dick and took him in my mouth.
The way he groaned when my tongue slid across the head of his dick made wetness pool in my panties. I loosened my jaws and inched down on his thick shaft. He was so warm, so smooth. I wanted to suck his cock forever.
“Fuck, Brook…” he hissed, gripping my hair and fucking my throat. I gagged a little and pulled back. My breath quickened when I saw how his dick glistened under the lights.
I wondered how he’d look coated in wetness from my pussy.
The thought had me easing Caesar back into my mouth until my saliva dripped down his impressive length and onto his balls. I craved him. I craved his flavor on my tongue. I wanted to know how his cum tasted.
I worked his dick faster between my lips, letting my tongue swirl around his head, pulling deep groans from him. His thigh muscles were tight with the need to release and his cock swelled even more in my mouth.
“Shit, Brooklyn...” His dick jerked once then my mouth filled with his seed. I swallowed every drop like I was dying of thirst. Finally, his muscles relaxed and his breathing returned to normal, so did mine. I licked the last splash of him from my lips and looked at him.
God, I thought I would burn beneath his gaze. My arms and legs felt bound and my feet made of lead. I expected for him to rush away like he did before but instead he spoke. “See, this is why it’s so dangerous for us to dance on the line, Brooklyn. Do you know how bad I want to press your body to the floor while I kiss every inch of you and dig my dick deep between your walls? I want to hear you moan my name because as much as you hate it, your voice is like water. It’s like rain and I’ve been going through a fucking drought these past three days without hearing it.
It’s killing me to keep my composure.” I watched the cords in his neck flex and found the bottom of my sleeve with my teeth. I was going to have an orgasm right there in front of him if he kept looking at me that way and talking like that.
“I can sleep in my room again,” I whispered.
“I want you beside me. I feel better knowing I can hold you and keep you safe.”
“From what?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.
“From yourself.” His answer struck me hard in the chest, rendering me silent. Suddenly I was self-conscious of the cuts on my arm like Caesar could see them through my sleeves. I nibbled and sucked on my sleeve faster.
“I’ll come in if I feel…the water,” I swallowed and looked away from him not wanting to divulge how often I’d drowned in the past three days. Cease nodded and I sat beside him on the couch while we talked about my first day of school.
I just knew falling asleep beside him later that night would result in more forbidden touching and teasing. I knew we’d slip further into the realm of taboo but he held me instead and as much as I burned to do more, the moment couldn’t have been more perfect.
**
San Marino High School was noisy. All the voices rushed together to form one long chorus of chaos. My head was pounding by the time I moved past the main office.
I pulled out the map of the school I’d printed out and glanced at it. I wanted to get to the alternative wing quickly so my nerves could settle down. I could already feel the water starting to slosh around in my head.
Walk past the main office and turn right, then another right. I could do that. Easy.
I rounded my shoulders as I moved past body after body. I hated the close proximity of everyone. Did they all have to be directly beside me? In front of me? Behind me?
I wanted to vanish. I wanted to run away. If my father were still alive, I wouldn’t have to deal with any of this shit.
Realizing I couldn’t go home to my dad after a long day of school hurt. I wanted to cry. My cheeks were hot and my throat was tight.
No, Brooklyn. Don’t cry. Not here. Not now.
I hated how fucking weak I was.
With my head down and the map tucked between my fingers, I steered myself down the hall nearest to the main office then I ran right into the back of someone. My head jerked up and I opened my mouth to apologize before the water made it impossible.
My face and neck heated as I blinked rapidly making the person’s face come into focus. “Holy shit, you go here now?” A smile curved her full lips as she looked at me with her arms folded.
Ashley Hartwell.
She’d gotten a little taller since ninth grade and her pixie cut was shoulder length now but everything else was the same. Her doe eyes and soft voice sent me off a steep cliff and headfirst into
murky waters.
“I-I-I’m sowwy,” I whispered. My belly roiled and I raced down the hall, gripping the strap of my book bag. Once I made it to my new class, I fell into a chair and balled my shaky fingers into fists. Well, my right hand still didn’t want to work all the way but it was as close to a fist as I could make it.
Why did I cut myself that deeply?
Why did I cut at all?
Why didn’t I bring a razor to school?
I needed to cut. I needed to feel the relief. I wanted the drowning to stop.
I rubbed my chest praying for the ability to massage oxygen into my lungs. Nothing happened though.
If I could just slip away to the bathroom and cut myself this would all be over. I wanted to give my new school a chance but I couldn’t. What was the point of my father moving me to Avery Briggs only to have it yanked away from me in senior year? It clearly didn’t matter what strides I made toward overcoming speech apraxia or trying to tackle anxiety and depression. I would always end up full circle and in the same place looking at the same faces.
“You must be Mrs. Powers, correct?” The teacher seemed nice enough. I nodded and handed her my packet of papers. I didn’t know what the fuck they were and I didn’t care.
I was drowning and the only thing I cared about was going home to find relief. I already knew nobody could see me drowning but it didn’t mean it wasn’t happening. My teacher kept speaking to me but I couldn’t hear much. The water garbled everything.
I sucked in small sips of air all day. Just enough to keep me from going completely under. It felt like I was breathing through a straw though.
At lunch, I sat near the open door, praying for a breeze to fill my lungs and inflate me like a sail. I sucked on my sleeve while my eyes darted around the crowded cafeteria. I was looking for Ashley.
I didn’t know what I would do if I actually saw her though. Would I punch her in the face for what happened in ninth grade? Would I curse her out and tell her to stay away from me the rest of the year?
No.
I wouldn’t even be able to get my mouth to open let alone get my brain and tongue to be on the same goddamn page. The back of my neck prickled with embarrassment. I was such a failure at every fucking thing.
Suddenly, my appetite was gone. I wasn’t really eating anyway, just picking at my food and trying to breathe. I stood to toss the leftovers and that’s when I saw her.
She was sitting near the back of the cafeteria surrounded by other kids who were all laughing and talking and eating. Nothing was wrong with their brains. Their words came out fine every time.
A boulder sank into the pit of my stomach and my knees turned to jelly. I just wanted friends. I wanted to be normal and sit in the back of the cafeteria laughing and talking without wondering when I’d fuck up an R word or trying desperately to find any word in my vocabulary that didn’t have an R.
I didn’t want to think about how worthless I was or how nobody cared about me. Well, nobody but Cease. He cared. He cared a hell of a lot and I cared about him too. I missed him.
“Move the fuck out of the way.” A guy walked past me and clipped my shoulder. Pain radiated down my arm as I clutched my bicep. A small cry escaped my mouth and I rushed out of the cafeteria.
I headed back to my classroom and sat down, still rubbing my chest and praying for air. Only one other kid was in class eating lunch and it made me wonder if I was that much of a social fuck up that I couldn’t even sit through the entire lunch period in the cafeteria like a normal person.
I wasn’t normal though.
Nothing about me was normal.
Once the last bell of the day sounded, I bolted to the parking lot desperate to get away from the thousands of people roaming San Marino High. Suddenly the inside of my car felt like a quiet sanctuary. My skull throbbed from the headache closing in making my scalp feel much too tight.
I threw my car in drive and sped out of the student parking lot like a crazy woman. I needed air. I needed to breathe.
The closer I got to Caesar’s house, the easier it became to breathe. When I stepped inside and his scent greeted me, I felt my lungs inflate. I was so grateful that the house smelled like him.
He wasn’t home yet but he sent me a text saying he was ten minutes away. That meant I had time to cut. The realization had me rushing to my bedroom and digging out my hidden razor.
I’d tucked it between the box spring and the bed frame in the tiniest of slivers. Once I got it out, I fell to the bed and rocked back and forth, anxious to feel the familiar pain and see the blood.
I yanked my sleeve up baring old and new cuts on my arm. I went to work quickly, digging the sharp razor into my arm to erase today’s events. I wanted to erase the memory of loud chaos, the memory of seeing Ashley Hartwell, and I wanted to erase the memory of the guy bumping me at lunch.
When blood rolled, I breathed. I breathed away the feeling of hopelessness and invisibility. I breathed away the fear and pain. I sniffled watching the pretty red slip and drip. I tilted my hand this way and that watching the show.
No tears fell from my eyes but I cried with the life force raining from my arm. It was the loudest cry I could conjure.
I opened another cut then another and they all cried simultaneously. When I heard Cease’s keys in the door, my heart smashed into the roof of my mouth. I scrambled into the bathroom and ran water to wash my bloody arm. The rush of water stung my skin and I winced, biting my bottom lip.
Once my arm was dry, I pulled my sleeve down and looked at myself in the mirror. “Brook, you in here?” I heard Caesar’s voice and noticed my eyes were brighter. More green than they’d been before. They were…pretty.
Caesar made me feel pretty. The realization made my mouth dry. A small smile danced on my lips as I yanked the hair tie from my messy ponytail.
My hair fell down wild and untamed. I raked my fingers through it even though my right hand was stiff and partially numb. Cease liked my hair down and I loved the look in his eyes when he thought I looked nice.
“I’m in here,” I called out. I rushed into the bedroom and gathered the razor I used to cut. I stashed it in its hiding place and flopped down on the bed.
“Hey, there she is,” he smiled. It was such a deep and satisfied smile that it made me wonder if he really did see beauty when he looked at me.
I leaped into his strong arms and they constricted around me like bands of metal. I needed his security right then. My eyes fell shut and I buried my nose in his shirt. His scent was intoxicating.
“Hi,” I sighed.
“Let’s hear it, Brook. How was your day?” Chills spread out over my arms when I felt him playing in my hair. He sat on the bed and I sat on his lap.
“It was bad. I hated every second. I’m probably making it out to be worse than it really was but…” my voice trailed off and I shrugged my shoulders.
“Don’t downplay your feelings, Brook. If you felt like it was awful then acknowledge that.”
“Okay…it was stressful,” I nodded.
“What was the most stressful part?” His strong fingertips slid up and down my spine offering more comfort.
“I saw Ashley Hartwell,” I told him. I brought my sleeve toward my mouth and sucked on it. Pangs of metallic blood melted on my tongue and sick me rejoiced.
“Wow…did she see you?” He asked, his brows furling together.
“I bumped right into her.” My lips dropped into a frown and the space between my brows creased. “I felt so stupid. My words came out wrong when I tried to apologize.” I chewed on my sleeve as my mind replayed the short interaction over and over. I was a prisoner in my own mind. “God, why the hell can’t I stop thinking about it? I feel insane sometimes,” I growled.
“Brook, breathe. You have to realize the interaction you had today was normal. You were in a school full of other students. You probably weren’t the only one to bump into someone.”
“Why did I have to bump into her though? Out of all the peo
ple in school.” My shoulders were stiff and so was my spine. It made me feel taller than I actually was.
“It was a random incident. Don’t give it any more fuel than necessary,” he replied, massaging the knots of tension from my shoulders and neck. “I have an idea and I want you to be open to it, okay?” Cease looked at me and I fell into his brown pools.
“Okay,” I agreed.
“I want you to start talking to a therapist. Dr. Hollows owns the new practice I work at. He’s an amazing doctor and he’s worked with teens who suffer from anxiety and depression. He’s also worked with people who self-harm.
I know you’re going to want to shoot me down at first but you have a lot on your plate. Your father passed, you’re living in a new home, and finishing your senior year in a new school. It would be helpful to sort through all those things with someone who can help you.” His finger slid down the bridge of my nose as he looked at me.
“You’re helping me.” My voice raised a few octaves as my heart sped up.
“I know but it helps even more if you have more than one person on your side, Brook. I’m talking to someone too. I have a session set up for tomorrow before work. There’s nothing wrong with it.” Cease placed a firm hand on my shaking leg to slow my bouncing knee.
I didn’t want to talk to a therapist but I knew Caesar had my best interest at heart. “I know you’re nervous but this guy is a good friend. I hand-picked him. I haven’t told him anything about you yet and I won’t until you agree to see him.”
“Will you be mad if I don’t?” I asked, my voice soft.
“No, not mad. If I’m being honest I’ll be frustrated though.”
I nodded, appreciative of his honesty. “I don’t think I’m worth helping, Cease. He won’t undewstand what I’m saying. He’ll think I’m stupid or annoying.” I shook my head trying to clear it of the nagging torment raging inside.
“No, he won’t and you’re not beyond help. You’re worth helping. You deserve help,” he smiled and his eyes crinkled a bit at the corners. Sincerity poured off him.
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