Tortured Whispers
Page 15
I didn’t get upset until I saw angry red scratch marks peeking from beneath her jacket sleeve. “What the fuck did you do, Brooklyn?” My voice swallowed the space around us as I put the car in drive. I had to do something to stop myself from yelling.
She wouldn’t answer me but I saw her lips trembling and I heard her sniffles. I prayed that she hadn’t done something stupid like cut herself again. “Did you cut?” I asked, nearly breaking the steering wheel.
“No,” she whispered. The free fall regression was heartbreaking. I sped home while beside me, Brook shrank more and more. She slipped deeper inside of her head and all I could hear were Ant’s words telling me that she would be fine if she could just get out of her head.
I whipped the car into the driveway and Brook stormed out, unlocking the doors and slamming them behind herself. I wanted to scream. She was upset and she was shutting down.
“Brooklyn,” I called out when I walked into the foyer. I found her in our room, peeling her denim jacket off and tossing it to the floor. She thrust her forearms in my face and with her teeth bared she let out the most painful growl of frustration. Deep red scratch marks marred her arms. She was a road map of anguish.
“I didn’t have anything to cut with so you know I did, Caesaw? I dug my fucking fingernails in and scwatched. I twied to draw blood. I wanted the pain. I needed it. Because I wealized I’m not normal. You need someone normal. I’m fucking your head up too.”
The quick thump of my pulse made me hyper-aware of how tense I was and how any little thing would cause me to snap and explode. “Brooklyn, you’re not fucking my head up.”
“Yes, I am!” Her voice came out a powerful shout. A cry for me to hear her. So I listened.
“Why do you think that? Haven’t I shown you from the beginning that it’s not just you?” I took a step toward her and she took one back. “I love you the same way you love me. It’s not right and people will think it’s fucked up but the entire world is fucked up and we’re not going to be the ones to throw it off its axis. Not by loving each other,” I told her.
“You need someone normal,” she said again. “I’m not. I’m fucked in the head. I’m tortuwed. I’m filled up, bursting at the seams with fucking sorrow cutting helps it bleed out.
You. You helped it vanish but I can’t have you. I don’t know why I thought I could.” Before I could speak, her phone chimed and she grabbed it, reading the text.
“Brook, please listen to me,” I begged, reaching for her hand. She snatched it away and picked the jean jacket up from the floor. “Where the hell are you going?”
“To a pawty. It’s Ashley’s biwthday.” She narrowed her hazel eyes at me because she already knew we were about to bump heads.
“No. Fuck no. You’re not going to a party in this fucking condition,” I boomed.
“Why not? You think I’m going to cut?”
“Yes! Of course I think you’re going to cut. You’re upset and we need to talk. You can’t run away from that.”
“Dr. Hollows says I need to have normal expewiences. I need to make fwiends and she’s my only goddamn fwiend.”
“I’m your friend Brooklyn. She doesn’t even fucking know you!”
“So what! Are you going to tell me I can’t go? Hmm? Uncle Caesaw?” Her words sliced through me unexpectedly as she pushed past.
“I’m asking you not to go. I’m not asking as your uncle, Brook. I’m asking as…”
“As what?” She asked, her lips pressed into a trembling line. I didn’t know what to say. Words escaped me. “Exactly. You know we can’t weally be together either. We need to accept it, wight?”
“No! That’s not what I’m saying. I just want to talk.” My voice softened as I tried to get her to calm down and have an actual discussion about our future. She didn’t want to hear it though.
“I’m going to Ashley’s. I’ll be back,” she said before slamming the door. The house was empty without her. I fisted my hands and stalked into the living room, crashing to the couch.
Maybe she was right.
Maybe we shouldn’t be together.
It was selfish to love her the way I did. It was selfish for my heart to bleed for her and want to keep her protected and close to me. It was selfish for me to think she was far too beautiful and too perfect for anyone else.
She completed me. We fit together but if we were ever going to be safe and normal we couldn’t be together. Safe and normal didn’t mean fucking your niece or falling insanely in love with her and everything about her.
I was sitting at home on a Friday night staring at a movie that I didn’t really want to watch because it made me feel closer to Brooklyn. It made me feel closer to Ant. Nostalgia washed over me and I played back the last memories I had of my big brother.
Family movie nights.
He’d murder me if he knew I was in love with his daughter. I had no doubts in my mind about it. He was gone though and the grief we experienced stitched Brook and me together in ways we would have never imagined.
My mind went to war with opposing thoughts until my chest started to ache. My focus shifted to Brooklyn as it always did. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted to explain to her that we needed to make some serious decisions and that meant evaluating our feelings.
I knew it would make her uncomfortable but nothing worth having ever lived inside of a comfort zone. Like she could hear me thinking about her, she sent me a text.
Brook: I hate arguing with you.
I stared at it, almost unable to believe my eyes. As pissed as she was when she stormed out, I didn’t think I would hear from her. Especially not while she was at the party. I wondered if she was okay. Was she hiding somewhere feeling uncomfortable or trapped?
Me: Yeah, it’s no walk in the park for me either, Kiddo.
Brook: Stop. I hate when you call me Kiddo.
Me: I know. But it makes you smile.
Brook: We can’t do this, Cease. Me and you. We can’t be a thing…
Me: We need to talk. Can I call you?
Brook: Sure. It’s a little loud though.
I tapped her name in my phone and pressed it to my ear. My heart sped up thinking about hearing her voice. “Hey, Cease…”
“What’s up, Brook? Can you come home so we can sit down face to face and talk about things?” I asked rubbing the back of my neck.
“I’m kinda busy…I’ll leave latew.” Her words slurred together and it sent up dozens of red flags.
“Brooklyn, have you been drinking?” I asked in a low growl and through clenched teeth. I heard her push out an annoyed breath on the other end.
“This is why I sent you a text, Cease. I don’t wanna be policed. I can dwink if I want to.” She slurred harder and my fucking blood boiled. She was somewhere with people I didn’t know…with people she didn’t even fucking know, and she was drunk.
“Hey, sexy. Come sit your pretty ass on my lap,” a deep voice chuckled on the other end.
“No thanks. I’m twying to talk on the phone,” Brook slurred.
“You’re twying? Oh shit. I bet that cute little lisp would sound amazing while I fucked you. Even better, I could shut you up with my cock.”
Veins bulged, pressing against my skin as I stood to my feet. “Brook, where the fuck is Ashley’s house?” I barked. She wouldn’t answer me because she was too busy fussing with the motherfucker talking to her like he didn’t value his front teeth. I’d gladly knock them out for him.
“Brooklyn!” I thundered, grabbing my keys. “Give me the address now.”
“I’m fine’ He’s just being...” Her phone ended the call.
Fuck that shit.
I wasn’t waiting for her to give me the address. I’d look up her location on the tracking app we both had on our phones. She could see me wherever I was and I could see her. Looked like she was in a neighborhood not too far from where we lived.
Finding Ashley’s house wasn’t hard. The cars lining the street and the drunken teenagers hang
ing out on the lawn were dead giveaways. My eyes honed in on Brook’s car like a goddamn magnifying glass.
A boy only a hair taller than her, in dark jeans and a white t-shirt, had her pinned against her car. He was smiling down at her while she was clearly pushing against his chest. There were a dozen other kids out there and nobody stepped in to tell that asshole to back the fuck up.
Well, he had a rude motherfucking awakening coming.
**
Brooklyn…
When I saw a massive six foot seven frame prowling toward my car from the side, I knew immediately. My mind knew, my body knew, my heart knew. They all sang together at once.
Caesar.
I tried my best to get the fuck away from the guy stalking me around Ashley’s party but he wasn’t taking no for an answer. He followed me around the house three times then out to my car. He kept insisting that my lisp needed his dick then it would be all cured.
Fuckboy.
I literally could not have rolled my eyes harder.
Cease stood right beside me, eclipsing the glow of the streetlight and forcing the fuckboy to look upward. His stupid legs stumbled backward and he looked like he would piss himself when he saw the fury on Caesar’s face.
“H-Hey, I-I’m sorry,” he stammered.
“Did you hurt her?” Cease asked taking one long stride forward. Fuckboy shook his head repeatedly, holding up his hands.
“N-N-No, I didn’t hurt her. I just thought she was cute.” I swore Cease’s stare would make the fuckboy combust and I was halfway looking forward to the spectacle.
I locked my arm with Caesar’s and tugged him toward my car. “I’m fine,” I said quietly.
“I don’t want to fight. I’m sorry,” Fuckboy sniffled. The second Cease turned toward me, Fuckboy darted toward Ashley’s house and out of sight.
“Brooklyn, let’s go. We’ll come back for your car in the morning.” He snagged my bicep in his steel grip and pulled me toward his car like I was a doll. I folded my arms once I was strapped into the passenger’s seat.
“You don’t need to have a fucking attitude. Who the hell was that guy?” He asked as we pulled off.
“I don’t know. Some guy fwom school.”
“He could have hurt you, Brook! Then I would have had to kill him.”
“Defending your niece. That’s honowable,” she scoffed.
“No. Not fucking defending my niece. Defending the woman I love. The woman I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
I sat quietly while he drove, fighting off tears. I didn’t want a promise dangled in front of me that I knew couldn’t happen. I’d been researching incest laws in the state of California and the outlook wasn’t good. It was illegal no matter how you presented it. No matter if it was consensual or if everyone was of legal age.
It was fucking illegal.
I couldn’t be with Cease. Not if I wanted him to lead a normal life. Not if I wanted to keep him out of jail. I loved him too much to be so selfish and reckless.
“Can we go inside now?” He asked once we were parked in the driveway. When the movement of the car stopped, the stars in the night sky seemed to spin wildly out of control.
I had too much to drink. My stomach bubbled and I felt every ounce of liquor trying to exit my body. It was like every organ inside of me was rejecting all the red solo cups of alcohol I’d forced upon them. I opened the car door and everything came spewing out.
“Holy shit, Brook,” Cease ran to my side and helped me out of the car.
“I’m gonna be sick again,” I said before dry heaving on the porch.
“Okay, give me a second,” he fumbled with the keys and once the doors opened, I bolted to the nearest bathroom and crashed to the floor in front of the toilet.
“See, you shouldn’t have been drinking,” he fussed as he held my hair back. “You need some ginger ale and crackers. I’ll get you some.” Even though I hated him fussing at me, I had to admit that him being there for me was nice. Him coming to my rescue like that was even better.
If I hadn’t been drunk, I would have been extremely turned on. He went full alpha and didn’t even have to say more than a fucking sentence. The fact that he was a chiseled skyscraper was enough.
Mine.
He was my chiseled skyscraper.
I couldn’t have him though. The thought made tears burn my eyes once I was done throwing up. I sat on the bathroom floor and wished for a razor to appear out of thin air. I wanted to feel physical pain and not the horrible emotions that wreaked havoc on my heart.
“Here, take small sips,” Cease said, handing me a ginger ale. The cold can felt so good against my hot hands. Instead of drinking it right away I just held it against my forehead.
“Wanna tell me what made you get drunk around a bunch of assholes that you don’t even know?” Cease asked, sitting on the edge of the bathtub. I let my eyes travel lazily up his long legs before shrugging my shoulders and taking a sip of soda.
“I was sad. I needed to wash the sadness away without drowning. They were passing awound liquor in cups and I took one then another and another until everything was fuzzy.”
“Brook, you can’t replace one vice with another. That’s not how healing works. That’s exactly why I didn’t want you running out of here like you did. When you’re upset you need to talk. Especially right now. You’re in a vulnerable place,” he fussed.
“No shit, Cease,” I scoffed. I pushed damp strands of hair away from my face and looked at him. My heart ached at how fine he was. How defined the angles of his face were. How dark the hair on his face was turning. I liked the fact that he was letting his beard grow in. He looked distinguished.
“You know, I did research on incest laws in California. There’s no scenario where we can be together and be fwee,” I told him.
“There are ways around everything, baby. Let’s get through your graduation first. Let me save money. Let’s make a plan,” he begged.
“I want to believe we can make a plan and make it happen but…how? How can I have you and not ruin your life in the pwocess?” My heart was starting to thud faster and faster. Thinking about fucking up everything Caesar worked for was making me dizzy with shame and guilt. Everything but regret.
I could never regret a love like the one I had with him.
“I need you to trust me. I’ve been thinking about this for a few days and I’m playing around with some ideas. I do know that we have to be careful. Ronnie suspects we’re together.” The revelation sounded like bombs falling from his lips. My eyes flitted over his face and I felt the need to vomit all over again.
I slammed the can of soda down on the edge of the sink and let all the contents of my stomach go into the toilet. Cease was at my side in an instant, holding my hair and rubbing my back in slow circles. As usual, he was there for me without me having to say a word.
“He…knows?” My voice wobbled.
“Yes. He knows but I refused to confirm. He’s not out to get us. His dissertation was written on GSA,” he said like I should know what he was talking about.
“What the hell is that?” I asked, sniffling.
“Genetic Sexual Attraction. It’s a syndrome. It exists outside of your run of the mill incest. It’s a special circumstance where relatives have been apart for an extended amount of time or when they’ve had no knowledge of each other, meet as adults or teenagers for the first time and have an attraction to each other.
Ronnie argued that the syndrome occurs because, when looking for a mate, our brains are hardwired to seek out faces that look similar to our own to denote trustworthiness.”
My ears burned at his words and I sat up a little straighter.
“So, like…we’re attracted to each other because we didn’t see each other while I was growing up?”
“Essentially. I saw you once when you were four.” He stared at the floor and pushed out a shaky breath. “He’s not a bad guy but still. I don’t want anyone meddling in what we have. It’s our r
efuge. I know Ronnie would try to help us understand our feelings but I’m not ready to share the feelings that I have for you yet. I don’t want them to be picked apart.” He brushed his knuckles against my cheek and I nuzzled against his touch immediately.
“I’d shout how much I love you from the fucking mountain tops but for once, I don’t want something so sacred analyzed down to the bones. I want to love you and that’s it.”
When he stopped talking, my bottom lip began to tremble. He loved me so much that it radiated off him. I never wanted to leave his side but I was terrified of anyone finding out. They would take him from me.
They would take us away from each other and it was clear that he needed me as much as I needed him. “I want us to lay low when we’re in public. No more fucking you the second you walk into my office. No more going out together for a while. Here at home, everything is fair game.”
“Y-You really want to try and work this out, Cease? What about getting arrested?” I quizzed. My stomach was churning and I prayed I didn’t throw up again. How the hell much liquor did I have left to get out anyway? It felt like my body was rejecting everything I’d eaten for the past eighteen years.
“Yes, I do. We’ll have to jump through some hoops but at this point, I can’t see living life without you.” He stood to his feet and held out his hand for me to grab on to. The walls seemed to buckle when I stood up. I needed to lie down.
Cease ran a warm shower for me and washed me from head to toe. When I got out, he handed me Tylenol then tossed one of the tank tops he bought at my head. I laughed a little before pulling it on.
I stared at my scars, shame churning deep and hot in my belly. “Stop it,” Cease warned.
“I hate them. I hate my scaws.” I dropped my hands to my side and climbed in bed beside Caesar. He spooned with me, warming my cool skin with his muscular arms.
“They’re a part of you now, Brook. You can’t wish them away because then you’d be wishing yourself away. They’re not perfect. They show the undisputed fact that you’re not perfect. That you’ve been through some shit with yourself. You’re going to come out on top though. Also, you don’t have any vertical scars and that is something to be proud of.” I watched his thumb skate over my scarred skin and nodded. He was right. I didn’t harm to kill I just harmed to…breathe.