A Place to Run

by Diane Adams

  "That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard," Lisa breathed.

  Alex closed his eyes and shook his head. She was a great friend, but sometimes her teenage girl just couldn't be repressed.

  "Whatever, it's worthless now." Alex felt oddly adrift. Jared had only been the focal point of his future for a little more than a year, but removing him blew everything apart.

  Lisa touched his knee and he looked at her.

  "Maybe not. There's this stupid saying. My mom had it on her computer screen, so it's not like the secret to world peace or anything, but I think… anyhow you probably heard it before. 'If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was'." Lisa shrugged, looking a little self-conscious about her effort to comfort him.

  Alex looked at the letter once more, smoothing it with gentle fingers. "He let me go." His voice little more than a whisper, Alex's touch on the paper turned into a caress. He could see the tortured look on Jared's face as he wrote it, his determination to do right, regardless of personal cost. He wanted Alex to grow up, to be sure, to fly. "Fuck him for always being right.” Alex’s voice broke, “Fuck him."

  Letting Go

  "I hate you," Alex whispered into the night, half hoping a stray current of air would pick up the words and carry them across the Atlantic from Paris to Jared, and pierce him to the heart. Tears leaked from the corners of Alex's eyes and ran down the side of his face into his pillow. Of course, the words weren't true, though sometimes, Alex wanted for them to be true more than anything. He thought if he could stop loving Jared, the pain would go away, and he was tired of hurting.

  Alex had tried Jared's way. After getting the letter, he put away his hopes for a future with his carpenter and focused on school. He dated. He tried everything. Young guys, older guys, even a couple really old guys, it didn't make any difference. His heart refused to entertain the idea of anyone else. He couldn't even rouse an interest in casual sex. Alex was positive that made him the most abnormal seventeen year old on the planet.

  He went to Paris, instead of home, for Christmas, in an effort to keep from facing the dual loss of his mother's affection and Jared. It didn't help much. France amazed him, but Alex wanted to share everything he saw with Jared. He was there with some of the art students from school. The architect turned professor Alex worked for had pulled a few strings so he could go. Alex had a separate agenda and worksheets to complete on everything he was supposed to see. It was more work than he did at school but he loved it. He would have loved it more if Jared could appreciate it with him.

  Earlier, Alex had visited the Eiffel Tower, for the fourth or fifth time since they arrived, in an effort to distract himself from the fact it was Christmas. He met a pretty French boy. Alex laughed at himself for thinking of the guy as a boy. Emile, the same age as Alex, had beautiful dark hair, huge brown eyes, and had the most kissable lips Alex ever saw. They ate dinner at a restaurant on the first level, then rode the elevator to the third. The view had to be the most incredible thing Alex had ever seen. So spectacular, it stole his breath and kept luring Alex back to the famous landmark.

  That night, Emile took advantage of Alex's distraction to steal a kiss. For a heartbeat, the magic of the moment transported Alex. He opened to Emile's questing tongue and pressed against him. Emile tasted of the wine they had with dinner and he knew how to kiss. His tongue tangled with Alex's, making his heart pound.

  Alex gasped, pressing close, but the shoulders he gripped were too narrow and when his hand sought Emile's hair, it curled around his fingers, the texture far coarser than the silk he was accustomed to. When their hips came together with no answering growl from the back of Emile's throat the magic of the moment was broken. Alex crashed, hard, back to reality. Every caress, every touch, the French accent that seemed so sexy at dinner, became nothing but a reminder of what he'd lost.

  Alex pulled away. "I can't." He stumbled back.

  Emile was stunned, caught off guard by the unexpected rejection. "Can't? American boys are stupid! You are stupid!"

  Alex winced and didn't argue. "Yeah, stupid is a good word for it. Sorry." His smile rueful, he turned away.

  The guy was gorgeous; a one-night stand wouldn't hurt anyone, but he left Emile alone at the top of the tower. Instead, he opted for the safety of his hotel room. Alex turned seventeen in Paris, but he wished he was in a tiny backyard under an old tree littered with lights. The world lay at his feet, and all he wanted was Jared. He spent the rest of his Christmas birthday alone, crying in the dark, but when morning dawned, he faced it.

  Jared wasn't the only one who could make decisions. Alex grinned and headed for the door. He needed moral support, and knew just where to get it. Alex couldn't wait to take Lisa to breakfast and share his newest plan with her.

  * * * *

  Determined to jumpstart his life, New Year's Eve found Jared at a local gay bar to celebrate. Jared rarely went to bars and looked around with mixed feelings. Music blasted so loud he couldn't string two thoughts together. The bass throbbed through his body, designed to get him moving, heat his blood. It just annoyed him. The tiny dance floor was packed with gyrating bodies. Some men danced with partners, some in a world of their own. There were plenty of guys his age, a number of of them hot. Jared reminded himself he'd come for that and took a long swig of beer. He needed a little backup courage. Coming to a bar with the hopes of meeting someone felt contrived.

  He really needed to change his life, but breaking out of his box wasn't easy. There were plenty of gay activities at the college, but Jared wanted to avoid anywhere he might run into Clark. Clark had barely spoken to him since the break up with Alex. Stevie had become a gentle buffer between them, and so far had kept any flare-ups from turning into something irreparable. Jared worried that seeing him with someone else might just be the last straw for Clark.

  Jared sighed and took another drink of his beer. He should try to meet someone, not sit there alone drinking and obsessing about his troubles with Clark. His jaw firmed. He could do this, regardless of the fact he'd rather be at home watching Iron Chef. A hand came to rest on Jared's shoulder and he felt warm breath in his ear. "Dance?" Jared bit back the "no" that sprang to his lips. He stood to face the guy behind him, leaving his beer on the table.

  "Sure." Jared forced a smile, but the guy didn't notice. He grinned, revealing a charming gap in his front teeth. He was as tall as Jared, though not as heavily muscled. His white blond hair was buzzed close to his head and he wore a white, tank style T-shirt with a pair of skinny jeans. Jared felt old and out of style in his usual attire of a dark T-shirt tucked into a pair of loose fit jeans. The guy ran his light blue eyes over his body and they lit with approval. He licked his lips and Jared tamped down his sudden desire to run for the front door. The guy grabbed his hand and Jared followed him out onto the floor.

  Two hours later Jared found himself at the guy's apartment. It was tiny and messy. Jared tried not to pay attention to the crap piled everywhere and focused on getting laid for the first time in two years. The guy tried to kiss him, but Jared turned his face and wet lips landed on his cheek instead.

  "Oh, no kissing? Not a problem." The guy laughed and dropped to his knees, his hands on Jared's zipper. He braced himself. Despite the fact he'd ended things with Alex, He couldn't banish the feeling he was letting Alex down, even cheating on him, by being there. Jared didn't know the guy's name, hadn't taken time to find out, suddenly it didn't matter. He had to get out. He didn't know what possessed him to think casual sex was his answer to missing Alex. The only place he wanted to be was home. Hot breath brushed his belly. Panicked, Jared backpedaled so fast he fell over a stack of DVDs and landed on his ass.

  The guy was on his knees with his dick in hand, and disbelief at Jared's sudden retreat written all over his face. Jared fumbled with the snap on his jeans in his haste to fasten them. He scrambled to his feet, face flaming. In seconds he bolted out the door, the lock clicking into place as he cl
osed it. He left without so much as an apology, without ever looking back.

  Safely back in his truck Jared clutched the steering wheel to keep his hands from shaking. He struggled to understand his feelings and figure out what just happened to him. He needed someone to talk to, and in that moment the pain of missing his father nearly broke him. Fighting tears, Jared leaned his forehead against his hands. After a long time he regained a measure of control. He pulled his phone out of his pocket.

  After a few rings a woman's sleepy voice answered. "Hello? Jared, are you okay?"

  He wanted to assure her he was fine, but realized that at two in the morning it would be impossible to convince her it was true. He didn't know what he was doing calling his mother at such an hour, but he really couldn't face going home alone.

  "Jared?"

  "Mama, can I come see you?"

  Heart to Heart

  Beth replaced her phone on the nightstand and slipped out of bed. It didn't matter what time it was, Jared needed her. She stepped into her slippers and pulled on her robe. She'd get his room ready and give him something to eat. It'd be okay. On her way to the bedroom door, she touched a picture standing on her dresser. The face looking back at her was older, and yet so much like Jared. Husband and son, so similar, sometimes she wondered if she had been involved in the conception at all. So many jokes about "mini me", but Jared truly was his father made over, in looks and temperament. Good, honest, strong men and so very, very hard on themselves.

  "We miss you," Beth whispered.

  Her husband's absence created a perpetual ache in her heart. "Our boy needs me, and I know you're keeping an eye on us. Help me know what to say." Beth kissed her fingertips and pressed them to the glass-covered cheek. She and Jared were close, but he and his dad had a relationship like she'd never seen before. Father and son, best friends, Jared idolized him. There were so many memories, some important and detailed, some little more than a moment. Like one night when Jared was twelve. He'd sat at the kitchen table doing homework while she fixed dinner.

  "Daddy's a good man."

  Beth had stopped stirring the soup to face her son. "He is. What brings this on?" She'd wiped her hands on her apron and walked over to stand beside Jared. So young, his reddish hair, growing darker as he got older, would soon match his father's. Straight and fine, with a slight wave at the ends, good hair that hung shaggy around his earnest young face. Beth remembered how she’d brushed it off his forehead. She’d been lucky he let her keep it cut out of his eyes, or the day would have come when she'd have to look for him under all that fine hair. Jared had shrugged. His shoulders were already broad, the hand that had gripped his pencil callused from work. No one had made him work. If his dad was working on a project at home, Jared had been there. He'd looked up at her, his blue eyes earnest.

  "Nothing. Barry's dad hit his mom." His confused expression hadn’t surprised Beth.

  "Your dad is a good man, but most men don't hit their wives," she had assured him.

  "I know. Barry's mom is little." He’d turned back to his paper. His innate sense of right and wrong offended not only by the fact a man had hit his wife, but the very idea of harming someone smaller and weaker. Jared's ideas of honesty, fairness, and self-respect were stringent, reinforced by his father's naturally high ideals. She had always worried Jared's expectations of himself would prove impossible to live up to.

  The sound of Jared's truck in the driveway as she set a skillet on the stove, brought Beth back to the present. Jared let himself in and she greeted him with a smile, though he looked terrible. Jared's eyes were red-rimmed from exhaustion and perhaps tears. His hair stood up every which way, proof he couldn't keep his hands out of it, a nervous habit from childhood that he'd mostly broken. He looked defeated. With a sigh, Beth took the pan off the stove. There'd be time enough to feed him later. She poured two cups of coffee, adding a touch of sugar to hers; sugar, milk, and chocolate to his. One small way Jared differed from his "I take it black" father.

  "Come on, baby." Beth handed him the warm cup and his big hands wrapped around it like she offered him a life line. Leading him to the sitting room, she tried to decide where to start. They settled onto the couch, turned towards one another, knees touching. Jared took a sip of his drink and set it on the coffee table.

  "No whipped cream?" he asked.

  The question brought a small smile to her face. She kept the bottle of chocolate syrup in the fridge for his unexpected visits, it lasted forever. Whipped cream was another matter.

  She pursed her lips at him. "Is that the reason for this visit?" she teased. "To berate me for my poorly stocked pantry?"

  Jared shook his head. He seemed lost. Setting aside her coffee, Beth covered his hand with her own. She looked at it for a moment, so small and plump against his strong, capable one.

  He turned his hand under her touch and gripped hers tightly. "Mama, I miss Daddy. I wish…" his voice broke. "I'm sorry."

  So much pain. "I know, honey, it's okay. I wish, too, every day. We still have each other. Can you talk to me about it?" She didn't push. Jared might just hug her hard, let her cook him breakfast and go on his way. It was difficult for him to share his emotions, with his father he never had to. Red got Jared, understood him on a fundamental level that amazed and awed her.

  When Jared had kissed Billy, a carpenter friend of the family, she’d felt her suspicions about him were confirmed and that it was time to talk to her husband about it. Red had been a good man, and fair, but she hadn’t been sure how he'd react to the news he had a gay son. She’d found him in the shop, building cabinets.

  He’d stopped work immediately when she came in; Red always had time for her. If he had been a character in a book, she'd have laughed and tossed the book away. Too perfect. Yet he had been the foundation of her life, as steadfast as bedrock.

  He’d pulled her onto his knee and kissed her cheek. "Why does my angel look so worried?"

  She’d touched his face, stubble rough under her fingers. Sometimes he forgot to shave for days. His beard had come in brighter red than his hair and accounted for his nickname.

  "It's Jared. He stopped going to Billy's. I called and, well, Red… Jared's gay."

  He’d kissed her lips, gentle with affection. "I know. I've been waiting for the rest of you to catch up. Are you upset about it?"

  Surprised, she’d stared at him. "No. I suspected."

  Hugging her hard, Red had set her on her feet and got up, picking up his hammer. "I figured you did. Billy told me what happened. I hoped Jared might open up to us about it, but it looks like we are going to have to talk to him."

  And they had. Beth had never seen anything like it. Red had treated Jared exactly the same, without a single instance to suggest to a young boy his father had anything but unconditional love for him.

  "There's no one like Dad."

  Pulled out of her memories, Beth's gaze followed Jared's to the picture of the three of them over the mantle, the last one they’d had taken professionally. Jared beside his father, she stood in front of them, they each had a hand on her shoulders.

  She squeezed Jared's hand. "What's going on?"

  Jared hesitated, biting his lip. His eyes met hers briefly, then his gaze dropped. "Something's wrong with me, Mama. I don't have any friends my age. I miss Alex. Clark's mad all the time. I can't even have a decent night out."

  Jared broke and Beth gathered him into her arms. She caught the scent of alcohol which explained a few things. Avoiding the pile of poor me's waiting at the bottom of the bottle, had been the reason Red never drank. Apparently his son shouldn't either. Beth held him as she sorted her thoughts. Jared was finally inviting her help and she didn't intend to waste the opportunity.

  "Jared, how old are you?"

  He sat up sniffling, looking wary. He accepted the tissue she gave him and blew his nose. "You know that."

  Beth patted his knee. "Humor me."

  Jared wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Twenty-one.
"

  "Twenty-one. You don't have any friends?"

  "I have friends, it's just. They're kids, Mom. It's not normal."

  Beth couldn't stifle her laugh. "Jared, honey, you are only four or five years older than your friends. It's perfectly normal. What's not quite normal is the way you get this picture in your head of how things should be and try to make it real. Do you remember how hard it was for you to accept you were gay?"

  Jared blushed and ducked his head. "I didn't want to be gay. I thought if I was gay I couldn't be a construction worker."

  "And that was because you have this ideal of what it meant to be gay. Of how you should be if you were gay."

  "I thought I had to be a hair dresser or a fashion designer or something."

  "What did your daddy tell you?"

  "I never have to be anything but me. Being gay is only a piece of the puzzle that makes me a person. The pieces were all there, but I had to figure out how they fit together. He took me back to visit Billy."

  "Who was?"

  "Dad's best friend."

  "And?"

  "Gay."

  "And?"

  "A construction worker. Mom, this is not the same thing."

  Beth took a drink of her cool coffee and made a face. "Isn't it, Jared? You have another idea stuck in your head. 'I'm supposed to have these kinds of friends. I'm supposed to go here and act this way.' When the truth is, there is nothing at all wrong with your life. What happened with Alex?"

  It took him so long to answer, Beth thought he might not. One hand clenched into a fist. "I broke up with him. His mother rejected him for being gay. Alex can't change what he is, but he's going to have to make a choice. It has to be a decision between his life and her. It cannot be a decision between me and her. I did the right thing, but I miss him so much." He fought back tears. "I have to move on, get my life back. I figured I'd go out for New Year's, and just have some fun. I failed. I can't stop thinking about Alex. I can't even get laid." Jared's eyes widened with shock and he turned beet red. "Oh, God, Mom I'm sorry. I'm sorry."