Tom vs the Volcano God

by Marilyn Foxworthy

  Dee aid, “Sign me up! I didn’t know what to do about birth control, so get me one right away. Does it start to work immediately?”

  Alice said, “Within an hour.”

  Dee said, “Then get me one. Tonight.”

  Sally and Ashley laughed, but agreed that they too would welcome the implant.

  When we arrived at the resort, Alice told us that we could leave our bags in the car and get them after dinner. The three girls and I walked through the entry area and down the escalator, and then down to the pool. The beach side cafe was just to the right of the hotel, on the sidewalk that we had taken to the shops earlier in the day. It was early, and the place wasn’t crowded, even though it was a Friday night. The whole resort was pretty empty. I asked the desk later, and they told me that they were only about forty percent full at that time. We were seated at a table right at the front, overlooking the beach. The food was good. The night was pleasant. We were happy.

  There was a little talk about the non-organics, but not much. The girls accepted it as easily as I did. It came out during the discussion that I had a private pilot’s license but hadn’t flow for several years. The girls were excited that we had that in common. Of course, their licenses and training were much more extensive than mine, but at least I understood what they did and how air traffic control worked, and the rudiments of flight planning and weather.

  We talked for a while about what life would be like from now on. We really didn’t know much, but we made guesses about what Robby might have us do for him in our new jobs. He had said that I could retire if I wanted to, but I didn’t want that at all. I wanted to make a difference. My job as a software engineer was OK, but we built big machines that I really didn’t care anything about. In my younger days, my jobs had more of a sense of a mission. I wanted that again.

  The girls were beautiful, sitting there at the side of the ocean, drinking tea and eating a light dinner. They were dressed in fairly sexy attire, but they showed less skin than a number of the beach goers that walked past us. Dee had her wrap around her hips, and it went to her knees. Of course, she wasn’t wearing panties, and her butt was amazing, and now and then the wrap opened at the side of her leg and showed a pretty thigh, but that was fine. The black bikini top didn’t have straps, and her breasts were large and round, but again, she didn’t look out of place for a beach resort. She was noticeably more beautiful and certainly sexier than most of the other diners, but someone had to be. It just happened to be her and the other girls at my table. Ashley and Sally’s skirts stopped half way to their knees, but several other women in the place had skirts at least as short, and some even shorter. For those two though, the tops were the topper. Even though the soft crop tops they wore covered more skin than Dee’s bandeau, the way that they draped over their breasts, and didn’t gather again below them, made you wonder what was underneath those curtains. Of course, I knew. If they stood above me at all, I would be able to clearly see the undersides of their naked breasts. And a breeze from the right direction might blow both the tops and the skirts up to show a bit too much. It wasn’t breezy right now, but maybe if we were alone on the beach later the wind would pick up. I could hope so, anyway.

  None of us were much for drinking alcohol. It was iced tea, water, or some kind of juice for all of us. I was glad of that. There was really a huge amount that I didn’t know about the girls yet. Well, there was a lot that we hadn’t talked about or experienced yet; I felt like I knew them as if we had been together for our entire lives.

  As we were finishing dinner, I called Alice to tell her that we were ready to go wherever she had planned for us next. The girls and I discussed a walk on the beach, or even a swim, but decided against it for now. Alice had something in mind, and I think we all wanted to find out what it was.

  When Alice asked about what was left in the hotel room, the girls looked at each other and said, “A hair brush.” Apparently, we had all of our clothes with us and the girls had gotten rid of everything else before I arrived that morning.

  Alice told us to go back to where the car would pick us up and that she would take us for a drive. Ten minutes later, we were in the car and headed out through town to the highway. Alice encouraged us to lean our seats back and relax. The bench seat also reclined, and footrests folded out from underneath. As I leaned back, I noticed the big sun roof above my head and asked Alice if she could open it and we rode along and relaxed.

  Alice whispered, “You’re going like this,” and a very quiet music began to play.

  Chapter 24 - Castaway

  I started coughing. There was salt water in my mouth. And I was swallowing it and trying to cough it up. I rolled onto my front and pulled myself to my hands and knees and coughed until I caught my breath. Where was I? The last thing I remember, I had been riding along in the car with the girls. Now, I was at the edge of a beach, at the water’s edge with low waves washing over me. I was on my hands and knees in the sand. And I was naked.

  I crawled up the beach a little, away from the water and lay down on my back to catch my breath a bit more. It was daylight. It was early in the morning. Maybe eight o’clock. Where was I? Maybe this was a dream. No, I was coughing up salt water. This was no dream. Maybe yesterday was a dream. I had been on a plane with Sarah and one of the pilots had said something about crashing the plane into the ocean. Maybe they had, and I had washed up here, and we had never made it to Kauai at all.

  Suddenly, a shadow passed across my face and I hurriedly tilted my head back to see what was causing it. To my great shock and surprise, what I saw was a beautiful pair of legs, and above that a pretty female uncovered crotch, and above that a tiny skirt that was more of a belt with leaves attached than any kind of clothing. I jumped to sit up and face the legs, and to see what was attached to them. What was attached was a pair of shapely hips, a toned stomach, a pair of very shapely breasts, and a girl’s head with jet black hair. Aside from the belt with leaves, she wore nothing at all. In her hand was a decorated walking staff.

  As I sat there, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, she stood still in front of me, silent. Maybe there was something wrong with my perception, because of a concussion or something, but as I sat on the ground, it looked like her head was just a few inches higher than mine, even though she was standing up. I looked again. Was she a child? No, not with those breasts, she wasn’t. They were really wonderfully shaped, but enormous. Well, enormous for a woman about three feet tall. They weren’t at all too big to be attractive. I couldn’t help but stare at her. For a lot of reasons.

  Finally, she waved her stick at me and said, “Ungala gungala!”

  I said, “What?”

  She repeated, “Ungala gungala! Ungala dun gungala!” and she waved her stick at me again.

  I stood up, and yes, she was only as tall as my waist. She wasn’t a dwarf, or even a midget. She was perfectly proportioned, just really small.

  Again, she said, “Gungala! Ungala dungala mung bungala!” and pointed down the beach with her walking staff.

  I said, “We should go that way? OK.”

  She started walking and encouraged me by signs to walk beside her. I saw that there was a set of footprints that had come from the direction that were now headed, so presumably the woman had come from that direction, found me, and now was taking me back somewhere.

  We walked to the far end of the beach, about a quarter of a mile down, and she stopped. She drew a circle in the sand and seemed to tell me to stand in it.

  She said, “Ungala hungala, ting tong gimme gimme ding dong.”

  I just stared incomprehensibly, and she said, “Ting tang walla walla bing bang!”

  She pointed at my penis and said, “Ding dong wanna wanna play long!”

  Then she told me that I had to stay in the circle, and she ran toward the jungle beyond the beach. A second later, she returned and handed me a thong of leather with two squares attached. She thrust it at me, and I took it from her, but didn’t know what t
o do.

  She looked exasperated and took the thing back from me and put it around my waist with the squares of leather at my sides and tied the thong in the front.

  She reached out and took hold of my penis and looked up at me and said, “Long long ding dong dum dum.”

  Then she pulled the belt around so that one flap hung in front of me, and the other in back. The one in front was just barely long enough to hide my genitals, and the one in back wasn’t even close to being long enough to cover my butt.

  My um, captor, stood beside me and told me to face the jungle.

  She took hold of my left hand and then gave a yell, saying “Ungala bungala ooh eee ooh ah ah!”

  I heard a rustling, and several people walked out of the jungle and came in the direction of where we were standing. These were at least normal size humans and wore slightly more clothing than my tiny captor. As they approached, I could see eight women, and one man. Oh, for Pete’s sake! It was Robby! And Honey and Alice and the rest, and Sarah, and a few that I didn’t recognize. They were all dressed as some kind of Polynesian jungle dwellers. The ladies all had flowers in their hair and at least two of them were wearing coconut shell bikinis. They all had grass skirts, incredibly short, but at least longer than the nothing that the little one wore.

  They smiled and lined up in front of me.

  Before I could speak, the little one called out loudly, “Ting tang walla walla bing bang!” and the others repeated it back enthusiastically.

  Then she yelled “Ungala gungala!” and they responded, “Ungala dungala woo!” and shook their hands in the air and then fell to the ground on their faces; all except for one of the ones that I didn’t recognize.

  That one stepped forward and stood on my right and said, reverently, “Woo un fun be dun.”

  The others stood and whispered, “Woo un fun.”

  The one on my right, the witch doctor or something I guessed, said, “The day has come!”

  The others said, “The day of The Big Woo!”

  The woman said, “Long have our peoples waited. Many moons have passed since the formation of the tribe of the woodland fairies who found their king across the great water. Many moons have passed since the tribe of woodland elves joined with us as one kingdom. Today is like that day. A hero has come.”

  The others chanted, “A hero has come for woo!”

  The witchdoctor said, “There is another tribe, like us, but separate, and they need a hero. Our hero was the great Robby. He cannot be their hero, for they are different than we are, and the ways of mating are incompatible between their kind and ours. A new hero is required. Our hero cannot mate with their kind. And their hero cannot mate with our kind.”

  The crowd sounded sad and said, “The Woo is unhappy. Ungala dungala.”

  She said, “But there is hope. Hope for those who are like us but separate. We are Woodland Fairies and Woodland Elves. These are Jungle Fairies and Jungle Elves. And there is proof that the mating of the Jungle Elf with him is a happy one. Come forward sister!”

  Sarah stepped forward and knelt in front of me and bowed her head and said, “Fun ding dong fun fun.”

  The woman said, “You see? She says it. The new hero has the fun fun ding dong. Hero, I am the Cupcake. She of the raspberries that burn with fire. I am the priestess of the woods, I cannot be your guide. I can only be your storyteller. Sister, tell us the name of your hero.”

  Sarah said, “I am Roxie, first elf of the Jungle Women. The one we hope is our chosen is Tom Tom. He of the magnificent ding dong.”

  Cupcake said, “Tom Tom, if you pass the tests, you will be King Tom Tom of the Ding Dong for all Jungle Fairies and Elves forever. Or until they kill you, whichever comes first. You signed damage waivers already, so you know, what happens isn’t my fault. Anyway, there’s these tests, naturally. You have until sundown. First is the test of bravery. Who has the tool for implanting the implant?”

  Honey stepped forward, carrying a piece of bamboo with another piece, about a quarter of an inch wide and eight inches long sticking out the front and sharpened to a wicked point.

  Honey said, “This might sting a bit,” and started to point the thing at my thigh.

  I spoke for the first time and took a step away and held out my hand and said, “Whoa, hang on a second!”

  Honey stopped and Cupcake said, “Good. The hero passes the test for ultimate stupidity by refusing to be poked with a pointed stick. The first test is completed.” Then to me she said, “We poked you with a sharp stick while you were asleep, before we dumped you on the beach. Your implant is working fine.”

  She continued, “The remaining tests may be more taxing. You have only until sundown. And some tests must be completed long before that. Three of the Jungle Fairies have been taken captive and will be sacrificed to the Unfun Woo unless you rescue them in time.”

  I said, “What’s a Woo?”

  The crowd fell on their faces again and chanted “Unfun Woo. Unfun Woo.”

  Cupcake said, “The Unfun Woo is a volcano god. Unpleasant chap. Smells awful. Swallows virgins, and not in the good way. Really doesn’t care if they’re virgins or not. The definition is pretty loose in that regard. Anyway, Jungle Fairies, terrible peril, big dangers, risk of drowning, quicksand, invisible voodoo balloon mice, all the standard stuff. But you have to rescue them to be declared their true king. But whatever you do, make absolutely sure that under no circumstances are you late.”

  I said, “Late for what?”

  Cupcake said, “Late. You know, late. Roxie would miss you. I don’t really know you, so it’s no big deal to me one way or another, but they say that they really want you to be King Tom Tom, not quote, The Late King Tom Tom. Like dead, you know. Late. Somebody get that pointed stick again. The first test for stupidity might have been a fluke.”

  I said quickly, “No, that’s OK. I get it.”

  She said, “Now, we have some things for you. Kneel.”

  Sarah handed Cupcake a small leather bag. Cupcake emptied the contents into her hand. She told me to kneel and handed something to the little woman, who I now assumed to be one of Robby’s elves. The little one put the thing in her mouth for a second and then pulled it back out. She grabbed my head forcefully and I felt something slimy shoved into my left ear!

  I said, “What was that!”

  Sarah smiled and said, “Ear-fish.”

  I looked at the little one and said, “Did you have to lick it?”

  She shrugged and said, “Sum dum dum did.”

  Sarah said, “She said that you could have licked it, but since you didn’t. She licked it for you.”

  I said, “Was it really necessary to lick it at all?”

  Sarah said, “Well, not to get it in your ear, but it wouldn’t have felt nearly as funny if no one had licked it. Do you want us to not lick things from now on? It won’t be as much fun.”

  Cupcake said, “And these are rings of tribal affinity. There is one for each one of the Jungle Princesses. If you bring back all three of them, wearing these rings, then you will be Tom Tom and wear a ring like theirs upon your return. If you don’t rescue all three of them, we have to get yours remade with fewer stones. It’s a hassle and there’s a bit of paperwork and requisition forms and public debates and stuff. So, don’t screw it up.”

  The crowded said enthusiastically, “Don’t screw it up! Don’t screw it up! Don’t be late! We would miss you!”

  Cupcake said, “Now, the elf Roxie has been rescued and has brought you here. She is in no peril, so she will not accompany you on your quest. The little one will go with you.”

  I stood and waited, but she went silent and no one moved. We waited for over a minute.

  Finally, Cupcake said, “Um, we’re done here. You can go. We’re probably going to go have brunch, but it would be rude to just walk away.”

  I just looked at her, and after another minute, she said, “Um, somebody get the pointed stick.”

  The little elf tugged at my
hand and said in exasperation, “Ungala sum,” and pointed back down the beach.

  I looked around and took a step in the direction she had indicated, and she started walking beside me.

  I heard Robby yell, “Have fun storming the castle, Tommy.”

  I turned to say something, but they were all headed back into the jungle again. I stopped and just watched until they were gone. They didn’t look back.

  I looked down at the little elf and said in exasperation, “Who are you? Do you speak English?”

  She grinned and said, “I’m Pixie, I picked you. Now I get to help you and be with you and do laundry and make you orange soda and play man-banana games with you and you can call me Pixie, because I picked you.”

  I said, a bit less exasperated this time, “Pixie. Oh, hello. Pixie, what do you mean, you picked me?”

  She held my hand and said, “Of all the heroes that we had to be our king of the jungle, I picked you. It was easy because you were the only one, but you’re the one I picked and it was the right choice, so now I’m Pixie. I can brush your teeth. I never did it before, but I can do it for you. It’s really important. Do you know all about me?”

  She started leading me down the beach, and I said, “Well, I don’t know. Alice told me a little bit about elves. I guess we have to get to know each other.”

  She said, “Do you think I’m pretty?”

  I said, “Pixie, you’re really pretty.”

  She said, “That’s good. That will be easier. Do you like elf girls like me? You like Sarah. But she’s a big girl elf. I’m a pocket elf. Do you like pocket elves like me?”

  I said, “You seem wonderful. I think I like you very much. I never met a pocket elf before.”