by Maddie Wade
“Ah, there we are! The little one was hiding. Let’s look at you.” My eyes flood with tears and I look to Cherry who also has tears in her eyes. Her smile is as wide as mine. My glance flits back to the screen and I watch with rapt attention as Dr. O’Connor points out a tiny head and body.
“Baby has a nice strong heartbeat, I’m just going to take a few measurements and I can give you your due date.”
I lie there in rapt attention, my eyes glued to the screen watching my baby as he, I’m sure it’s a he, wriggles and turns. It’s so strange watching something, knowing it is moving inside you but not being able to feel it.
“Look Lex your little blob is waving,” Cherry murmurs and I can hear the awe in her voice.
“I know.” A feeling of love rushes through me that is so overwhelming I don’t know what to do with it. It fills my entire body. I know that I have never felt anything like it before, my instinct to protect this child is so fierce it’s almost comical.
“Baby measures at ten weeks, so you are due on the June twenty-eight.” He smiles as he tells me. That is exactly right, I know the date my baby was conceived.
“Would you like a picture?” he asks.
“Yes please.”
“Two. I want a picture too,” Cherry says. She is practically bouncing with excitement.
Dr. O’Connor prints off three pictures and hands them to me once I’m dressed.
“I would like to see you again at sixteen weeks and then again at twenty weeks for a scan. I don’t foresee any problems, you are in perfect health and baby is strong and healthy, but because of your history, we will keep an eye you. This is a prescription for pre-natal vitamins. No drinking alcohol, exercise as normal, but avoid anything contact sports like football or horse riding.”
“What about eating? I’m quite nauseous,” I ask.
“Just try and eat a little and often. Avoid fried foods if possible, but generally, I advise to eat what you can tolerate. Hydration is key so lots of fluids. Any problems call me.”
I stand and shake hands, folding my notes into my bag. “Thank you, Dr. O’Connor.” I can hardly explain the joy I’m feeling at this moment.
“No problem, Mrs. Crane.” He smiles a big smile and I can see the genuine joy he gets from his job.
The rest of the day is a blur of excitement, I try to concentrate on a design for a chair I’m making for a client, but I keep drawing nursery designs. Cherry is as bad as me. You would think she was the pregnant one with the number of fabric swatches she has ordered with cute nursery designs. Now it was the end of the day and I needed to tell Dean, partly because it wasn’t fair to keep him in the dark, but partly because I didn’t want to mar this pregnancy with worrying about telling him. I would bite the bullet and tell him tonight.
Somehow!
Chapter Fifteen
Lexi
As I let myself in with my key, the first thing I notice is the smell of garlic, in the past, this was not unusual, but I haven’t come home to the smell of cooking for over two years. Even before the stroke, Dean had been too busy working to start dinner, and after, well it hadn’t been possible.
My stomach rebelled at the strong scent and I swallowed it down trying to breathe through my mouth. Following the sound of music, I found Dean in the kitchen. He smiled when he saw me, and the genuine pleasure was a shock, it had been a long time since I had seen that directed at me. It felt a little unnerving.
“Hey,” I say as I stepped up to the counter to peer into the pot he was stirring. He was making my favorite—seafood linguine. I didn’t know what to say, I couldn’t eat seafood, as certain ones were a no-go when pregnant. I smiled and grabbed myself a sparkling water from the fridge. Trying to figure out what to say to him, all the while swallowing down nausea.
“I got your favorite wine delivered today,” he said and reached for two glasses. What the heck was going on? Why was he acting like this? We had taken to eating separately the last few weeks and I preferred it that way. It would be too easy to slip back into the routine of looking after him again and I was not going to let that happen. I needed the space and it had been working but this had come out of left field. It made me feel off kilter and I didn’t like it.
“What's the occasion?” I asked cautiously knowing that I would need to address my pregnancy sooner rather than later.
“No reason. Can’t a man do something nice for his wife after a hard day at work?”
I decided to remind him that we weren’t husband and wife like that anymore. “We aren’t husband and wife in the true sense anymore, Dean.”
He frowned, clenching his jaw in what I knew was anger. I needed to tell him and get this over with—it was the only way.
“Do we have time for a chat before dinner?”
He shrugged and walked toward the small kitchen table we used to eat at. “What’s up?”
What indeed! I didn’t know how to do this, I had been thinking about it all day and had no clue how to make this easier. My palms were sweating, I had a knot the size of a football in my chest. Dean said nothing just sat a patiently waiting for me to speak.
“I’m not sure how to say this really, so I’m just going to come out with it. I’m pregnant!” I blurted it out like an idiot and watched his face for the slightest sign of a reaction, but the only thing I saw was a slow blink.
“What?”
“I’m pregnant. It must have been that one time, when I, I mean you know when we had the fight and I…” I looked at my hands, twisting them with nerves.
“Yes, I get it, Lex,” he snapped, and my head snapped up to his face. “I’m sorry, yes I understand when it happened,” he said calmly. “Are you pleased?” he then asked.
I didn’t want to hurt him, but I also didn’t want to lie to him, I had to much respect for him and what we had shared to do that. “Yes, I am. I know it wasn’t planned but yes, I’m pleased.”
He nodded, looking thoughtful for a minute. It was so strange at one time I could read this man like a book but not anymore. I waited silently, face expressionless as I watched it sink then he did something I wasn’t expecting; he smiled, it was huge, and it seemed genuine. “Then I’m happy too,” he said taking my hand and dropping a kiss there.
“Really? Oh, Dean, you have no idea how much that means to me.” Tears pricked my eyes and the relief that washed through me was immense.
“So, when do we go to the doctor?” he asked, and my stomach dropped.
“I’ve already been. I didn’t think it appropriate to ask you to go.” The disappointment on his face made me feel like shit.
“No, I understand this isn’t my child.” He began to turn away and I placed my hand on his arm.
“Dean, please. This is not easy for me either. If you want to be there for me as my friend, then I would love that. After all, we are friend’s, aren’t we?” I asked.
“Yes, Lex, we are friends.” He smiled sadly. I thought I saw regret on his face, but he hid it quickly. “We should celebrate,” he said and went to the freezer, grabbing the Chunky Monkey for me and the Strawberry Cheesecake for him he came back with two spoons, I noticed as he did that his limp was less pronounced and he was leaning on his stick less and less. It was a huge improvement and filled me with the hope that he would make a full recovery in time.
We walked side by side into the lounge, he sat in his chair which offered him more support and I curled into the arm of the sofa. We chatted comfortably about the pregnancy and he asked loads of questions about my due date and what the doctor had said.
He went quite when I told him the doctor would keep a close eye on me because of the miscarriage I’d had last time. It had been hard on us both and not something you ever really got over. Both of us seemed to carry guilt about the baby we had lost.
Unlike Dean, I was getting a second chance and I didn’t think it would be something he would ever allow himself no matter what happened. Deciding to change the subject I asked him about his PT. I hadn’t gone wit
h him for the last two sessions and he really seemed to be coming along.
“It’s going really well, the guy they have doing my PT is a ball breaker, but I think it’s helping.”
“Oh, it definitely is. You would never have been able to stand and cook a meal a few months back. It’s amazing, Dean. I’m so proud of you and how far you’ve come.” And I was. Dean was young and vital and to suddenly find himself partially disabled at twenty-six had been devastating. “I’m so proud of you.”
I saw him preen slightly and was pleased my words had bolstered him. Perhaps this living together in a marriage of convenience was a good thing. We were so much more relaxed now and our lives were finally moving on rather than being stuck in a terrible limbo.
“Thank you. Now that we have both eaten our body weight in ice-cream what do you want to do?”
I was extremely tired, but I could see he wanted to chat, so I suggested a marathon of ‘How I met your mother’.
I was relaxed and for the first time excited and thinking about what my future would hold when he asked the dreaded question. I had wondered if he would bring it up or should I say him. He asks it so quietly and so flippantly that I almost hadn’t heard it, but I did.
“Are you going to tell him?”
How do I answer, yes, I want to tell him, but technically I don’t know who he is? Will I try and find him? Yes, but I have no clue where to start. I answer honestly. “I want to, yes.” I watch his jaw clench and a tic move in his cheek, I can tell he is angry. I’m not sure what to say next, I don’t want him getting upset.
“I think it’s a mistake, he could be a lunatic for all you know. Just because you got away without getting hurt, are you willing to risk your baby to a man you don’t know like you did yourself?”
Hurt and anger hold me silent for second as I let his words sink in, I come to my feet angrily and stand to glare at him as he looks defiantly back at me.
“How dare you judge me. I would never risk my child and as for risking myself, I was never in any danger from him and it was what you wanted as I recall.” I’m breathing hard when I finish. I go to walk past him, and he catches my wrist in his hand.
“I’m sorry, Lex.”
I know he means it but I’m tired and still a little pissed, so I don’t feel like letting him off the hook. “This isn’t easy for me either, Dean,” I say instead of accepting his apology as I always do. “I’m going to bed, I’m exhausted.”
He seems like he wants to say more but, in the end, he doesn’t. “Okay, Lex, sleep well,”
I walk from the room and up the stairs anger dogging my steps, maybe Cherry is right, and we should make this separation legal, it might be the only way to keep everyone from getting hurt.
Chapter Sixteen
Lexi
It’s the second week in January, all the Christmas decorations are down, and things are starting to settle back into some sort of normality. My nausea has gone away, leaving me feeling so much better, so much so that I have decided to start looking at the nursery.
Since Dean and I had the argument the night I told him about the baby, he has been terrific. Like the man I fell in love with—sweet, considerate, funny. It’s funny how we seem to be better friends than I could have imagined. The progress he is making with his walking is amazing, he has truly stunned me, he says it’s because he has something to work for now.
I hide the sting his words cause me, but they still hurt. Why was I not enough? Either way, he is making progress and I’m thankful. He shyly asked me if he could design a mural for the baby’s room and I have agreed. Dean is the most gifted artist I know.
We are meeting at lunchtime in the shop to look at colors and ideas. Glancing at the clock I see it is already eleven. I have an hour before he arrives. I know what I need to do. I haven’t discussed my baby’s father with Dean, knowing it is pointless. If it’s one thing I know about Dean, it is that he’s stubborn, plus I’m also painfully aware that this must hurt him despite how he is behaving now, so to keep reminding him of the fact is unnecessarily cruel.
It doesn’t stop me thinking of him though when I’m curled in bed with my hand over my tiny bump. Wondering where he is, who he is, is he with someone, does he remember our night together? Does he have regrets? I feel his hands on me in my dreams, soft touches, whispered words. I wake each morning with a longing for a man I do not know and cannot have and then I have breakfast with the one person I know inside and out and I feel the strangest feeling of loneliness.
Cherry and I have discussed it several times and she thinks I need to find him and tell him. But I keep putting it off in deference to Dean and the years we shared. I have realized over the last few months that while I still love my husband desperately, he was right to end our marriage. I don’t look at him the same as I did, not since my night with Mac. The passion he awoke in me was one I had never experienced before. If I never had, I would have been alright, but I did, and it made me see that yes, I love Dean, but I’m not in love with him.
I sigh and run my hand over my tummy, the slight swell comforting. I still feel nervous but getting over the three-month hurdle was a relief.
“You ready?” Cherry asks from behind me and I twist to look at her. She is armed with her laptop.
“Ready as I will ever be. I don’t know what we can find with the little amount of information I have though.”
“Don’t be a Negative Nancy,” she responds with a tut as she opens the laptop and proceeds to go straight to FriendSpace, the biggest social media site in the world. Logging on she turns to look at me.
“What?” I ask, nervous flutters dancing around my tummy at the thought of finding him.
“What can you remember?”
“He is tall well over six feet. Dark hair, muscular build. Olive skin tone, gorgeous blue eyes. He called himself Mac.”
“Yes, yes, he is a sex god, I get that, but what else? Can you remember if he mentioned any High Schools, job, city, anything?” she says as I shake my head in the negative.
“No, we didn’t really talk much.” I feel the blush creep up my cheeks at her dirty grin and the eyebrow wiggle she does.
“Oh, we know that, Lex. The evidence is there for all to see.” She indicates my tummy with a grin.
“Shut up, he might hear you.”
“He?” she asks with a tilt of her head.
“Yes, I’m sure it’s a boy,” I say rubbing my hand over my baby’s bump.
Cherry smiles and hugs me with her left arm. “Right back to the task at hand. Let’s start with Jimmy’s FriendSpace page.” She clicks through to the page for the Bar and we start going through picture after picture to see if my mystery man is tagged in any. My heart stops as I see his face. He is looking straight at the camera, as he nurses a glass of Bourbon. He is also wearing the clothes from the night we met. Looking at the time and date stamp I see it is from that night about thirty minutes before Cherry and I got there.
Frantically I grab the mouse and scroll through looking for a name or anything to give me a clue who he is or how I find him but there is nothing, not even an initial.
The caption under his picture just says, ‘Another happy night at Jimmy’s.’ Disappointment slams into me as I search for any other pictures with Cherry and come up empty-handed. Emotion pricks my eyes as I stare at his face on the screen, it’s like he is looking right at me. I can almost feel his touch on my skin, his warm breath on my neck as he kissed me in the elevator. Even now the connection we had, the pull is there. It’s as if through the screen his eyes hold me captive, declaring me his. The intense physical attraction is still there, I wonder how I will ever live my life without feeling it again.
Despair and fear grip me. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack, so I take some deep breathes to calm my racing heart and mind.
“Oh honey, he really got to you, didn’t he?” Cherry says as she notices the state I’m in.
“I can’t explain it, Cherry, it’s like he owns my body
and soul. I’ve never felt anything like it and even not knowing him, I miss him. How can that be? I don’t even know his real name. How can he have this kind of effect on me?” I say in a shaky voice.
“I don’t know honeybunch, but sometimes we meet people and the connection is so strong it can never be severed, despite us trying.” Her voice is sad as she hugs me to her small body.
“I feel like I’m betraying everything Dean and I had just feeling this way. I honestly thought we would last forever.” Fear grips me, and I tighten my hands on her arms as I look at her. “I really did love Dean, I mean I still do it’s just…” I trail off when I hear the door open and, in the mirror, I see my estranged husband.
Quickly dashing at the tears on my face, I plaster on a smile and turn to him as I close the laptop.
“Hey,” I greet as he walks to me, leaning on his cane less and less.
“Hi, do you want to grab lunch?”
I’m very conscious that I’m keeping something from him, by trying to find my baby’s daddy, but he wanted to be friends and even best friends have secrets. That being said, I don’t feel like being alone with him, I need a buffer. My nerves are already frayed from the last ten minutes and having Cherry here who knows me inside out will help.
“I thought we could get something in so the three of us can plan the room together.” I see his jaw clench slightly and anger flits across his face at my words.
“I thought we were planning it,” he asks sharply.
“Well, two friends helping is better than one,” I say with a smile, emphasis on the word friend.
Dean looks at Cherry for a second and then smiles. “Absolutely.”
Relief floods through me, I have no energy for a fight. “Great. I’ll pop next door and grab some wraps and Cherry can get the sample books out and help you spread out your drawings,” I say as I walk to the door. Cherry pulls a face at me and I try not to laugh.
I return fifteen minutes later; a very quiet Dean and Cherry are sitting opposite each other around the large design table we have set up in the shop. A frisson of unease weaves its way through me as I feel the tension between the two.