Safeword: Davenport

by Candace Blevins

  "But you know who you are—your values, your morals—there's no doubt about who you are at your core. You're learning you have Dominant tendencies, perhaps even sadistic ones; you're also submissive, and apparently still quite the masochist. But again, these things are what you are; not who you are."

  "Will you be able to give me the pain I need?"

  He sighed, rubbing his forehead a few seconds before dropping his hand and saying, “I talked with Max on the phone today, and Brent and I've had some conversations, too. I'm still working through my feelings on the amount of damage you sustained. I know it'll heal, it's just short term bruising, and I'm aware you've had much worse."

  He shook his head, looking a little sad. “I'll find ways to provide similar levels of pain, but I can't promise to deliver the kinds of marks you're wearing now. I'm not saying I won't, just that..."

  He stopped, and Dana didn't say anything. Several moments passed and he finally finished. “I don't know. That's the best answer I can offer. I'll work on ways to hurt you without causing this sort of bruising, but I'm not sure I'll be able to do what Max did."

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  Chapter Twenty-Two

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  Dana was thankful her therapist's sofa was soft as she took a seat. She'd called Kirsten Monday afternoon, telling her she'd need more than an hour this week, and Kirsten had scheduled her from four until six on Wednesday, instead of their usual Thursday appointment.

  She began at the beginning of the weekend and ran through it quickly, wanting to talk about her current mix of emotions, but Kirsten kept stopping her to ask questions about how things made her feel. It annoyed her at first, until she realized where Kirsten was going, and by the time she'd finished telling the story she saw how important Zach had become in her life, how attached she was to him.

  "Kirsten, I think I need... this might sound odd, but I need to have one final conversation with Garnet. I want to explain I'll always love him, but it's time for me to move on—to give my loyalties, and my love and trust, to someone else. I've never felt his presence at the cemetery; his body may be there, but his spirit isn't. There's this place we used to hike, up on Monteagle, called Raven Point. I want to go there and talk to him, ask him to give me a sign showing he understands, granting me permission. Is that an unhealthy thing to do?” She reached for a tissue from the table beside her and caught a tear as it spilled over.

  "This is where I'm supposed to inquire if you think it's unhealthy, without giving you my opinion, but I'm going to break the rules. My personal belief system tells me those who've passed over can sometimes be aware of what we're going through, and can occasionally manage to send simple messages across in unexpected ways. However, it also tells me they don't always have access to this reality, this frequency, and then they can't hear us or convey messages. It's also my belief that time doesn't work the same in both dimensions. While it's been several years for you, he may feel as if only a couple of weeks have elapsed, or perhaps an entire decade."

  "You're saying I shouldn't put too much stock in whether or not I get an answer?"

  Kirsten nodded. “If you don't receive a response, consider he may not have heard the question. I believe this trip can be healthy, whether he hears you or not; however, I'm familiar with the trails leading to Raven Point, and most of them shouldn't be hiked alone. Which do you plan to use?"

  "I don't know. I could take the shortcut through the pastures, but I think I'll start at the top of the mountain and take the Fiery Gizzard trail—make it kind of a quest.” She took a breath, tears threatening to spill over again. “A final goodbye to him—the Chimneys, Sycamore Falls, the Fruit Bowl—we've hiked that section together countless times. I'll need to do it during the week though, so I can cry without worrying about running into too many hikers."

  "That's a ten-mile round trip, if I remember correctly, and it's a rough hike in the best of circumstances. I'm sensing you aren't planning to take anyone with you, so I'd like to suggest you have someone drop you off at the Grundy Forest trailhead and pick you up near the orchards—as that would reduce it to a six-mile trek. Do you have someone who can shuttle you back to your car?"

  "Yeah—I have a friend who lives in the area and it'd be nice to have dinner with her, catch up.” She inhaled deeply and let it out, relieved to have worked it out in her head. “If I'm not up to coming home yet I think I'll camp at Foster Falls; that'll give me a chance to hike into the canyon the next day and get some negative ions from the falls."

  Kirsten smiled. “Foster Falls is great for that. When do you plan to do this?"

  "Tomorrow, if my friend can pick me up. I'll call her when I leave here. Zach wants to have a big conversation this weekend, and I don't think I can make the promises he deserves to hear from me until I've had this final talk with Garnet, or, with Garnet's memory, if he can't hear me."

  "Why do you think Zach deserves promises from you?"

  "Because he's important—I care for him, and I need to give him some kind of commitment, to show he means something to me."

  By the time Dana arrived on Raven Point she was exhausted, with no tears left. She'd had to stop to cry at the Fruit Bowl, a giant hill of boulders the size of houses, tricky to navigate on foot at the best of times and impossible with tears blurring your vision. She'd left the trail for a cry at Sycamore Falls to keep from being seen by a happy couple eating a picnic lunch. And now, on the arduous last mile of the hike, straight up out of the gorge, her eyes were dry, leaving her no way to show the grief in her heart.

  Thankfully, no one else was on the point when she finally reached it. She carefully made her way to the outermost tip and sat on the edge, holding onto a gnarled tree twisted by the almost constant winds. She released her ponytail and the gusts whipped her hair around her face as the warm sun shone down on her. Garnet had loved to see her hair blowing when they were up here.

  The view was breathtaking, as always, and she took a moment to look all the way around her, savoring the victory of arriving before she got down to business.

  Pulling the wedding rings out from under her shirt, holding them in her hand, she began with an internal conversation, but it wasn't enough, so she started over, out loud.

  "Garnet, I miss you so much. At first, I couldn't imagine surviving without you; but somehow, I've managed. Some days better than others. It's been two years though, and I need to let you know I've found someone I think can make me happy. His name is Zach, and I don't know if things will work between us or not, but I have to give it a try. I've loved other people, and had sex with other people, but you're the only one who's had my total submission and trust. Those things belong to you."

  She was wrong, she did have more tears in her, and they all came cascading out, her breath catching as she sobbed, so she couldn't draw air into her lungs. She gasped for oxygen, needing to finish—to voice what she'd come to say. “I miss you so damn bad; you don't know how many times I've wished I could join you. It'd be so easy right now, I'd only have to lean forward a little ways and I'd hit bottom in less than a minute, but I'm not ready to leave here yet. I've still got a lot of living to do, and I hope you understand."

  The gut-wrenching sobs overtook her again, but she talked over them. “I'm asking permission—can you find a way to give it to me? Please, Master? I need you to tell me it's okay, to tell me I'm doing the right thing this one last time. Please."

  She hugged the tree tighter, needing the stability of it, but she didn't try to stop the tears. She'd cry as much as she wanted today. Tomorrow would be about looking forward, but today was yet another goodbye. She thought she'd already said her final farewell to him, but this... she needed to do this, to at least ask permission, even if he couldn't give it to her from wherever he was now.

  She sat on the point for over an hour before a group of hikers came along, but by then she was more or less composed and, she hoped, appeared tired instead of looking as if she'd been crying most of the day. They exchang
ed basic hiker pleasantries and Dana learned they were college kids from the nearby university. All but one had traversed this section before, and she hadn't been prepared for the strenuous trek. The group settled not too far away and pulled water bottles and trail mix out, enjoying the view as they rested. Dana's back was to them, no longer part of the conversation as they continued to talk and joke around with each other.

  The girl who hadn't been prepared said, “I still can't believe ya'll told me this wasn't a rough trail. If Jake hadn't caught me on those rocks, I'd probably be dead. Seriously, Bobby, what would you do if I died?"

  His speech took on that of a bad Shakespearean actor. “My heart would be broken and I'd never date again. You're my soul mate, without you I'd be stuck living alone for the rest of my miserable existence.” Changing back to a normal voice, he said, “Doves do that, right? If their mate dies they don't find another?"

  There were a few seconds of silence before she answered. “I have no idea about doves, but it wouldn't be right for you to... I was joking when I asked the question, but I'd be very sad if you never dated again. Would you want me to live my life alone if something happened to you?"

  Dana's skin textured into goose bumps. She wanted to turn around so she could see their faces, but felt it would be too obvious if she did. One of the other guys spoke up. “Whoa, heavy. Don't scare him like that Amanda. When he first told us about you, about how close the two of you were, and why he wasn't looking at other girls even though you were, like, a thousand miles away at another college, we didn't get it—how connected the two of you are. Now that you're here, we totally understand."

  The wind stilled and a red-tailed hawk floating in the sky twenty yards in front of her screamed seconds before Bobby said, “I don't know if I'd ever date again, but I'd definitely want you to find someone you could be happy with. What I'd really like is to not have to think about life without you. Last semester was hell; I can't go through it again."

  Dana couldn't help it, the tears started anew. She'd asked for permission, and got it. One of the guys came over to her, bent down.

  "Ma'am? Are you okay?"

  She nodded, reaching for a tissue from her pocket and blowing her nose, trying to compose herself enough to talk before turning to the group, her arm still wrapped around the tree.

  "My husband died a few years ago, and I came here today because we loved this place. I needed to tell him I've found someone I think can make me happy, ask him if that's okay. I think I just got my answer. I'm sorry for falling apart, but what are the odds a group of people would come along and have this conversation, right after I've sat and asked him if..."

  She pulled herself to standing with the help of the tree, trying to focus through her tears, her bruised ass aching from sitting on the ground for so long, her back stiff; and she desperately wanted to get away from the college kids so she didn't feel like such an idiot crying in front of them. She let go of the tree and took a step, but the guy at her side touched her arm, holding it just above her elbow.

  "You shouldn't walk around crying out here, the footing's too treacherous. Come sit with us. Where are you headed next?"

  She told them, and it turned out they'd parked a car on this end and driven another to the trailhead, so they'd be hiking out the same way. She learned it was Jake who'd come to check on her, and now kept talking to her, moving her from one subject to another, and before long she was joking and cutting up. She stopped and looked at him, observed his facial expressions, watched his body language; and saw a handsome young man with caring eyes.

  "You're good, Jake. I feel much better. I'm not sure how you did it, but thank you."

  One of the other girls choked on her drink, coughed a few times, and said, “Yeah, he's a psych major. The only guy I know who walks towards crying women instead of away from them."

  Jake looked embarrassed and Dana felt the need to defend him. “He's got a gift; he's smart to get the education to go with it.” She turned to him. “You'll be exceptional at your job when you graduate. Thanks for your help; I think I'm okay to walk out of here on my own now, though."

  He smiled. “I'd insist on walking you out, but I believe this is a quest, which means you need to finish it alone. Be safe, and good luck with your new man."

  When Dana arrived at the Foster Falls campground she focused on getting her campsite ready before dark. There weren't many people and she found an out-of-the-way spot without a soul in sight. Her small, one-person tent took less than five minutes to assemble, so within fifteen minutes her campsite was set up and a nice fire built. She'd eaten her fifth s'more when her cellphone rang, and wasn't surprised to see it was Kirsten.

  "I just wanted to check in, see how you're doing."

  "I'm gorging on fire roasted marshmallows between scrumptious chocolate and graham crackers. I figure I burned enough calories hiking today that I can eat them all night."

  Kirsten laughed. “If you've got a fire you've gotta have s'mores. How'd it go?"

  She told her therapist what had happened at the point and asked, “Am I reading too much into it? Assuming I received an answer, when it may have been coincidence?"

  "Think about the word coincidence, break it down. When two events coincide, it means they happen at the same time. As you said, the odds of these things coinciding, of you asking and then having people come along to have that particular conversation, are slim. Try re-pronouncing coincidence as co-incide-ence. Does it feel any different?"

  "Yeah. I need to accept that the two things happened together. I'm going to choose to believe someone from the other side wanted me to have the permission I requested. Whether it was Garnet or my guardian angel or even God—I asked a question and someone answered."

  An owl hooted as she finished her sentence, sounding as if he were in a tree right over her, and her skin shivered to goose bumps.

  Dana spent a good part of the next morning at the base of Foster Falls, moving close enough for the spray to lightly mist her, and experiencing all of the tens of thousands of negative ions bouncing around the canyon and through her body. When she finally climbed out of the gorge she was energized, and felt better than she had in a long while. She used the hour and a half drive home to consider the future, and what she was willing to commit to with Zach.

  As soon as she closed her front door she began stripping out of her clothes, dumping them in the hamper as she walked by, and carefully pulling the chain over her head before purposefully placing both wedding rings in the bottom compartment of her jewelry box—the section with the seldom worn items.

  The End

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  Turn the page for Chapter One of Safewords: Davenport and Chiffon

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  ABOUT CANDACE BLEVIN

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  Candace Blevins is a southern girl who loves to travel the world.

  She lives with her husband of 14 years and their two daughters. When not working or driving kids all over the place she can be found reading, writing, meditating, or swimming.

  Candace writes romance books about characters who happen to have some extreme kinks. Relationships can be difficult enough without throwing power exchange into the mix, and her books show people who care enough about each other to fight to make the relationship work.

  You can visit her on the web at candaceblevins.com and kinkyeverafter.com .

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  If you enjoyed Safeword: Davenport, you might also enjoy:

  .

  Safeword: Rainbow

  .Safeword: Storm Clouds

  .Safeword: Matte

  .Safewords: Davenport and Chiffon (scheduled for release August 3, 2012)

  .Safeword: Quinacrodone (to be released later in 2012)

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  [Back to Table of Contents]

  * * * *

  Safewords: Davenport and Chiffon

  By Candace Blevins

  * * * *

  Chapter One

  Dana carefull
y pulled the chain over her head before purposefully placing both wedding rings in the bottom compartment of her jewelry box—the section with the seldom worn items. Closing the drawer was bittersweet, but she didn't dwell on it as she proceeded towards her bathroom, looking forward to a lengthy soak. She took extra pains to shave everything, kept the conditioner on her hair longer than normal, and used a loofah to exfoliate everywhere she didn't shave. When she got out of the tub, she dried and fixed her hair before polishing her nails a deep crimson, applying her make-up more dramatically than usual, and finally slinking into her sinfully sexy red dress. She couldn't show much skin with her back still bruised, but it was snug from shoulders to just below the knees, leaving little to the imagination while hiding her marks.

  She timed it perfectly and he arrived downstairs as she was wiggling into the sumptuous fabric. She unlocked the elevator, and was waiting at the door as he rounded the corner.

  He paused in the middle of the hallway, surprised to see her, and smiled before walking again.

  "You're beautiful, Dana. I've been so nervous about this weekend, but seeing you in this dress, it's like...” He stopped, scanning her with his gaze so she felt naked all the way down to her soul. Tilting his head, considering, he spoke slowly. “It's more than the dress. Your eyes are clear; the doubt's gone. Something's changed since we had lunch Wednesday afternoon."

  "Yes, it has. Don't worry, it's all good, and I'll tell you about it at dinner. Where are you taking me?"

  "Foodworks, and then hopefully home with me."

  "Hmm, maybe I should pack a few things. Give me a sec."

  "I asked you to include me in your adventures from here on out. You said you would."

  Dana was taken aback; she hadn't expected him to react with anger over her solo hike. “Yes, sexual adventures. Not hiking through the woods. I had to do this alone, Zach. It was important. I spent Thursday looking back, saying goodbye, and today was devoted to looking forward. I closed a door yesterday, and concentrated on opening another today."