Seeking Daylight

by Becky Poirier

  Jane had taken on most of my care. She was one of the few people I’d let near me. The only one I really tolerated. The little boy being the only other exception. I didn’t like her any more than the rest of the group. It was probably just me holding onto the old traditions my father had instilled in me about respecting my elders.

  Now that I was completely weaned off of the good drugs, I had been moved into the main communal group. They all slept in one large concrete room, with large windows that spread across two of the walls. They kept the windows completely covered at night, but during the day they’d roll up the metal blinds to let in as much sunlight as possible. The beds or rather mattresses were lined up against one wall. Every person had their own little bundle they kept with their beds, their little sentimental crap that they managed to hold onto. I tugged at the angel locket around my throat and tried to suck back the tears. I’d lost everything the night I lost her. The angel was the only thing I still had.

  For three long dreary days I’d been forced to endure my new accommodations. Two had been spent in the main communal room. I’d been assigned a foam mattress with a flowery comforter. I slept on top of the comforter most of the day, or at least pretended to sleep. If I’d been allowed more morphine I could have slept better, but that annoying Nina chick was making sure I wasn’t given any more. I still had no idea what she even looked like. All I knew was that she controlled a lot of the supplies and that she really didn’t like me. She was the only one who hadn’t attempted to introduce herself to me. In that respect she was actually more tolerable than the rest.

  Now, because of Nina’s control, all I got was a little bit of Tylenol. Every time Jane came over to give me some more she apologized. I shrugged my shoulders, took my allotted pills, and then closed my eyes yet again.

  The group was too big. I knew that, and had I not been so angry at them for saving my life I might have told them. Now that I was technically a part of the group, there were sixteen of us in total. Numbers could be advantageous when it came to protecting each other and your territory, but too big a crowd…and you were liable to gather attention.

  When Molly had been here, there had been ten of us in our old group. It’s funny how quickly our group dissolved when it came to protecting their own skin. Life had changed so quickly for me and I was still trying to adapt to that. Just a few days ago, I thought my life was going great. I was the safest I’d ever felt. It felt like Molly and I actually had family again. The friendships were so strong I thought nothing could damage them. But when the demons came blasting into our sanctuary, and they all fled. Not one of them cared for a single other.

  Listening to Jane’s group laughing and playing together kept bringing on flashbacks of the happy times…the lies. I could make every effort not to watch them, but there was nothing I could do to block out their words. They actually thought they were strong, but in reality, they were weakened by the illusion of safety they thought they had here. It was only a matter of time and their little group would meet the same fate.

  During the day I could compartmentalize as my dad used to call it. He’d taught me how to do it, to put my emotions aside to deal with my current situation. During the day I could block out the pain and the memory of Molly. But at night I barely slept. Molly continued to haunt me. She was more present now that the drugs had faded. Mostly she reminded me of the times we had with our original group. She kept bringing up the memories in my mind. The entire time I slept, I was assaulted by the visions she kept throwing in front of me. Any time I’d try and wake from a memory she’d pull me right under. I didn’t understand. Was she trying to punish me for not keeping her safe? “I tried Molly. I really did.” I cried to her as she dragged me back down into yet another memory.

  I fought with all my strength against the vision as it came into focus but it was no use. His face slowly materialized through the haze. It was the first time I met him. He stood there looking every bit as gorgeous as I remembered, with his dark wavy hair that went just past his chin, his beautiful olive skin, his soft brown eyes that looked right through me. Everything my mother had taught me about not trusting anyone had gone right out the window when I met him. The way he smiled; it was like an angel peering into your heart. He held mine from that very moment. “Molly please,” I begged as she pushed me closer to his image. I didn’t want to see anymore. He was just as much a lie as the rest of them had been, more so because of how he made me feel. Even now my heart was pounding in my chest.

  “Enough!” I screamed out loud launching myself painfully into sitting position.

  It was midmorning of day four. The metal shutters had been opened to reveal the daylight. Jane was sitting on her mattress next to me, just watching me like she always did. I didn’t know what she was waiting for. For me to come around. To be grateful. To thank her. Whatever it was she was going to be waiting a long time. I often woke up moaning or shouting. In the beginning it concerned her, but now she just watched me.

  I slowly reclined my head back onto my pillow. It still hurt from smashing into the concrete floor of the gun shop. The doctor said I most likely had a concussion. There wasn’t much to do but let it heal, just like every other part of my body. It was going to take time and time was the last thing I wanted.

  The others in the group kept their distance from me, now that I’d made it clear I didn’t care to get to know them. Of course Jane didn’t give in like the rest and neither did the doctor and the little boy, Matthew, who’d reminded me of Molly. Matthew was the only one I even attempted to be civil to. I didn’t care if I hurt the others, but he was different. Children were so rare in our world, especially orphans like him. No one wanted to be saddled with a child, when you needed to run, especially one you weren’t related to. But for some reason Jane didn’t seem to care that Matthew only put her in more danger.

  I hadn’t bothered to learn too much about my companions. I knew less than half their names, but what information I did have came from Matthew. I was pretty sure that Jane had set me up by having him befriend me. And he was a chatty little fella. When the outbreak happened, he and his mother ended up in a shelter with Jane. When the inevitable happened and the infected broke through the defences, Jane hadn’t hesitated to take Matthew when his mother was dragged off by one of the demons.

  He was barely one years old at the time. Toddlers and infants were among the most vulnerable and they also made you vulnerable to attack. It made no sense to me why Jane would risk her life for him. I had protected Molly…for as long as I could, but she was my sister. No one did that for strangers anymore. It was every man for themselves.

  As was our morning routine, when I refused to acknowledge the new day, Jane would send Matthew over to coax me out of bed. I hated being awake almost as much as I hated being asleep. When I was awake, I was completely dependent on these people and that meant the risk of forming attachments. I was already feeling attached to Matthew and I hated it. He was already dead. No matter how protected they thought they were here, eventually the demons, or some other group would break in and then Matthew would be the first to go.

  “We have pancakes this morning,” he said cheerfully. It was an improvement over the grainy gruel we ate most mornings. Begrudgingly I sat up and leaned my sore body against the wall as I pulled the tray of food towards myself. The pancakes were topped with a few slices of canned peaches. And on the side of my tray next to a bottle of water was one tiny little white pill.

  “Sorry,” Jane apologized. “She thinks you can handle decreasing your dose.” I took the measly pill and swallowed it with a gulp of water.

  “I would have thought Doc would have been in charge of medication dosage,” I replied sarcastically.

  Jane smiled at me. It was the most conversation she’d managed to get out of me this entire time. She was probably under the mistaken impression we were making progress.

  “You would think that would be the way it works, but she’s very strict about our stores and she doesn’t like giv
ing them away to…”

  “Outsiders,” I finished her sentence. I couldn’t blame her. It wasn’t like my group went out of their way to help others. We were only looking after our own. The one time I tried to change that, things had gone disastrously wrong.

  “You don’t have to be an outsider,” Matthew replied as he dug into his own pancakes. I didn’t respond. How could I tell him that there was no point to making connections? That life was over. The fight was over? We were all going to die, it was only a matter of time. The only thing that mattered now was choosing how we left this life.

  I dug into my pancakes, resisting the urge to let the child know the truth. Matthew had been right to be enthused. These were much better than the nasty chunky cereal we had most mornings. Jane smiled at me as I enthusiastically dug into another bite. It was the first time I’d actually been able to taste food in days. And I was surprised that my appetite had returned. Again I was sure Jane thought it meant something else.

  “Matthew’s right. You could be a part of us. But it would go a long way to cementing the bond if you’d at least tell us your name.”

  “There isn’t a point to doing that. As soon as I can manage to get around on my own, I’m leaving.”

  Matthew put his fork down on his plate sadly. I scolded myself in my head for not being a little more subtle in my rejection. He was probably taking it personally. Even though I didn’t know him well, I knew that he was a sensitive little boy and he probably took my rejection of the group personally. Jane didn’t. I don’t think my comment even phased her. She acted like I hadn’t said anything.

  “That’s okay we’ll get your name out of you sooner or later.” She took my empty tray from me and then proceeded to help me up off the ground for the morning bathroom trudge.

  I’d been offered the use of a private room and a bucket that they would empty but that idea was even more humiliating than having to be helped down the stairs to the washroom. So pride won out, and three times a day Jane helped me down the treacherous stairs. She was a lot stronger than she looked. She pretty much took on my entire body weight. I only had the use of one arm and one foot and getting myself balanced on those stairs was awkward. It took us ten minutes just to make the decent, and nearly fifteen to climb back up.

  Doc told me, if things went well, that in a month I could have a walking cast. So that was the date I had set in my mind for when I would leave. I’d let myself get healed up enough that I could hobble off on my own and then sneak away when the time was right.

  After finishing up with my business, I thought that we’d be heading back to the main living area. That was where I spent all of my days and nights, but instead Jane said we were headed to the roof. I hadn’t seen much of the place they lived in, and I wasn’t in a hurry to learn the rest of the lay out. My body was shaky from all the effort I’d already gone through just for a visit to the bathroom. And from what Jane told me we had twice the trip to the roof.

  “There’s no way,” I said looking up the stairwell that seemed to climb forever.

  “Trust me it will be worth it,” she replied. “It rained last night.” She did a ridiculous happy dance right there in the stairwell. I almost laughed but caught myself in time. “That means shower day. Normally we have to really conserve water but when we have a major down poor like we had last night, that means we have enough to splurge on showers. And dear I know it’s been awhile since you’ve looked in the mirror but you need one. Also I sleep next to you and for your sake and mine I’d really appreciate it if you braved the climb.”

  I looked down at the grungy sweats I’d been given to wear. They were soiled, and I could definitely smell what she was talking about. Still I didn’t see how I could possibly muster enough energy to make the journey both up and then down again.

  Just as I was about to tell her so, two small Asian women I didn’t recognize dashed past us. They were giggling and clearly just as excited as Jane was to get clean. They turned around to stare at me, as was common, and then continued their mad dash up the stairs.

  “We need to hurry. Sandy and Clara are the worst when it comes to sharing the water,” Jane said desperately.

  “I really want to, but there’s just no way. I’m exhausted.”

  “I thought you might say that” came Seth’s familiar accent from behind me. Before I had a chance to protest, he pulled my crutch out from under my arm, handed it to Jane, and swept me up into his arms. He started climbing the stairs like my weight was nothing to him. His lanky physique had to be a façade. Surely under his baggy shirt he was hiding some muscle because I wasn’t a skinny thing. I wasn’t fat either, but for the past few months I’d had a healthy supply of food and had taken advantage of it.

  “This really isn’t necessary,” I insisted hoping he’d put me down. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to carry me, especially him. His kindness rubbed me the wrong way. People weren’t kind for nothing anymore. There was always some kind of hidden agenda.

  “Oh, I guarantee you it is. Jane was right you look terrible.” I rolled my eyes which earned a chuckle from him.

  He finally put me down when we arrived at the end of the staircase. I wobbled a little trying to gain my balance back. He reached out to help me, but I recoiled from his touch. He didn’t let that bother him. He kept his eyes on me longer than was justified in the situation, which I thought was strange and a little unnerving. I didn’t like being gawked at, especially by strange men.

  A large metal door, with a dimmed-out EXIT sign, hung open in front of us, letting in the bright morning light. It felt nice to have actual sunlight on my skin, though the air was quite cool.

  Jane was right behind me with my crutch, as she maneuvered herself under my other arm. “Thanks Seth. I don’t think I could have done that on my own.”

  “No problem. I’ll be back in ten to help her back down.” I thought about protesting his assistance again but there wasn’t much point. He was going to help whether I wanted it or not; and based on the climb up, I was sure it would be difficult if not impossible to climb back down, given my current level of fatigue. He turned to leave. “Oh Jane, could you please remind Clara and her sister that we guys would like to shower too. And not to hog all the water.”

  “I’ll do my best,” she smiled back. I watched as he hopped down the steps, like he hadn’t drained any energy at all carrying me up all those stairs. I shook my head as I watched him go. Jane just smiled at me strangely. These people were getting stranger by the minute. I couldn’t get out of here soon enough.

  Jane and I hobbled out onto the rooftop. All of the other women from the group were already there. They had three large bed sheets pinned together and hung on a wire which spread across to shield their naked bodies from view, but with the way the sun was hitting it there wasn’t much left to the imagination. I could clearly make out a tree like shower structure in the centre behind the sheets. The women were huddled underneath it, with every curve made visible by the shadows cast on the bedding. Some of the women were laughing as they showered; while others tried to keep to themselves as they cleaned quickly, clearly not comfortable with the communal shower scene.

  I wasn’t used to any shower scene. I hadn’t actually showered in years. It was always sponge baths or, if I got really lucky, sometimes we collected enough water in the kiddie pools we had set up on our roof to have real baths. Our group hadn’t been clever enough to come up with our own shower system.

  Jane helped me over to a bench just behind the far edge of one of the sheets, where I awkwardly maneuvered out of my clothes. She helped me cover my cast in plastic. Unlike some of the others in the group, I was fine with the communal naked women scene. I’d done it most of my life, but I wasn’t up for having Jane’s naked body anywhere near mine. As I made my way to one of the shower heads, I politely declined her assistance and hopped my way awkwardly over there myself.

  The air was even colder once you were under the water. Winter was definitely coming soon. My whol
e body shivered under the water, as goosebumps ran along my skin. Under normal circumstances I probably would have rushed through a shower like this, but Jane and Seth were right. I smelt terrible and my hair was still a mess from my initial injuries. I took my time cleaning myself, making sure not to miss anything. And I washed my hair three times before applying the conditioner.

  I got a nasty look from a woman with dark skin and short barely there, black curly hair. It didn’t take much guessing to figure out that had to be Nina. Only she would be irritated by my usage of supplies. I wasn’t the only one overusing the cleaning products, but I was the only outsider.

  It was awkward trying to wash myself, as I struggled to keep the heavy cast off of the ground. I’d already learned from experience, that any pressure put on that foot only ended up in my pain level skyrocketing. Now that I no longer had the good meds, I wanted to avoid the pain as much as possible. I didn’t even really know why I cared whether I healed or not. Just a few days ago I’d been ready to die, but then it had felt inevitable. Now I still wanted to die. There wasn’t much point to going on but I kept thinking about how I wanted to die. Now I knew that killing one or two of the demons wouldn’t be enough to make up for what happened to Molly.

  I couldn’t pinpoint when my plans changed. Maybe it was one of the times Molly forced me to remember our last moments together, but all I knew now was that I wanted to take out a whole nest. The only way to accomplish that, would be in peek condition and with supplies. As far as I could tell this group had supplies and a lot of them.

  The more filth that washed away the clearer my mind became and the more determined I felt. I needed to recover and earn this groups trust. I just needed to play nice for long enough, so that I could get them to drop their guard around me. Then I’d take what I needed, and target one of the nests I already knew existed and I’d blow myself up with the creatures. Revenge was all I was living for now and I was fine with that.