“Hear what?” I asked curiously.
“It’s never been that you can’t trust. It was that when you were finally ready to trust, you put your faith in the wrong people. Not that Alex was the wrong person. He loved you. It was obvious to everyone, just how much he loved you. But I think our group was never that tight. It’d be all laughs and smiles when things were good, but the moment things got rough people would whisper about leaving. You remember Eric?”
I nodded. He’d been a quiet guy almost like Frank, only thirty years younger. He was always keeping his ear to the ground and an eye on everyone.
“He was always watching, waiting. You remember when we were accused of stealing the chips we’d found on our raid?” I nodded. Eric had been the one to accuse us. “He was the one who took them. I found crumbs on his pillow.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?” I asked annoyed. We’d taken a lot of flak for that one. The whole group had been pissed at us. We were planning on sharing those. It was so rare when we got a treat like that. There were several people who wouldn’t talk to us for days.
“Because I was busy watching him, just like you taught me.” I smiled at her, of course she would do that. That was our way, to observe before we react. “I could see it in his eyes. He was just waiting for a chance to steal what he could from us and run. He was using us while he could. When the boy howled for the first time, he was the only one who didn’t panic. He was the first one to take off and he headed straight for the storeroom and took as much as he could shove into his bag as well has half our guns and ammo.”
“How do you know that?” We’d been far away from the storeroom it would have been impossible for her to see him do that.
“Because he didn’t make it. There’s a certain advantage to no longer being bound by a corporeal existence.” I didn’t remember teaching her such fancy words. I wondered if she’d picked it up from one of those trashy teen romance novels she loved reading. “I’ve got a way better view from up here. That’s why I know that Seth and this group can give you what we never found before. You can have the picnics back. You can have you back.”
I wanted to believe what she said was true. I wanted to believe that she was really in my dreams talking to me. Not just a figment of my imagination, trying to make me feel less guilty for wanting a life with Seth. But there was still so much that bothered me. “But what about Alex? I never thought he’d run. He promised me forever.”
She had this look on her face. It was the same one she used to wear when she was trying desperately to keep a secret from me. “There are more answers that will come to light soon. You just need to be patient. I’m not allowed to tell them to you. You’re not ready yet. All I’ll say is that things aren’t always as they appear to be.”
She started to fade from my dream, she was shimmering out of focus and I wanted so desperately for her to come back. This was one of the few times she appeared to me that I didn’t feel more pain by her presence. “Come back please.”
She came back into focus for just a moment. “My time with you is coming to a close. I’m only here for you now because you need me, but soon you’ll realize I’m not the one you need. Follow your heart and I promise you this dream will come true.”
Chapter Twenty-One
After my encounter with Molly, my night was actually one of the more peaceful ones I’d had in a long time. It wasn’t until I heard Cletus whispering, that I realized I’d slept in longer than normal. He was talking to Seth and it was obvious by his hushed voice that he was trying not to wake me. It didn’t work, but still it was soft enough that rather than being startled awake it gently pulled me out of my slumber. I kept my eyes closed, wanting to hold onto the peace for just a little while longer.
“You’re not the only sleepy head,” Cletus whispered. “Everyone’s been slow to rouse this morning. I woke up an hour ago and thought it best to let everyone just sleep a little longer. After what we’ve been through, I figured we could all use it.”
“I agree,” Seth yawned. “I’m thinking that today we should just do nothing.” Even though his voice was quiet it still sounded louder than it should have. Almost like he was talking right into my ear, which I knew he wasn’t. I swore I could even feel his breath brush across my forehead.
“Well maybe the rest of us can, but Doc and Kyle already took off.”
“When?” Seth asked a little louder than he meant to. “What time is it anyway?” he asked a little softer.
“It’s a little after ten and they took off about twenty minutes ago. Doc looked really excited and Kyle…well I think he just needed something to do.”
“I still don’t like that it’s just the two of them. We all agreed that we need to start going out in parties of three, no less, especially after the run-in Jane and I had with those thugs.”
“I tried to tell them that. But they didn’t feel like waiting for anyone else to come along and most people are just waking now. Looks like you had a good night’s sleep. How long has this been in the works? She looks good on you.”
My forehead wrinkled trying to understand just what Cletus meant by me looking good on Seth. And then I felt the slow steady heartbeat that wasn’t my own, beating beneath my hand and I realized I had once again rolled over onto Seth’s chest. I slowly opened my eyes trying not to draw attention to myself, but it was too late.
Cletus caught my eye and he had the biggest goofy grin on his face that revealed a missing tooth on his uppers, that I had never noticed before. “Good morning sunshine,” he said. “Sleep well did ya?”
I sheepishly pulled myself off of Seth’s body and rolled back onto my own mattress. My cheeks burned and I could barely look at the two men. Seth elbowed Cletus in the gut. “Thanks, now she’ll probably make me go back to sleeping on the other side of the room and I’ll go back to not sleeping at all.” I dared to peek over at Seth and noticed that he did indeed look more rested than ever before. After recent events I didn’t think he’d get a good night’s sleep, for at least a couple of weeks. He was a lot like me in that way. Not able to shut his mind down.
“Wow sorry. I was just having a little fun. Cletus knows when he’s not wanted. I’ll go find someone else to tease, who isn’t so sensitive.” He walked off feigning insult.
Seth waited until Cletus was long gone before rolling over to face me. “Are you going to make me move to the other side of the room again?” He asked sincerely worried.
I shook my head. He was the reason I’d stopped having nightmares. I was sure of it now. At some point during my restless night’s sleep, I’d rolled over onto his chest and that was when my dreams shifted. Just being next to him was enough to calm my mind and body. And apparently, I was his reason for sleeping better.
“I’m just embarrassed that I did it again. I don’t know why I keep doing it.”
“Well I know the perfect solution to make it stop happening when you sleep.”
“What’s that?” I asked curiously.
“When we go to sleep, you put your head on my chest from the very start and then there’ll be no embarrassment.” I shook my head at him. That was absurd. “I’m serious. It seems to help you and I know it helps me. So maybe we could avoid the tossing and turning by just going straight for the cuddle off the bat.”
“Just the cuddle? You wouldn’t try to make it anything more?”
“I promise,” he said putting his hands in the air. “I’ll keep these to myself, until you give the green light.” He was looking at me anticipating my response. “So, what do you say?”
I did like being next to him, feeling the warmth of his body. On the other hand, being that close led to desires I wasn’t ready for. But then I ended up in his arms anyway, so maybe it was the best solution. He watched patiently until I finally smiled and nodded yes. His grin lit up his entire face.
He wore that same goofy grin for nearly an hour afterwards. I tried to make him stop it, but that only made it bigger…the grin that was. His incessant smi
le was also gathering us unwanted attention. Most of it was positive. Clara was having fun poking at my new relationship and apparently the glow in my cheeks, though I was pretty sure I had the blushing under control by that point. There were only two people who didn’t like the new situation. Nina, who kept scowling at us from the corner every time I caught her eye, and Jane. Who I overheard warning Seth, for the second time, to be careful around me.
Thankfully, he wasn’t heeding Jane’s advice and I wasn’t letting Nina get to me. I’d dealt with Nina’s type in my last group…her name had been Patricia. I was pretty sure the reason Patricia didn’t like me was because Alex did. There was no such issue here. I didn’t think Nina liked anyone. So why she was so dead set against me was a mystery. We were long past her issues of me using resources. I’d proven myself useful to the group, so much so that I actually felt like I belonged most of the time.
All the attention was more than I was used to. So, the first chance I had, I snuck off to the roof for some air. The climb to the roof was getting easier each time. I felt my strength returning to almost what it had once been. If I wanted to, I probably could have taken off and no one could have done anything to stop me. The funny thing was that I didn’t really want that anymore. I would miss the warmth of Seth’s body beneath mine, his smile. I would miss Matthew’s innocence and sweet nature. The rest of the group I’d miss as well, but Matthew and Seth felt like family. I didn’t think I was capable of having that feeling again. And I knew that if I left, I would worry about them constantly. And the more time passed, the more I wondered if it really came to it, if I could actually end my life.
My encounter with Alex had been a wake-up call. It was one thing to feel brave with my plan to die taking demons out. But when I actually looked into Alex’s eyes, I’d been too terrified to react. I doubted if I could actually kill the infected like I wanted to. Maybe I might be able to take out a couple. But if I’d been surrounded, I didn’t think so. And then what would happen? Most likely they’d just bite me. I’d become one of them. Another soulless monster. That was the last thing I wanted. And I certainly didn’t want to just end my life. That was pointless. I’d always had a plan and now I didn’t have a clue.
The roof was probably the worst spot I could have picked to clear my head. The wind had a bite to it that morning and the roof still smelt of bleach. The fact that I hadn’t bothered to grab a coat before coming up, wasn’t helping matters either. My teeth chattered and I knew I should just turn back around and seek the warmth with the others, but my mind was still struggling to piece things together. I found myself standing exactly where I was the other night when Alex had attacked me.
He’d managed to scrape a path into the gravel tar roof with his claws, leaving a deep impression. I knelt down and ran my fingers over them. A shiver ran up my spine that had nothing to do with the cold. There’d been a time when those hands had held me, and I’d never wanted them to let me go. To think so much could change about a person in only a little more than a month. I’d never seen someone I cared about change like that. My father was so early into the change when I’d ended his life, that he still looked very much human. If it weren’t for the look in his eyes, I probably would have hesitated to fire.
Yet that night on the roof, with Alex looking at me with his fully transformed eyes, I had hesitated. The gun was still near me. I could have grabbed it and fired, but I hesitated. That wasn’t me at all. “You have to remember Paige, they’re not human anymore. They may look almost normal, smell normal, sound normal. But they’re not. They’re demons. Soulless beasts, who only want to make you like them. The moment the bite happens, they’re as good as gone. You don’t hesitate. You shoot to kill no matter if it’s me or your father. Do you understand?” My mother’s words rang back in my head. She’d said them to me the night my father hadn’t returned. We all knew something had to have gone wrong, but we were hoping that it was no more than our father had to hold up somewhere for the night.
When he finally came home, we all knew something was off with him. But we didn’t see any visible marks. And he was really just acting moody. My mom looked worried when he just walked past us not really saying anything. He claimed he was exhausted and had a headache. We let him go. As he marched up the stairs, I just figured he was moody from having had to sleep on a hard surface and not having a good meal in his belly. My dad had a bad back and when he didn’t sleep in his bed, it would get so bad that he’d snap at everyone. That was how he was acting. We should have known better.
When action was required, I’d fired then without hesitation. My mother hadn’t. When she’d gone to check on him, she had her gun hidden behind her back. I’d watched her pull it out of the gun cupboard. She didn’t see me hiding behind the bookcase, watching her. The look on her face told me everything I needed to know. My dad was infected. So, when she took off with the gun, I went and grabbed another just in case.
But she didn’t use it. She must have seen the look in his eyes before he attacked, known it was coming. But she did nothing, just like I did nothing with Alex. Why could I kill my father, whom I’d known and loved all my life and not Alex. I’d felt love for Alex, I still didn’t know what kind of love it really was. He’d certainly loved me. I think a lot more than I loved him. But still it hadn’t been for that long. If the doctor hadn’t acted, I would have been bitten.
“Reliving your glory?” A familiar disdainful voice said from behind me. I knew before I turned around that it was Nina.
“What do you want?” I asked with as much annoyance in my voice as I could muster. I really didn’t appreciate the interruption. Of course, I regretted asking the question immediately. I didn’t want to know what she wanted. All I wanted was to be left alone.
“I see the way you are with Seth and he and the others might be fooled, but I see right through you.” She glared at me as I stared back at her completely confused. “You don’t care about him or the boy. I always knew you’d end up getting one or more of us killed. I told them all as much and now it’s happened.
“What are you talking about?” I had no idea what she was going on about and the longer she badgered me the more my fight or flight instincts started to kick in. There had once been a time when I would have chosen flight. But now all I wanted to do was shut her up by breaking her jaw. Most people couldn’t trigger that in me. I hated conflict. But watching her stare me down, acting like she could read my mind; when she knew nothing about me, really pissed me off.
“Wes is dead because of you.”
“No Wes is dead because he and the others allowed the demons to escape.” It was probably a little harsh to blame the dead for what happened, but he was partly to blame. And I wasn’t going to just stand here and take the blame for something that wasn’t my fault.
“It was your plan that lead to this. It was your idea. And you’re the one who broke through the door, allowing Wes to be in the way. If you had just stayed out of the way he’d be alive. You’re destroying this group and I know why. It’s because you only care about your revenge.”
I stared at her seeing the rage burn through her eyes. I’d been wrong about her. She did care about this group. She may have acted cold and distant, but her actions weren’t consistent with someone who didn’t care. She caught me so off guard with her accusation, that I found myself stumbling to find the words to defend myself. She couldn’t have been more wrong. I loved them…not her of course…but the others I cared for more than I ever intended to. It was true, that originally, I did want to use the group until I healed enough to destroy a hive. But destroying this hive was not about my revenge. It was about the safety of the group. That always came before my revenge.
Before I could manage a retort, a familiar voice came to my defence. “That’s enough!” Seth’s accent boomed in the cold emptiness. “You have no right to accuse her of any of this. She’s not responsible for Wes’s death. That’s on me. You want to blame someone, then blame me.” I tried to stop Seth from sayi
ng anything else, but he wouldn’t let me. I hated that he still blamed himself. He’d been joking and smiling earlier, which made it easy to forget how much he was still hurting.
“The plan was hers. It’s been hers from the beginning,” Nina said jabbing her finger in my direction. It shouldn’t have gotten to me, but it did. I kept thinking about the way Wes had looked with his body all crumpled on the sidewalk…all the blood. Maybe he would still be alive, if I hadn’t needed to be in the mix of things.
Nina wasn’t backing down. But Seth wasn’t either. There’d only been a few moments when I’d witnessed his true strength come out and this was one of them. It was yet another reminder, of why he was the leader.
“Yes, she’s wanted them dead and for good reason. You yourself had the same desires when you came here. In fact, I can remember that was all you talked about. But with you it was all talk, no action.” Nina glared at him with a look that practically shot daggers. Either Seth didn’t notice, or he didn’t care. He wasn’t done. “She wanted to destroy a hive, but when she realized a hive was living so close to us her concern wasn’t for her revenge but for our safety. Yes, she wanted to be part of it and for the wrong reasons, but she’s been through a trauma. I would think you could relate to that.”
Nina’s composure broke showing a vulnerability in her, I didn’t realize she was capable of. I could see the anger in Seth fading. He took a deep breath trying to calm himself. “Nina, Wes’s death was an accident. He came here to help because he cared. He was for the plan and we were always going to have to remove the hive. We were just too busy studying it too recognize the threat it posed. If it weren’t for Amber, we might all be dead right now.
Nina’s front came back up as she sneered at the both of us. “You’re letting her plan our attacks, our research and you’re sleeping with her, but you don’t even know her real name. You’re a fool and you deserve the heartbreak that’s headed your way.” She stomped past us to the door, slamming it behind her. The noise echoed in empty air.
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