I had no idea where they even planned to bury Wes. The ground would have already started to freeze, which was going to make for a difficult dig and then there was the problem of the smell. Wes would attract wild animals looking for food, especially now that winter was making prey scarce. Thankfully, we didn’t have to worry about the infected, they left the dead alone. That was something that still bothered me, well a lot bothered me about the infected. They didn’t make any sense. They attacked us, but not to kill us. When we did die, they left us alone. Not that they wouldn’t be drawn in by the scent of death. I’d once witnessed one of the infected walk around a dead body sniffing and studying it, sure that it was about to dig in for a feast, but it simply walked away disinterested. No one even knew what the infected ate for that matter. We didn’t know if they were still omnivores or if they were more carnivorous in nature. They were an enigma. In that respect, I could hardly blame the doctor for wanting to study them.
A cold shiver ran through my body. The doctor was going to study Alex, or what used to be him. I had to stop thinking of him as Alex, he’d been infected and now Alex was gone. What was in his body was a demon. My mind was a jumble. I’d started seeing them differently once I saw Alex. I almost hoped the doctor could find a cure. That it really was just an infection. That somewhere inside his changing body, Alex’s soul remained. I had to shake that off. It wasn’t true. I knew it wasn’t true. I’d witnessed it too many times. They weren’t human anymore. They were demons.
Seth mistook my shiver for cold. He reached out to turn the heater up, but I stopped his hand before he reached the dial. “It’s not the cold,” I whispered. The other two men in the car pretended not to hear me. Seth nodded like he understood. He probably figured it was just the morbid situation we were in. Travelling with your dead friend under a tarp in the back of your flatbed truck, wasn’t exactly a leisurely excursion after all.
The sun blazed through the window, bringing warmth with it. The frost on the trees began to melt as we drove by. The roads were still very slick. They were frozen with a thin film of water on them, making the drive more treacherous. It was already a difficult task to maneuver through the sea of abandoned cars, rotting corpses and debris.
It took us more than an hour to reach our destination, because of how slowly we were forced to travel. When we finally stopped we were outside a large old graveyard, which looked rather fancy. It looked like it would have been an expensive place to be buried, back when people worried about things like money. My grandmother once told me, when we buried her that it was going to be in a handmade pine box. “I’ve spent enough money in life, I ain’t spending anymore in death,” she said. And that was what my dad did. She was buried out underneath her favourite cherry tree on our property. If we’d had the time Molly and I would have buried our parents next to her. Molly. I thought of her body just lying in that room next to the old subway tunnel. We rarely got the opportunity to bury our dead. When I lost Molly, I was on my own. I couldn’t bury her, even if I’d been thinking right enough to do so. I forced Molly out of my thoughts. I needed to focus on Seth today.
The ability to bury my friend was a special opportunity that I was grateful for. At least we’d know where he rested and that he could rest. Austin and Cletus carried Wes’s body through the cemetery as Seth helped me along. I was still adjusting to walking in the cast as it was and the watery ice wasn’t making it any easier. I was holding onto Seth far tighter than I felt comfortable with. Being so close to the heat of his body was bringing on the flashbacks that I wasn’t ready to deal with. I slipped once and when Seth caught hold of me our eyes met. And just for that moment, I was sure he was remembering the same thing. We both quickly recovered.
I wondered what their plan was for burying Wes. If they had a particular spot picked out or if we were just going to walk around until we found a spot. But they clearly knew where they were going. It felt like they’d travelled down these paths before. They knew exactly where the large ornate mausoleum was. I’d only read about mausoleums in books. They always felt like a creepy place to be. Something out of a ghost story. But this was the opposite of creepy. As Seth opened the heavy old wooden doors, I saw the sunlight catch the beautiful stained-glass windows. And when we walked in, it wasn’t like anything I’d imagined. It was bright and airy, despite the layers of dust that had accumulated over the years. There were stained glass windows covering the space between the top of the tomb stones and the ceiling. It was like walking around an art museum.
Austin and Cletus placed the body on the floor gently. “Austin and I can go grab a casket from the funeral home down the street, if you two just want to stay here,” Cletus offered.
Seth nodded silently in response. The two of us sat down on the large stone bench, that sat in the middle of the room. The walls in front of us and behind us were covered with names and dates. “Make sure to grab a plate marker,” Seth called after Cletus, before he and Austin closed the doors behind them. Cletus nodded back.
We sat silently just looking at the markers on the wall, trying to look anywhere but Wes’s body. I wondered where they would place Wes, until I noticed that several of the boxes on the wall were actually empty spaces. Just next to the first empty spot there was a name, with nothing else. It stood out from all the rest not only because of that but because it wasn’t as fancy as the others. It looked like someone had scratched the name into the metal plate. It simply said Laura, in large scratched in letters.
I stood up and walked towards it, placing my hand over the poorly rendered letters. The marks were made by a knife and one that hadn’t been the sharpest either from what I could tell.
“We didn’t know her last name,” Seth said surprising me. He’d walked up so silently that I hadn’t realized he was standing right behind me. “We didn’t know when she was born either, so we just decided to put her name.”
Looking at Seth he looked more drained than I’d ever seen him before and it wasn’t just losing Wes. This place seemed to be draining his emotional energy right out of him. “Was she part of your group?”
He sighed. “Only for three days. We didn’t find her in time, like we did with you. I don’t think she wanted to recover from that trauma.” It took me a moment to figure out what he was talking about. And then I remembered the three men that found me before he and Jane showed up. If they hadn’t been there…well I knew what would have happened to me. It was why my parents worked so hard to keep us separate from both humans and infected. Humans could be just as dangerous. I looked back at the name plate and felt an overwhelming sense of sadness for the girl I’d never known. No one should have to suffer like that. If that had happened to me, there wouldn’t have been any coming back. I seriously doubted I’d even have had the desire to get revenge on the infected.
“When we found her, they’d already been long gone. She must have tried to fight back because her fingernails were broken and bleeding from scratching her attackers. And they’d beaten her to the point, where they’d broken her nose and jaw. Doc tried to heal her physical injuries, but the emotional…well we don’t exactly have a psychiatrist in the group.”
I stared at the name on the plaque more intently. That could have easily been me. If Seth and Jane had shown up afterwards...I didn’t want to even think about that. This world was hard enough to find a reason to live without having to endure something like that.
I looked at Seth and tears were rolling down his cheeks. “When she woke on the way back to our place, we tried to calm her. Tried to assure her that we only wanted to help her. She said the same thing you did. She said ‘please’. I thought she was asking for us to help her, to save her. I didn’t realize until she’d gotten a hold of one of our guns and shot herself, that what she meant was for us to please let her die.”
“When I said please, did you know what I meant?”
Seth nodded. “Why do you think we were always around you, never leaving you alone? I wasn’t going to let you go without a fight.�
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“Why?” I asked completely confused. “You didn’t even know me.”
“No I didn’t, but I saw something different in you than I saw in her. She had already given up. It was in her eyes. But with you, there was still a tiny flame burning. I hoped if we built that flame up a bit, that maybe you might come back and find your own reason to go on.”
“And what do you see when you look into my eyes now?” I asked.
He touched my cheek gently. I felt heat radiate through my body. A little bit of the desire I’d felt the night before was burning its way through me. “Hope,” he smiled. When he kissed me, I didn’t pull away. I didn’t worry about the consequences. I went with it, because I felt the flame he was talking about and it was true. It was growing. Just being with Seth was bringing me slowly back to who I was. And I wanted to be me again.
Chapter Twenty
The ride home from the cemetery was strange. Seth held my hand back to our home the entire way. Cletus and Austin kept sneaking side glances, while trying not to smile. I’d never before been one for public displays of affection, not even with Alex. Molly hadn’t even known that we were officially together. It just wasn’t the way I grew up. My parents loved each other. But they didn’t make a habit of holding hands, hugging, or kissing in front of Molly or me. I knew they obviously did things like that, but it just wasn’t something that they shared with us. And hugging in our family was reserved for the women. My mother hugged us, and we hugged each other, but never our father. Holding hands was a new thing.
Even though I’d gone further with Alex then I had with Seth, I’d never held Alex’s hand. I would have thought my instinct would be to pull my hand back, but it was the exact opposite. From the moment Seth offered me his hand, I didn’t want to let it go. I wasn’t even embarrassed that Austin and Cletus were peering into this personal moment. It was almost like they weren’t there.
When we arrived home, I was sure I’d pull my hand out of Seth’s. It was one thing for me to show affection for Seth in front of Cletus and Austin. It was an entirely different thing for me to be so open with the rest of the group. So I surprised both Seth and myself when I held on firmly as we walked through the doors. I didn’t even mind the stares. Seth wore the biggest smile I’d seen him wear yet.
It wasn’t until night fell, that I worried maybe I’d been giving Seth the wrong impression. We’d kissed and held hands all day long and the night before we’d been half naked. I was terrified that he might invite me back to the other room to finish what we started. That wasn’t something I was ready for, though I’d seemed more than ready when I’d had a couple glasses of wine in me.
Seth didn’t make any such suggestion though. The only move he made, was to ask Clara if she wouldn’t mind switching sleeping mattresses with him. She was only too happy to oblige. She gave me a wink as she took her pillow with the rest of her belongings to the other side of the room.
I tried to hide the heat in my face. Thankfully, the lights had been dimmed for the evening, so I felt safe that Seth couldn’t see just how rosy my cheeks were. Despite the fact that I knew I wasn’t ready for a physical relationship with Seth, my body didn’t feel the same way. With Seth being so close to me, the desires I’d felt the night before burned inside of me. I had to keep reminding myself that it would be a huge mistake. I was already crossing the line. The closer I grew to Seth the more I hoped that I could believe in a future with him and for the community I now felt a part of.
We faced each other neither one saying anything. I figured after such an emotionally taxing day that Seth would want to go straight to sleep. It never worked that way for me. It didn’t matter how exhausted I was. My mind took forever to shut down. That and I was always listening for the demons.
So, when Seth spoke after the room had grown still and quiet, I jumped. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I was just waiting for everyone else to fall asleep.”
Oh great, I thought, he was just waiting for everyone to pass out before he asked me to sneak off and get naked again. My heart pounded loudly in my chest as sweat beaded on my forehead. I was just going to have to be blunt with him and tell him I wasn’t ready. But my body kept screaming at me to ignore my head. Thankfully, I was wrong.
“Are you okay with me sleeping next to you?” He asked. “I hope it wasn’t too presumptuous.”
“I don’t mind…” I hesitated to finish my sentence but decided it was best to be completely honest… “So long as you know that last night I…”
“You were drunk and I was drunk and we never should have let it go so far.” I was both shocked and relieved by what he said.
“I was worried you’d be upset.”
“Upset, no. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t disappointed. But I get it. And you’re right. We were rushing things. You’re still working through everything and I don’t want to push you to do what you’re not ready for.”
“So you’re saying you are ready?” I asked curiously.
“I’m a man, I’m always ready.” I laughed into my pillow so as not to wake my nearest neighbour. When I was able to settle myself enough to look at him again, he was looking at me in a way he never had before. I couldn’t figure out what he was thinking. He looked happy, but it was so much more than that. “So would it be too much for me to ask for a goodnight kiss at least.”
I bit my lip as I hesitated, then realizing that he didn’t specify what type of kiss I went for one I was sure wouldn’t stir up my already heightened libido. The quick peck I gave him on the lips, elicited a disappointed look from him. “That wasn’t what I meant,” he said with a cute little puppy pout on his lips.
“Well that’s the best I can give you right now.” As it was I was having a very difficult time pushing down the stirrings within me. Anymore and I didn’t know if I’d be able to stay strong in my resolve.
He sighed. I slowly closed my eyes figuring that our little conversation was over. But he wasn’t done. “If I can’t have a kiss then…maybe just a little feelsky?” I opened my eyes just in time to see his hand make the smallest booby squeezing gesture. I smiled as I rolled over. “Well then, maybe a little butt grab?” He asked.
“Goodnight,” I whispered trying not to laugh anymore. At least he was in a good enough mood to be making jokes, though I wasn’t entirely sure he was joking. One thing I was sure of, was if I started anything more than just a peck on the lips, I’d be back in that bed with him again and this time I didn’t think I could stop myself.
He was right. I wasn’t ready. My body wanted to be with him. My heart yearned to be near him. But my head was a mess. It only got worse when I fell asleep. My dreams were filled with all sorts of macabre scenarios, of Alex being experimented on by the doctor. I still had no idea how they were planning on setting up the old fertility clinic to run his tests. I didn’t want to know. I thought the less I knew, the better off I’d be. After all, I knew Alex wasn’t in that body anymore. So why did I keep thinking about him, worrying about him, imagining him suffering?
What made the dreams worse was that Molly was back. It wasn’t like other times. This time she wasn’t an active participant. She didn’t say much, she just watched my fears play out in my nightmares. She looked sad. Sadder than she’d appeared in my other dreams.
At some point in the night, for a reason I didn’t understand, my dreams shifted as did Molly’s demeanor. I was sitting in a field eating a picnic lunch with Seth. “Do you remember when we were little, we used to have picnics all the time?” Molly asked me finally speaking. She was smiling at Seth and me as she stood off under the shade of a nearby tree.
I was kneeling on the ground as Seth rested his head on my lap. He was nibbling on an apple and in between bites he rambled on about things that were completely superfluous. What I felt most was peace. There was no fear, just security. For some reason there were no more worries. It was like the war never happened; the virus never happened. We were living a normal life. My red curly hair hung
down my shoulders like I used to wear it when I was a kid. I’d started wearing it tucked in when Molly and I hit the road. Having it loose was dangerous, it gave people something to grab onto. But in this dream, I didn’t have those same concerns.
I even felt different within, like I wasn’t holding any of myself back. I ran my fingers through Seth’s golden hair, kissed him on his forehead, and smiled at him like I’d never smiled before. When I was little, before I knew about the world and what it had become, I used to dream about moments just like this. In those dreams I could be myself.
“This is you,” Molly spoke up again returning my focus to her. I’d almost forgotten she was there. “The way you were always meant to be. You can have this life if you let go. Seth can give it to you.”
I looked down at Seth who was still talking away, completely oblivious to Molly’s presence. A tear fell down my cheek. It was so hard to be like this with Seth, remembering how close I’d been with Alex. “Molly I thought I could have that with Alex. He promised to keep us safe. I thought our group could never fall apart, that we could be strong, stand together, create a safe place. I believed that. I don’t know how I can trust like that again.”
She sat down next to me placing her face against her fists, the way she used to in life whenever she was trying to think through a particularly difficult problem. She sat like that for a few moments and I just watched her thinking it through. Seeing her like that used to make me happy, but now it was just another reminder of what I missed about her. She sat back up as the light turned back on in her soft brown eyes. She smiled sadly at me. “I didn’t want to say this to you, ever. I was worried that if I did, you’d feel guiltier than you already do. I now know that you need to hear it.”
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