Seeking Daylight

by Becky Poirier

  I stood there stunned unable to come up with anything, desperately trying to look anywhere but Seth’s eyes. Out of the corner of my eye I could see Seth watching me, searching for something, maybe a reaction. My walls shot up, trying to block him from seeing just how crappy I felt. It was Nina. She didn’t know what she was talking about. For whatever reason, I was her target for all her mental issues. But not everything she said was a lie.

  “I’m sorry she did that. She had no right. I’ll have a talk with her and make sure that she knows just how off she was. I promise you that I haven’t told her or anyone else that we’re sleeping together, but I’ll make sure that she knows the truth.”

  I smiled back at him. Of course, that would be what he was worried about, that I’d get upset and pull away again. “Technically we kind of are.” He looked back at me confused. “I do roll into your arms every time we’re asleep beside each other, so that’s kind of sleeping together.”

  “Not in the fun way,” he retorted but then tried to quickly backtrack. I could see his mind racing trying to fix what he thought he’d done wrong. “I’m sorry. I’m such an idiot. I don’t mean to rush things.”

  “Shut-up already. You can stop walking on eggshells around me. I’m not the same person I was when we met. I’m not going to snap at you for every stupid thing that comes out of your mouth. You’re a man after all. It’s going to happen on a daily basis.” To that he laughed. And I smiled. I liked it when he laughed. Because in those little moments, it was like the world was actually normal.

  The wind snapped up again, bringing with it a little bit of freezing rain. I shivered as my hair blew away from my neck, causing the cold air to raise goosebumps. “What are you doing up here anyways?” He asked noticing my poor winter attire.

  “I just needed to think.” Maybe it was what I said or maybe I was looking at the spot without knowing it, but he looked down in the direction of the claw marks. And when his eyes met mine again there was that look that he had, when Matthew mentioned the way the demon wearing Alex’s body looked at me. The longer we stayed on the roof, the more danger I was in of having him put the pieces together. “It’s freezing out here. Let’s go inside,” I said changing the subject.

  He looked like he wanted to pry further, but he knew better than to do that. He held out his hand for me and I took it, allowing him to lead me back into the warmth of the building.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  A week had gone by since the attack. I didn’t ask what was going on with the experiments. I didn’t want to know, and Seth didn’t offer up any information. The only way to keep from dreaming about Alex and his new state, was to sleep in Seth’s arms but that wasn’t always possible. Two people needed to stay with the ‘subject’ at all times. It was always the doctor and one other person, normally Kyle. But Doc didn’t think Kyle was in the right frame of mind to be around Alex all the time. He said he was suffering from PTSD. Who wasn’t? But Seth saw the necessity to give Kyle a break twice during that week.

  The first night without Seth, I barely slept at all. The dreams had me waking up in a cold sweat. Molly would visit from time to time, but she was becoming less real to me. It was almost like she was struggling to hold onto our connection. And the more she faded, the more I believed that she was real. That she was my sister’s spirit, really trying to help me through everything. In the beginning I’d done all I could to avoid her presence. It only brought more pain. Now when I needed her most, she was there as an observer. But that only made everything more painful. I needed to talk to her. I felt myself closing off just like before. Seth used to be able to draw me out, but it was getting harder for him to do. Even Matthew couldn’t put a smile on my face anymore. I felt myself sinking back into that pit I’d been in when I’d lost Molly. It had taken so long to crawl out and I wasn’t sure I had the energy to do it again.

  The second night Seth decided to go help out Doc, I actually begged him not to go. He thought I was concerned for his safety, which only made me feel guilty for the selfishness of my real reason. He assured me that he and Doc were taking every precaution and that things were going well. That was the only update, I received at all. I figured Seth wanted to keep me out of it for good. At least until he had something concrete to show me.

  After my second night without him, I was shocked to see him bright and early the next morning holding a thick winter coat for me. Nina had scowled in my direction when she realized where I was going. She hadn’t been included in any of the study, at least not to my knowledge. She probably hated being left out of the important decisions and hated me more for being included now. I, on the other hand, was still questioning my decision to come along. I could have made up some lame excuse. Maybe it was out of some morbid curiosity. But for whatever reason, I needed to see him. Even if it would be the last time, which I assured myself it was. I’d let go of Alex the day my sister died, or so I thought. I’d hated him for abandoning us, but still I couldn’t shake his image from my mind.

  My body shivered in spite of the thick winter jacket I wore. For the time of year, the weather really wasn’t that bad. We’d had a tiny cold snap and then a warm system had moved through. There was no snow on the ground and not so much as a breeze in the air today. My body shook all the same.

  “I don’t get why I’m here.” There really wasn’t a purpose to me being a part of the experiment. It wasn’t like I could actually add anything at this point. The location was my contribution. I had no background in medicine and science. My education relied completely on the home schooling my mother had for me. From what I figured, I had at best a tenth-grade education. My mother hadn’t graduated from high school, and she didn’t have much access to resource material, so she taught my sister and I the best she could.

  “You said you needed a reason to fight, to stay with us. What you need is hope. That’s why we’re here. Inside is hope.”

  “Hope is a dilapidated fertility clinic?” I asked sarcastically knowing full well he was talking about the experiment. The building was in worse shape than I remembered it. They’d boarded up most of the broken windows. Bars were placed over others. It had always been covered in graffiti, as far as I could remember. There was a lot of spray-painted messages about the end of the world, no hope for a future. So, it was funny that here we were and he thought hope existed in that building. For me, the only thing that existed in that building were questions I didn’t think I could get the answers to. I wasn’t sure that I really wanted them at all. Sometimes ignorance really was bliss. I didn’t know if this visit would make the nightmares go away once and for all or make them worse.

  The old clinic sign was smashed on the ground. The shattered shards of glass from the old windows littered the ground around the concrete building. It looked like every other building in this retched city…hopeless. How could hope be found here? It was a waste of my time. I didn’t understand why I even let Seth talk me into this. Not only was it a waste of time, but it was only bound to make things worse. I was trying to find hope where we lived. That needed to be enough, but Seth didn’t think it was. The longer I stood outside, the more I knew I didn’t want to be in this awful place.

  So why was I here? Did I actually want to hope for a cure? No. That was silly. I’d given up on that years ago. That was a childish fantasy. I’d indulged Doc and Seth so I could get what I wanted. I told myself that I was just humouring Seth, so that he would finally give it up. He was being enormously stubborn about what he called my ‘suicidal’ tendencies. Apparently, he wasn’t sold on my change of heart. The truth was that I still questioned it, especially after my visits from Molly. It was getting harder to bear. When I was with Seth, I almost felt like I could move on. When he was away and she was back, I did think it would be easier to just end it. It was hard to imagine I could ever truly be happy in a world where my sister didn’t exist.

  “It may not look like much; I’ll give you that. You warned us it was a mess and you weren’t wrong. We’ve been hard at
work and I think you’ll find hope is waiting for you just on the other side of those doors. Just trust me,” he said offering his hand to me. Normally when he offered his hand to me, I took it without hesitation, but this time was different. He didn’t know what I knew. He didn’t know that the man I’d once called my friend, my lover, my fiancé was waiting on the other side of those doors. So, reaching back out for his hand, was the bravest thing I’d ever done.

  Seth pulled aside the door, which had long since come off its hinges and gently led me inside. He let go of my hand only for a moment, so that he could pull the door back into place. I gave him a questioning look. After all they’d gone to the trouble of fixing the windows. Why leave the door askew? “We can’t exactly have others finding out what we’re doing here. We want it to still look abandoned. It’s doubtful others would think anything useful could be found in a building like this. And by others, I mean…”

  “You mean other humans.” And I doubted that was true. It was a medical facility after all. The only reason I knew of its existence, was because Alex and I had once raided it in search of medical supplies. We’d come away with some bandages and that was about it. We hadn’t been the first to think the building was useful. I decided that later I would advise him of his misjudgement. For now, my mind was on other things.

  “Why are you worried about other humans?” It seemed a strange concern to worry about other humans stumbling on the experiment. Yes, some groups were dangerous. But what if they could have more help, wouldn’t they want it? Maybe there were other doctors out there, with a better understanding of virology than our dear Doc. Besides, Doc, Kyle and Seth must have been exhausted by now. I was still more worried about a hive finding us there, than humans. We hadn’t seen any other humans in more than a month.

  “Because in the off chance another group found us, I doubt they’d understand. I’m praying that you will and that you will believe. For a while I was questioning whether we were doing the right thing. But now I’m certain of it.”

  He put his hand in mine again. It was warm and a little clammy. Did I actually make him nervous, after all that we’d done together?

  “I see you brought our guest,” came Doc’s voice from down the darkened hallway.

  “How’s the patient?” Seth asked as Doc came strolling into the light. He didn’t look exhausted at all. Which really surprised me. From what I’d gathered, he wasn’t exactly sleeping very much, and he hadn’t once left the clinic.

  “Amazing. He seems to actually understand what I’m telling him and more than that he can respond. Though it is very difficult for him to do so.” Doc’s smile was the biggest I’d ever seen him wear. Seth looked shocked. “Come, you have to see it for yourself.” He waved us forward as he disappeared down the hall. My feet hesitated for just a moment. Whatever they’d done to Alex, Doc believed he was onto something, but that didn’t calm me any. My heart was racing in my chest.

  Seth’s hand locked around mine even tighter. “Whatever you do, don’t make any sudden movements or threatening gestures.” I looked up at him searching his eyes for answers. But he was just as good at putting up walls as I was. “I promise you’ll be safe.” I nodded hesitantly as I allowed him to guide me the rest of the way down the dark hallway after Doc. Maybe I was physically safe, but I wasn’t so sure about emotionally or mentally.

  There was something about the feel in this place that didn’t sit right, like I was heading into an ambush. You’ll be okay, I heard Molly’s voice whisper softly to my mind. It had been so long since I’d heard her sweet voice, I’d almost forgotten the sound of it. There was an effort to her speech that hadn’t been common before, like it was a struggle just to say those few simple words. It was so quiet, not at all like my dreams. I wasn’t even sure if I heard anything. A knot was slowly growing in my stomach, with each step down the dank dark hallway. He was close. My heart pounded so loudly I was sure that Seth could hear it, but he didn’t say a word. I had nothing more to fear. My worst fears had already come true. So why was I so anxious? This was nothing in comparison to losing my sister.

  A dim light was emanating from under a swinging door. I could hear the rapid beating of medical equipment, whispered voices. The aching in my chest got worse. Now I knew I didn’t want to enter this room, but my body wasn’t obeying my commands to stop. Seth released my hand placing his on the small of my back, gently pushing me forward. My hand hesitantly pushed open the door.

  The room was dark except for a pale blue lamp. It was just enough light to reveal what lay in the hospital bed. My breath caught in my throat. There he was, strapped down tightly to the bed. “I assure you he’s quite sedated,” I heard Doc say distantly. His voice sounded hollow. He must have mistaken my hesitation for fear instead of shock. It wasn’t anything like the night on the roof.

  I moved forward; sure I was mistaken by what I thought I was seeing. My legs suddenly stopped mid stride, just before I reached the side of the bed. He looked so different like this, so calm. Almost human. I’d played it over and over again in my mind, trying to tell myself that it hadn’t been Alex on the roof. That I’d made that up. But it was him. There was no denying it now. Even with the way he looked now, I knew who he had been. His clothes may have been little more than rags now, but I could see them the way they had looked on the last day we were together. The blue jeans had hugged him perfectly everywhere it counted. His tight green tee clung to his body. Now they were torn, tufts of hair growing out. He was so still. I’d never seen his kind so still. Normally they were thrashing at you with their claws and teeth when they were near you. You’d be running so fast for your life, that they looked like little more than a furry blur.

  Doc was mumbling off in the background. I couldn’t hear a word he was saying. The demon looked from Doc to me, and stared at me like he knew me, just like he had on the roof. But he couldn’t, the memories of the bodies didn’t survive. Nothing of the human survived. That was what I’d always been taught. The eyes that were concentrated on me, weren’t the deep brown they once had been. Now they were blood red with only a hint of brown around his enlarged pupils, but they still looked like his eyes. His hair was shaggy like it had been, a little longer perhaps. His nails pointed into the beginnings of claws; they were still small. But even so, he’d managed to do some damage to the roof even without them being fully developed yet.

  Doc’s voice started to come through to me. “He looks to be about at the six-week transformation mark. His claws haven’t fully grown in yet as you can see. From what I know of the little study that was conducted at my hospital, that should happen in another four to six weeks. Of course, transformation depends on age as well. The younger you are when infected, the faster you turn. I witnessed a toddler, at the beginning of the epidemic, turn in less than a week. He was fully transformed. But this guy here I think he’s about mid-twenties.” Twenty-four, I said to myself.

  I nodded absently. The demons face was still flat, not protruding like it soon would be, but his teeth had already grown sharper. I could see them clearly even though he wasn’t baring them at me. I knew from prior experience, that it only took a matter of twenty-four hours for the fangs to come in. That was one of the first physical changes. It was why the virus spread so quickly.

  Doc had stopped talking now. I could feel his and Seth’s eyes trained on me, but I couldn’t pull my own away from the demon. He was looking at me with Alex’s eyes…like he actually knew who I was, like he cared. They were so intense. And I had to be mistaken but I was almost certain I saw water in his eyes. As if he was on the verge of crying. His mouth started to move slowly; his chest rose as a sound began to rise out of him. It wasn’t the ear-piercing howling sound I was used to hearing from his kind. “Paige,” he croaked.

  My hand flew up to my mouth. I felt sick. And without a second thought, I ran out of the room down the hall as fast as I could with my walking cast, smashed through the door and landed on the front grass with my knees tucked up underneath me.
The bile rose up fast. I had no chance to try and stop it. My stomach heaved; my face felt like it might explode if I didn’t stop. All this time I had managed to keep myself so composed, but now there was no holding it in. My face felt wet. With shaking hands, I brushed the tears away from my cheek.

  I put my hands over my face to stop myself from screaming. The tears kept coming; the ones I’d thought had run out. I moaned out in agony, as I rocked back and forth. I was so wrapped up in myself, in the shock of hearing Alex say my name, that I didn’t even here Seth as he approached me.

  “Paige? That’s your name?” Seth asked placing his hand on my shoulder.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I sobbed louder, completely unable to control myself. My body shook hard against any attempt I tried to control the noise. All the emotions I’d managed suppress over the last couple of months, flooded out of me. I wailed into my hands.

  Seth crouched behind me trying to hold me. I shook him off. “Pleeease,” I cried. I didn’t want him to see me like this. I didn’t want anyone seeing me like this, but especially not him. I’d always been able to keep up the façade of strength and now that it was crumbling, I couldn’t imagine what he’d think of me. He’d think I was weak.

  I knew he had more questions and I just couldn’t answer them. There’d been so much I’d kept to myself in order to hold myself together. If I let it go, I wasn’t sure that I could handle the pain that would come with it. This was already more than I had bargained for. But I had pleaded with him before and it hadn’t worked. I didn’t expect him to answer my plea this time, so I wasn’t surprised when he sat down and forcefully pulled me into his arms.