Seeking Daylight

by Becky Poirier

  He picked out which artery he wanted me to slice through, even informing me of the pressure needed to reach it effectively. I placed the blade against the pulsing artery. But before he let me do the deed, he wanted one last word with me.

  The sedative was making it hard for him to focus on what he wanted to tell me, so I sat back down allowing the knife to rest on my lap. I was surprisingly grateful for the reprieve as I waited patiently for him to put his thoughts together. The whole time, all I wanted was to get back to Seth. I felt sick being so far apart from him, especially knowing just how much this whole situation was killing him inside. I’d gone through it myself not too long ago and it nearly killed me. If he hadn’t fought so hard to bring me back to myself, I would have died. I only hoped I could be there for him now.

  When Doc finally spoke, I was surprised by what he said. “You’ve always belonged with us. You need to know that. Seth saw it from the beginning and so did I.” I raised my eyebrow with a wry smile. He smiled back at me. “I wanted you to fight to be with us. That’s why I was the way I was with you…plus you pissed me off by not supporting my plan.”

  I shifted my eyes around the room trying to avoid the obvious. This only made him laugh. “This has got to be the strangest situation I’ve ever been in. You’re making it hard to kill you. You do realize that?” I guessed it shouldn’t be easy to kill anyone at all, but that was the way the world was now. You were either the hunter or the hunted.

  He smiled even wider. “That’s not my intent. What I’m trying to say is that now you see what Seth and I saw. You know you belong and not just with the group.” The lighthearted nature of our conversation fled. Doc was all seriousness now. “He loves you. Do you feel the same way now?” I nodded unable to speak. This conversation was bringing on emotions that I still wasn’t entirely comfortable with facing. There were tears burning in my eyes again. I quickly brushed them away. Doc smiled again. “Good, it’s about time you figured that out. Now before you get on with ending my suffering, I have one last thing to ask of you. Don’t stop.”

  “Don’t stop what?”

  “Loving him of course. I get how scary it can be to open your heart again. But trust me, it’s better to take the risk than to just keep on surviving. He’s going to need you more than ever now. Love him, care for him, protect him. You were right about a lot of things. We haven’t been through what you have. But that’s why I know you can get them through this next battle. You survived something very similar. You know what it takes.”

  I shook my head. I wasn’t worthy of that statement. It wasn’t so much like I was a survivor, but in the constant position to be rescued. “I survived because other people helped me. If it were just me, I’d be dead. I don’t know how to help them.”

  Doc had the same annoying look Seth often wore. It was a look that said there was something he wasn’t going to say to me because he wanted me to figure it out. “You’ve got the knowledge, you’ve got the skills, you’ve got the group, and now you have someone worth fighting for. Don’t let them down.” I waited for him to add something else, like maybe how I was supposed to save everyone. What it was exactly, he expected me to do. But instead he simply said, “Okay you can kill me now.” Just like that I was supposed to end his life. He really had made it difficult. He closed his eyes in anticipation. It almost looked like he was about to fall asleep, not go to his grave.

  I waited and watched as Doc’s life faded before I dared to leave the room, the whole time my body shook. It wasn’t like it had been with my sister. With Molly I’d cried for well over an hour as I held her lifeless body and then at some point, I’d just gone numb completely forgetting to care. With Doc I was present the whole time knowing just how much this was going to affect not only Seth but the whole group. And selfishly I was terrified of how they’d all look at me, once they’d learned I was the one to end his life.

  I was most terrified to face Seth. Even though the last thing I wanted to do was see his face, knowing that he knew I’d killed his best friend, the man who’d practically been a father to him. I couldn’t delay the inevitable. Doc was right. We were running out of time. Whatever we were going to do, it had to happen quickly.

  Before I left the office, I made sure to thoroughly clean Seth’s knife. When I emerged from the building, Seth was already sitting in the truck with the engine running. Normally Seth would have hopped out in an instant to open the door for me and make sure I got in okay. But Seth was zoned out, staring out the windshield. It took a moment before he realized I was even in the truck.

  “We can go now,” I said softly. I fumbled uncomfortably with the knife in my hand as I did up my seatbelt. I wasn’t sure what to do with it. It felt weird to offer it back to him. He probably didn’t want to be anywhere near the thing. I placed it awkwardly on my lap.

  “It’s okay,” he finally said looking over at me. “You can give it back to me now.” His face was blank, though his eyes were red and swollen. I pretended not to notice. Hesitantly my shaking hand passed him back his weapon. I did my best to keep the shaking to a minimum, hoping he wouldn’t notice. He slid the knife into his belt as he kept his face blank. I should have been relieved, but I felt just the opposite. The restraint he was showing in hiding his emotions felt all too familiar. I hated it on him. This wasn’t Seth. Still I wasn’t like him, I didn’t think I was capable of pulling him out of this numbness. Even if Doc was sure I could. If he pulled out of it, it would be of his own volition.

  The roads were every bit as slick as the sidewalks, making our way back home both terrifying and dreadfully long. A couple of times we nearly slid into abandoned cars. Thankfully, Seth knew how to drive in these conditions. He managed to maneuver out of the skid just at the last second.

  The atmosphere in our vehicle was no less tense, than the driving conditions. I wanted to say something, but I couldn’t think of anything useful. When it was just Molly and me, I was good at comforting, but somehow; I’d lost all those skills in only a couple of months. I kept my mouth shut. He was focused on the roads and avoiding a collision. All I wanted to do was ask him what Doc had intended for us to do with the maps he’d drawn out. It felt like we were in two separate vehicles, or worse worlds apart. We’d been so close only the night before. Now it felt like all the hope we’d had for the future had vanished in only a few short hours. My chest hurt as I stared at the road, trying to focus on anything else but the pain.

  Pulling up to our home, was no less stressful than it had been at the fertility clinic. I half expected to find our building and the people torn up. Seth looked just as anxious. Thankfully all our fears were put aside when we were met by Jane and Kyle at the door. Kyle had been holding a gun at the ready but dropped it the instant he saw us. The relief on their faces only made the pain in my chest worse.

  They both kept looking at the truck after Seth and I emerged. Watching the hope fade from their eyes, when they realized that Doc wasn’t with us, was almost enough to push the tears to the surface again. With a great deal of effort, I pushed them back down.

  “I don’t understand. What happened?” Jane asked.

  Seth simply shook his head. “I’m only going to be able to say it once, so we need to gather everyone together.” Kyle looked like he was about to argue the point, but Jane shushed him and ordered him to bring everyone to the common area. Kyle huffed back up the steps and disappeared inside the building.

  “Are you two alright?” she asked when Kyle was out of sight.

  I looked to Seth to answer. “Physically yes,” was all he said. He reached out for my hand. Without hesitation I took hold of it. His hand was clammy and shaking. It was then that I realized he wasn’t offering to support me like he normally did, but rather asking for my support. I held on to his hand firmly as we walked back into our home.

  We were met with stares and questions whenever we bumped into a strangler heading towards the common room. Thankfully, Jane took command of the situation pushing them off so that Seth and
I could catch our breath.

  Seth and I stood back as Jane entered the room. Everyone else was gathered together. We could hear the low hum of their voices mingling together. Seth looked like he was going to be sick. “I don’t know if I can face them. Or if I can lead them anymore.”

  He stared back at me, with tears filling his eyes. Back in the truck I couldn’t find the words. I couldn’t remember what it was that I’d said and done all those years to help my sister, but somehow now facing him on the verge of a breakdown, I found that part of me I thought I’d lost when I’d lost Molly. All the years of supporting my sister, instilling confidence in her, came rushing back to me. Suddenly the words flowed out of me without any effort at all. “Not only can you do this; you are going to do this. They need you. They look up to you, they trust you. That didn’t just happen. You earned their trust.”

  “I don’t feel like I deserve it. I’ve made too many mistakes. The cost is too high.”

  “Everyone makes mistakes. And if anyone else had been in charge we could have faced the same results or worse. The fact is, we can’t know. There’s nothing we can do to fix what’s happened. But we can protect the rest. But only if you get a grip.” The tears in his eyes faded away as a look of shock and awe replaced his morose features. “Tomorrow we can mourn. Today we need to prepare. You need to go in there and tell them what we’re doing.”

  “But…”

  “No buts,” I said pushing him towards the door. He didn’t fight me. He simply took a deep breath, wiped his eyes to make sure all signs of tears were gone and then with his shoulders back, standing tall he, walked through the door.

  I made sure when I entered the room to find a spot where Seth could see me easily. I felt eyes on me as I crossed the room, but I ignored them all. That didn’t stop Matthew from running up to me and wrapping his arms tightly around me. I looked over at Jane and she was busy pretending not to notice. I just shook my head wondering if she would ever get over our little tiff. “We were so worried. I thought you weren’t coming back,” Matthew exclaimed.

  “I’m fine Matthew. We’ll talk later, but right now we need to listen to Seth.” He didn’t like not having answers, but he listened to me and took up a seat at my feet as I leaned against the wall for support.

  Seth cleared his throat and then slowly, looking in any direction, but the crowds’ eyes began to tell them what had happened. He told them about where we had been, leaving out the intimate details of course. Then he got to the hard part. The moment people realized what had happened to Doc and to Alex, the fear spread through the room like wildfire.

  Matthew shook where he sat clinging to my good leg for support. “Are they going to find us?” He asked with a whimper in his voice. I tried to shush him.

  I didn’t know what to say to comfort him. The answer of course was yes. But just stating the obvious wasn’t going to calm his nerves. He needed to be scared, but not scared helpless. We didn’t have the time to worry about what was coming, only to prepare for it. Jane had been right to shield him somewhat, but not as much as he was. He was completely unprepared for what we were about to face, as was most of the group. The majority of the people here had only survived this long because of the strength of others in the group. We’d already lost two of our strongest members. We couldn’t afford to lose anymore.

  No one was listening to Seth speak anymore. They were all talking over each other. It felt way too familiar. I could see the fear taking over all rational thought. People were busy arguing one with another. Some wanted to run right away but had no idea where to even run to. Kyle said we should defend our sanctuary with our lives, if we died then so be it. Some others thought our best bet would be to hide in the makeshift hospital room. The latter was the dumbest idea I’d ever heard of. That place would be torn apart by the infected with very little effort. It wasn’t like the panic room, which was what those suggesting the idea were basing their theory of survival on.

  Seth looked helpless. He’d all but given up trying to control the group. He had a plan. I knew he had a plan, Doc’s plan. Doc had two days to think it up. And Seth obviously thought it was a sound one. I trusted Doc, I trusted Seth. I only wished he trusted himself.

  Of all the conversations going on, strangely enough Nina was completely silent. She sat near the back avoiding everyone. I stared at her for a moment waiting for a spark to light up in her. For her to let everyone know exactly what she thought, but she just sat there with the same defeated look Seth wore.

  Seeing Nina and Seth like that, and the group falling apart lit something in me. “EVERYONE JUST SHUT-UP!” I yelled at the top of my lungs. The whole group fell silent immediately. Even Matthew, who’d began bawling, wiped his tears away and sat up attentively.

  I walked towards Seth who was watching me intently, unsure of what I was going to say to fix this mess. “Everyone needs to stop now. This thing you’re doing, yelling at each other, arguing with each other…I’ve been through it before. And it didn’t work out for my old group.” Everyone was staring at me now. They’d never heard me speak about my old group. They assumed I had one. No one survived on their own anymore.

  I continued having their undivided attention. “Some were turned, others died…” I choked a little on the last word before gathering my courage again, “and if anyone else survived I don’t know, because they ran only caring for themselves. They took what they wanted and left. Some of them had been together since the beginning of the outbreak, but when it came to facing the attack, they fell a part, divided. That is not how we survive this crisis. We can only make it through this if we stick together. Now Doc had time to think of a plan for us to survive this and he gave it to us, but if you don’t all stop arguing right now, we won’t have time to do anything about it. If you don’t listen, then you will have wasted his sacrifice. We’ve already lost too much. I for one, am not willing to lose anyone else.” I looked over at Kyle who even with his manly stature looked like he was ready to cry. “Everyone, shut the hell up and let Seth finish.”

  Immediately everyone sat back down in an orderly fashion. If the situation weren’t so dire, I might have laughed. “They’re all yours now,” I said to Seth has I headed back to my spot.

  To my surprise Seth actually smiled at me. And when I took up my position behind Matthew, the child was completely calm. Seth was looking at me with a look I’d seen on my mother’s face often…it was one of pride. For the first time, in a long time, I felt like I deserved that look.

  Seth hesitated only for a moment, before shedding his doubts. This time when he stood up taller it wasn’t an act. The confidence was back, and I liked him like that. “Doc has a plan for us and not just a way to survive this night or just to survive in general,” he said. “But he has a plan for us to live again. He may have only had a week to study the infected properly, but he learned a lot, not only in that week. But also, in the time which we observed the hive we destroyed. It was enough for him to figure out, how we can both exist in this world, without having to risk constant conflict.

  “The plan is detailed and though I know everyone will want to hear it now, I’m not going to tell it to you.” A grumbling began to roll through the crowd again. I was ready to open my mouth once more, but I didn’t need to.

  Instead Nina stood up, “Enough!” She shouted. “We don’t have time for this. I trust Seth and I trust Doc. If they say, there’s a good plan, then we all need to believe there is. But we can’t plan for a future unless we can make it through the night.”

  Seth and I both stared at her stunned. She wasn’t exactly known for agreeing with the leadership decisions. Seth cleared his throat. “Nina is right. We need to survive tonight. With winter here, the nights have grown longer, so we have limited time to prepare. There’s not enough time for us to evacuate and take our supplies with us. And if we leave our supplies behind, I know they’ll destroy them. We only have one choice and that’s to stay and defend our home. Doc came up with several ideas for both defen
ce and offence. He divided us up by skill set. He did all this while trying to prevent giving into the change. We owe it to him to make this work. I have a list of our assignments. I’m going to post it on the wall. Once you’ve found your task or tasks as some of you will have multiple, please don’t hesitate to get started. You may ask questions; but remember we don’t have a lot of time for chatter.”

  With that said he moved to the far wall just off the kitchen and taped the piece of paper to the wall. Everyone was looking at each other, still trying to take everything in, not really comprehending the gravity of the situation. While the others sat around absorbing, three of us moved forward. I knew I wouldn’t hesitate to follow Seth, but I was surprised by the people on my right and left. Frank smiled at my quizzical look, while Nina gave me a curt businesslike nod.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  My hands were ice cold, which was making preparing the weapons we had very difficult. I kept having to take breaks to rub my hands together in a futile attempt to warm them up. We had gloves of course, but they were too thick to wear while handling such deadly devices. I kept shaking my fingers out to get feeling back into the tips. Cletus was having the same issues with his hands, but at least the rest of him was warm enough with the extra layers of what he referred to as his blubber. I on the other hand, was shaking despite the warm coat I was wearing.

  The heaters had all been shut off and everyone had gone to dressing in as many layers as they could. There were too few to spread around and more importantly we needed to conserve our power. We had no idea how long the power stores would last. We didn’t think they’d last long enough to get us through the night, especially with the lofty plan that some of the others were undertaking to mount our defence. Seth and Kyle were busy harvesting parts from other buildings to set up a series of booby traps, one of them being an electrical barrier. They weren’t sure how long it would hold though once the infected started to hurl themselves at it. It was likely that they’d sacrifice a few in order to short out the system. That was where our guns would come in. While we had a lot of them, there weren’t a whole lot of people in our group who were talented with them.