“I cannot wait for you to knock me up.” I grab his face to kiss him again, and I may never stop.
We pull away from each other when we hear the patio door slide open and Finn’s little voice. “Ewww. Why are you guys kissing?” His face is painted green with one big eye in the center and a huge smiling mouth full of teeth.
“He had something on his mouth,” I say. “I was just wiping it off. With my mouth.”
Finn wrinkles his nose. That seems to be the only reaction I’m getting from children today. “That’s not what you were doing.”
“I couldn’t breathe, so she was giving me mouth-to-mouth.”
“Was not. You guys are gross.”
“Oh, buddy,” Keaton says. “You have no idea.”
“What’s going on out here?” Aimee pokes her head out, assesses the situation, and smiles. “All good?”
“It’ll be fine,” I say as casual as I can be, knowing that I’m engaged and Keaton has a priceless blue diamond ring in his pocket.
Chase pops out behind them. “S’up, guys?”
“Oh, you know,” Keaton says, standing up and pulling me up with him. “Just Roxy being Roxy.”
He picks up our beers, and we follow the McKays inside.
I get another flash of images and feelings, this time of our whole future life together.
Kids and dogs and friends and family. A wedding with strings of warm white lights, and for once I know for certain who my date will be. Parties and play dates and holidays. Messes and triumphs and untranslatable words and perfect moments of silence. I want it all with this man, and I’m going to give him everything I have to give.
I reach behind myself so he can take my hand. He leans down and whispers in my ear, “We don’t have to stay behind to help clean up, do we?”
“Hell no. Nina and Bernadette are on clean-up duty. We’re going to your place to have sex in one hour.”
He hands me my beer. “Prepare your uterus for greatness, future wife.”
“Prepare your penis for battle, future husband.” We clink bottles again.
“God, I love you. We’re going to break every bed we sleep in.”
EPILOGUE – Keaton
**Two Years Later**
“It’s a square!” Bernie yells out. “WALL-E!”
“How do you get WALL-E from a square?” Matt mutters, thoroughly amused by her.
“He has a square body!”
“Oh my gosh, draw faster!” their daughter Harriet blurts out.
Finn ignores them and continues carefully drawing another square on the upright dry erase board while the sand from the one-minute hourglass falls.
“It’s a TV!” Vince offers. “Poltergeist!”
“That’s not a family movie!” Nina hisses from across the room.
“It’s about a family! It’s fun!”
“Is that a book?” Harriet jumps up. “The Jungle Book! Harry Potter! The Secret Garden! Alice in Wonderland! Nancy Drew!”
Finn keeps shaking his head and frowning at Harriet.
“Charlie and the Chocolate Factory! Draw something else! Something different! Oh my God, is anyone going to help me out?”
“It’s a recipe book!” Graziella McKay shouts. “Ratatouille!”
“If it was Ratatouille, he’d draw a rat.” Sean nudges his wife.
“You don’t know this! He’s a clever boy!”
“Oh, it’s a box! WALL-E!” Bernie covers her husband’s mouth before he can make fun of her. “I love that movie.”
Finn signals for them to keep going.
“Is it a toy box?” Harriet squeals. “Toy Story! Toy Story Two! Oh no, is it Toy Story Three? That one’s sad!”
Finn keeps shaking his head and signaling to keep going.
“It’s a boxing movie!” Sean yells out. “Rocky!”
Chase slowly turns his head to look at me. I slowly turn my head to look at Roxy. She blatantly ignores us and tries to keep her eyes glued to the dry erase board, where Finn decides to start drawing a happy face and then an arrow pointing from the head to the box.
“Time!” Nina calls out.
“It better not be Seven,” Chase grumbles.
“It was Seven!”
“Seven?” Harriet throws her hands up in the air. “That’s not a movie!”
“It’s not a kids’ movie, that’s for sure.” Aimee gives Roxy and me the stink eye. “Who put that title in the basket?”
“I did!” Finn says.
Chase and Aimee glare at me.
“We have not let him watch it yet—tell ’em, Finnegan!”
“I haven’t seen it yet. I just know there’s a head in a box, and I really want to see it!”
“Seven? That’s a number!” Harriet’s fists are on her hips. It’s her most common stance whenever she’s talking to Finn now. “You’re supposed to make it easy for us so our team can win! Why didn’t you just go like this?” She swipes the pen from him and makes seven slashes on the board. “You’re seven years old! Joni’s seven! I’m seven! You could have just pointed at me!”
Finn erases everything on the board. “Why would I point at you? The title wasn’t Smelly Poopie Head Who Thinks She Knows Everything and Talks Too Much!”
Chase and Matt exchange looks. Bernie and Aimee exchange looks. We are all aware that one day the McKays and the McGoverns may be related by marriage. I can’t wait to have a man-to-man talk with my godson one day about the pros and cons—but mostly pros—of marrying a beautiful mouthy lady who makes your blood boil.
I lock eyes with my lovely wife.
Roxy fudging Bridges.
We’ve enjoyed a number of beers together outside on sunny days, and she has made good on her promise to never stop telling me that she loves me. Even when those three words are surrounded by a string of words that would make a weaker man cry. So far, I’ve only cried twice since we got together.
When we got married, three months after getting engaged, and when Roxy gave birth to our baby.
We got pregnant two months after getting engaged.
Oops.
Cassie Reyna Bridges is one year old today, which is why we’re having a low-key get-together at our house with the crew. I’m putting Joe and Melinda Carter up at a hotel while they stay in town for a few days. My parents couldn’t make it tonight because they’re traveling Europe, but that’s okay. Chase’s parents are here.
Cassie’s currently taking a nap in the baby carrier I’m wearing. She’s basically walking now, but I still like to attach her to my chest whenever she’ll let me. I know I smell amazing, and I know all newborn heads smell good, but I swear they should make a candle that smells like this kid’s skull. That enticing baby fresh scent never went away. It’s my personal belief that her brain emits a delicious odor because it’s filled with brilliant, sweet, and spicy thoughts.
She has my beautiful brown eyes, my former nanny’s calm demeanor, and my wife’s beautiful, bossy loud mouth.
We’re expecting to one day nickname her Sassy Cassie, but lately it has been Gassy Cassie, to our great misfortune. Seriously, she’s as explosive as her parents’ chemistry. We’re working on getting her to talk less while she’s eating. She mostly says “Ja-po!” over and over while cramming food into the general area of her mouth and pointing at the dog, who follows her everywhere. Roxy assumes she’s saying Jackpot, but it’s obvious to me that she’s trying to say “Keaton.” Maybe even “asshole,” which is what her mommy calls me every now and then when she forgets my name. Hormones and all that.
In a few years, Cassie will be going to the same preschool as Franny McKay, Edward “Don’t Call Him Eddie” McGovern, and Davina Devlin. There are currently four strollers in our house. There was definitely something in the water over there in Antigua. And Indiana. We all spent so much time at the maternity ward over a three-month period that the nurses started calling us The Mat Pack. “Mat” was supposedly short for maternity, but I think they all had a crush on McGovern. Whatever. They’ll
all be on Team Keaton by the end of the summer.
Cassie will always be surrounded by her best friends, and so will we.
One plus one equals infinity.
After the uproar about Seven finally dies down, Roxy gets up to pick out a kids’ movie title. Her baby bump has started to show, and I think all of her life-giving curves are the sexiest thing ever. She’s due again in less than five months, and we’re so excited to be having a boy that she’s almost forgiven me for knocking her up sooner than we had planned. What can I say? My sperm is very seductive and also, I couldn’t wait to see if her boobs will get even bigger this time. For scientific reasons.
She bends forward to pick out a piece of paper from the basket on the coffee table, giving me a private glimpse of her magnificent cleavage, bless her heart.
One second after glancing at the paper, she nods her head and steps over to the dry erase board, picks up the pen, and nods at Vince to flip over the hourglass.
She draws a leg with a foot, and I know immediately that it’s: “The LEGO Movie.”
“Yes!”
“There’s a movie about LEGOs?” my father-in-law asks. “People paid to see that?”
Roxy is already erasing the leg and drawing a balloon.
“It’s a balloon!” Joni yells out. “Up!”
Roxy draws a line into the balloon and then draws a squiggly, deflated balloon.
“Mary Poppins,” I say.
“Yes!”
“What? How’d you get that?” Joni stares at me, wide-eyed.
“It’s a popped balloon,” Nina explains for me. “Smart.”
“Oh, is it The Red Balloon?” Melinda exclaims.
“It was Mary Poppins.” Joe pats her on the knee.
“I love this movie, The Red Balloon,” Graziella leans over to say to Melinda. “They don’t make movies like this anymore.”
Roxy is on to the next one, drawing a face with big eyes and a round, open mouth.
“Monsters, Inc!” Nina and Joni yell at the same time.
I already know what the movie is before Roxy finishes drawing the hands on the boy’s face, but I’ll let someone else guess first. We don’t have to prove to anyone how well we know each other anymore.
“Is it that cartoon car movie?” Joe asks.
“That’s not a car,” his wife elbows him. “Dummy.”
As soon as Roxy starts to draw the outline of a Christmas tree behind the boy, Joni shouts out, “Home Alone!”
“Yes!”
Nina high-fives Joni, and they do a little jig while taunting Vince. “We’re beating you!”
Roxy starts to draw something that is clearly an animal with four legs and might be a dog.
“Is that a dog? Lady and the Tramp!” Melinda says.
“Lady and the Tramp, she’d draw two dogs,” her husband mutters.
“Oh hush, you.”
“Hotel for Dogs!” Joni squeals.
“Beethoven. The Shaggy Dog. The Shaggy D.A,. Bolt, Marley & Me, My Dog Skip, the one with Richard Gere!” Nina knows a lot of dog movies.
Roxy shakes her head while drawing something on the underside of the animal. Possibly a penis. Or an udder.
“Mulan,” I say, grinning.
Vince calls, “Time!”
“Yes! Four points!” She comes over to me, and we give each other a very delicate high-five so we don’t wake our sleeping toddler.
“What? How’d you get Mulan from that?” Finn scratches his head, dramatically.
“A cow goes moo,” I say, as if it’s obvious.
“A cow goes moo,” she whispers, kissing Cassie on the top of her head while rubbing her own belly.
I get you, Roxy Bridges.
I fudging love every single person in this house right now, but I cannot wait to be alone with my girls and my dog.
Bedtime is the best time of day, every day, right after mornings and dinner.
But only when Roxy doesn’t snore.
We still haven’t broken the custom-made bed.
But we’re working on it.
We’ll never stop trying.
#ROXTON4EVA
(Bonus) EPILOGUE TWO
KEATON: Hey. Get your beautiful ass in here now. I’m hard and I’m ready and Jackpot’s staring at me but you’re not here. Where are you?
CHASE: Uh. Which one of us specifically are you ready for, champ? Because Matt and I are at Target so we might be a while.
KEATON: Shit. Wrong text conversation.
MATT: Do they sell lube here? Sounds like we’ll need some.
VINCE: I can be there in fifteen minutes, lover boy. Just gotta drop Joni off at a play date on the way.
KEATON: Welp. There goes my boner. Thanks guys. Even Jackpot’s gone now.
ROXY: Wow. I leave the room for ten minutes and you’re group sexting our friends. That is adorable.
KEATON: I may never get another erection again.
BERNADETTE: Hey Esquire! We’re almost out of Kleenex can you get some at Target?
MATT: On it, babe.
BERNADETTE: Yo Keats. Keep it hard for your wife. She should be ovulating right about now.
VINCE: Are you guys trying for baby number three? Congrats!
AIMEE: Awww Rox! We’re still on the same cycle. So cute. Must be the nanny’s day off. Have fun!
AIMEE: Whoops! That was supposed to be
AIMEE: For organisms.
AIMEE: Oranges.
AIMEE: OMG orgasms!
CHASE: Aim. How many mimosas have you had?
AIMEE:
NINA: Ladies, are we still on for Girls Brunch next Sunday?! Because I’m dying to go to that new place on Henry Street.
KEATON: Roxanne. We need new friends. Or new phone numbers.
ROXY: Speak for yourself. I’m totally turned on right now. And yes to Girls Brunch! Oh by the way, husband, you’re on kid duty next Sunday.
KEATON: Seriously, wife. Where are you? The spawn are going to wake up soon.
ROXY: Calm down, husband. This message is from our two-person conversation. See? Are you really so lazy that you can’t come find me?
KEATON: No I’m really so naked and I was really so erect and I didn’t want our offspring to accidentally see me like this. But I’m completely deflated now thanks to your asshole friends.
ROXY: Does this picture help?
KEATON: Why is it taking so long to load? Did you move the Wi-Fi extender again?
ROXY: Wait for it dear.
KEATON: You’d better be wearing something incredibly slutty or nothing at all in this picture.
KEATON: Whoa. Is that a pee stick?
ROXY: Yep.
KEATON: Is that a plus sign?
ROXY: Yes sir.
KEATON: From today?
ROXY: You betcha.
KEATON: We’re pregnant again? Already?
ROXY: I mean. I’ll make an appointment with the doctor, but it certainly looks like it.
KEATON: My sperm is the stuff of legends.
ROXY: My eggs should be worshipped.
KEATON: One more quick question—do you want to murder me right now or are we good with this?
ROXY: It’s not an either/or situation.
ROXY: But yeah. We’re good with this. It’s a ducking miracle. My vagina will require rehab but I’m really grateful.
KEATON: Hey. If your vagina can handle me, it can handle three babies. I worship every single thing about you. I love you so ducking much Ute.
ROXY: I love you so ducking much too.
KEATON: To be clear. I’m not just excited because of how big your boobs are going to get. Also because of our growing family.
ROXY: I almost believe you. Are you crying?
KEATON: Shut up. Yes. Are you?
ROXY: I may never stop. I’m too shocked to move. In guest bathroom.
KEATON: I’ll put something on and come to you.
ROXY: Good. Here’s a pic of what I’m wearing.
KEATON: HOLY FUCK.
ROXY: What was that thump? Did you fall down?
ROXY: Keaton ducking Bridges I swear to God if you die and leave me with three kids, I will ducking kill you.
KEATON: Calm down. My dick just knocked over a lamp.
ROXY: Get that thing over here now.
KEATON: Putting on a robe in case Cassie’s awake. Can’t get anything else on over this massive woody.
KEATON: I can’t find my ducking robe.
ROXY: It’s hanging on the thing.
KEATON: It’s not.
ROXY: Yeah. It is.
KEATON: There it is.
KEATON: Is that really what you’re wearing right now?
ROXY: Come see for yourself, big fella.
ROXY: But could you stop by the kitchen on the way and bring that bag of chips?
KEATON: As you wish.
ROXY: And the emergency Snickers bar I hide in the top cupboard over the fridge. Use the step stool.
KEATON: Are you going to be eating while I duck you because that is hot!
ROXY: And also bring the step stool to the bathroom. I have some ideas.
KEATON: Yessssssss.
ROXY: Shit. Do I hear the baby crying?
The Brooklyn Book Boyfriends Page 81